Makin’ Moves

In about 2 weeks, I will celebrate 14 years in recovery. 14 uninterrupted years. (The uninterrupted part is important…to me, at least) There is a saying in the rooms that one does not acknowledge or celebrate the recovery anniversary until after it has passed (one day at a time), but at this juncture of my recovery process, I think it is safe to say that whatever life has to throw at me, I will NOT be deflecting with a drink or a drug.

However, folks are trying my last good nerve for real; I have to say the worst thing about recovery is dealing with other people, especially when they are ignorant, stupid and/or crazy.  The saying is life isn’t easier in recovery but it is better and it has dawned on me that I have not been utilizing all the tools at my disposal to make my life better. Oh, I have learned to accept things probably about 10,000 years after they happen. I have learned to realign hope….instead of hoping that guy I was so in love with who could not tell the truth or say goodbye will see what he had in me and come back, I hope I can find the love I offer returned to me. I hope I can remain happy, regardless of age or status. Yes, hope and acceptance are great things; it has taken me a long time to get to this point and I am proud of my accomplishments but it is time to go to the next level.

The most important thing I keep forgetting about in recovery is while I may be powerless over some things (okay, most things), I do have control over others and one of those things is my personal space….and I have been sabotaging my own inner peace. I have been feeling as if I can’t breathe, I have been frustrated and the stress I am carrying has turned my muscles to concrete. No bueno, and to that end I have been making moves and snatching my power back.

The Ads: I have been talking about  doing something with them for forever but never doing anything. I hide behind excuses and justifications but it finally dawned on me (after an onslaught of ridiculous responses and one too many games being played) that the ads are doing more harm than good….seriously, name the last time I had a viable response to my ads? If I can’t answer it, I know you can’t but I can tell you with precision and certainty the last time I got a headache from an idiot responder.

So I took the ads down. Just like that…no excuses, no justifications.  I deleted/blocked all the extraneous contacts from my laptops and cellphone. I finally cleared some clutter from my life and I feel REALLY good about it. Of course, should I need to fall back on them for economic reasons, I will but for now I no longer have to deal with men who don’t read, who want to negotiate, who want attention by any means necessary, who wish to judge me based on my age, weight and looks. Unhealthy is in the corner and it feels good.

Seattle Grace: I simply cannot any longer with Yang. I just can’t. I am on the 4th day of a 4 day weekend and all I have done is sleep. Not showering, barely eating…I did catch up on Suits though. However, I had plans: cleaning/changing over my closet, a family cookout, maybe a movie. But I couldn’t because I am stuck in some stress induced depression and I just can’t do anything. Please do not think I am ungrateful or don’t want my job….I am and I do. I just need a different boss.

Life with Yang is worse than the preview she gave me as a temp: I am meeting impossible, last minute deadlines only to have her change them or dismiss the project completely (again last minute); according to Yang, my communications outside of the hospital (with the Board, vendors, members) do nothing but reflect poorly on her and all the staff. I do not inspire confidence. She does not do her own homework and research and gets both pissed and doubtful when I do mine….completed projects sit for weeks on her desk and in her inbox because she has to double check my work. She puts me in charge of last minute assignments she doesn’t want to handle, then gets someone else to work on them also. The woman has actually asked staff what I do to contribute to the office…and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She has undermined me, belittled me and now has no idea what I contribute…I learned 2 heartbreaks ago that if folks cannot see your worth and efforts, stop wasting your talents on them. If you cannot see what I offer and bring to the table, let me stop doing it. So, it has boiled down to three options with her:

  1. Cuss her out. Really, the question is why hasn’t this happened before? Every job I have had, I have cursed folks out, including supervisors, bosses and The Best Team Ever. But I wanted to be more professional, more mature, more in control of my emotions with this job. I wanted to show my growth and not be an even bigger stereotype (I am fat, black, diabetic and wear fake hair…did not want to add angry to the mix) but Yang takes kindness, understanding and accommodation as weaknesses. She needs to see I am not weak but also not trying to get banned from the building because for all her bravado and bullshit, Yang would be scared to death at what she would see as an uprising.
  1. Get Fired. Not sure how that will happen, for two reasons: she won’t fire me because she needs me more than I need her and if she has another turnover in staff, she will probably be called into question. Not sure I want being fired on my resume and I do want to leave on my terms but I no longer even want to see her face and I no longer care if my job gets done or not, so calling out is the best option. She may be able to let me go on an excessive absences charge.
  1. I am working on that all the time…..I am submitting resumes left and right for both perm and contract positions. I had an extremely promising phone interview with NC this week and I am keeping my everythings crossed. When the next job comes along, I do not plan to tell her I am leaving…she will switch gears and convince me that she won’t be so difficult and ask me to please stay. And because I hate change and crave approval and praise, I will once again think I could be the exception and I will stay. It is an abusive relationship and I need to break the cycle. I have been told that I need to develop a thick skin but I already have that…her claws are just that sharp. So I will leave under the cover of night and ignore phone calls. Email to the Board filed with grievances is optional.

