As I sit here in your final hours, I find myself reflecting back to my first day with you. I had such high hopes for you and for us. I had plans and goals but obviously you had your own plan and goals. Honestly, you were my most trying year to date…..you damn near broke me.
There was no relocation to Raleigh, NC; there was no great romance; there was no new year, new me. Instead, there was 7 months of no job, no money and job interviews that made me damn near homicidal. There were times my self-everythings were so low, they were running in the negative and I wanted to kill myself. And the one time I tried to kill myself. It seemed you were a year of dead ends and endless questions.
But, I survived you and as I sit here thinking it all over, you were a year that both tested me and tossed little bits of hope my way so I would not give up entirely. You brought me my Tiny Human (my incredible nephew whom I love beyond words and measure), you kept me and my family in good health. You strengthened my faith and prepared me for whatever else life may throw my way. You also blessed me with a permanent job that I am getting better at every day. No, it isn’t perfect but what is? And you have shown me that being alone is not the worst thing in the world. Being single can be a blessing.
I think the biggest lesson I am taking away from this test you turned out to be can be best described in an incident that happened this week. With all the renovation going on in the condo building I live in, I found myself with a mini-infestation of the Stuart Little family. They were in my kitchen, bathroom and finally the main room. I knew they were around but because I heard them but never saw them, I ignored them and pretended everything was fine. Until I could ignore them no longer (Baby Little and I watched Quantico together) and had to take action.
So I cleaned my house (under the bed was utterly disgusting), got holes plugged up and had some other minor repairs done. I purged my closets of the clothes that are now too big and that I held onto simply because I wore them once and I MAY wear them again. I literally changed my space but in such little ways, someone from the outside would never know. But for me, having lived here 12 years without moving or touching a thing…it feels like a brand new apartment.
Cleaner, filled with new clothes (now that I have cleared out the old, I have room for the new), useless junk that has been around for years is now trashed… and while everything seems to be in the same place, it isn’t quite since I could not move the heavier furniture back into their original spaces/places. And that is what happened to me in all ways in 2015…I cleared out some junk (not all of it, but enough), rearranged some things and for the first time in a long time, I am ready to face a New Year with an open mind and a clean slate. No worries hanging over my head, no wondering if they love me, will they be around for the next day, week or month. It’s just me and the next 365 days. No plans, no goals…all I want in 2016 is the strength to handle what’s coming my way.
Goodbye, 2015….I will not miss you. Hello, 2016….bring it.