The Devil You Know

 

Going to start this post by telling you all about the highlight of my week… a “date” with the One Eyed Therapist. I know no one has ever heard of this dude and that is because he is fresh to the scene; he answered my ad a couple of years ago (I am seriously wondering if men ever delete women’s contact info and questioning just how long these ads have been in existence) but we never connected until now. He is really a therapist and yes, he really has one eye. He covers the empty socket with his glasses so it is disconcerting to look at him with his glasses off but I am the chick with a missing front tooth…who am I to say anything? The man had good conversation, treated me nicely and respectfully, and he made me feel amazing! By far, in my top 3 list of most unselfish lovers.  Seriously. He may have me scheduling regular sessions and that is saying a lot.

Onto to the post…we are all familiar with the expression: “Better the devil you than the devil you don’t. “ It is pretty much self-explanatory: sometimes it is just easier/wiser to deal with someone or something familiar, although you may not like him/her/it than to deal with someone/ something you don’t. The unfamiliar could be better, it could be worse but no sense in taking that chance. Well, this week gave me the chance to explore both sides of this debate and I am feeling pretty okay with both decisions.

First up, going with the devil I don’t know. Secret Agent Man…remember last post I said I wondered if he was even worth keeping around in even the financial capacity. He isn’t because he does not understand where I am coming from or maybe it is me who doesn’t know where he is coming from, or maybe we both know where the other is coming from, but I am choosing not to go there again.  In any case, he is needy and all talk, no action. The man has been texting all week, saying he wants to see me. I told him my schedule was open and free…name a day. He didn’t. Instead, he wants to tell me how “backed up” he is…and I honestly thought the man meant his workload or that he was constipated. S.A.M. says he is “sexually constipated”…I tell him he needs to masturbate. THAT is when he gets butt hurt saying I don’t want to help him.

Okay, not quite sure what I am supposed to do here: I told him he could come see me but he chose to not say or do anything about that, which has me sure that the man is not trying to follow through on the financial end. See, I have been here before….men tend to think that an out of the bedroom activity means the sex is free and on demand. It doesn’t (and especially an outing where we went dutch), much like me giving myself freely to men didn’t mean I was in an exclusive relationship that was actually going somewhere. Back to the story:  I remind him he has failed to follow through on coming over, which is when he says this stupid shit: he refuses to come over again until I tell him I want his wonderful sex. Going to let that sit here for a minute…

When I stop laughing, I tell him that is never going to happen until he gives me some wonderful sex to rave about; sticking a pole in a hole is not wonderful sex. That is S.A.M. getting off and me being the hostess with the mostest. I don’t have time for ego stroking or dealing with inadequacy issues and then factor in he pushed a Friday evening meeting into a Saturday evening no call, no show…he is the devil I know all too well and I broke it off on all fronts. I know where this road leads. Best to give efforts and time to another devil when/if he comes along.  S.A.M. has no idea how he let me down but claims he is a man who owns his actions. How can you own what you refuse to acknowledge?  He is neither “date” nor date material on any level…at least for me he isn’t.

And now for the devil I do know and am going to stick with: Yang. Last time we talked, I gave examples of her crazy and revealed that I had gotten a soft (verbal) offer from another company for a perm position. Well, since then I still do not have the offer letter from the company but Yang had me so pissed off I decided to go on faith; I was going to leave Yang and take my chances with the a devil I did not know. And I was going to be the asshole temp….if you work in an office environment, you more than likely have a story about the temp who left at lunch and never came back. That was going to be me and I took 2 days off to make sure I was okay with being that person. I was. My plan was to go in on Thursday to tie up as many loose ends as possible, pack up my crap at the end of the day, leave her keys along with a letter (a la The Breakfast Club explaining why people leave her)  and enjoy a week long break between jobs.  Yeah, it did not happen that way but isn’t that the way it always goes?

I go in the office and was surprised that Lexie, Arizona and George were all concerned about me and asking if I was okay…I was out for two days! After reassuring I was fine and not going to die, I began checking emails and Yang is telling all kinds of folks that I am going to be the point person for this, that and the third. She is telling the accountant that I will be her liaison and all questions should be directed to me. She was making plans for me far into 2016 and I had to tell her my plans…don’t mind leaving her in a lurch but in a lurch and left holding a bag/looking like a fool? No Bueno. At least if she knew she needed to make plans with another, she could bring someone in and I could somewhat train them. I go to her office, shut the door and tell her I need to talk to her; she is all: sit down, sit down but I stayed by the door with my hands behind my back ready to duck in case she broke out with the nunchucks.

