Once again, it has been awhile since I posted. I am trying to figure out when my schedule got so busy that I have never ending to-do lists at both work and home and when my energy levels disappeared. In all honesty, not a lot has been going on but the few things that have, I really want to write/talk about and explore because they have made me think, self-examine and I see where I need to turn some things around. Again, the process has turned inward. This post is going to be part one of two because there is a lot of ground to cover and it is best to separate the situations so I can truly focus on how they made me feel and what I can do to take back my power.
First, I guess you may be wondering who is Dilbert? Well, Dilbert is the new name for Reliable One. I was thinking of a new name for the man since he stopped paying my rent and all credit goes to The Intern Dr. Cross for coming up with the new name. When he saw a picture of the man, he screamed that he looked exactly like the cartoon character Dilbert, down to the shirt and tie. I must say I agree with the assessment.
So, everyone knows I met Dilbert about 9 years ago (via Yahoo personals of all things), that he is a fetishist with a thing for extremely obese and overly tall women and has never left his mama’s house. He told me I was his dream woman but he would never have sex with me because he felt he was not man enough. He is also a commitment-phobe who was seeing me and his other Non-Girlfriend simultaneously: he would take her on vacations and I got my rent paid. Then his mother died.
He had moved the Non-Girlfriend into his home 6 months before his mother passed because the Non-Girlfriend got dumped by her live-in boyfriend (he fell for some Brazilian big booty chick from the internet and moved to be with her); NG got stuck with the house which fell into foreclosure. Dilbert never told me any of this; it slipped when he was telling me he would no longer be paying my rent and I had to find a Plan C and do the best I could. A part of me wondered why I was the one being hung out to dry but I did not think too hard about it; after all, I cannot live with other people, especially people who are non-smoking hoarders and cheap to boot. Besides, it had been a nice ride (over 5 years) and I had the job at Seattle Grace. I could become truly independent again. It was time to learn how to adult and I was ready.
I did try to stay in touch with Dilbert, I really did. I called his house but there was never an answer. I called his job and got voicemail. Emails to his work address went unanswered. I did not try too hard…my exes taught me that when efforts go unanswered, they are wasted indeed. And the man was no longer paying my rent, so why in the hell was I trying? And then Dilbert called me: first at work when I was on the other line with someone else. Followed immediately by a call to my cellphone and then to my house phone…so he COULD reach out when he wanted to.
I called him back and we ended up having dinner at a nice steakhouse where he told me he was hoping his job became permanent and that Non-Girlfriend had quit her job. I was speechless for about 5 minutes for two reasons. First, Dilbert told me he had 38 years of federal government service under his belt….where was this “becoming permanent” coming from? (He has yet to answer that question) The second reason was that the NG was deliberately unemployed and he was okay with that. I quickly got over that piece of news though because like the exes before him, Dilbert seemed to have one set of qualifications for me and another for the woman he eventually ends up with. But something else was up: granted, Dilbert is cheap and extremely cost conscious but he has never said I could not order what I wanted, especially since I started producing groupons to help defer the costs. This evening however, he was reading prices aloud and actually counting on his fingers.
We ate while he complained about having a live-in Non-Girlfriend; I could not help but let my mind process the fact(s) that Dilbert’s mom, who lived to be 97 and survived two bouts of pneumonia, a hip replacement and a surgery doctors said would kill her, died 6 months after this chick moved in and 6 months later, Dilbert is talking about his job becoming permanent and is counting the cost of dinner on his fingers. I dismissed it as me being jealous, petty and jaded….such are the thoughts of a dumped side piece. Until the bill came and Dilbert excused himself to go to the bathroom…and never came back out. Oh, he eventually returned, 30 minutes later, AFTER I had paid the bill. And he did not even ask for the bill, just asked was it time to go. I did not say a word and let the entire incident drop.
