Dilbert’s Decline

Once again, it has been awhile since I posted. I am trying to figure out when my schedule got so busy that I have never ending to-do lists at both work and home and when my energy levels disappeared. In all honesty, not a lot has been going on but the few things that have, I really want to write/talk about and explore because they have made me think, self-examine and I see where I need to turn some things around. Again, the process has turned inward.  This post is going to be part one of two because there is a lot of ground to cover and it is best to separate the situations so I can truly focus on how they made me feel and what I can do to take back my power.

First, I guess you may be wondering who is Dilbert? Well, Dilbert is the new name for Reliable One. I was thinking of a new name for the man since he stopped paying my rent and all credit goes to The Intern Dr. Cross for coming up with the new name. When he saw a picture of the man, he screamed that he looked exactly like the cartoon character Dilbert, down to the shirt and tie. I must say I agree with the assessment.

So, everyone knows I met Dilbert about 9 years ago (via Yahoo personals of all things), that he is a fetishist with a thing for extremely obese and overly tall women and has never left his mama’s house. He told me I was his dream woman but he would never have sex with me because he felt he was not man enough.  He is also a commitment-phobe who was seeing me and his other Non-Girlfriend simultaneously: he would take her on vacations and I got my rent paid. Then his mother died.

He had moved the Non-Girlfriend into his home 6 months before his mother passed because the Non-Girlfriend got dumped by her live-in boyfriend (he fell for some Brazilian big booty chick from the internet and moved to be with her); NG got stuck with the house which fell into foreclosure. Dilbert never told me any of this; it slipped when he was telling me he would no longer be paying my rent and I had to find a Plan C and do the best I could.  A part of me wondered why I was the one being hung out to dry but I did not think too hard about it; after all, I cannot live with other people, especially people who are non-smoking hoarders and cheap to boot. Besides, it had been a nice ride (over 5 years) and I had the job at Seattle Grace. I could become truly independent again. It was time to learn how to adult and I was ready.

I did try to stay in touch with Dilbert, I really did. I called his house but there was never an answer. I called his job and got voicemail. Emails to his work address went unanswered. I did not try too hard…my exes taught me that when efforts go unanswered, they are wasted indeed. And the man was no longer paying my rent, so why in the hell was I trying? And then Dilbert called me: first at work when I was on the other line with someone else. Followed immediately by a call to my cellphone and then to my house phone…so he COULD reach out when he wanted to.

I called him back and we ended up having dinner at a nice steakhouse where he told me he was hoping his job became permanent and that Non-Girlfriend had quit her job. I was speechless for about 5 minutes for two reasons. First, Dilbert told me he had 38 years of federal government service under his belt….where was this “becoming permanent” coming from? (He has yet to answer that question) The second reason was that the NG was deliberately unemployed and he was okay with that. I quickly got over that piece of news though because like the exes before him, Dilbert seemed to have one set of qualifications for me and another for the woman he eventually ends up with. But something else was up: granted, Dilbert is cheap and extremely cost conscious but he has never said I could not order what I wanted, especially since I started producing groupons to help defer the costs. This evening however, he was reading prices aloud and actually counting on his fingers.

We ate while he complained about having a live-in Non-Girlfriend; I could not help but let my mind process the fact(s) that Dilbert’s mom, who lived to be 97 and survived two bouts of pneumonia, a hip replacement and a surgery doctors said would kill her, died 6 months after this chick moved in and 6 months later, Dilbert is talking about his job becoming permanent and is counting the cost of dinner on his fingers. I dismissed it as me being jealous, petty and jaded….such are the thoughts of a dumped side piece. Until the bill came and Dilbert excused himself to go to the bathroom…and never came back out. Oh, he eventually returned, 30 minutes later, AFTER I had paid the bill. And he did not even ask for the bill, just asked was it time to go. I did not say a word and let the entire incident drop.

Then Dilbert calls again…..some time had passed and I guess he thought I had forgotten about the dinner. This time, he said he wanted to take me someplace nice for lunch; my first suggestion got shot down as being “too nice” so we agree to a restaurant we NEVER go to. I get there and we sit down to order…and then he starts staring at the door as if he is seeing a ghost. When I ask what’s wrong, he says Non-Girlfriend is there and he wants me to hide under the table while he tries to make a run for it. I ‘m going to let that sink in for a minute: a man who no longer pays my rent, I have never had sex with and who claims this other woman is NOT his girlfriend, wants us to HIDE from her. Really??

I told Dilbert he had lost his mind…no way was I crawling beneath a table and he was not running. What he WAS going to do was walk over there and bring the woman back to the table, make introductions and we would all break bread together. He finally got up and talked to the Non-Girlfriend outside the restaurant. Meanwhile, my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute as I text the Panel and Lexie Grey….how did she know where we were having lunch? It makes no sense for anyone unemployed to travel into the heart of downtown DC at the height of lunch hour to eat alone at a place where the lunch special weighs in at $30 + tax. No other explanation, Dilbert told her and conveniently forgot to mention he was dining with a female.  The Panel was flabbergasted (I like that word) and Lexie kept telling me to come back to the office where I would be safe.

When Dilbert returned to the table, I asked him why he told his “roommate” (I even did air quotes) to meet us for lunch. He says he didn’t, she was coming down to have a networking lunch…just a coincidence. Except I don’t believe in coincidence. He then asked me to send this chick a Facebook friend request so she could see it was strictly platonic between us.  I totally ignored that statement. I then asked him what was he thinking telling me to hide under the table and his response? “You’re used to eating shit sandwiches so I did not think you would mind.” That statement still sticks with me and it pisses me off every.time. I would never think it was okay to treat someone as less than simply because they had to endure it in their past…just because I have eaten shit before does not mean I have acquired a taste for it.

