Before we even get started, this is NOT the Sister Someone post. I am still gathering intel, sorting information and processing the sheer fuckery of the situation. But it’s coming soon. Instead, today I am going to share with you my epiphany, which occurred at a funeral of all places.
I have been busy with work (it is both board meeting season and annual convention time), and in my free time, trying to catch up with fall TV….this year has some amazing choices and I am trying to sample each one, not to mention follow and keep up with the fall edition of Big Brother. One other thing I have been doing (or attempting to do) is date….both arrangements and traditional. What I have found out is I am done with one and the other one….we’re just not ready for each other.
However, this is not news; the news is I didn’t believe it. Ever since the Prince Charming fiasco, I have been faking it until I could make it. I was single again and not by choice…frankly, I was probably always single (despite having someone in my life) but that requires a depth of introspection and analysis that is way above my paygrade; I was hurting, and had to soothe the hurt somehow. I was trying to rush my healing and gave myself pep talks, told myself positive things, and told myself (and everyone else) that I was fine.
And somewhere along the way, I really was fine. The wound scabbed over, but I kept nursing it because I don’t know what fine and normal feel like. Then everyone I knew was getting into a relationship and seemed so happy. I am dealing with a very demanding, high stress, ego deflating job, and hey, wouldn’t it be nice to meet someone to talk with, laugh with, share food and laughter with? Someone to exchange massages with and to be told how pretty and capable I am? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Keep reading to find out why.
I knew a while ago I was done with the arrangements, for a lot of reasons and yet, I still kept trying. At this point, I don’t even know why. The Number One reason to be done with them was I did not need them any longer…..I have steady, livable wage income. Factor that in with they have been up (off and on) for about 7 years, the fact that I am not getting responses like I used to, the crazy factor is up a jillion points with 8 out of 10 responders and there you have it. I no longer have the time, energy, and dare I say…the appeal I once had. Then there is the karma factor…no matter how I try to dress it up or justify it, I am a part time hooker being intimate with other people’s partners and spouses. My happily ever after will not be found there. But on my journey of self-discovery, there were some notable responders:
Tiny Penis Dude: A lesson learned from Pudgy: men are bigger whores than women, more insecure than women, and huge hypocrites…which is why Tiny Penis Dude and I fell out. He is telling me how he is really small down there (and yes, he really is as well as super thin. It looks like a #2 pencil that has been sharpened to within an inch of its life); in any case, he is trying to get out of using protection, except he keeps me asking me how clean I am, how often I see a doctor, etc. Why would you ask me (the chick with the condom) about my hygiene and status? You should be telling me/showing me that a condom is not needed with you. Trust me on this, as small as this dude is, he does not use a condom with anyone and I am not the only ad he has answered. But because I am the chick with the ad, I have to be the one with the reassurances.
Crazy Married Dude: This dude is a very different person from Married Man and if you don’t know it, here is his backstory. He wants to reconnect based on our history, and what I have learned from men is when they talk about your history together, it is usually how well you treated them. They have no recollection of what they did. He says he will pay me, BUT I have to actually want him, I have to accommodate his schedule, and cannot get angry if he flakes…he is married you know, and his wife’s health is precarious. Believe it or not, it is his wife’s health and his flippant attitude towards it that makes me dislike the man even more. His wife’s health isn’t poor or declining….it’s precarious. And he wants to fuck around. Does this man think with his big head at all?
While there are plenty of other disastrous stories I could tell (including the guy who spent 4 hours trying to sext under the pretext of setting an appointment or the single dad of 4 who cannot understand why I rejected his $40 and wants to know how much I make annually), there were some good outcomes: the construction manager who had the penthouse suite of a downtown hotel and I spent an hour receiving a massage while taking in a breathtaking view of the city; the lawyer from Detroit who worshipped me from scalp to feet, and afterward told me he envied the man I eventually end up with because I am an amazing catch; the younger guy from Brooklyn who had the most amazing playlist and told me how he would show me NYC at 2am. (I thought he we could be soulmates: he lives in Brooklyn, I live in Brookland; we are both chubby, we both smoke cigarettes, and we both love NFL football) For brief, fleeting moments I was pretty, desired, and while I could not leave my reality behind, I felt refreshed, recharged and as if I were not all alone. THIS….this is what I am trying to capture for more than an hour or two at a time….but it isn’t my time yet. Obviously.
Part of my healing process has me wanting to give up the “for love or money” attitude I have towards sex. I am a single, healthy woman with lots of sexual drive and desire left and according to most accounts I am missing out on the best part of being single: dating and possibly casual sex. Yes, my history with men is littered with abuse, rape and disrespect but this is my present. I have self-worth, and can validate myself. I am no longer that girl from my past, but her scars linger. And the shallow, polluted dating pool (replete with its plethora of stupid men) make the scars throb.
