Silent Night

It is late on a Christmas Eve….Christmas is about 10 minutes away, and I am listening to anything but Christmas carols. I just came in from dinner and movies with Downstairs Neighbor. If you step into my apartment, it looks like March 23rd…..no Christmas decorations, not even a holiday card is displayed. I did not cook for the holiday; I plan to eat leftovers in between sleeping and catching up on TV shows. And I have never been happier to just have at least 2 days where I do absolutely nothing.

Gone (for now) are the unhappy holiday seasons where I was alone with heartbreak and unanswered questions. The Thanksgiving after Him had dumped me and married the Big Tittied Hooker still stands out….the darkness, the pain, the endless crying. The Christmas after Prince Charming had married the Mexican Girlfriend and I spent the entire day and night stalking their FB pages, not eating, and crying, crying, crying. The months and years I spent telling myself I was fine and I didn’t care.

This year, I AM fine and I really don’t care. I am at that place where I am totally at peace with myself; I have what matters: a roof over my head, rent in case the landlord shows up asking for it, clothes, no worries about my next paycheck, incredible friends, and a sense of self-everythings. My health could use some help: Dottie has been a little out of whack lately but blaming it on me having both bronchitis and gall stones….and still smoking and eating greasy foods. It always has taken me a little time to actually learn a lesson.

So as I sit here, marveling at the fact that 2016 will be history in about one week, I wonder what 2017 has in store. It seems that 2016 gave us a Chicago Cubs World Series win (first in 108 years) and all it cost us was a slew of celebrity deaths and America losing its political sanity. I have nothing against DJ Trump but who he is getting to mind the store while he tweets, runs his businesses, and produces a reality TV show has me just a tad worried. I need a President who knows that Leader of the Free World is not a part-time job.

I did not have hopes and dreams for 2016…after surviving 2014 and 2015, I expected 2016 to simply be a repeat. But I was pleasantly surprised by how normal it was, and my emotional growth spurt that has allowed to me to grow both as a person and an employee. I feel so empowered knowing that no one can take away my self-everythings and no one is worth me downplaying myself in any way, at any time. I no longer want to revisit the past or have it revisit me. I want to enjoy the present and await what the future holds.

It has taken me a long, long, long  time to get to this point, so my hopes, dreams and goals for 2017 are simple: to be a more efficient communicator, which will be hard as I tend to surround myself with folks who hear what they want to hear, how they want to hear it; to continue to recognize  and value my self-everythings and not tolerate any behaviors or persons that do not; and for my family unit to remain intact and in good health for another 365 days.  Of course there will be hiccups and setbacks, and for that I pray for strength and a continuous renewal of my faith to hold me steady.

So I am going to wrap this up now…..I wish everyone a safe, blessed, bright and happy holiday week. Please be safe, and focus on appreciating what you do have versus mourning what you don’t. It makes all the difference. I will be back in 2017 with new posts and updates and fingers crossed you will be here to share them with me.

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…..enjoy your day!

 

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Out of the Blue

 It has been quite awhile since I have written. Maybe I should stop blogging, compile an email list, and just send out a monthly newsletter. Once acceptance and contentment move in, and drama moves out….there really isn’t a lot to say, talk about, or analyze. I do hope everyone reading had a safe, relaxing, and bountiful Thanksgiving. I went to NC to spend it with my family, and it was great! Tiny Human running around and into walls (he’s 18 months and has discovered the joys of running), a burnt turkey that still got demolished, my brother was home, and lots of laughter. Debating a move to Richmond, VA to ensure I am on the right side of I-95; that highway is ridiculous from Fredericksburg to DC and beyond. And Richmond is less than 3 hours from NC.

So not a lot has been going on but there are a couple of things I feel are worth mentioning. Mostly that I am evolving, but not as evolved as I thought I was and apparently I am still a fool for a handsome face. And, if my Panel is to be believed, I need to upgrade what I deem handsome to be because I am being a fool for incredibly average faces.

But first, I want to share that my good friend Weekend Phone Friend has lost his weekend job. (sad face emoji. 2 of them) A part of me is incredibly happy that for the first time in the ten years I have known him, the man will have a normal work schedule instead of his 60 hour, 7 day a week grind he has been maintaining long before I knew him. He deserves to break free and sleep in on a Saturday morning. The other part misses my friend, our late night/early morning talks; I miss his advice, his laughter, and his stories. We have each other’s phone numbers, but our schedules are not compatible but I am going to make time to call him and catch up. I keep wondering who is going to help me make sense of men now, and I know that he would love the story I am about to tell.