After hearing that my last day would be the following Friday, she wasted no time. Yes, if I left she would be okay but she wanted to be more than okay. While she appreciated me seeing her though convention plans, what about after convention? Unless I was desperate to leave her, let’s talk salary, benefits and pros of staying. She is the devil I know; I am already established and have built relationships and rapport in and out of the office; her benefits are definitely better; she is prepared to offer $5K more than the current offer AND credit my temping hours towards the 401K 1,000 hour fulfillment; a bonus for being with her 3 months and another upon signing; and she would make me a non-exempt employee, leaving me open for overtime and making it harder to fire me should it ever come to that. She knows she can be difficult and frustrating but so is everyone…I should be used to hers by now.

Knowing this is not the time to hold back or sugar coat, I told her she had talked perm 6 weeks ago and did nothing. She countered with I told her to hold off (I did) and when the temp agency fell off on communications with her, she thought I had told them the same thing. I tell her I am not looking to get hired just to get fired. She says that is why I am the non-exempt employee and there would be no probationary period. She also said a thick skin would be needed…so far, I had one. Don’t lose it. I told her I would consider everything. She says she is so glad I will be here after convention.

So while she is checking my references (she called one of the Judges I worked for 5 years ago and the Island for sure…not sure who else), I am talking with Lexie (she wants me to stay but Yang has ruined lives and  to do what’s best for me) and finding out Arizona Robbins is a nice person but not a good person (she tried to throw me under the bus with Yang). I am talking to my neighbor who has insight and dealings with the other organization. I am talking to my Panel and the decision is unanimous: stay with the devil you know. It’s simply going to be easier and from a professional standpoint, being the EA to the Executive Director of a national bar association sounds better than being an admin at a local non-profit. It won’t be the job where I am praised for my work but my ideas and suggestions are and would be valued; there will be days I will quit 10 times in my head but I think we all do that with our jobs. Been waiting a long time to settle down and be a perm part of an organization…Yang wants to make that happen. Hell, if I can give folks like Craziest Bitch In America and Him and Prince Charming and the countless other crazy idiots I know across all spectrums second chances, I can give Yang some chances too. At least she is willing to make it worth my while.  And now…we wait.

Looking forward to seeing what next week brings as it should be interesting to see how we all handle the stress and snafus that come with crunch time and last minute deadlines. Now I have to go get ready for brunch and movies with Downstairs Neighbor and a possible date with the Old Jewish Man. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

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Secret Agent Man

It has been quite a week over here in my corner of the world and not quite sure what to make of it all. There was a great ad-related date; I know I said I was done with the ads and honestly, did not repost them. When I went to remove them, I saw I had maybe a week left for them to run and after reading some of the forums only a chick like me reads (all associated with the site where the ads are placed), I figured that I was buried beneath a ton of Asian spam and would never be found, so left it all alone.

And I am glad I did…anyone remember the guy from Alabama who last year invited me over to his hotel and had rose petals on the bedspread and champagne in flutes? Well, he answered my ad…again. And he remembered me! Said he lost my contact info and was hoping I was still online….and we had a great time! He brought me souvenirs from Chicago while on layover, was extremely generous and we spent our time talking, touching, watching football and having indoor naked picnic. Best.date.ever! He will be spending more time in DC and wants us to be a regular thing…we’ll see but I can say that time spent with him was just what I needed at that moment. There was another date but going to get to that dude in a minute.

On the work front, Yang is still bipolar as hell (and it is exhausting) but until something else (prayerfully better) comes along, I am stuck with her. Doing my part to be patient, understanding and proactive when it comes to her but anything sets her off. She got PISSED and hurt when I was taking orders for the family style, Chinese buffet Welcome Lunch for the new employee; she wanted to know why I didn’t just order a variety of meals and keep it at that. I said I wanted everyone to have a say in what they would be eating and then she says I did not include her in the email. Well….no, I did not because Yang was the one who coordinated the lunch! I was waiting for her to tell me what she wanted but she didn’t see that. She saw herself being used as a wallet and no say in anything. So she took her credit card back and ordered her own food…even after I told her I ordered her favorites when I did not hear back from her. She did not care about that…so we ended up with like 6 extra noodle dishes that folks ate off of for the rest of the week. But on Boss’ Day, she was so excited and pleased to get a card from us….I decided to get her a card and rather than have it come from just me, got the rest of the gang to sign off on it. It’s a fine line with her, all the time.