I simply ordered a third lunch and two desserts, left it on his tab and returned to the office where I shared the food with my fellow residents. And then last week, Dilbert called again, wanting lunch at the pizza place next door to Seattle Grace. I did not want to go but Dr. Robbins and Morning Person said it was at least a free lunch. And I have figured out my role in Dilbert’s life now: I have been transitioned from Dream Woman to Listening Ear because true to form, he began bitching about life with the Non-Girlfriend. She can’t cook, won’t clean, won’t look for a job and is ragging him about a new air conditioning unit because the current one died In the middle of a heatwave. Her cat could die. He says he cannot afford it.  I told him to just shut up about it because the next step would be him proposing marriage to the woman. He says, “I hope not.” Then says I should gain weight so he can be attracted to me again. And that ended lunch.

You know, for all my growth and moving forward, two questions have taken up residence in the back of my mind. I will save one question for my next post but the other one is: how come I can’t keep the guy? I am all kinds of great things and I am more than a playmate…I am a helpmate with both a healthy sex drive and desire. I work, I cook, I clean, and am a generous girlfriend who believes in praise and submission. Yet, I am tossed aside for women with children and no desire to be employed …women with no desire to be wife material even after they get the ring. Women who are broke and determined to make their man broke too. I have been told I need to be a dominant bitch but that is not in me unless I am angry or hurt. A relationship should have neither of those qualities. But in thinking over and reading what transpired over 3 separate dates with Dilbert, I think I can answer the question.

In a way, it is me…with all my exes and Dilbert. I need a strong man…a man who will stand up to me, push me, challenge me. I don’t want to wear the pants in the relationship….I firmly believe in letting the man be the man. I do not want someone whose attraction to and love for me depends on what the scale says. I do not want someone who thinks it is okay to constantly offer me the shit end of the stick because I should be used to it. I don’t need a man who will constantly step outside our relationship to have his needs met (whatever they may be) instead of sitting down, having the hard talks and putting in the work to keep us growing in all ways. What I do need is someone who sees my strength and knows that every once in awhile, I need to be weak and vulnerable and will step in to carry the burden for me.  A man who respects himself enough to be truthful in every situation, who respects me and our relationship. I have yet to meet that man and I am getting better with the waiting part of the preparation process.

Okay, going to wrap this post up now and will be back sooner rather than later with Part 2. As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!





True Story

Not a lot has been happening but the things that did have been a little irritating and frustrating. First, NC turned me down. (insert sad face emoticon here) I had been thinking a lot about NC: it was going to require money, and doing a lot of things in a short period of time. Major life moves should be well thought out, especially when one is damn near half a hundred and has a grand total of $88 in the bank ($50 of which came from her mama). Maybe I would stick it out a little longer with Yang, spend less, save more. Until a conversation with O’Malley got me super excited again about just seizing the day and jumping on the southbound bandwagon. (Yang going full blown crazy again only added even more street cred to O’Malley’s conversation) But when NC narrowed the list down from 7 to 3, I ended up on the cutting room floor. So we start again.

Fortunately, hope still springs eternal; I interviewed with and am a viable candidate for a long term position with a very prominent and important federal agency. In fact, after the interview, the compensation offered was raised by an additional 4K!! Of course, there is more to the process and I am hoping to be able to advance to the next step. The thought of being with Yang forever or until she finally fires me is almost depressing. Again, I am grateful for the job, for the livable wage paycheck, I like my coworkers (Lexie, Munchkin and The Intern Dr. Cross have become friends and my go-to social network), and I am learning a LOT but I just can’t take the crazy….hell, it isn’t even crazy. It is downright mental and emotional abuse. Period.

Now to tackle the topic this post; as the title says, it is a true story.  If you have been reading this blog or know anything about my story, you know when it comes to men, I meet one of two types. The ones where there is mutual attraction and I am ready to toss caution to the wind and take a chance only to be abandoned and ignored while they marry others; and then there are the idiots, liars, cowards. Usually it is hard to differentiate between the two; however, this time I have come across a pure FOOL. The fool in question? A random uber driver. #sweartoGod

First, let me state that there are two versions of me (for all intents and purposes): Real World Me who is gainfully employed, hard worker, good friend, sister/daughter/aunt and passively seeking her happily ever after. She is self-aware enough to know that she has too many issues and not enough closure to fully commit to anyone or anything without a ton of hoop jumping efforts from both parties. And then there is Online Me: she is offering loving (so different from love) for a price because hey, we all get lonely and need that touch, that attention, that companionship. She has enough worth and esteem issues that she cannot give it away freely but enough confidence, worth and esteem to not go with just anyone. There is also a touch of the romantic wild child in her that wants to give in to abandon once in awhile and take a chance. As separate as I like to think these aspects of me are, I think they kind of meet in the middle and blend together.

In any case, there was no wish-wash or mixed signals on my end during this encounter. The man is a pure-d fool and shows me why I sometimes pray, wish, and hope one of my exes would return….I know their crazy and what the expectations should be.  So, I walk outside at the same time the uber driver pulls up; I head for my usual seat (behind the passenger seat where we can both keep an eye on each other) and he says I can sit up front with him. I politely declined, citing not wanting us to crowd each other’s personal space. The trip into work is my quiet time where I can transition into Office Me: I am already planning out my to-do list for the day, bracing myself because who knows which Yang I will be dealing with and admiring the architecture of the city. I am no Chatty Cathy and usually, the drivers appreciate that since they are dealing with DC traffic.

This dude however must have been struck by me just walking up to the car. He is telling me all about himself: he is completely single and has been for 18 months, he has a son at the University of Arizona, he works at Comcast (for the past 25 years!), has a nice house in PG County, ubers in his spare time. He thinks I am sexy. He wants to meet someone. He then asks if I am single; I tell him yes, happily. Completely? Again, yes and happily. Would I consider a date with him? And this is where I thought I was completely clear: I told him men use all kinds of words as a euphemism for sex, dating being the #1. A date with me would be just that: a date. No sex. If I am dating a guy, he needs to know in the beginning that sex is not even on my radar. Yes, I know that sex is important to men, but if it is the most important thing or the only thing, that is not going to work for me. Sex is easy to find and get; I want someone willing to work towards a relationship. In rare cases, relationships do spring from a sexual start but 9 times out of 10, if a guy comes to see woman for sex, she is the booty call girl. Always. I want to get to know him and he should want to get to know me. If all a guy wants is sex with me, he needs to know that one must pay to play and not wanting to take time to know me suggests he has his wallet at the ready.