The Contractor: This guy reminds me why I don’t like men or dating. He answered a rant I posted on Craigslist about how stupid, disrespectful and sex obsessed men are (seriously, they tell you how they are into so many interests and hobbies, how respectful and classy they are and negate it all with a dick pic. Every once in a while I vent about it, and usually it gets flagged and removed), and he answered. He wanted to take me to lunch and find out more about the fascinating and articulate mind that posted the rant. I told him I was not looking to date or have sex; just ranting. He said it was just lunch, nothing more. Okay. Except the days leading up to the lunch date, he emailed constantly, and on the day of the date….he cancelled. He cancelled 3 times to be exact: the house he and his buddies are buying (at 62, he is trying to get the band back together) had mold; he was waiting on his new Corvette to be delivered; and lastly, someone severed a finger on the job site. When he went for a 4th rescheduling, I shut him down; 2 weeks later, he emailed me from the restaurant asking if I would meet him there. Well, hell…it’s free food, right? But, it was a borefest….he ordered nothing, just drank a beer and kept looking at his watch. No conversation, no insightful questions, none of the anecdotes and chatter that comprised his emails. We have not spoken since.
The Nice Guy: This guy reminded me just how much I have been disrespected by men in my life. He was another who answered the rant and we struck up email chat. He seemed very nice and really interesting, so when he suggested dinner and movie, I was happy to say yes. Even though he works and lives at National Harbor, he said he would come to DC; if I insisted on covering an expense (I did), I could get movie tickets. He would cover parking and dinner. Of course I was late (work related), but he was super understanding. Dinner was delicious, conversation went well. We went to the movies, and when he suggested I go get seats while he bought my concessions, it struck me that not one man had ever stood in line to buy me popcorn. Not one. The few times I have gone to the movies with a guy, I was on my own if I wanted concessions; they would grab the seats and once, dude grabbed only one seat. I was stuck looking for my own. The movie was good and even better because he did not talk during the movie; afterwards, he took me home. We hugged, said what a great time it was, and then he disappeared. Even my thank you email went unanswered, so just chalking that up to a really nice night out. Nothing is wrong with either of us….it was just a pleasant interlude along the journey.
Catfish: If the Contractor showed me why I dislike dating, this dude shows me why I will probably never date again, and trade in my #relationshipgoals for #assistedlivinggoals. This dude answered my arrangements ad, and is a liar from way, way back. First, he presents himself as a lawyer…he isn’t. He is a government analyst. Maybe. Who knows? Secondly, he says he understands financial generosity but either he doesn’t or he thinks I don’t. Taking me to Bennett Hair School for a $10 perm and haircut is not what I am looking for, although if he can get my wigs shampooed and styled, I may consider it. Then he says he is seeking traditional dating and women who post ads like mine are usually seeking that also.
So I have a liar with reading comprehension skills with his own agenda; no problem as that describes most of the men I meet. I tell him I am not looking to date and I certainly know how to post an ad for that. He then asks if we can meet for lunch or dinner…..except I have to come to his neck of the woods (work neighborhood), and he wants to know how I will be approaching him. Is he a john, potential boyfriend or what? I don’t get that as I do not approach people as anything other than people, and told him so….he obviously misread the ad and I am not looking to date, so if I decide to meet, it would be two people meeting for the first time. No expectations, no preconceived notions. Period. And then red flags really started popping off…
He has contradicted himself to agree with everything I say, he claims to be in recovery but drinks like a fish, he wants me to be Superwoman and protect/provide for him (no mention of his superpowers or what he offers in a relationship), and while he claims to not be seeking sex off the bat, he has texted and called (we exchanged numbers when he was presenting himself as a legitimate client) at prime booty call hours: midnight-3am. He cancelled two lunch meetings. And when we exchanged pictures, I realized that we had met before, about 6 years ago. He used the same pictures then and did not look anything like them, so doubt anything has changed. His pictures show a Greek God-like model; in reality, he looks like Les Grossman (Tom Cruise’s character in Tropic Thunder). Back then, I was Really Fat Robin and he told me he could not date a smoker. Fast forward to today, and he did not recognize who I am now (have I lost that much weight?) and my smoking is not an issue. Which tells me I was too fat for him back then. For all their faults, I will give it to Married Man, AFO, Him, and Prince Charming….they saw my beauty (for a little while) despite my weight.
This is a guy I will have to dumb myself down for (and I am already dumb enough), listen to lies and call them the truth, and become the crazy nag for. Correct me if I am wrong, but I have been there, done that and don’t think I enjoyed it very much.
But wait…there’s more! Married Man and Nebraska are both trying to reconnect….I have received texts from MM (I had no idea who he was and did not recognize his phone number at all) and DMs on Facebook from Nebraska, wanting to get together in April when he returns to the DC area. Two men who offered nothing but disrespect on levels unheard of and believing their version of our history. Well, if they don’t remember, I do and thanks but no thanks.
Is it any wonder I do not want to date or be in a relationship? I want to stay single, especially now that I truly am happily so. Being single is like living alone: everything is just as you left it, no matter how clean and neat or cluttered and dirty. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and have the freedom to do all you want. I don’t have to be perfect, or walking on eggshells, or try to fit a certain ideal or preference because I like and accept me just the way I am. And did I mention I am the most amazing lover I ever had? I make me so happy in all ways, all the time. IF and when I decide to go fishing for dates again, it is going to be in a clear lake that has no public access.
So that is what has been going on ; once the craziness of Board meeting and Convention season dies down, I will be back with the latest in the story of Sister Someone and Brother Everything. I hope everyone has been well and enjoying fall and all it brings. Enjoy that pumpkin spice everything while you can. As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!