Then Dilbert calls again…..some time had passed and I guess he thought I had forgotten about the dinner. This time, he said he wanted to take me someplace nice for lunch; my first suggestion got shot down as being “too nice” so we agree to a restaurant we NEVER go to. I get there and we sit down to order…and then he starts staring at the door as if he is seeing a ghost. When I ask what’s wrong, he says Non-Girlfriend is there and he wants me to hide under the table while he tries to make a run for it. I ‘m going to let that sink in for a minute: a man who no longer pays my rent, I have never had sex with and who claims this other woman is NOT his girlfriend, wants us to HIDE from her. Really??
I told Dilbert he had lost his mind…no way was I crawling beneath a table and he was not running. What he WAS going to do was walk over there and bring the woman back to the table, make introductions and we would all break bread together. He finally got up and talked to the Non-Girlfriend outside the restaurant. Meanwhile, my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute as I text the Panel and Lexie Grey….how did she know where we were having lunch? It makes no sense for anyone unemployed to travel into the heart of downtown DC at the height of lunch hour to eat alone at a place where the lunch special weighs in at $30 + tax. No other explanation, Dilbert told her and conveniently forgot to mention he was dining with a female. The Panel was flabbergasted (I like that word) and Lexie kept telling me to come back to the office where I would be safe.
When Dilbert returned to the table, I asked him why he told his “roommate” (I even did air quotes) to meet us for lunch. He says he didn’t, she was coming down to have a networking lunch…just a coincidence. Except I don’t believe in coincidence. He then asked me to send this chick a Facebook friend request so she could see it was strictly platonic between us. I totally ignored that statement. I then asked him what was he thinking telling me to hide under the table and his response? “You’re used to eating shit sandwiches so I did not think you would mind.” That statement still sticks with me and it pisses me off every.time. I would never think it was okay to treat someone as less than simply because they had to endure it in their past…just because I have eaten shit before does not mean I have acquired a taste for it.
I simply ordered a third lunch and two desserts, left it on his tab and returned to the office where I shared the food with my fellow residents. And then last week, Dilbert called again, wanting lunch at the pizza place next door to Seattle Grace. I did not want to go but Dr. Robbins and Morning Person said it was at least a free lunch. And I have figured out my role in Dilbert’s life now: I have been transitioned from Dream Woman to Listening Ear because true to form, he began bitching about life with the Non-Girlfriend. She can’t cook, won’t clean, won’t look for a job and is ragging him about a new air conditioning unit because the current one died In the middle of a heatwave. Her cat could die. He says he cannot afford it. I told him to just shut up about it because the next step would be him proposing marriage to the woman. He says, “I hope not.” Then says I should gain weight so he can be attracted to me again. And that ended lunch.
You know, for all my growth and moving forward, two questions have taken up residence in the back of my mind. I will save one question for my next post but the other one is: how come I can’t keep the guy? I am all kinds of great things and I am more than a playmate…I am a helpmate with both a healthy sex drive and desire. I work, I cook, I clean, and am a generous girlfriend who believes in praise and submission. Yet, I am tossed aside for women with children and no desire to be employed …women with no desire to be wife material even after they get the ring. Women who are broke and determined to make their man broke too. I have been told I need to be a dominant bitch but that is not in me unless I am angry or hurt. A relationship should have neither of those qualities. But in thinking over and reading what transpired over 3 separate dates with Dilbert, I think I can answer the question.
In a way, it is me…with all my exes and Dilbert. I need a strong man…a man who will stand up to me, push me, challenge me. I don’t want to wear the pants in the relationship….I firmly believe in letting the man be the man. I do not want someone whose attraction to and love for me depends on what the scale says. I do not want someone who thinks it is okay to constantly offer me the shit end of the stick because I should be used to it. I don’t need a man who will constantly step outside our relationship to have his needs met (whatever they may be) instead of sitting down, having the hard talks and putting in the work to keep us growing in all ways. What I do need is someone who sees my strength and knows that every once in awhile, I need to be weak and vulnerable and will step in to carry the burden for me. A man who respects himself enough to be truthful in every situation, who respects me and our relationship. I have yet to meet that man and I am getting better with the waiting part of the preparation process.
Okay, going to wrap this post up now and will be back sooner rather than later with Part 2. As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!