I am not usually so direct but I was not interested AND he was interrupting my quiet time. I am trying to formulate an escape plan from Yang, sharing pictures of Prince Charming at his son’s high school graduation and planning a weekend trip to NC to see my family. Not trying to assist some random dude in his quest for free pussy when his only job is to get me to work as quickly and safely as possible. However, Uber Driver was insistent that he wanted the relationship: he wanted long talks, dinners out, live music, comedy shows and long term. He then did something that was quite the red flag….he called my cellphone. I was thinking, WTF but he had my cell number because of Uber; however, no other driver has used/abused that fact. I asked him what was he doing; Uber Driver says he is giving me his personal cell number. Call him when I get off, maybe he will pick me up from work. I simply exited the car and he calls out that he’s going to watch my butt as I walk away.

Fast forward one day; first, I wake up to a text message from the driver. He sent it at 1:30am and it contained one word: hey. Okay, I may not know a lot of things and may not be the relationship expert I think myself to be, but I do know a middle of the night, one word text message is a booty call. From the guy who insisted he wants an aboveboard relationship. I delete it and go about my day and that evening, I get a phone call from Uber Drive.

UD: Hey how are you? You never responded to my text message

Me: I’m good. Why are you calling?

UD: I am in my feelings, not in a good way. I am sexually frustrated and need a girl to give me oral.

Me: You definitely called the wrong person. I already told you my stance on that.

UD: I did not mean that in a sexual way and sorry you took it that way

(commentary: I did not even bother to ask how I should’ve taken that)

UD: Gotta sleep in my car this weekend because my old lady and I are in the middle of a messy separation and I gotta sneak in on Monday to get some clean clothes and more of my stuff

(commentary: what happened to being completely single and the nice house in PG County? But I did not care enough to point out the lies)

Me: Sorry to hear that

UD: What are you doing tonight?

Me: It has been a long week and I am tired

UD: Want me to make you cum?


UD: Well, you being tired eliminates the date part

And that is where I hung up the phone and blocked him. I have no idea what I have done to deserve this shit. I don’t bother folks; I get treated like runover day-old crap and I suck it up. I have asked for and bestowed forgiveness. I don’t put myself out there because I am not ready but I keep enough hope to be willing to take a chance on the unexpected. And I get crap like homeless uber drivers. Sweet Jesus. It is times like these I envy the Mexican Girlfriend with everything in my body…..for about 5 minutes.

So this is what has been happening with me.Life goes on, so  I am spending the weekend doing laundry, apartment cleaning and went to the neighborhood church with Honeybee and the Intern Dr. Cross for a spaghetti dinner. I have had better spaghetti but it was free and I got to see the Church Crew (it has been far too long). I am going back up there on Sunday for the picnic where Honeybee and I will be leading the hot potato game! I will be eliminated in the first round. I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend, whatever your plans are.

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!




Makin’ Moves

In about 2 weeks, I will celebrate 14 years in recovery. 14 uninterrupted years. (The uninterrupted part is important…to me, at least) There is a saying in the rooms that one does not acknowledge or celebrate the recovery anniversary until after it has passed (one day at a time), but at this juncture of my recovery process, I think it is safe to say that whatever life has to throw at me, I will NOT be deflecting with a drink or a drug.

However, folks are trying my last good nerve for real; I have to say the worst thing about recovery is dealing with other people, especially when they are ignorant, stupid and/or crazy.  The saying is life isn’t easier in recovery but it is better and it has dawned on me that I have not been utilizing all the tools at my disposal to make my life better. Oh, I have learned to accept things probably about 10,000 years after they happen. I have learned to realign hope….instead of hoping that guy I was so in love with who could not tell the truth or say goodbye will see what he had in me and come back, I hope I can find the love I offer returned to me. I hope I can remain happy, regardless of age or status. Yes, hope and acceptance are great things; it has taken me a long time to get to this point and I am proud of my accomplishments but it is time to go to the next level.

The most important thing I keep forgetting about in recovery is while I may be powerless over some things (okay, most things), I do have control over others and one of those things is my personal space….and I have been sabotaging my own inner peace. I have been feeling as if I can’t breathe, I have been frustrated and the stress I am carrying has turned my muscles to concrete. No bueno, and to that end I have been making moves and snatching my power back.

The Ads: I have been talking about  doing something with them for forever but never doing anything. I hide behind excuses and justifications but it finally dawned on me (after an onslaught of ridiculous responses and one too many games being played) that the ads are doing more harm than good….seriously, name the last time I had a viable response to my ads? If I can’t answer it, I know you can’t but I can tell you with precision and certainty the last time I got a headache from an idiot responder.

So I took the ads down. Just like that…no excuses, no justifications.  I deleted/blocked all the extraneous contacts from my laptops and cellphone. I finally cleared some clutter from my life and I feel REALLY good about it. Of course, should I need to fall back on them for economic reasons, I will but for now I no longer have to deal with men who don’t read, who want to negotiate, who want attention by any means necessary, who wish to judge me based on my age, weight and looks. Unhealthy is in the corner and it feels good.

Seattle Grace: I simply cannot any longer with Yang. I just can’t. I am on the 4th day of a 4 day weekend and all I have done is sleep. Not showering, barely eating…I did catch up on Suits though. However, I had plans: cleaning/changing over my closet, a family cookout, maybe a movie. But I couldn’t because I am stuck in some stress induced depression and I just can’t do anything. Please do not think I am ungrateful or don’t want my job….I am and I do. I just need a different boss.