I interviewed for a perm job similar to the one I am doing now…low pay for a perm job but way more than what I am making now and it is a starting salary. Yes, I would love a salary that would reflect the value and efforts I bring to any position, but as long as I like/love my job, I can live with less. Seriously, all I want in a salary is to be comfortable paying my bills, affording a car and a couple of vacations a year. And to be able to go shopping when the mood hits. The interview went well and I was supposed to get an offer letter by the end of the week, but didn’t. Before getting upset, just waiting to see what this week brings. I did beef up my resume and applied to a couple more jobs; all I can do is put forth the efforts. A part of me wonders if/when Yang will make good on her promise of making me permanent because I am putting forth so much effort and doing far more than I should,  but then I remember her promise of NOLA (which ain’t happening) and I don’t feel badly about making me, my happiness and my sanity a priority.

Okay, back to the other date I had this week: it was with a guy who I am going to call Secret Agent Man and he is a walking contradiction. As far as I am concerned, there are flags everywhere. Everywhere. Although I wonder if a little bit of it isn’t me…after all, not the best judge of men so if he is rubbing me the wrong way, maybe he’s the right one? Lord knows we see what happens when they rub me the right way. And a sista is still crushing on Prince Charming. Let’s just call a spade a spade: despite the reality of the situation (the man is 2,000 miles away and married) and the truth (I can never trust him again and really want nothing to do with him….I just want Prince Charming to realize what he had in me), the potential of what could be still has me stuck in some ways. So, when it comes to Secret Agent Man, I wonder if I am making mountains out of molehills because I am still (in some ways) hung up on someone else. Probably not, but trying to be fair to all involved.

We met via the ads and the first thing that struck me was how tall he was. I am finding I like height in a man; remember I am 6’4” so finding a man in my height range who is genuinely interested isn’t as easy as it is for the ladies 5”8” and under. The second thing I noticed was how plain and average he looked. He is a cross between Doc Brown from the Back to the Future trilogy and the TV character Frasier Crane. He is bald except for some hair around the sides and few strands he works into a combover.  He is incredibly nearsighted…even with glasses on, he has to put everything like 2 inches from his eyes to see/read it. And he wore a suit…says he wears a suit every day, even weekends. (back to that in a minute) The time with him was pretty uneventful for me but he was in heaven! He raved about my skills, my body, my everythings….but he then he raised the first flag: he asked me to rate him as a lover. First, how can I rate you when you did absolutely NOTHING to me?? And when I say nothing…..I mean the man did not even touch me. Second, that question reeks of inadequacy issues and I have had enough of those from Him to last two lifetimes. THEN, he asked if we could see and get to know each other outside the bedroom? He wanted to take me on a date: dinner and a movie, which I agreed to.

He asked me to choose the venue and the movie which I kind of liked (I know what I am eating and seeing) but in a way, I didn’t. While it is nice to have someone who wants to make plans with you, it is a little nicer to either have the plans made or to make them together. Asking me to take over makes me think the man is submissive and I am not a fan of a submissive man. He shows up 5 minutes early (and I was 15 minutes late) and he was wearing….jeans. And tennis shoes. No suit or tie anywhere. I didn’t say anything but it’s a little fact that I have filed away. At the restaurant, he revealed he has self-imposed dietary restrictions: no sugar, no carbs, (beer and sangria don’t count), no cheese, no butter….which is when planning together would have been a good idea because my restaurant choice was Carolina Kitchen. Soul food is nothing but sugar, carbs, cheese and butter! But he did eat (we shared from each other’s plates) and he eats with his fingers. No comment.

On the ride to the movie theater to see Black Mass (he had read the book and was excited to see the adaptation), I asked where he worked…I already know his occupation. He says that it is classified; after all, he had done 20 years “on the inside” for the government and it was a matter of national security. Okay…you can’t tell me where you work but he basically gives me the address of the place and he tells me the details of his job there. But he can’t tell me the name of the agency. Maybe it is me, but folks working classified jobs that are a matter of national security are NOT searching pay to play ads on a lower end website. Another flag and when I couple the sense of false importance with the potential inadequacy, I am wondering do I even want to keep him around as a source of income. He asked me where he should park but kept rejecting my suggestions so I stopped responding when he asked. Another source of contention with me. Don’t ask me to tell you what to do and then not do it. But once inside, he held my popcorn for me, complimented me on my perfume and did not talk at all during the movie. And the ride home was uneventful…we chatted about the movie and the rude couple who came super late to the theater and asked folks to move down so they could sit together.

