Side Affects

Before I get started writing this post, let me state that the title is NOT a typo: I know the difference between effect (a result or consequence) and affect (to produce a change; impressing of the mind and/or emotion). Trust me, the title is completely accurate.

It has been awhile since I last wrote….I have been busy with work and when I am not working, I don’t feel like doing anything except “like” stuff on Facebook, sleep and play Criminal Case.  I feel as if I may be missing out on life…already, Valentine’s Week has come and gone. For me, it did not mean jewelry, chocolate or flowers although it did mean a paid holiday for the first time in years, which I slept through. No, for me, the week meant yet another anniversary of Dottie’s arrival and Prince Charming’s departure…two years now. I thought by now I had healed from the damage they both inflicted; one with their arrival, and the other with their exit. Mostly though, I have just been living with the changes both wrought.

There have been highs and lows (sugar levels as well as emotional) but I have moved forward (so different from moving on): met new people (work related), made new memories, saw things fall into place. I have done some things to slow down the process of becoming a bed-dwelling weekend introvert, but only a few things come to mind right now: treating Cuz to a steak and crab cake dinner and movie for his birthday (Deadpool is the man I have been waiting to meet my entire life!), eating Captain Cookie by the dozen with Yang and Lexie Grey, and eating buckets of fried chicken with Lexie Grey. Food-related activities…and can food really be considered an activity? I do worry about my waistline expanding to the circumference of a small planet and the return of Fat Robin (side note: I am still fat, just not as fat); it has gotten to the point, Yang is going to stage a Chinese food intervention. Any person who wants to deprive me of the yummy goodness of spicy chicken lo mein is not a person with my best interests at heart.

However, Dottie is a huge consideration now (gives whole new meaning to eating for two) so maybe Lexie and I can bond over salads (she claims to be allergic to them) and fresh fruit smoothies. In any case, over our last bucket of chicken, I was telling Lexie the story behind some of my exes.  I like to think I have healed and moved on from my exes, that I have matured enough to accept my part in the disintegration of past relationships. Married Man (I was still bleeding crack rocks and no idea what I was worth), Him (angry, a touch of crazy and a lot of toxicity), AFO (flat out stupid). While I am not okay with the mistreatment and disrespect these men gave me, life goes on, I moved on and lessons were learned.

So I got through AFO with shakes of my head, Him with laughter but when it came to Prince Charming….every emotion I ever felt with the man came across loud and clear. I was happy, excited, frustrated, sad, hurt….my voice shook and my eyes teared up. I missed Prince Charming so much while telling the Story of Us.  Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.  Where did THIS come from? I have moved on!  You can ask anyone: the constant stalking has become a monthly check-in, more out of habit than anything else; the gratuitous tossing of Prince Charming’s name into EVERY conversation is pretty much over and done, and as far as I knew, he was a faded memory. I still have love for him but it is kind of like of the love you have for a childhood pet. I faced the reality of the situation: he lied, he left, he got married. If I were ever to come across the man again, I may consider kicking his ass and cursing him out, but that’s it.

But for all my big talk, all my bravado…I am not healed yet. Oh, I am healing but the process is not over. There is still hurt and some days, the unanswered questions scream for answers but I placate them much like one does a crying child….with soothing sounds (music) and distractions (work).  Going to venture a guess (completely uneducated) and say that while all of the men I have loved/liked/lusted  men have left me to deal with emotional effects ,PC is the one that affected me. He pursued me, he showed caring and understanding, he stopped arguments before they started, he put doubts to rest, he stayed when others would have left. For awhile, I was the only one, I was a priority and I mattered. He made me feel….no, believe that I am sexy, beautiful, smart. He got me and I wanted to be a better person because of his influence on my life.  He was my person. In fact, Prince Charming may just be my true first love…..he is the first one I have not tried to kill or bombard with death threats. He is the first man that I met when I was not some form of lonely. He was the one who knew he brought my unleashed crazy on himself.

Now I am dealing with the effects: trust issues are through the roof and not just with men….everyone; no interest in men or dating at all. It almost feels as if I have gone into an emotional hibernation, waiting for a Spring that involves a man who can offer long-term commitment and exclusivity who wants to know what is between my ears as well as between my legs. I still wonder if I could have done anything differently, I still wonder what the Mexican Girlfriend has that I don’t that made him choose her, that made him love her enough to offer the ultimate commitment.

I think what affects me most of all with the entire situation is that no matter how great he was in the beginning, no matter that he did all the things the others wouldn’t….in the end, I was still settling. Because for all the wonderful things Prince Charming was and offered, the man was a liar and a cheat. He wasn’t as smart as I imagined him to be (still waiting for him to put that law degree into action), he isn’t honest with himself and let us not forget the man wanted to tell me when to pee and eat. Those are pretty big things and things that I would not be able to put up with for the long haul.

Going to put a positive spin on the revelations that telling his story to someone new gave me: yes, I am still hurting and healing but I can appreciate the perspective that being single with standards gives me. Remember, standards only run off the ones who cannot meet them. If a man is intimidated by my strength and independence, he is not the one for me. And no, a strong woman and an angry woman are not the same creature! I don’t need a man for anything (except some home improvement projects) but I would like to want a man. A man who both complements and compliments me. A man who will see my worth without me having to point it out every 10 minutes.  A man who knows all women bring something to the bedroom but only a few bring something to the table. A man who can handle my passion, my crazy and who will make me forget the side affects. Oh, he also has to like spicy chicken lo mein and fried chicken….by the bucket.

Time to wrap this post up…still need to clean the house and prepare to take Little Sis out for her birthday dinner. I will be back soon with new posts including my To-Do List and Nosy Parker Facebook observations. As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!