Welcome to 2017, everyone! It is a new year (that has taken off as if propelled from a rocket…I completely missed January) and the USA has a new president, which the entire world is protesting. Not going to get all political; just hoping, wishing, and praying I am not picking cotton on the National Mall this time next year.
When I sat down to write, I had at least 2 posts in mind…..still need to discuss Sister Someone, but that would require too much thought and work; besides, I would probably have to face even more defects within myself that have not been addressed and/or are not fully understood, and I don’t have time for that right now. The other one was a letter to women, but after the Women’s March, going to shelve that one for a few. Let’s bask in the fact that we came together internationally, millions strong, to speak our pieces. And we were heard; if not by all, then by some.
No, today I want to talk about my contentment….it is still here, that feeling of happiness and satisfaction, a feeling I thought was reserved for other people. But lately, it seems to be spurring both an action and an introspection within me. A demand that I be treated with respect, that my value and worth be recognized…..to be fair, this is probably normal and healthy but I am new to normal and healthy. Perhaps those memes and sappy sayings on social media are right: when you realize your value and worth, you won’t allow others who don’t to be around you. And what they didn’t tell me was that I will defend and protect my peace.
Yes, I am actually walking away from those who do not see who I am and what I offer, and standing my ground with no fear of losing someone. I find myself praying to God, Mother Mary, and Little Baby Jesus that folks delete my contact information as they walk away. I no longer apologize for nor feel the need to explain my boundaries. They are in place and either you can respect them or you can’t. I am watching actions more and listening to words less. I am no longer waiting…..I don’t even recall giving that up, but I have. The expectations, the anticipations….poof, be gone.
I have grown from the hurt, learned from the pain. And then, as life (mean teacher that it is) sometimes does, it gave me a pop quiz. Remember when Prince Charming reached out via Linked In? I accepted and countered with a FB friend request. I thought I was defending and protecting my peace because the man has always turned tail and ran when confronted. Well, guess who accepted? Somehow, I feel I failed the pop quiz and my peace is giving me the side eye.
It should be noted neither of us are speaking to the other, but he has sent Candy Crush requests. I have no idea what he wants. His pictures convey a happiness and contentment with his new life and family. Somehow, I do not think there is a seat for me at the table when they have family game night. I have no idea what I want; there is no trust and he is married, so definitely not a reconciliation. What I am looking for, he cannot offer.
Part of me (okay, the majority of me) wonders what the hell are both of us doing (seriously, WHAT??) but the stalker in me is ecstatic at unfettered social media access which was freely given by the stalkee. A stalkee who knows he was being stalked. How often does THAT happen? And the bewildered little girl in me is happy to have a timeline to cement her closure and confirm her suspicions. So yes, I may be an idiot and a fool, but I am one taking advantage of an opportunity that I have never had before.
Cuz is livid at this turn of events, saying we are obviously thinking more about each other now than when we were together. Morning Person says we are falling for the crazy again. UTA is wondering why neither of us is using the block and delete features Facebook is famous for. Lexie Grey is not speaking to me unless it is food related. Me? I am sitting here looking stupid.
I am no longer the person I was back then; the one who shed tears and wishing I had what the Mexican Girlfriend had (attributes, flaws and all) just so I could still be with Prince Charming. Acceptance had finally sunk in (it has been 3 years) and I was moving along, living a life that did not include him. I still am, but now it’s as if he is on the fringes, and there is still a tiny part of me that wants him to make things right. I do know that just because we act as if we are strangers, we really aren’t, and maybe Prince Charming knows this also. Or maybe I am once again the man too much credit.
No idea what is going on or what this turn of events will turn into….it could be completely nothing, or it could be the start of brand new drama. Never know what you are going to get when 2 crazy, assbackward people think they can handle shit.
So this is all for now…..I will be back with new posts, possibly an update. Wishing all the couples out there a wonderful Valentine’s Day and for you single (like me) folks who may be looking for plans that do not involve being surrounded by lovers, Hooters will give you free wings AND shred a picture of your ex for you on February 14. Check it out!
As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading, and as always….enjoy your day!