The next day, Secret Agent Man texted me….he had a great time, he wanted to spend more time with me but how to balance time spent together with time in the bedroom?  Call him with my answer. Well, I had to call in reinforcements because while not looking to traditionally date or looking for a relationship, free dinners and a +1 to movies and comedy shows (who drives!!) is always a bonus  (especially in the winter) so I was on the phone with Morning Person, Chef and Artsy Craftsy. We all came to the same conclusion: the going out and the bedroom would have to remain separate. For now…yes. Forever…who knows? But no more mixing business with pleasure. So I call up Secret Agent Man, but no answer. I call again in 20 minutes…again, no answer. He finally calls me back at 8pm (7 hours later); I couldn’t help but point out he was the one who said if I ever wanted to get in touch with him immediately, to call his phone. If he did not answer, he would return the call in less than 15 minutes. He comes up with he got distracted….again, a flag and a file away. But he agreed to keep things separate because my comfort was his #1 priority; however, since that conversation all I have heard from him is a good morning text. That’s it.

And there is my week….empty promises on the professional end, Secret Agent Man trying to give me a song and dance routine I have participated in far too many time before and a naked indoor picnic. Sounds about right for my life. Going to end this post because I need to get ready for work, eat dinner and hopefully watch some television.  I will be back soon (I know my life is boring but until my next ex-boyfriend comes along, it is what it is) with new posts and updates. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Walks Like a Duck

It has been a long two weeks; wanted to write before but couldn’t find the words to properly express what was going on. It’s like déjà vu except it’s in the wrong context which makes it seem askew. In a nutshell, Yang is bipolar as hell and is basically The Mormon Prince Charming (minus the sexual undercurrents) in a dress, sitting in an office. My observations led to interesting discussions with Weekend Phone Friend and Buddy; Buddy suggests that maybe I am the bipolar one: all of my exes and nearly all of my bosses have turned out to have layers of crazy that were not apparent in the beginning. Just two weeks ago, Yang was sooo amazing and we were on our way to being work BFFs; now I am telling her to hold off on bringing me onboard (which she has been dragging her feet about). Maybe it’s me…I am the crazy, bipolar one. I considered it for about two minutes and no…it is so not me. Weekend Phone Friend says the Weirdoes Welcome sign on my forehead is more visible than ever and wants to know how all of what I’m talking about came about.  And as I was telling him, I realized I have the words to express most of what transpired since last I wrote. Strap in and bear with me…this post is part narrative and part digging deep. Not sure how that’s going to come across.

So it started two weeks ago when I went to Yang about the background check the staffing agency had run on me. They told me it was going to be a standard check but they ran a full background check. They say they got the idea from Yang but this is the same agency that says Yang is going to offer me a lowball salary when they are paying me $15/hour to do the work of three people (staff assistant, accounts payable and HR). So not putting too much stock in what they say. I did not want to talk about the background check, especially to a potential employer; it is simply too painful and hurtful a chapter in my life. Pretty much I am an open book and everybody knows everything about me. There are no secrets. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets and I am working on improving my emotional health all the time. No secrets, except the skeletons in my closet. And there aren’t that many skeletons left since I have learned to open the door, let them out and have a dance party once in awhile, But, some remain…tucked away neatly in the darkest, furthest corner of the closet with some old coats thrown over them….out of sight, out of mind and if we never see each other, we don’t exist. Talking to Yang about the criminal history meant rooting around in the dark, dusty corners of the closet.

I must say, Yang took it very well: while she did say it was a lot to process (I told you all how convoluted and ridiculous the background report was in my last post), she said it had no influence on her decision to hire me provided three caveats could be met. None of the crimes were violent, I had not been arrested or incarcerated since then and the crimes were committed solely to fund a now defunct habit. She said it raised her personal opinion of me and when I started crying, she was the one getting me tissues and water. And here is where the parallel between Yang and my exes begins: when I reveal the more seedy details of who I was, what I have done…I fully expect rejection. It’s one thing to be a recovering addict with 13 years of recovery, quite another for folks to know who the addict was and what they did. So when I went in to talk to Yang, I was fully prepared for her offer to be rescinded and frankly, to be sent home. But she didn’t. In fact, she told me I had to do the bank deposit and order office supplies with the company credit card.

Things were good for about 3 days and then it happened; I thought it only happened in my personal life but apparently, once you reveal your crazy and your flaws it gives others permission to reveal theirs. Remember Him and his porn fetish, Prince Charming and his control issues and AFO with his dildo obsession? All revealed after I spilled/revealed about some of my crazy. Well, it seems Yang is bipolar for real. On top of that, she is also not a fan of accountability (I am taking the blame for a lot of stuff, some of which I wasn’t even in the office for), irresponsible and extremely passive-aggressive in the most twisted of ways. In the past 10 days she has blamed George for her mistakes twice, has talked about Lexie in the third person to the rest of the office while standing in the girl’s face and Arizona’s five months of hard work securing contracts with various vendors for upcoming conventions went down the drain when Yang left work a half hour before having to sign the contracts. And she did not respond to emails or answer her phone. She is up at midnight sending emails and has 4 different email lists for the committees and board members and no one (not even her) knows which one is the proper list to use.