Life with Yang is worse than the preview she gave me as a temp: I am meeting impossible, last minute deadlines only to have her change them or dismiss the project completely (again last minute); according to Yang, my communications outside of the hospital (with the Board, vendors, members) do nothing but reflect poorly on her and all the staff. I do not inspire confidence. She does not do her own homework and research and gets both pissed and doubtful when I do mine….completed projects sit for weeks on her desk and in her inbox because she has to double check my work. She puts me in charge of last minute assignments she doesn’t want to handle, then gets someone else to work on them also. The woman has actually asked staff what I do to contribute to the office…and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She has undermined me, belittled me and now has no idea what I contribute…I learned 2 heartbreaks ago that if folks cannot see your worth and efforts, stop wasting your talents on them. If you cannot see what I offer and bring to the table, let me stop doing it. So, it has boiled down to three options with her:

  1. Cuss her out. Really, the question is why hasn’t this happened before? Every job I have had, I have cursed folks out, including supervisors, bosses and The Best Team Ever. But I wanted to be more professional, more mature, more in control of my emotions with this job. I wanted to show my growth and not be an even bigger stereotype (I am fat, black, diabetic and wear fake hair…did not want to add angry to the mix) but Yang takes kindness, understanding and accommodation as weaknesses. She needs to see I am not weak but also not trying to get banned from the building because for all her bravado and bullshit, Yang would be scared to death at what she would see as an uprising.
  1. Get Fired. Not sure how that will happen, for two reasons: she won’t fire me because she needs me more than I need her and if she has another turnover in staff, she will probably be called into question. Not sure I want being fired on my resume and I do want to leave on my terms but I no longer even want to see her face and I no longer care if my job gets done or not, so calling out is the best option. She may be able to let me go on an excessive absences charge.
  1. I am working on that all the time…..I am submitting resumes left and right for both perm and contract positions. I had an extremely promising phone interview with NC this week and I am keeping my everythings crossed. When the next job comes along, I do not plan to tell her I am leaving…she will switch gears and convince me that she won’t be so difficult and ask me to please stay. And because I hate change and crave approval and praise, I will once again think I could be the exception and I will stay. It is an abusive relationship and I need to break the cycle. I have been told that I need to develop a thick skin but I already have that…her claws are just that sharp. So I will leave under the cover of night and ignore phone calls. Email to the Board filed with grievances is optional.

So this is me, making moves…some active, some passive-aggressive.  At least it’s forward steps to take control of what I can and just maybe letting go of what I can’t. 2016 is the year that the rest of my life becomes the best of my life and if it means cutting safety nets without a backup plan, I will…Lord knows it cannot be any worse than when someone else cuts the cord for me. I want to enjoy life, not fleeting moments in life. I want to be appreciated and for once in my life, not used or abused. I don’t want to have to put on my thick skin, walk on eggshells nor have to defend or explain my choices and reasons. I think the two decisions I made this week are big steps toward those goals. We’ll see.

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!




Monthly Update

Hello, dear readers!!  It has been a long time since I last posted….almost two months. Hard to believe it is now the month of May and it is almost 75% over! 2016 is not playing…it is rolling through here kicking ass and taking names and I wonder where the time has gone and what exactly have I been doing other than working, eating potato chips in bed and Keeping up with the Mormons. (Unsure if it is being a Mormon, being married or having to speak Spanish on a constant basis, but Prince Charming is looking more like Dumbledore….old, tired and the man has let himself go in a lot of ways. All he is missing is the hat.)

I do apologize for not writing on a more regular basis. I stay tired A LOT and while I have had fulltime jobs before, working at Seattle Grace Mercy West is an entirely different animal.  After a day spent walking on eggshells, putting out fires, dodging crazy and keeping up with multiple personalities, priorities and deadlines, I find myself totally unmotivated to do anything. But life has been going on over here and wanted to share the highlights that reflect growth, change, or the lack thereof.

Blossoming Friendship: I stated on my first day at Seattle Grace Mercy West that my best shot at an office friendship would be with Lexie Grey but I had no idea just how deeply it would run. In all of my work travels, I manage to find that one true friend who I can talk to about anything (including my crazy), not just the office….but never thought I would find that here at the hospital. Lexie is amazing: she is sweet, quiet, insightful and occasionally pulls me out of my comfort zone. She has introduced me to her friends Resting Bitch and The Sisterhood, we have people watched and met the Italian Ryan Gosling, I have accompanied her on one of her first dates with a guy from coffee meets bagel (covertly of course) and we debrief about everything  over ice cream sundaes or fried chicken. We feed each other, she has brought me toilet paper and seen me in my natural state. Yang says we are the odd couple of the office and we are…remember, I am totally inappropriate at times and can be quite extroverted when need be but we balance each other out, help each other through office induced breakdowns and more in common than I would have thought. Lexie Grey…she’s a keeper.

Near Miss: The ads have not come down yet….yes, I am tired of the men, the stupidity and the occasional drama they create but the ads have become a safety net and I am reluctant to take them down unless I am satisfied and secure in both my personal and professional lives. That has not happened since Prince Charming and the assignment with the Best Team Ever. At this point in my life, I am good with my personal life (it helps that I kinda hate stupidity and thus, all men, right now) but Yang is far too unstable and downright mean for me to become fully complacent with my job. I need to know that if that chick finally goes due south on me or pushes me to the point I simply no longer care about my primary source of income, that I can simply refresh the ads, update my availability and bring in enough to pay Comcast and credit cards.

But I digress….while it is great I can identify the hows and whys of baggage, this part of the blog is to tell you about a man who answered my ad. He is a pilot and Director at a local non-profit. I found him cute, sweet and nice; he found me to be pretty, smart and funny. We met for lunch where we talked, flirted and ate noodles (which was sloppy but kept us laughing at ourselves and each other). It was a LOT like the courtship period with Prince Charming: it felt natural, there was easy conversation and I was not self-conscious of my height, weight, or anything else society says is a flaw and a detriment. I felt pretty or at least I didn’t give a damn if he thought I was pretty…he found me interesting! And he seemed to see the inner beauty in me…he said I left him tongue-tied and with butterflies. BUT…he is married (his 2nd) and has 2 small daughters. He has never cheated. And I had to let myself down gently and tell him that we could not progress, regardless of the financials. He needed to be home, working on his marriage. He agreed.

