Walks Like a Duck

It has been a long two weeks; wanted to write before but couldn’t find the words to properly express what was going on. It’s like déjà vu except it’s in the wrong context which makes it seem askew. In a nutshell, Yang is bipolar as hell and is basically The Mormon Prince Charming (minus the sexual undercurrents) in a dress, sitting in an office. My observations led to interesting discussions with Weekend Phone Friend and Buddy; Buddy suggests that maybe I am the bipolar one: all of my exes and nearly all of my bosses have turned out to have layers of crazy that were not apparent in the beginning. Just two weeks ago, Yang was sooo amazing and we were on our way to being work BFFs; now I am telling her to hold off on bringing me onboard (which she has been dragging her feet about). Maybe it’s me…I am the crazy, bipolar one. I considered it for about two minutes and no…it is so not me. Weekend Phone Friend says the Weirdoes Welcome sign on my forehead is more visible than ever and wants to know how all of what I’m talking about came about.  And as I was telling him, I realized I have the words to express most of what transpired since last I wrote. Strap in and bear with me…this post is part narrative and part digging deep. Not sure how that’s going to come across.

So it started two weeks ago when I went to Yang about the background check the staffing agency had run on me. They told me it was going to be a standard check but they ran a full background check. They say they got the idea from Yang but this is the same agency that says Yang is going to offer me a lowball salary when they are paying me $15/hour to do the work of three people (staff assistant, accounts payable and HR). So not putting too much stock in what they say. I did not want to talk about the background check, especially to a potential employer; it is simply too painful and hurtful a chapter in my life. Pretty much I am an open book and everybody knows everything about me. There are no secrets. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets and I am working on improving my emotional health all the time. No secrets, except the skeletons in my closet. And there aren’t that many skeletons left since I have learned to open the door, let them out and have a dance party once in awhile, But, some remain…tucked away neatly in the darkest, furthest corner of the closet with some old coats thrown over them….out of sight, out of mind and if we never see each other, we don’t exist. Talking to Yang about the criminal history meant rooting around in the dark, dusty corners of the closet.

I must say, Yang took it very well: while she did say it was a lot to process (I told you all how convoluted and ridiculous the background report was in my last post), she said it had no influence on her decision to hire me provided three caveats could be met. None of the crimes were violent, I had not been arrested or incarcerated since then and the crimes were committed solely to fund a now defunct habit. She said it raised her personal opinion of me and when I started crying, she was the one getting me tissues and water. And here is where the parallel between Yang and my exes begins: when I reveal the more seedy details of who I was, what I have done…I fully expect rejection. It’s one thing to be a recovering addict with 13 years of recovery, quite another for folks to know who the addict was and what they did. So when I went in to talk to Yang, I was fully prepared for her offer to be rescinded and frankly, to be sent home. But she didn’t. In fact, she told me I had to do the bank deposit and order office supplies with the company credit card.

Things were good for about 3 days and then it happened; I thought it only happened in my personal life but apparently, once you reveal your crazy and your flaws it gives others permission to reveal theirs. Remember Him and his porn fetish, Prince Charming and his control issues and AFO with his dildo obsession? All revealed after I spilled/revealed about some of my crazy. Well, it seems Yang is bipolar for real. On top of that, she is also not a fan of accountability (I am taking the blame for a lot of stuff, some of which I wasn’t even in the office for), irresponsible and extremely passive-aggressive in the most twisted of ways. In the past 10 days she has blamed George for her mistakes twice, has talked about Lexie in the third person to the rest of the office while standing in the girl’s face and Arizona’s five months of hard work securing contracts with various vendors for upcoming conventions went down the drain when Yang left work a half hour before having to sign the contracts. And she did not respond to emails or answer her phone. She is up at midnight sending emails and has 4 different email lists for the committees and board members and no one (not even her) knows which one is the proper list to use.