She has called me up at 7:30am accusing me of withholding nomination materials from various committees and board members, accused me of sending out correspondence with glaring omissions and typos (she was the last one to touch the documents) and piled work and assignments on my desk at such alarming rates I have been staying late (like 8pm) every night and going in on days off to stay on top of stuff.  I dvr all my shows and binge watch on weekends; I am too tired to talk on the phone with my friends. I have a deadline everyday (given to me at 10am), I am having to create documents with nothing to go on but what she thinks she wants (her mind changes every 4 minutes), I am scrambling for materials to produce the Board Book and the Board Packet by the 16th and getting no cooperation from anyone. Oh, did I mention NONE of us in the office are allowed to ask each other for help…it takes away from our staff time….whatever that is. So yeah, I am working hard to stay on a schedule to meet the deadlines, which is unappreciated because she says the quality of my work product is reflecting poorly on Seattle Grace. I told her that her accusations, her doubting my work integrity and that statement right there are excellent reasons for us to re-think me coming onboard. Sorry, but can’t have scary and stressful holding my livelihood in their hands and not trying to get hired just to get fired.

Yang looked me in my eyes and told me it was “no big deal” and to “stop taking things so personally”. Which is another move my exes all made: I address the real concerns and get dismissed; it’s all in my head or my perception of the situation is wrong. THEN, she took away my New Orleans!!! Again, an ex move….you promise me things and then take them away; and much like it always makes me feel, I felt ostracized and rejected. Of course I am now seeing the benefits of having Yang in Louisiana while I am in DC, but still…why am I the one not going? Yang says to not take it personally…I will be here running the office. That’s a huge responsibility. Yeah, whatever.

And this may the biggest breakthrough of them all: I am making excuses for Yang just like I did for my exes. I say she’s stressed, she has a lot on her plate but this woman has been doing this job for 9 years and still has no idea what’s next. She thwarts anyone’s plans to be proactive so she can share the fucking stress. I say she is a really great person when she isn’t bipolar….but I have to be able to handle a person (especially a boss) regardless of their mood and I can see me exploding really soon. So why stay? I have had enough experience with this in other realms of my life and with myself to know how this will end. Like I said, she is Prince Charming (and Him, AFO and Married Man) in a dress. I would not be surprised if all her “private appointments” are secret interviews with her versions of Mexican Girlfriend and the Big Tittied Hooker.

So I have put the temp to perm conversion on hold; she says she needs to get the budget together for the November Board Meeting and it will all come together after that but I don’t want it. I can’t deal with it…only still there because my work ethic won’t let me leave her in the middle of this chaos but it is only 3 more weeks. I am still job searching and have an interview Wednesday for a permanent position with a nonprofit that helps the homeless. The salary is low but thinking it won’t be the stressful juggling act I have going on now and at this point, it is $15K more than what I am currently making. Of course, Yang has no idea….no sense in giving her ammunition. Plenty of time to tell her if I get an offer…depending on the day of the week, she will either top the offer or tell me to get the hell out.

Still not sure if it is me or them when it comes to the crazy I attract in my life but I am incredibly grateful I can now see it when it strikes. Apparently, while these folks who come into my life and I allow so much control over me wear the best masks in the beginning, it does not take long for them to fall off and no longer am I waiting for them to put them back on. Not waiting around for the other shoe to drop or for someone to recognize what I do and how well I can do it. I KNOW what I am capable of and what I need to do an effective job; Yang thwarts me from all sides, every time. I do not need to be doubted or told I am a poor reflection of the company and no, an email saying I have been “very helpful” since I arrived is not going to cut it. Sad part is, had she given me her crazy in small doses, I would probably still be singing her praises much like I did with Prince Charming….I only stopped singing when he proved himself to be a liar and a coward. (and on a good day, I will still softly sing them to myself)

And there you have it….my past two weeks. It’s workplace crazy on a whole new level. Now I am going to get a shower and head to bed because I am going in tomorrow (a holiday in which the office is closed!) to box up a back office, create three documents from scratch, answer emails, prepare a spreadsheet, facilitate 8 conference calls, mark up the quarterly staff report that is due Wednesday and finalize check requests. I hope everyone has a great week and I will be back soon with new posts and updates.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…..enjoy your day!