We finished eating and he walked me back to my office. We held hands and he gave me a crash course in clouds. (He’s a pilot remember?) We reached my office building and we didn’t say goodbye. Instead we kissed. In public. With tongue. Not sure what happened to the talk we just had 5 minutes before but it was so nice to have a conversation that wasn’t forced, to walk the streets with someone I found attractive and who found me the same. It was amazing to be kissed in public. I invited him up to my office (don’t ask why because I really and truly don’t know) where he met the Intern Dr. Cross (the Pilot introduced himself giving his entire name which was weird) and we kissed some more in the conference room. He even squeezed my ass. And I have not talked to him since save once when he told me he was in Florida on business. It was nice to feel what I have been missing but it is even nicer one of us heeded the conversation. He is married and I am worthy of much more than side piece status; he finds me cute so you know he is crazy. I know what I am talking about here… if you don’t believe me, check my track record. I have not reached out and won’t…he obviously has no clue what he is doing or getting himself into and I am still too hung up with unresolved issues towards the last guy. I have not unpacked the emotional baggage left behind. I am too ready which lets me know I am not ready. We both dodged a bullet.

North Carolina: It is Board Meeting season in my office which means for 2-4 weeks each quarter, Yang is buttfuck crazy with a mean streak a mile long. She becomes petty, incapable of comprehension and so infuriatingly bitchy, it makes everyone miserable. Innocent conversations are held in whispers behind closed doors, stress eating is the norm and we all wonder why we are still there. There are long days, late nights and I am her whipping bitch (she made me rehash every fuckup I had over the past 6 months via email and with paperwork, she has told coworkers I don’t inspire confidence and rejected all my work products for a week straight).I can’t prove it but I swear the woman is sabotaging my work…I have seen her in action with others, and as her whipping bitch, I am not exempt from the same treatment. It doesn’t bother me like it used to but it is toxic as hell; not sure I still have a high tolerance for toxic.

So I am back on the hunt for a job, both here and in NC. Yes, NC is back on the table for relocation; actually, it never left but I had to make the move on my terms. It sounds selfish but I know what I need for a long term relocation (in addition to indoor smoking and partial nudity) and I know what The Most Boring City in America offers (and doesn’t offer). First up, I need a job…one with decent pay and to that end, I have been applying my butt off. I have had one phone interview (didn’t hear back though) and just got rejected by a Fortune 100 company which has offices there. Maybe my timing is off or I am both overqualified and expensive (based on current salary) for NC; or maybe my time with Yang is not over yet but here is hoping the right employer down there notices me and soon. I am more than willing to meet face to face (with enough notice) and have told potential employers so. Secondly, I need money: I need to get a place to live, purchase a car (trust me, NC requires at least one vehicle per household) and I need to move there. Since I am not the best at saving money, I will be looking into funding options when the time comes but not trying to get too far ahead of myself. Let’s get the job first.

Also in NC’s favor is that while I still feel I need to go, I now want to go. DC is getting too crowded, too shallow and just too much of not enough. I want to spend more time with my family (my parents are in their upper 70s and Tiny Human is 1 year old!), have a work/life balance and have a shot at a real relationship…you can’t meet anyone up here in the real world because no one speaks (except the homeless, and that is just to beg money) and no one makes eye contact. As corny and clichéd as it sounds, in NC the sky is bluer, the grass is greener and the people are friendlier. I honestly think I will see more of my Panel and friends once I move because no one wants to travel to or around DC…metro will kill you and traffic is a huge clusterfuck. I am ready for a fresh start in a new place….keeping my fingers crossed.

BTH, Published Author: Ahhhh, the big tittied hooker. She and Him fell off my radar a long time ago so this tidbit comes courtesy of New Mommy. When life is boring (as it is now since I have yet to meet my future ex-boyfriend), New Mommy passes the time catching up with the lives that wreaked havoc in mine. She doesn’t really care but like me, she enjoys seeing/reading how life is without me. Usually it is confusing, messy, and/or strange. Occasionally it is so surreal, it is hilarious. BTH’s latest venture falls under the occasionally column.

I think I mentioned she had begun calling herself an erotic author the last time I checked in on her; well, she has written her book.  It is the story of a naturally dominating (I think she means dominant, but maybe not) who takes a protégé under her wing. According to the official website, it is the first story in a trilogy which will detail the mentoring and empowering of a young woman and it is a novel for all women seeking to take charge in their career, a liaison and/or personal relationships. The idea for this semi-autobiographical novel came from the author (instead of changing career gears in 2008 when the financial crisis happened) reminiscing over her MANY sexual situations and relationships.

For a brief moment, I felt jealous because she is now a published author; I could be a published author. She had the time, means and resources to follow her dreams. But it was only for a brief moment; I have always been too busy trying to find and keep a job, keep the roof over my head and keep food on my table. I am working on becoming emotionally healthy so I no longer have to scream my insecurities to the world. She is married to a man who I have had and in hindsight, have no respect for. (It’s that kink which I could never get on board for…I was just trying to keep a man) And her dreams came true at the expense of ridicule for her husband (no more questions about what is happening in that relationship) and family, including children. Yeah, I am happy with my path and no longer envious of others. Score one for me!

And this is what has been happening in my world. Well, still trying to change over my closet (I have so many cute new things for the warmer weather!) but between work and this fickle weather, it hasn’t happened yet. I hope to be back sooner versus later with new posts and updates. Until then, take care of yourselves!

As usual, thanks for stopping by and reading and as always, enjoy your day!