So this is me, making moves…some active, some passive-aggressive.  At least it’s forward steps to take control of what I can and just maybe letting go of what I can’t. 2016 is the year that the rest of my life becomes the best of my life and if it means cutting safety nets without a backup plan, I will…Lord knows it cannot be any worse than when someone else cuts the cord for me. I want to enjoy life, not fleeting moments in life. I want to be appreciated and for once in my life, not used or abused. I don’t want to have to put on my thick skin, walk on eggshells nor have to defend or explain my choices and reasons. I think the two decisions I made this week are big steps toward those goals. We’ll see.

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!




Monthly Update

Hello, dear readers!!  It has been a long time since I last posted….almost two months. Hard to believe it is now the month of May and it is almost 75% over! 2016 is not playing…it is rolling through here kicking ass and taking names and I wonder where the time has gone and what exactly have I been doing other than working, eating potato chips in bed and Keeping up with the Mormons. (Unsure if it is being a Mormon, being married or having to speak Spanish on a constant basis, but Prince Charming is looking more like Dumbledore….old, tired and the man has let himself go in a lot of ways. All he is missing is the hat.)

I do apologize for not writing on a more regular basis. I stay tired A LOT and while I have had fulltime jobs before, working at Seattle Grace Mercy West is an entirely different animal.  After a day spent walking on eggshells, putting out fires, dodging crazy and keeping up with multiple personalities, priorities and deadlines, I find myself totally unmotivated to do anything. But life has been going on over here and wanted to share the highlights that reflect growth, change, or the lack thereof.

Blossoming Friendship: I stated on my first day at Seattle Grace Mercy West that my best shot at an office friendship would be with Lexie Grey but I had no idea just how deeply it would run. In all of my work travels, I manage to find that one true friend who I can talk to about anything (including my crazy), not just the office….but never thought I would find that here at the hospital. Lexie is amazing: she is sweet, quiet, insightful and occasionally pulls me out of my comfort zone. She has introduced me to her friends Resting Bitch and The Sisterhood, we have people watched and met the Italian Ryan Gosling, I have accompanied her on one of her first dates with a guy from coffee meets bagel (covertly of course) and we debrief about everything  over ice cream sundaes or fried chicken. We feed each other, she has brought me toilet paper and seen me in my natural state. Yang says we are the odd couple of the office and we are…remember, I am totally inappropriate at times and can be quite extroverted when need be but we balance each other out, help each other through office induced breakdowns and more in common than I would have thought. Lexie Grey…she’s a keeper.

Near Miss: The ads have not come down yet….yes, I am tired of the men, the stupidity and the occasional drama they create but the ads have become a safety net and I am reluctant to take them down unless I am satisfied and secure in both my personal and professional lives. That has not happened since Prince Charming and the assignment with the Best Team Ever. At this point in my life, I am good with my personal life (it helps that I kinda hate stupidity and thus, all men, right now) but Yang is far too unstable and downright mean for me to become fully complacent with my job. I need to know that if that chick finally goes due south on me or pushes me to the point I simply no longer care about my primary source of income, that I can simply refresh the ads, update my availability and bring in enough to pay Comcast and credit cards.

But I digress….while it is great I can identify the hows and whys of baggage, this part of the blog is to tell you about a man who answered my ad. He is a pilot and Director at a local non-profit. I found him cute, sweet and nice; he found me to be pretty, smart and funny. We met for lunch where we talked, flirted and ate noodles (which was sloppy but kept us laughing at ourselves and each other). It was a LOT like the courtship period with Prince Charming: it felt natural, there was easy conversation and I was not self-conscious of my height, weight, or anything else society says is a flaw and a detriment. I felt pretty or at least I didn’t give a damn if he thought I was pretty…he found me interesting! And he seemed to see the inner beauty in me…he said I left him tongue-tied and with butterflies. BUT…he is married (his 2nd) and has 2 small daughters. He has never cheated. And I had to let myself down gently and tell him that we could not progress, regardless of the financials. He needed to be home, working on his marriage. He agreed.

We finished eating and he walked me back to my office. We held hands and he gave me a crash course in clouds. (He’s a pilot remember?) We reached my office building and we didn’t say goodbye. Instead we kissed. In public. With tongue. Not sure what happened to the talk we just had 5 minutes before but it was so nice to have a conversation that wasn’t forced, to walk the streets with someone I found attractive and who found me the same. It was amazing to be kissed in public. I invited him up to my office (don’t ask why because I really and truly don’t know) where he met the Intern Dr. Cross (the Pilot introduced himself giving his entire name which was weird) and we kissed some more in the conference room. He even squeezed my ass. And I have not talked to him since save once when he told me he was in Florida on business. It was nice to feel what I have been missing but it is even nicer one of us heeded the conversation. He is married and I am worthy of much more than side piece status; he finds me cute so you know he is crazy. I know what I am talking about here… if you don’t believe me, check my track record. I have not reached out and won’t…he obviously has no clue what he is doing or getting himself into and I am still too hung up with unresolved issues towards the last guy. I have not unpacked the emotional baggage left behind. I am too ready which lets me know I am not ready. We both dodged a bullet.

