In about 2 weeks, I will celebrate 14 years in recovery. 14 uninterrupted years. (The uninterrupted part is important…to me, at least) There is a saying in the rooms that one does not acknowledge or celebrate the recovery anniversary until after it has passed (one day at a time), but at this juncture of my recovery process, I think it is safe to say that whatever life has to throw at me, I will NOT be deflecting with a drink or a drug.
However, folks are trying my last good nerve for real; I have to say the worst thing about recovery is dealing with other people, especially when they are ignorant, stupid and/or crazy. The saying is life isn’t easier in recovery but it is better and it has dawned on me that I have not been utilizing all the tools at my disposal to make my life better. Oh, I have learned to accept things probably about 10,000 years after they happen. I have learned to realign hope….instead of hoping that guy I was so in love with who could not tell the truth or say goodbye will see what he had in me and come back, I hope I can find the love I offer returned to me. I hope I can remain happy, regardless of age or status. Yes, hope and acceptance are great things; it has taken me a long time to get to this point and I am proud of my accomplishments but it is time to go to the next level.
The most important thing I keep forgetting about in recovery is while I may be powerless over some things (okay, most things), I do have control over others and one of those things is my personal space….and I have been sabotaging my own inner peace. I have been feeling as if I can’t breathe, I have been frustrated and the stress I am carrying has turned my muscles to concrete. No bueno, and to that end I have been making moves and snatching my power back.
The Ads: I have been talking about doing something with them for forever but never doing anything. I hide behind excuses and justifications but it finally dawned on me (after an onslaught of ridiculous responses and one too many games being played) that the ads are doing more harm than good….seriously, name the last time I had a viable response to my ads? If I can’t answer it, I know you can’t but I can tell you with precision and certainty the last time I got a headache from an idiot responder.
So I took the ads down. Just like that…no excuses, no justifications. I deleted/blocked all the extraneous contacts from my laptops and cellphone. I finally cleared some clutter from my life and I feel REALLY good about it. Of course, should I need to fall back on them for economic reasons, I will but for now I no longer have to deal with men who don’t read, who want to negotiate, who want attention by any means necessary, who wish to judge me based on my age, weight and looks. Unhealthy is in the corner and it feels good.
Seattle Grace: I simply cannot any longer with Yang. I just can’t. I am on the 4th day of a 4 day weekend and all I have done is sleep. Not showering, barely eating…I did catch up on Suits though. However, I had plans: cleaning/changing over my closet, a family cookout, maybe a movie. But I couldn’t because I am stuck in some stress induced depression and I just can’t do anything. Please do not think I am ungrateful or don’t want my job….I am and I do. I just need a different boss.
Life with Yang is worse than the preview she gave me as a temp: I am meeting impossible, last minute deadlines only to have her change them or dismiss the project completely (again last minute); according to Yang, my communications outside of the hospital (with the Board, vendors, members) do nothing but reflect poorly on her and all the staff. I do not inspire confidence. She does not do her own homework and research and gets both pissed and doubtful when I do mine….completed projects sit for weeks on her desk and in her inbox because she has to double check my work. She puts me in charge of last minute assignments she doesn’t want to handle, then gets someone else to work on them also. The woman has actually asked staff what I do to contribute to the office…and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She has undermined me, belittled me and now has no idea what I contribute…I learned 2 heartbreaks ago that if folks cannot see your worth and efforts, stop wasting your talents on them. If you cannot see what I offer and bring to the table, let me stop doing it. So, it has boiled down to three options with her:
- Cuss her out. Really, the question is why hasn’t this happened before? Every job I have had, I have cursed folks out, including supervisors, bosses and The Best Team Ever. But I wanted to be more professional, more mature, more in control of my emotions with this job. I wanted to show my growth and not be an even bigger stereotype (I am fat, black, diabetic and wear fake hair…did not want to add angry to the mix) but Yang takes kindness, understanding and accommodation as weaknesses. She needs to see I am not weak but also not trying to get banned from the building because for all her bravado and bullshit, Yang would be scared to death at what she would see as an uprising.
- Get Fired. Not sure how that will happen, for two reasons: she won’t fire me because she needs me more than I need her and if she has another turnover in staff, she will probably be called into question. Not sure I want being fired on my resume and I do want to leave on my terms but I no longer even want to see her face and I no longer care if my job gets done or not, so calling out is the best option. She may be able to let me go on an excessive absences charge.
- I am working on that all the time…..I am submitting resumes left and right for both perm and contract positions. I had an extremely promising phone interview with NC this week and I am keeping my everythings crossed. When the next job comes along, I do not plan to tell her I am leaving…she will switch gears and convince me that she won’t be so difficult and ask me to please stay. And because I hate change and crave approval and praise, I will once again think I could be the exception and I will stay. It is an abusive relationship and I need to break the cycle. I have been told that I need to develop a thick skin but I already have that…her claws are just that sharp. So I will leave under the cover of night and ignore phone calls. Email to the Board filed with grievances is optional.
So this is me, making moves…some active, some passive-aggressive. At least it’s forward steps to take control of what I can and just maybe letting go of what I can’t. 2016 is the year that the rest of my life becomes the best of my life and if it means cutting safety nets without a backup plan, I will…Lord knows it cannot be any worse than when someone else cuts the cord for me. I want to enjoy life, not fleeting moments in life. I want to be appreciated and for once in my life, not used or abused. I don’t want to have to put on my thick skin, walk on eggshells nor have to defend or explain my choices and reasons. I think the two decisions I made this week are big steps toward those goals. We’ll see.
As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!