To-Don’t List

2016 is over 3 months old and I am still trying to figure out what to name it. Given the presidential candidates this year, I was going to call it The Year of Keeping It Real. Then I did The Stupidest Thing I Will Do This Year. I emailed Prince Charming…at his (new) work email address. Please do not ask me what I was thinking because I do not know. What I do know is that the missing of him has been an almost physical longing for a few weeks; I do know that he is invading my dreams: once, we worked in the same office where we exchanged handshakes and small talk and in another, he was having sex with the Mexican Girlfriend (cowgirl style, wearing a condom) in my prison cell while she called him Zack Morris (the Saved by the Bell guy). Strange, I know and what was I doing back in prison?? I think that was symbolic or maybe metaphorical….whichever one fits my scenario.

But in any case, I wanted to talk to him, to clear my heart and be gut level honest with the both of us…Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy say it was me being vulnerable (an emotion the man no longer deserved) but I didn’t care…what the hell did I have to lose?? So I wrote an email….took my time with it, printed it out and re-read it 50 times; I could have used Facebook (the middleman of emails) but I wanted to “face” him although I am scared to. His treatment of me has made me an outsider and an interloper and full-fledged stalker to him now (and let’s not forget it has been 2 years although to men 2 years is the equivalent of one week) but  while I may have some things to apologize for, I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I needed to show him I am unafraid to face him. And on another note, for a little while, he was the man that felt like home. I miss that. Not necessarily him, but that feeling.

I knew without a doubt the man would not respond, so of course it is easy to be a cowboy when you know you are the only one showing up to a gunfight. Passive-aggressive courage, my new best friend. As expected, no response but there are no longer hopes and expectations on my end. This email wasn’t about Prince Charming nor was it for him….I did what I felt I needed to do for me. Which is when I knew what 2016 would be for me: The Year of Stopping Stupidity. Stupidity helps me hold on to emotional baggage that needs to be tossed…not stored neatly. Stupidity occasionally pairs up with its #bff Comparison so I can be judgy, justify my lack of forward movement or downplay shit. Oh, look at her, stuck in that relationship and doing things I would never do. I’m good because I am no longer in that place. In the Keeping It Real scheme of things:  Chick, the ONLY reason you are no longer in that type of relationship is because he left and let’s not get into what you HAVE done. Stupidity makes me forget another person’s lack of growth does not increase mine.

So yeah, this is the year I put a stop to certain things that encourage stupidity and hinder my growth. Below is a short list which I am keeping truthful and no-nonsense because sometimes, you have to kick your own ass. Readers, I give you (in no particular order), my To-Don’t List for ridding my life of stupidity.

People Pleasing: I have been saying this one forever and I kind of started in 2015 but this is the year it becomes the rule versus the exception. This sounds selfish but if my happiness isn’t a priority for you, you aren’t a priority for me. I am accommodating, willing to compromise and make plans that are considerate for both parties. I try to speak gentle words and be as helpful as possible and even when it is dished out to me, rarely do I dish back (unless you really really really hurt me)….so forgive me for being tired (finally!) of being the doormat, the chick who does everything right and still gets the shit end of the stick. Excuse me   for standing up for myself and making me the priority. I already know some people will not understand this and some folks will fall by the wayside, but that’s a consequence I am willing to deal with. The best of my life starts now and it starts with this.

Drama: Miss me with that this year, please. I do NOT need your uninvited, unwanted messy stuff in my life. I work for Yang, peruse Craigslist for dinner companions (there was the guy who sent me a picture of his ass and said I could be eating that instead of dinner) and have financial arrangements with dysfunctional men. And if that weren’t enough, I still stalk my exes and their wives when my reality gets to be too much to handle. So as you can see, I have TONS of self-inflicted drama to deal with. There’s simply no room for yours. Side note: going to work on the self-inflicted drama this year…time to stop driving myself crazy. I have been shown too many times who these folks (all of them) are.

Stupidity: The financial arrangements with dysfunctional men? They stop this year. I have said it before and the ads have been posted and unposted a thousand times, but trust me when I tell you I am done. There is the guy who doesn’t associate with hookers (but found my escort ad) yet wants me to send him pictures of me butt naked wearing clown make-up; the guy who asked what turned me on, proceeded to ignore my answers and when my total disinterest in the session was beyond obvious, told me I need to watch porn to boost my drive and desire. The guy who agreed to my rate, even offering dinner at Mortons so we could get to know each other but waited until I had travelled to his hotel room in Bethesda to tell me all he had was 1/3 of the money and some McDonalds for dinner. I am tired of and no longer have time for men who don’t/won’t/can’t read; men who flake; men who want to negotiate my prices because they feel I am not young, skinny or pretty enough. Not even going to get into how they answered my extremely honest ad (I have never claimed to be young, skinny or gorgeous). Tired of men who want to twist my agenda to suit theirs. They (whoever they are) say that a man is afraid of a woman who knows her worth; I am learning mine and am done translating it into dollars and cents.  This lifestyle served its purpose for awhile but my emotional and spiritual growth spurt is moving me forward and upward. And just maybe…freeing my life of this clutter will open the road to me finding that one great love. Maybe.

It’s Complicated: Stop it. Just.stop.it. It’s complicated is a copout: either you refuse to accept your choices as your own or you are justifying not taking appropriate action. It isn’t complicated at all….either you are in a relationship or you aren’t. If you are and aren’t happy, you made a choice to stay. Accept your choice and keep it moving. Either you are single or you aren’t…telling the truth isn’t complicated. Lying is, especially when you lie to yourself. If you are emotionally unavailable, that isn’t complicated. You are in a place where you aren’t ready to share yourself with someone; if you’re that person who knows this and still chooses to emotionally invest yourself in that…again, it’s a choice. Even if you have been lied to and led on, at some point your intuition kicked in. Don’t believe the lies once you know the truth. See….it’s not complicated…people tend to be.

Pigeon People: I am done with the folks who keep running back to me. They drop me like a hot potato when things are good for them or they think they have found the greener grass. They leave and leave me to learn to live without them….and here is the thing with those situations: once I get over the hurt and/or anger, I like life without them. Whatever I thought they brought to my life, whatever I thought I needed from them….I don’t. Those folks had not one thought of me when they were off being happy but once shit comes crashing down, here they come back to me. For what? The attention seekers on Facebook? It may be time to unfollow and/or delete. I am going to get more into Pigeon People in a future post but just know this: I am cleaning house this year and they are definitely out.