So you all know (or maybe you don’t) that the hospital had their annual convention I early November; this year, the destination was San Diego. I was asked if I would be a team player and pitch in since The Intern Dr. Cross is no longer on staff; he has turned in his scrubs to be the next Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I basically (in a an aggressively passive way) turned it down for three reasons: I cannot keep up with the accelerated pace that comes with convention; NO WAY am I putting myself in THAT pressure cooker: every year, people come back not speaking to each other and resignation letters in hand; and, I needed a break from being the whipping bitch/scapegoat. I get 2 weeks a year to break away from that role, and I am not giving up one of them.

Well,  I am in the office (not alone, as the Hospital has taken on Tenants who were there every day and held phone banking and grilled cheese parties every evening), scarfing down spicy beef lo mein and Facebooking (it was lunchtime, I swear), when who should walk through the door but The Pilot! He came to take me to lunch (so he says) but saw me with soy sauce on my chin and more than likely, a noodle hanging from my mouth, so he asked if he could sit and chat instead. The shock had worn off, and I am strong and steadfast in my commitment to myself and my singlehood, so I tell him sure. And talk was pleasant: we laughed, complimented each other, and then it happened. Not sure if I was surprised, but I was a little disappointed and angry in myself, and wondering when my office became a bootleg love nest.

 I kissed the Pilot. Deeply. I got up to do something with my cell phone, he grabbed me by my waist, and there it was. And It was sooooo everything I had been missing. But. But. But….what happened to me being happily single, not wanting to be at the mercy of lying men who want only to use me sexually? Oh, AND he lied about being a Mormon. (Leave it to me to find yet another Mormon I am apparently ga-ga over)  But that kiss was amazing, and the look in his eyes when he was looking at me…. I walked around still feeling his kiss the next day, but the day after that? Back to normal. Head back in the game, heart on lockdown. We.Are.Good. And then I got a notification from LinkedIn….

Prince Charming was viewing my profile. PRINCE CHARMING. Yes, that guy. The Secret Mormon. Perhaps my true first love, the one I loved more than anything, the one who lied to me and I still begged to be his sidepiece. The one with the Mexican Girlfriend. My heart was in my throat and I was so giddy…but he was just looking. Nothing more, but at least he was stalking me also! You KNOW it’s true love when you stalk each other without saying a word.

And then, he extended an invitation to join his network…and I accepted immediately.  Not going to lie to anyone, it almost felt like we had gotten back together. Here is where I feel the need to state publicly that I probably need professional help and to be banned from dating and love. Apparently, I just NEVER learn a lesson. I was filled with questions: What does this mean?  What happened to all the FUCK YOUs I had for him? Mind you, the man STILL has not said ONE WORD. Nada. So why am I blowing things out of proportion? I will tell you why: if I am like this when he hasn’t said a word, what will I do if he does? These are not thoughts and feelings that accompany vindictive satisfaction (think: I knew you would come back mindset); no, these thoughts and feelings are a my soulmate has returned to me mindset.

Well, I could not walk around like that for the next however long….so I reached out to my Panel and talked it out for 2 days. Lexie Grey wants all of my devices to have a social media ban on the man, but I can’t quite bring myself to do that. But I did come up with an idea that seemed pretty assbackwards, but that is the way I am. My mama always said I was born assbackwards and been that way ever since, but it works for me. You gotta fight crazy with crazy…..so I took the bull by the horns and sent Prince Charming a Facebook friend request. If we are going the social media route, go big. (UTA said that his reconnection was the lamest thing she had ever heard of, but then again, the man has always been a lame one) And it worked: the man has not acknowledged the request, and has stayed silent.

Believe it or not, I am so glad for that. I obviously still like the man waaay too much. I am not ready for a relationship, and definitely not the one I deserve; I am still too eager to gather the crumbs that fall from his sandwich to make my meal. More time is needed: to recognize and remember my worth, to strengthen my resolve, to let the tape rewind all the way back. And I realized something else: for all I miss about Prince Charming and the majority of our time together, I found I did not miss the roller coaster of emotions, the overthinking, and the never-ending questions about his actions or lack thereof.

I enjoy being single, being content, not worrying about nor thinking about what someone is doing all day, everyday. For the first time in a very long time, I am present in the moment and enjoying my friends, my family and my boring ass life. I truly do not want a bae or a boo or a boyfriend….just kinda want to stay with me for a minute. Even with holiday season officially here, I am looking forward to maybe a nice Christmas Eve dinner with neighbors and friends, being on my own schedule, and vegging out; there are no feelings of being incomplete or of missing out on something. Strange how I always thought I was waiting for the return (or arrival) of that someone special, but what I was waiting for was this feeling of being enough for me….and it has finally arrived.

So this is what has happened since we last spoke. I do have posts planned including my reflections on 2016, and a letter to all women. If I can get them out before the end of the year, I will be as surprised as you. As usual, thank you dear readers for stopping past to check on me, and as always…..enjoy your day!