North Carolina: It is Board Meeting season in my office which means for 2-4 weeks each quarter, Yang is buttfuck crazy with a mean streak a mile long. She becomes petty, incapable of comprehension and so infuriatingly bitchy, it makes everyone miserable. Innocent conversations are held in whispers behind closed doors, stress eating is the norm and we all wonder why we are still there. There are long days, late nights and I am her whipping bitch (she made me rehash every fuckup I had over the past 6 months via email and with paperwork, she has told coworkers I don’t inspire confidence and rejected all my work products for a week straight).I can’t prove it but I swear the woman is sabotaging my work…I have seen her in action with others, and as her whipping bitch, I am not exempt from the same treatment. It doesn’t bother me like it used to but it is toxic as hell; not sure I still have a high tolerance for toxic.

So I am back on the hunt for a job, both here and in NC. Yes, NC is back on the table for relocation; actually, it never left but I had to make the move on my terms. It sounds selfish but I know what I need for a long term relocation (in addition to indoor smoking and partial nudity) and I know what The Most Boring City in America offers (and doesn’t offer). First up, I need a job…one with decent pay and to that end, I have been applying my butt off. I have had one phone interview (didn’t hear back though) and just got rejected by a Fortune 100 company which has offices there. Maybe my timing is off or I am both overqualified and expensive (based on current salary) for NC; or maybe my time with Yang is not over yet but here is hoping the right employer down there notices me and soon. I am more than willing to meet face to face (with enough notice) and have told potential employers so. Secondly, I need money: I need to get a place to live, purchase a car (trust me, NC requires at least one vehicle per household) and I need to move there. Since I am not the best at saving money, I will be looking into funding options when the time comes but not trying to get too far ahead of myself. Let’s get the job first.

Also in NC’s favor is that while I still feel I need to go, I now want to go. DC is getting too crowded, too shallow and just too much of not enough. I want to spend more time with my family (my parents are in their upper 70s and Tiny Human is 1 year old!), have a work/life balance and have a shot at a real relationship…you can’t meet anyone up here in the real world because no one speaks (except the homeless, and that is just to beg money) and no one makes eye contact. As corny and clichéd as it sounds, in NC the sky is bluer, the grass is greener and the people are friendlier. I honestly think I will see more of my Panel and friends once I move because no one wants to travel to or around DC…metro will kill you and traffic is a huge clusterfuck. I am ready for a fresh start in a new place….keeping my fingers crossed.

BTH, Published Author: Ahhhh, the big tittied hooker. She and Him fell off my radar a long time ago so this tidbit comes courtesy of New Mommy. When life is boring (as it is now since I have yet to meet my future ex-boyfriend), New Mommy passes the time catching up with the lives that wreaked havoc in mine. She doesn’t really care but like me, she enjoys seeing/reading how life is without me. Usually it is confusing, messy, and/or strange. Occasionally it is so surreal, it is hilarious. BTH’s latest venture falls under the occasionally column.

I think I mentioned she had begun calling herself an erotic author the last time I checked in on her; well, she has written her book.  It is the story of a naturally dominating (I think she means dominant, but maybe not) who takes a protégé under her wing. According to the official website, it is the first story in a trilogy which will detail the mentoring and empowering of a young woman and it is a novel for all women seeking to take charge in their career, a liaison and/or personal relationships. The idea for this semi-autobiographical novel came from the author (instead of changing career gears in 2008 when the financial crisis happened) reminiscing over her MANY sexual situations and relationships.

For a brief moment, I felt jealous because she is now a published author; I could be a published author. She had the time, means and resources to follow her dreams. But it was only for a brief moment; I have always been too busy trying to find and keep a job, keep the roof over my head and keep food on my table. I am working on becoming emotionally healthy so I no longer have to scream my insecurities to the world. She is married to a man who I have had and in hindsight, have no respect for. (It’s that kink which I could never get on board for…I was just trying to keep a man) And her dreams came true at the expense of ridicule for her husband (no more questions about what is happening in that relationship) and family, including children. Yeah, I am happy with my path and no longer envious of others. Score one for me!

And this is what has been happening in my world. Well, still trying to change over my closet (I have so many cute new things for the warmer weather!) but between work and this fickle weather, it hasn’t happened yet. I hope to be back sooner versus later with new posts and updates. Until then, take care of yourselves!

As usual, thanks for stopping by and reading and as always, enjoy your day!