I cannot take care of you: A part of me thinks this is my karma for my arrangement with Reliable One except I knew enough that if I wanted a rent check, I had to at least provide dinner. A nice dinner. (If you folks are not using Groupon or Living Social yet, you need to be! Dining nicely on the cheap is always a good thing) And you know what? Even if Reliable One was the one to initiate our arrangement, I do not blame him one little bit for breaking it off…..there comes a time when you have to drop the charity cases because helping others no longer helps you. Folks who pass up opportunities to be better, do better; folks who want to be carried through life; folks who want the end results without going through the process; folks who want to sit back and “wait on the Lord”…spare me. I may not know the Bible the way I should and most of the scriptures I know I learned through Madea movies but I do know faith without works is dead. Gravy trains run out and I only had a limited supply to begin with. Of course, me being me, I will still do nice things and help others less fortunate, but it will be on my time and in my way.

Online Men: One would think I had already covered this topic when I denounced the online ads, but as I constantly remind myself, the men online are also in the real world and it is really more of an attitude/mindset…..a mindset that I tend to attract and usually fall for. Let’s look at some of the men I have willingly been in relationships with: an abusive alcoholic; married/emotionally detached men; possible polygamist/known liar. All of these men were liars, cowards, disrespectful, narcissistic, and viewed me as some sort of inanimate object…a stopover. There was never any true commitment to me other than me staying exclusive to them. These men were all words, no action.  Same as the men who respond to my ad or whose ads I read. The majority of online men keep their potential (job, education, possible emotional availability for the right woman) posted upfront because the realities of them are sorely lacking. This year (and from here on out), I hold out for the reality, the action. Potential sucks.

And this is my list…..a lot of these lessons have taken me years to learn. A lot will take tact and finesse to implement; apparently people get pissed and hurt when you treat them the way they treat. Or you tell them the truth. What I am is learning to love me on a fundamental level….the love I gave to the others, I am now starting to give to myself. I want to be my safe place, I want to protect me from the onslaught of life, give myself the peace and relaxation I tried to give to men who are long gone. The baggage I am determined to shed this year has been a long time coming and it is beyond time.

Going to wrap this up now; I have more posts I need to start writing, every fresh green vegetable in my fridge has spoiled and no idea what to put in its place for Sunday dinner. I also need to try to do some home repairs (meaning ask my neighbor if he is available): my garbage disposal is no longer working (even after the reset) and my dishwasher is leaking. Fun times at my place.

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!

Side Affects

Before I get started writing this post, let me state that the title is NOT a typo: I know the difference between effect (a result or consequence) and affect (to produce a change; impressing of the mind and/or emotion). Trust me, the title is completely accurate.

It has been awhile since I last wrote….I have been busy with work and when I am not working, I don’t feel like doing anything except “like” stuff on Facebook, sleep and play Criminal Case.  I feel as if I may be missing out on life…already, Valentine’s Week has come and gone. For me, it did not mean jewelry, chocolate or flowers although it did mean a paid holiday for the first time in years, which I slept through. No, for me, the week meant yet another anniversary of Dottie’s arrival and Prince Charming’s departure…two years now. I thought by now I had healed from the damage they both inflicted; one with their arrival, and the other with their exit. Mostly though, I have just been living with the changes both wrought.

There have been highs and lows (sugar levels as well as emotional) but I have moved forward (so different from moving on): met new people (work related), made new memories, saw things fall into place. I have done some things to slow down the process of becoming a bed-dwelling weekend introvert, but only a few things come to mind right now: treating Cuz to a steak and crab cake dinner and movie for his birthday (Deadpool is the man I have been waiting to meet my entire life!), eating Captain Cookie by the dozen with Yang and Lexie Grey, and eating buckets of fried chicken with Lexie Grey. Food-related activities…and can food really be considered an activity? I do worry about my waistline expanding to the circumference of a small planet and the return of Fat Robin (side note: I am still fat, just not as fat); it has gotten to the point, Yang is going to stage a Chinese food intervention. Any person who wants to deprive me of the yummy goodness of spicy chicken lo mein is not a person with my best interests at heart.

However, Dottie is a huge consideration now (gives whole new meaning to eating for two) so maybe Lexie and I can bond over salads (she claims to be allergic to them) and fresh fruit smoothies. In any case, over our last bucket of chicken, I was telling Lexie the story behind some of my exes.  I like to think I have healed and moved on from my exes, that I have matured enough to accept my part in the disintegration of past relationships. Married Man (I was still bleeding crack rocks and no idea what I was worth), Him (angry, a touch of crazy and a lot of toxicity), AFO (flat out stupid). While I am not okay with the mistreatment and disrespect these men gave me, life goes on, I moved on and lessons were learned.

So I got through AFO with shakes of my head, Him with laughter but when it came to Prince Charming….every emotion I ever felt with the man came across loud and clear. I was happy, excited, frustrated, sad, hurt….my voice shook and my eyes teared up. I missed Prince Charming so much while telling the Story of Us.  Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.  Where did THIS come from? I have moved on!  You can ask anyone: the constant stalking has become a monthly check-in, more out of habit than anything else; the gratuitous tossing of Prince Charming’s name into EVERY conversation is pretty much over and done, and as far as I knew, he was a faded memory. I still have love for him but it is kind of like of the love you have for a childhood pet. I faced the reality of the situation: he lied, he left, he got married. If I were ever to come across the man again, I may consider kicking his ass and cursing him out, but that’s it.

