Running to Stand Still

This post is going to be so all over the place, it is ridiculous. Seriously. I suggest everyone who reads this strap in and try to bear with me here. I promise it will all make sense in the end…..or maybe it won’t.

Okay, so it is slowly starting to sink in that this mofo has actually moved on (WITHOUT ME!!)  while I am sitting in what are shards and pieces of my heart. As I stated, I knew he did not fully reciprocate my feelings, but we had history, friendship, same issues/baggage/dysfunctions. We did not travel the same roads to acquire the dysfunctions, but still we ended up in the same place. He professed to caring for me, told me that he would not hurt me and would always be honest…..but we all know that truthfulness is an option. Still, I chose to  believe him again and again. No excuses or explanations for that one….all I will say is despite all I have been through in life, I still try to see the positive and we all know the heart has reasons that reason does not understand.

Pride/ego plays a role in this. I am a crack addict ( 8 years and counting in recovery), I am a whore ( I had problems with drugs, not with selling myself), I am a homeless woman who would go to the bathroom in alleys and slept in abandoned cars, and eventually the ground when the cars got towed ( have maintained a comfy and cozy existence in my current residence for almost 7 years without missing a rent payment) , and I am a convicted felon ( 13 years ago, and no trouble since). Yet, if you were to ever see me, you would never know this…..I am a beautiful, confident, professional, intelligent and sexy woman ( yes, I am large, but not sloppy) who presents herself to the world as such along with being  both respectable and respectful, classy, competent and a great friend. I say this because in life, it is all in how you present yourself to others. Who does not know about first impressions and the fact that you get only one chance to make one? And the woman I got dumped for presented herself  for the first time to his colleagues and peers as an ugly hooker. NO, I am not being catty or jealous ( surprisingly I am not jealous…..incredibly curious, but not jealous)…..this was what was relayed to me and I have never seen the woman. For all I know she could be a hotshot lawyer downtown or head a non-profit that helps hungry children and sweet as pie, but what came across to not only me but to basically a ballroom full of people  was a woman who needs makeup to be raised to average on the looks scale and pretty much had her breasts on a platter, serving them up as appetizers.  I have nothing against her, and frankly I feel for her. Maybe I can somehow give her the name and number of my therapist; she will thank me later. However, this info at first had me wondering what she has that I don’t ( besides him), but now I a flipping that one around…what do I have that she doesn’t? The answer I am telling  my hurt and rejected self is whatever it is, he obviously either could not handle it or want it. Hurtful, but sometimes you have to get gut level honest. The truth will set you free if it doesn’t kill you in the process.

Anger and hurt are a HUGE ( and inevitable) part of the process, but also give you a built in excuse. Woman scorned….’nuff said. When I was first hit with all of this, I felt physical pain. I literally could not breathe because my heart was so constricted. I sat in the dark, crying for days on end. I broke down in my cube at work, I cried on the bus. Whenever the pain hit, I cried. Then one day, I did not cry, but anger had taken over, ( has anyone found out where I can get that deer piss yet?) and I can be a petty, vindictive, grudge holding bitch when I want to be. I told him I hope she tears his ass a new hole with a 13” rocket propelled dildo, I want her to laugh in  his face and call him a limp-dicked fat ass bitch, hopefully  she tears his heart out of his chest and cooks it for dinner. I told him he was a dishonest, disrespectful, lying ass coward who re-defined the word bitch, I hope his remaining days resembled sin dipped in misery left out to dry on a street corner and I wish I had never fucking met him. I told him I dared him to respond….I was not scared of him, knew where he worked and lived and I hope he comes crawling back, broken down and pitiful so I could crush him beneath my heel. Hmmm, yeah… he really is going to come back to that, right? Pretty much, his only response was *crickets* and I imagine rapid eye blinking while sweat beaded on his forehead. And I am glad he did not say anything; giving credit where credit is due, it showed him to be not only smart, but classy. I would have said cowardly, but I am going with smart and classy. I am not a complete bitch. No, I did not issue an apology (for what?? I meant every word and on a bad day, wish I could add more to them); yes, ridiculous and evil and all that, but hey….I am a woman scorned.

Empathy/sympathy/compassion  are beasts when it comes to this process……you remember the good times, the secrets shared, and in my case, the issues/baggage/dysfunctions that could not be shared with anyone. For me, I wonder who will send him hot soup to the office when he is sick, who will be there to brighten his day when he is depressed, who will calm him down when he flies into a tantrum or rage, who will he tell when things are too much, who will indulge in his randomness with him? Will she understand when the erectile dysfunction rears up? Who will hold him, shush him and tell him everything will be okay? Who is going to indulge him in his kinks, both mainstream and underground?  Who else will he be comfortable enough and feel free enough to be his true self with? And then two thoughts hit me: why do I care? He is no longer mine to worry about. The second thought was he had me who did all that and more, but apparently that was not what he wanted, so let him make his own way in the world. He did it before me, and I am sure he will manage just fine after me. Then a third thought hit me…..after all I said in anger and hurt, I am sure he will just come a running when/if this does not work out. I am sure he is just waiting anxiously for this to blow up in his face so I can exact my revenge…..but given how we have always justified and rationalized each other’s outrageous behaviors, he just might be.

Acceptance…the final step in the process is what is causing the running to stand still. My emotions are all over the place……. Anger/hurt, love ( yes, it is still there) rationalizations, scenarios, and false hope all are vying for the top spot to prevent acceptance from letting me see the truth:  I got dumped and played. All the great things I am, all the potential I hold….got rejected, and I am scrambling around emotionally and mentally to prevent this from settling in. Once I stand still and let acceptance do what it needs to do….let go, forgive and maybe even make amends ( the cooking your heart for dinner line screams apology), then I can move on and find what is on the other side of a door now shut.