She has called me up at 7:30am accusing me of withholding nomination materials from various committees and board members, accused me of sending out correspondence with glaring omissions and typos (she was the last one to touch the documents) and piled work and assignments on my desk at such alarming rates I have been staying late (like 8pm) every night and going in on days off to stay on top of stuff.  I dvr all my shows and binge watch on weekends; I am too tired to talk on the phone with my friends. I have a deadline everyday (given to me at 10am), I am having to create documents with nothing to go on but what she thinks she wants (her mind changes every 4 minutes), I am scrambling for materials to produce the Board Book and the Board Packet by the 16th and getting no cooperation from anyone. Oh, did I mention NONE of us in the office are allowed to ask each other for help…it takes away from our staff time….whatever that is. So yeah, I am working hard to stay on a schedule to meet the deadlines, which is unappreciated because she says the quality of my work product is reflecting poorly on Seattle Grace. I told her that her accusations, her doubting my work integrity and that statement right there are excellent reasons for us to re-think me coming onboard. Sorry, but can’t have scary and stressful holding my livelihood in their hands and not trying to get hired just to get fired.

Yang looked me in my eyes and told me it was “no big deal” and to “stop taking things so personally”. Which is another move my exes all made: I address the real concerns and get dismissed; it’s all in my head or my perception of the situation is wrong. THEN, she took away my New Orleans!!! Again, an ex move….you promise me things and then take them away; and much like it always makes me feel, I felt ostracized and rejected. Of course I am now seeing the benefits of having Yang in Louisiana while I am in DC, but still…why am I the one not going? Yang says to not take it personally…I will be here running the office. That’s a huge responsibility. Yeah, whatever.

And this may the biggest breakthrough of them all: I am making excuses for Yang just like I did for my exes. I say she’s stressed, she has a lot on her plate but this woman has been doing this job for 9 years and still has no idea what’s next. She thwarts anyone’s plans to be proactive so she can share the fucking stress. I say she is a really great person when she isn’t bipolar….but I have to be able to handle a person (especially a boss) regardless of their mood and I can see me exploding really soon. So why stay? I have had enough experience with this in other realms of my life and with myself to know how this will end. Like I said, she is Prince Charming (and Him, AFO and Married Man) in a dress. I would not be surprised if all her “private appointments” are secret interviews with her versions of Mexican Girlfriend and the Big Tittied Hooker.

So I have put the temp to perm conversion on hold; she says she needs to get the budget together for the November Board Meeting and it will all come together after that but I don’t want it. I can’t deal with it…only still there because my work ethic won’t let me leave her in the middle of this chaos but it is only 3 more weeks. I am still job searching and have an interview Wednesday for a permanent position with a nonprofit that helps the homeless. The salary is low but thinking it won’t be the stressful juggling act I have going on now and at this point, it is $15K more than what I am currently making. Of course, Yang has no idea….no sense in giving her ammunition. Plenty of time to tell her if I get an offer…depending on the day of the week, she will either top the offer or tell me to get the hell out.

Still not sure if it is me or them when it comes to the crazy I attract in my life but I am incredibly grateful I can now see it when it strikes. Apparently, while these folks who come into my life and I allow so much control over me wear the best masks in the beginning, it does not take long for them to fall off and no longer am I waiting for them to put them back on. Not waiting around for the other shoe to drop or for someone to recognize what I do and how well I can do it. I KNOW what I am capable of and what I need to do an effective job; Yang thwarts me from all sides, every time. I do not need to be doubted or told I am a poor reflection of the company and no, an email saying I have been “very helpful” since I arrived is not going to cut it. Sad part is, had she given me her crazy in small doses, I would probably still be singing her praises much like I did with Prince Charming….I only stopped singing when he proved himself to be a liar and a coward. (and on a good day, I will still softly sing them to myself)

And there you have it….my past two weeks. It’s workplace crazy on a whole new level. Now I am going to get a shower and head to bed because I am going in tomorrow (a holiday in which the office is closed!) to box up a back office, create three documents from scratch, answer emails, prepare a spreadsheet, facilitate 8 conference calls, mark up the quarterly staff report that is due Wednesday and finalize check requests. I hope everyone has a great week and I will be back soon with new posts and updates.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…..enjoy your day!

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