But for all my big talk, all my bravado…I am not healed yet. Oh, I am healing but the process is not over. There is still hurt and some days, the unanswered questions scream for answers but I placate them much like one does a crying child….with soothing sounds (music) and distractions (work).  Going to venture a guess (completely uneducated) and say that while all of the men I have loved/liked/lusted  men have left me to deal with emotional effects ,PC is the one that affected me. He pursued me, he showed caring and understanding, he stopped arguments before they started, he put doubts to rest, he stayed when others would have left. For awhile, I was the only one, I was a priority and I mattered. He made me feel….no, believe that I am sexy, beautiful, smart. He got me and I wanted to be a better person because of his influence on my life.  He was my person. In fact, Prince Charming may just be my true first love…..he is the first one I have not tried to kill or bombard with death threats. He is the first man that I met when I was not some form of lonely. He was the one who knew he brought my unleashed crazy on himself.

Now I am dealing with the effects: trust issues are through the roof and not just with men….everyone; no interest in men or dating at all. It almost feels as if I have gone into an emotional hibernation, waiting for a Spring that involves a man who can offer long-term commitment and exclusivity who wants to know what is between my ears as well as between my legs. I still wonder if I could have done anything differently, I still wonder what the Mexican Girlfriend has that I don’t that made him choose her, that made him love her enough to offer the ultimate commitment.

I think what affects me most of all with the entire situation is that no matter how great he was in the beginning, no matter that he did all the things the others wouldn’t….in the end, I was still settling. Because for all the wonderful things Prince Charming was and offered, the man was a liar and a cheat. He wasn’t as smart as I imagined him to be (still waiting for him to put that law degree into action), he isn’t honest with himself and let us not forget the man wanted to tell me when to pee and eat. Those are pretty big things and things that I would not be able to put up with for the long haul.

Going to put a positive spin on the revelations that telling his story to someone new gave me: yes, I am still hurting and healing but I can appreciate the perspective that being single with standards gives me. Remember, standards only run off the ones who cannot meet them. If a man is intimidated by my strength and independence, he is not the one for me. And no, a strong woman and an angry woman are not the same creature! I don’t need a man for anything (except some home improvement projects) but I would like to want a man. A man who both complements and compliments me. A man who will see my worth without me having to point it out every 10 minutes.  A man who knows all women bring something to the bedroom but only a few bring something to the table. A man who can handle my passion, my crazy and who will make me forget the side affects. Oh, he also has to like spicy chicken lo mein and fried chicken….by the bucket.

Time to wrap this post up…still need to clean the house and prepare to take Little Sis out for her birthday dinner. I will be back soon with new posts including my To-Do List and Nosy Parker Facebook observations. As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!


Memory Lane

It is Board Meeting season in my office…..late in Board Meeting season which means everything is in a state of barely controlled chaos. Strangely enough, I am not freaking out. Me… the chick who needs to know how everything will turn out, who needs organization and someone else to be responsible when it comes to all things work related is actually calm and okay.

Because I know it will turn out fine because there is no other option. Because I am finding out that flying by the seat of your granny panties is not the end of the world. Because I am getting a crash course in project management and after this, I am responsible for subsequent Board Meeting Seasons. (Cross your fingers, break out the rabbit feet and say prayers. PLEASE!) Learning from mistakes made this time around means I can prevent them next time and also means I can be more proactive about anticipated materials and events, or at least that is what I am telling myself….we all know that things are easier in theory than practice.

So, I have been taking trips down memory lane lately and not the sad, dark and twisty roads of the lane; instead, I am remembering the happy times that are not on Facebook, my phone or even in this blog because I was too busy living and being in the moment to even think about capturing them. Happy times, funny times, sentimental times….I have had some, believe it or not and I would like to share some with you, along with a few things that make me happy.

  • The time Hangout Buddy had to take a shit in snow covered woods because he would not heed my warning about eating raw tuna sushi from a sports bar. Not even going to mention he mixed the sushi with helpings of pizza, alcohol and greasy fried foods…you just can’t mix food groups like that and expect to make it all the way home
  • Holding a dinner party for friends and Cuz claimed there was no more chicken (I had roasted a whole chicken) but Honeybee grabbed a knife and proceeded to debone the carcass and find 3 more helpings of meat. Miraculous doesn’t even begin to describe that incident
  • Office Holiday Potluck where the guys opened a bottle of wine by youtubing how to place it against the wall and beating it with a shoe. This was followed by a Nerf gunfight led by Yang
  • The look of appreciation and commiseration when you KNOW it is going to be a stressful day at work and you have cookies and chocolates for your boss who insists she is FINE
  • The time I had a surprise for Him after an argument and I asked that he close his eyes and hold out his hands; he didn’t fully trust me (it was a hellacious argument) so he closed his right eye and held out his left hand as compromise
  • When Tiny Human was being held by someone and he reached out his arms for me to hold him
  • Holding Tiny Human and feeling him scooch his way up my body to lay his head on my shoulder
  • Running down my parents’ driveway while screaming like a banshee in a rainstorm to collect fallen groceries with my sister
  • The feeling I got from the good morning texts from Prince Charming; in fact, I got that feeling from every text he sent but the wake up texts were the best
  • The look in Prince Charming’s eyes when he saw me fresh from the shower: wet, naked and no eyeliner or lipstick and told me I was beautiful
  • Sitting on the stoop of my building with neighbors at midnight during the derecho power outage, just shooting the shit
  • Late night talks with Cuz
  • Hanging out with good friends
  • Falling asleep in Him’s arms with my head on his chest
  • That feeling when my online shopping spree arrives
  • Seeing that my clothes are too big and easily fitting into the smaller size
  • Giving money/food to the homeless
  • Being safe and dry inside my apartment when inclement weather hits
  • Hot tea and broth when I’m sick
  • Endless text conversations with Artsy Craftsy and New Mommy…even when I am not in the mood, it brightens my day
  • Free shipping!
  • Long drives at night with good music playing
  • The scenery when you take a different route home

There are lots of others but will share them another time. What I find amazing is that I am able to salvage my happy memories again with the two men who broke my heart into little pieces. At one point, I thought my happy times with them were both tainted and gone forever but that was before the healing and metamorphosis, which I will get into in my next blog post. For now, I have 4 days to successfully navigate Seattle Grace Mercy West out of Board Meeting Season so I need all the rest I can get my hands on. And prayers….send prayers!

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!