Falling Into Place

I saw a quote on Facebook that sums me up as a writer perfectly: “I only write when I am falling in love or falling apart.” When I first began this blog 7 years ago, I wrote and rambled like a crazy woman over Him for YEARS; when I discovered that Prince Charming had a Mexican Girlfriend, I fired off 4 missives in less than 3 hours. And when I was falling for Prince Charming, I could not wait to share my fears, my hopes, my relief and surprise at his choosing me over running away (at least in the beginning he did), the weights lifted off my shoulders when I realized I could trust him (at least for a little while).

I also discovered with all the writing that it IS therapy; I have healed and grown more via this blog more than I know, and am just starting to realize. I have learned that just as I stay in relationships or dealing with men far past their expiration date, I hold onto the hurt and heartbreak for far too long. It is amazing how freeing letting go can be, and letting go comes with acceptance. I am past the hurt, and done holding onto the wouldas, couldas, shouldas. I am living in the moment and enjoying my reality. For the first time in a long, long time I am feeling good about me, not worried about who or what is in my future, and not too concerned about how others are living their lives without me.

Professionally, Lexie Grey and I have both gotten promotions and raises since I last wrote.  Unsure how Lexie feels (in the beginning she was excited as hell), but for me, it means more responsibility on my end, and less accountability for Yang.  I am approaching the 2 year mark with Yang & Company, and the woman is needier, pettier, and more thin-skinned than ever. While I have never been one to jump up excited to go to work every morning, I have never had the stress and dread I do now. The environment (for me at least) is toxic, demanding and there is zero accountability. Everything is my fault and she wonders aloud why I am frustrated with her. No Yang, I am not frustrated….I am FED THE FUCK UP. There have been days I come home and just cry out of frustration.  I try to make light of the situation when I vent to family and friends, but I am pretty much burnt out and at a breaking point. The woman trashed my work. Literally, threw it into the trash because she did not see a need to review it twice. THAT was a level of disrespect that is brand new to me, and I am Queen of Being Disrespected.  Quitting has transitioned from idle threat to inevitable. I have finally accepted that this is who Yang is and what life is like at the hospital, and nothing will change unless I make a change for myself. Job searching now and will keep everyone updated if anything comes through.

Personally, things are falling into place…quelle surprise! It was a lot of hard work to get here. For the longest time, I had divided my personal life into two parts: my actual personal life and Prince Charming. It probably does not make sense to anyone but me, but I will try to explain it anyway. The tl;dr version is quite simply: I still held expectations of Prince Charming and had hopes for us, so I was pretty much living my life in a state of waiting for us to rediscover and reconnect with each other. When Prince Charming accepted my Facebook friend request, I thought life would change. I thought there would be an apology (sincere and remorseful), that baby steps towards rebuilding a friendship (and ultimately, a long term and committed relationship) would ensue.

But, nope. We are still not talking and from what he posts of his new life, he is happy with his enchiladas, Spanish lessons, and houseful of children and extended in-laws. That is NOT me….I like being alone (if someone special came along, I could share space with them on the weekends), and children are definitely welcome, but on a part-time basis only. And there are other strikes against him: he has little to no professional ambition, his religious views, his love of pets (he has 4 dogs and a ferret while I view pets the same as I do children….great to visit but you cannot live here), and the list goes on. I have also discovered that while I am still a little bit in love with him, I do not think I like him very much. In my book, like is far more important than love.

Let’s face facts: I spent the first half of our relationship falling in love with his mask and lies, and the second half begging him to put the mask back on and to keep lying to me. No one deserves that nor should they ever settle for that.

So now that I have fully accepted that Prince Charming and I are not meant to be, that he is not the one that got away, and we are not soulmates waiting to be reunited, I have turned my attention to me and what’s next on the personal front. The answer is nothing, at least right now. I had a dinner date with the Poor Man’s Michael Moore and it was a disaster. The man claimed to be on a low carb diet, yet ate 2 baskets of bread and had 4 beers; he ate the entire meal (including salad) with his hands, and licked the plate afterwards; and peered over my shoulder when I was getting an uber to see where I was going (and possibly snag my home address), and when I called him out on it, he told me he was making sure I did not fuck it up. Huh, what?

