2016 is over 3 months old and I am still trying to figure out what to name it. Given the presidential candidates this year, I was going to call it The Year of Keeping It Real. Then I did The Stupidest Thing I Will Do This Year. I emailed Prince Charming…at his (new) work email address. Please do not ask me what I was thinking because I do not know. What I do know is that the missing of him has been an almost physical longing for a few weeks; I do know that he is invading my dreams: once, we worked in the same office where we exchanged handshakes and small talk and in another, he was having sex with the Mexican Girlfriend (cowgirl style, wearing a condom) in my prison cell while she called him Zack Morris (the Saved by the Bell guy). Strange, I know and what was I doing back in prison?? I think that was symbolic or maybe metaphorical….whichever one fits my scenario.
But in any case, I wanted to talk to him, to clear my heart and be gut level honest with the both of us…Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy say it was me being vulnerable (an emotion the man no longer deserved) but I didn’t care…what the hell did I have to lose?? So I wrote an email….took my time with it, printed it out and re-read it 50 times; I could have used Facebook (the middleman of emails) but I wanted to “face” him although I am scared to. His treatment of me has made me an outsider and an interloper and full-fledged stalker to him now (and let’s not forget it has been 2 years although to men 2 years is the equivalent of one week) but while I may have some things to apologize for, I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I needed to show him I am unafraid to face him. And on another note, for a little while, he was the man that felt like home. I miss that. Not necessarily him, but that feeling.
I knew without a doubt the man would not respond, so of course it is easy to be a cowboy when you know you are the only one showing up to a gunfight. Passive-aggressive courage, my new best friend. As expected, no response but there are no longer hopes and expectations on my end. This email wasn’t about Prince Charming nor was it for him….I did what I felt I needed to do for me. Which is when I knew what 2016 would be for me: The Year of Stopping Stupidity. Stupidity helps me hold on to emotional baggage that needs to be tossed…not stored neatly. Stupidity occasionally pairs up with its #bff Comparison so I can be judgy, justify my lack of forward movement or downplay shit. Oh, look at her, stuck in that relationship and doing things I would never do. I’m good because I am no longer in that place. In the Keeping It Real scheme of things: Chick, the ONLY reason you are no longer in that type of relationship is because he left and let’s not get into what you HAVE done. Stupidity makes me forget another person’s lack of growth does not increase mine.
So yeah, this is the year I put a stop to certain things that encourage stupidity and hinder my growth. Below is a short list which I am keeping truthful and no-nonsense because sometimes, you have to kick your own ass. Readers, I give you (in no particular order), my To-Don’t List for ridding my life of stupidity.
People Pleasing: I have been saying this one forever and I kind of started in 2015 but this is the year it becomes the rule versus the exception. This sounds selfish but if my happiness isn’t a priority for you, you aren’t a priority for me. I am accommodating, willing to compromise and make plans that are considerate for both parties. I try to speak gentle words and be as helpful as possible and even when it is dished out to me, rarely do I dish back (unless you really really really hurt me)….so forgive me for being tired (finally!) of being the doormat, the chick who does everything right and still gets the shit end of the stick. Excuse me for standing up for myself and making me the priority. I already know some people will not understand this and some folks will fall by the wayside, but that’s a consequence I am willing to deal with. The best of my life starts now and it starts with this.
Drama: Miss me with that this year, please. I do NOT need your uninvited, unwanted messy stuff in my life. I work for Yang, peruse Craigslist for dinner companions (there was the guy who sent me a picture of his ass and said I could be eating that instead of dinner) and have financial arrangements with dysfunctional men. And if that weren’t enough, I still stalk my exes and their wives when my reality gets to be too much to handle. So as you can see, I have TONS of self-inflicted drama to deal with. There’s simply no room for yours. Side note: going to work on the self-inflicted drama this year…time to stop driving myself crazy. I have been shown too many times who these folks (all of them) are.
