Dear 2015:

As I sit here in your final hours, I find myself reflecting back to my first day with you. I had such high hopes for you and for us. I had plans and goals but obviously you had your own plan and goals. Honestly, you were my most trying year to date…..you damn near broke me.

There was no relocation to Raleigh, NC; there was no great romance; there was no new year, new me. Instead, there was 7 months of no job, no money and job interviews that made me damn near homicidal. There were times my self-everythings were so low, they were running in the negative and I wanted to kill myself. And the one time I tried to kill myself. It seemed you were a year of dead ends and endless questions.

But, I survived you and as I sit here thinking it all over, you were a year that both tested me and tossed little bits of hope my way so I would not give up entirely. You brought me my Tiny Human (my incredible nephew whom I love beyond words and measure), you kept me and my family in good health. You strengthened my faith and prepared me for whatever else life may throw my way. You also blessed me with a permanent job that I am getting better at every day. No, it isn’t perfect but what is? And you have shown me that being alone is not the worst thing in the world. Being single can be a blessing.

I think the biggest lesson I am taking away from this test you turned out to be can be best described in an incident that happened this week. With all the renovation going on in the condo building I live in, I found myself with a mini-infestation of the Stuart Little family. They were in my kitchen, bathroom and finally the main room. I knew they were around but because I heard them but never saw them, I ignored them and pretended everything was fine. Until I could ignore them no longer (Baby Little and I watched Quantico together) and had to take action.

So I cleaned my house (under the bed was utterly disgusting), got holes plugged up and had some other minor repairs done. I purged my closets of the clothes that are now too big and that I held onto simply because I wore them once and I MAY wear them again. I literally changed my space but in such little ways, someone from the outside would never know. But for me, having lived here 12 years without moving or touching a thing…it feels like a brand new apartment.

Cleaner, filled with new clothes (now that I have cleared out the old, I have room for the new), useless junk that has been around for years is now trashed… and while everything seems to be in the same place, it isn’t quite since I could not move the heavier furniture back into their original spaces/places. And that is what happened to me in all ways in 2015…I cleared out some junk (not all of it, but enough), rearranged some things and for the first time in a long time, I am ready to face a New Year with an open mind and a clean slate. No worries hanging over my head, no wondering if they love me, will they be around for the next day, week or month. It’s just me and the next 365 days. No plans, no goals…all I want in 2016 is the strength to handle what’s coming my way.

Goodbye, 2015….I will not miss you. Hello, 2016….bring it.

Fitting In

I have not posted anything in the month of November. Hopefully everyone had a good Thanksgiving! I have a lot to say but nothing has really been happening so it seems a bit pointless and a bit of an oxymoron. How can I have so much to say if nothing has really been going on? It’s all been internal and a bit contradictory which is (for me) a good reason to put off writing. I had to understand it and make it make sense. Don’t think I succeeded with that but putting it out there anyway.

Another reason for my unintentional absence is that I have been adjusting to my new PERMANENT job. When it comes to Yang, I must say the Devil is not as black as she is painted. I keep jumping at shadows and listening to tales of those long gone but I have not had any of what I was warned of: my life is not ruined and the woman has even stopped calling me incompetent. Win-win. In fact, she and I are communicating both well and often, I am including her in the more social aspects of office life and we are bonding. I feel as if I am not as productive as I should and could be but dealing with ALL of the responsibilities (and as Yang put it: employees have responsibilities, temps have tasks) this position entails takes some getting used to but I am slowly finding my rhythm. As I was told, I have more power than I realize…harness it and use it wisely.

There is change happening over here, folks. I feel pretty and sexy with no one to tell me I am. I am ready to take the lead in my life again. No longer am I going to worry about losing this job, that man or go looking for the worst case scenarios; from now on, I am going to focus on keeping what I got: my job, my self-everythings, my sanity. Consider it an early New Year’s resolution.

On the personal front, I do miss companionship and someone to share my days with, someone to talk with at night and spend my weekends with, even if it is just museums, movies and meals. Simply still not ready to let down the guards and walls and haven’t met anyone who seems worth the efforts. And here is where the biggest contradiction comes into play: I am happy being single and I am more than incredibly happy for my girlfriends who have found love or at least special someones to spend their time and this holiday season with. But for real, when I see their posts on Facebook, I just want to tell them to fuck off. We’re still friends, I still love you to pieces but seriously…fuck off. Of course, I don’t tell them that because when it comes to that, the issue is with me, not them. They have worked hard, been patient (one waited 6 years) and when their time was right, they opened the door to something new. It’s just not my time yet.

Part of the reason I am not ready and it is not my time yet is because pieces of my heart are still stuck in the past. I still check in on Prince Charming…it is no longer stalking where I was obsessively checking the pages of everyone Mexican and Mormon related; I drop in once in awhile, kinda like people watching. The stories unfolding over there are trainwrecks but not the flashy, splashy ones Him provided; no, these are derailments versus head-on crashes. I say Prince Charming looks horrible but apparently I am finally seeing the man without my rose colored glasses…I was seeing the photo-shopped version of the man. And here is another contradiction: a part of me is still in love with the potential, a part of me misses the attention but none of me wants the man back. Is that even possible? To know who someone really is, still love and miss them but not want them in your life?

Thinking of cancelling Christmas…not a pity party, not being a Grinch or a Scrooge (I actually brought some folks presents this year) but I just want peace, quiet and solitude this year. I want my bed, catch up on my TV shows and leftover Chinese food. Maybe a matinee movie, some dancing would be nice (I last had solo dance party when Prince Charming and I were in love and my body is saying it’s time) and enjoying my peace and happiness. BUT…there is Tiny Human to consider….he is amazing, adorbs and smiles at me even when he isn’t pooping. He is cooing/talking the baby gibberish, playing with toys, developing/growing so quickly AND I essentially have a paid 10 day vacation from work December 24-January 4….I could split the time between solitude and family time. The look on his face at Thanksgiving when he realized he was not having any turkey was priceless and I wonder how he will react to seeing his first Christmas tree. But planning on staying home and enjoying my time off. I need me time, indoor smoking and sleeping in. As a compromise, I will be taking a 4 day weekend in January to go back to NC.

Life has not been all introspection over here: I have been out to dinners, saw the stage play Sherlock Holmes with Downstairs Neighbor and we are going to play trivia later in the week, had a great Friday night out having Proper Burgers with Lexi Grey and Munchkin (one of Lexie’s BFFs who checked on me when the office was in NOLA), followed by walking the Outdoor Holiday Market and getting my palm read….was told this new job I had started (or was about to start) was a positive career path move, my ex and I are still strongly connected and the next man I met on a romantic level would be a 1000% upgrade and would offer me marriage. Best part? I would meet him through my career. Thank you, Jesus….already he is an upgrade. Oh, we also went to a really nice bar where I ordered a virgin drink that shot Dottie through the roof (who needs alcohol when you can have a diabetic sugar rush) as it was strawberry puree, ice cream and a chocolate covered cherry.

All in all, November was a damned good month. I am still processing but in a far better place, I have a perm job that will allow me to make plans and set goals, a great set of friends (the Panel is still around and in full force), I am paying my own rent (Reliable One pulled a Him and a Prince Charming complete with the ignoring of phone calls and emails….that is another story) and I am both looking and feeling better than I have in a very long time. AND I have my mojo back….professional confidence coupled with a positive body image. Unbeatable combination. I am learning to fit in again…into the office world, into single life and into my own skin again.

Please check back sooner than later for new posts (I have missed writing and sharing!) and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!