While I KNOW I am not ready for a relationship (if the discounted Michael Moore is any indication of what is out there, I never will be), I sometimes feel maybe I am or that maybe I need to be because I should be wanting to get out and be social and be active in the world. I am happily single and single folks get out into the world. And I like doing stuff out in the world:  movies, dinners out, comedy clubs, and museums but lately all I do is stay home. Sad, lonely, still-hung-up-on -someone folks stay home. But I am neither sad nor lonely: I read, I watch TV, I listen to music and sometimes cook. I google random shit, text and talk with my friends, play my games. And then it hit me…..I am feeling guilty for not wanting to do things I feel I SHOULD do rather than enjoying what I WANT to do. Trust me, when I am ready to go out into the world, I do. I am looking to use a relationship as an impetus to do things when I really don’t want to do them. And that is what  I have been shown what a relationship is…doing things I don’t want to do and being a person I feel I have to be when all I want is to lay in bed, not shower, and eat takeout 3 weekends out of 4. It is me being apologetic and explaining/excusing myself, instead of being understood. And I want to put myself through this again, why?  And who in the hell people pleases to an empty audience? Who knows? I am an idiot who is just now realizing that happily single covers a lot of ground and is the best thing ever.

Other things that have happened since last I wrote is my health is not the best. I’m not dying although I definitely could be feeling better. I had a thyroid biopsy. With no anesthetic. It was painful, but the results were benign which makes up for it. However, the surgeon wants to remove it as the thyroid has a goiter with multiple nodules that keeps growing. My trachea is severely out of alignment which interferes sometimes with breathing and swallowing.  I have gallstones (multiple) and that will result in me having my gall bladder removed. After the thyroidectomy. However, I am a pulmonary risk for both surgeries (I am still fat and I smoke cigarettes. Apparently not a good combination), but that issue was not addressed. The surgeon was too busy telling me (after one look at my face) that I was over-stressed and under-rested and offering to write me a prescription for bed rest. Yet another reason for the job search.

I cleared out my closets (again): 5 bags, 3 boxes, 4 purses, and 3 pairs of shoes…all gone. The clothing was either too big or I simply no longer wore them. The closet is still snug but there is breathing room now. I got some under the bed shoe organizers and cleared up a ton of floor space, so the studio looks larger. I like getting rid of the things that no longer fit my body (or life) and neatly storing the things that do. Spring cleaning all the way around, people.

Him (husband of the Big Tittied Hooker, and the ex that prompted this blog) may or may not have answered my ad. Quick backstory: about 3 months ago, a guy answered my ad. I do know he did not send a picture and really want to say I didn’t send one either; in any case, dude emails me about 10 days ago, addressing me by name (!!) and saying he was uncomfortable with the fact that we had worked together on the Island, but if I did not mind, he did not either. And he signed the email with Him’s name.

The one thing that made me think it was Him was my entire time at the Island, there were only 3 men with Him’s name: one has now passed away and the second guy is devotedly married to a sickly woman. His time is spent between work and family, period. He does not happy hour, he does not hang out with co-workers after hours, and he doesn’t internet on pages like the one I posted my ads. So that leaves Him. We did set a date to meet, but “Him” cancelled last minute, and when asked if he was still at the Island, said he had left the Island for downtown DC. I told Chef and Artsy Craftsy, and with a ton of extensive research, we discovered no other guy with Him’s name had worked at the Island during my timeframe I did. (Remember, the guy specifically said we had worked together) I asked when he left the company; no answer. I flat out asked the guy if he was Him; again, no answer. And for now, no further correspondence. Strange and weird, but so was Him. For now, it has been back-burnered because none of us no longer have energy or interest enough in Him to worry about it.

Well, I guess this is enough for now. I will be back with new posts and updates, including the Sister Someone post (finally!).  As always, thanks to all who stop past to read and keep tabs on a sista, and as usual….enjoy your day!