Stupidity: The financial arrangements with dysfunctional men? They stop this year. I have said it before and the ads have been posted and unposted a thousand times, but trust me when I tell you I am done. There is the guy who doesn’t associate with hookers (but found my escort ad) yet wants me to send him pictures of me butt naked wearing clown make-up; the guy who asked what turned me on, proceeded to ignore my answers and when my total disinterest in the session was beyond obvious, told me I need to watch porn to boost my drive and desire. The guy who agreed to my rate, even offering dinner at Mortons so we could get to know each other but waited until I had travelled to his hotel room in Bethesda to tell me all he had was 1/3 of the money and some McDonalds for dinner. I am tired of and no longer have time for men who don’t/won’t/can’t read; men who flake; men who want to negotiate my prices because they feel I am not young, skinny or pretty enough. Not even going to get into how they answered my extremely honest ad (I have never claimed to be young, skinny or gorgeous). Tired of men who want to twist my agenda to suit theirs. They (whoever they are) say that a man is afraid of a woman who knows her worth; I am learning mine and am done translating it into dollars and cents. This lifestyle served its purpose for awhile but my emotional and spiritual growth spurt is moving me forward and upward. And just maybe…freeing my life of this clutter will open the road to me finding that one great love. Maybe.
It’s Complicated: Stop it. Just.stop.it. It’s complicated is a copout: either you refuse to accept your choices as your own or you are justifying not taking appropriate action. It isn’t complicated at all….either you are in a relationship or you aren’t. If you are and aren’t happy, you made a choice to stay. Accept your choice and keep it moving. Either you are single or you aren’t…telling the truth isn’t complicated. Lying is, especially when you lie to yourself. If you are emotionally unavailable, that isn’t complicated. You are in a place where you aren’t ready to share yourself with someone; if you’re that person who knows this and still chooses to emotionally invest yourself in that…again, it’s a choice. Even if you have been lied to and led on, at some point your intuition kicked in. Don’t believe the lies once you know the truth. See….it’s not complicated…people tend to be.
Pigeon People: I am done with the folks who keep running back to me. They drop me like a hot potato when things are good for them or they think they have found the greener grass. They leave and leave me to learn to live without them….and here is the thing with those situations: once I get over the hurt and/or anger, I like life without them. Whatever I thought they brought to my life, whatever I thought I needed from them….I don’t. Those folks had not one thought of me when they were off being happy but once shit comes crashing down, here they come back to me. For what? The attention seekers on Facebook? It may be time to unfollow and/or delete. I am going to get more into Pigeon People in a future post but just know this: I am cleaning house this year and they are definitely out.
I cannot take care of you: A part of me thinks this is my karma for my arrangement with Reliable One except I knew enough that if I wanted a rent check, I had to at least provide dinner. A nice dinner. (If you folks are not using Groupon or Living Social yet, you need to be! Dining nicely on the cheap is always a good thing) And you know what? Even if Reliable One was the one to initiate our arrangement, I do not blame him one little bit for breaking it off…..there comes a time when you have to drop the charity cases because helping others no longer helps you. Folks who pass up opportunities to be better, do better; folks who want to be carried through life; folks who want the end results without going through the process; folks who want to sit back and “wait on the Lord”…spare me. I may not know the Bible the way I should and most of the scriptures I know I learned through Madea movies but I do know faith without works is dead. Gravy trains run out and I only had a limited supply to begin with. Of course, me being me, I will still do nice things and help others less fortunate, but it will be on my time and in my way.
Online Men: One would think I had already covered this topic when I denounced the online ads, but as I constantly remind myself, the men online are also in the real world and it is really more of an attitude/mindset…..a mindset that I tend to attract and usually fall for. Let’s look at some of the men I have willingly been in relationships with: an abusive alcoholic; married/emotionally detached men; possible polygamist/known liar. All of these men were liars, cowards, disrespectful, narcissistic, and viewed me as some sort of inanimate object…a stopover. There was never any true commitment to me other than me staying exclusive to them. These men were all words, no action. Same as the men who respond to my ad or whose ads I read. The majority of online men keep their potential (job, education, possible emotional availability for the right woman) posted upfront because the realities of them are sorely lacking. This year (and from here on out), I hold out for the reality, the action. Potential sucks.
And this is my list…..a lot of these lessons have taken me years to learn. A lot will take tact and finesse to implement; apparently people get pissed and hurt when you treat them the way they treat. Or you tell them the truth. What I am is learning to love me on a fundamental level….the love I gave to the others, I am now starting to give to myself. I want to be my safe place, I want to protect me from the onslaught of life, give myself the peace and relaxation I tried to give to men who are long gone. The baggage I am determined to shed this year has been a long time coming and it is beyond time.
Going to wrap this up now; I have more posts I need to start writing, every fresh green vegetable in my fridge has spoiled and no idea what to put in its place for Sunday dinner. I also need to try to do some home repairs (meaning ask my neighbor if he is available): my garbage disposal is no longer working (even after the reset) and my dishwasher is leaking. Fun times at my place.
As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!