This is going to be one of those truthful posts that I really, really don’t want to write. I have had an emotional relapse this week, and same as with a drug/alcohol related relapse it is has left me filled with a lot of shame and a lot of anger. At myself, not anyone else. Not being a bigger person or filled with some saintly forgiveness…I knew what I was dealing with and I still chose to go there. Literally taking a deep breath and just diving in.
Going to start with a quote I recently posted to my Facebook wall: “Sometimes the truth has to punch you twice.” Seems more than fitting because that is just what happened. Before I get into the whole relapse thing, I have to tell you I went FB stalking on Prince Charming…not sure why I still do it but Artsy Craftsy put it best (at least, the most tactfully): I care but no longer love and I want to see what life is like without me. I prefer to call it Karma Watch. Whatever the reasons, I snooped and found out my Mormon ex is publicly following an ex-porn star on Facebook. Scratch that, a porn LEGEND. Which I found funny, sad and to use Buggy’s word…disrespectful all at the same time. Apparently, his “dark side” (I prefer to call it his true nature) is rearing its head in Married Mormonville and while I don’t know how his wife, children, ex-wife, parents and church community friends feel, I feel a little sucker punched.
Prince Charming is the one I miss at 3am when I can’t sleep, he is the one I still feel a connection to, he is the one I do still love (important to note I am not still in love with him). Prince Charming is still the one I hold out some hope for. And to know that the man I once wrapped my hopes and dreams up in is this guy: still the passive-aggressive liar, coward and trying to somehow make his demons socially acceptable in a community that bans Starbucks and Saturday Night Live is disconcerting. To find out he is the man with Mexican Girlfriend (after a little more than a year married) that he ended up being with me does not make me happy…it makes me sad. It forces me to see the lie he was and see him for the man he is. Some days I do, some days I don’t and some days I don’t want to. Guess I saw this on an off day. Funny thing, I was the only one surprised by it…UTA wasn’t, Artsy Craftsy wasn’t. Honeybee, Buggy, Chef, Morning Person….no one was surprised. At all. Damned shame when your friends know your lover better than you do. Promise to self: next time, don’t love so hard.
So onto to my relapse….it involves Nebraska of all people. The one night stand that went on 4 nights too long and left us both with a bad taste in our mouths. (Quick aside….I am procrastinating on writing this out because I feel so ashamed and stupid. I am just now sitting back down to this post after a half hour “break”) I have told you all about how over the 8 years since we last saw each other, he would email and inbox me on Facebook trying to make lightning strike twice. But I was too wrapped up in other men and just not that into Nebraska to be bothered. Then he came across my ads online……he responded (somehow even with none of my face showing, he knew it was me) and asked if we ever got back together, would I charge him, given our history. I ignored him because seriously, WHO answers an escort ad asking if the escort is going to charge them? Actually, for 7 years I did a very good job of ignoring Nebraska and shutting him out. No idea what happened this year.
Earlier this year, Nebraska sent me a friend request via Facebook…why I accepted it, I will never know. It is something about that guy that brings out my inner people pleaser regardless of how deeply I bury her. And he told me he was coming to town in September…and for about 3 months, he inboxed, messaged and had actual conversations with me. A bit stilted at times because I refused to discuss sex/sexual acts but we managed. I found out he was reading the blog which felt like a violation for some reason. But all I knew was I did NOT want to see him…I didn’t. I don’t do the free sex thing and I no longer even found the man attractive. So not sure what or why I agreed to meet for dinner. In his hotel room.
The day we were supposed to meet, I cancelled pleading work. Same with the next day. Going to say Nebraska knew what I was doing because Wednesday, he told me he was picking up dinner at 6:15 and should be back to his room by 6:30 with it. So now I felt trapped…and here is where anyone with any sense should be asking: why didn’t you just tell the man NO from the beginning? Well, I did but this time around, he shut me down and I did not stand up for myself. In fact, I was thinking maybe having free, NSA sex would be okay. After all, I was not in like or love, he lives in Nebraska for crying out loud and it would be a test of my self-everythings. You know…trying something different with someone I knew. Besides, I used to be able to do it! Yet, at 6:15 I was sitting in Farragut Park feeling like shit because not only did it feel as if I were betraying myself…I was betraying myself. Sent an emergency text to Artsy Craftsy but she responded too late….when her text came through, I was en route to the suburbs.
Nebraska was taller than I remembered, had lost some weight (not a lot but enough) and his hair was completely gray and buzzed cut. Last I saw him, it was full, thick and dark brown. Dinner was bbq from a local place which was better than the Chiplote I was imagining. It was cold and dry though and I ate alone….he stepped into the bathroom to call home. When he came out he was naked and the first (and only thing) I noticed was how TINY his penis was and how PINK it was. Yes, he was fully erect.
He attempted to massage me (complete failure) and there were a couple of kisses. Then sex which I could not feel. I could not even fake a moan. And neither of us looked at each other….he stared into the kitchen and I closed my eyes. It was over in 4 minutes. (The entire time spent was 34 minutes)Afterwards he was rushing me to dress and once I was on the other side of the door trying to say goodbye, he heard someone walking down the hall (elderly Indian gentleman) and he shut.the.door. IN MY FACE! And that is when I knew….there is no NSA with me. There will always be strings, be they financial or emotional. Call me broken, emotionally stunted, a hooker….whatever. I know what works for me. And shit like what went down with Nebraska is NOT IT. OMG….I am not surprised…the man is a serial cheater who uses women like Kleenex and like most men, put forth only the efforts necessary to achieve his end. No, the OMG is for me for being so dumb as to go against myself and what I know I need and want in a sexual encounter. I don’t do charity work and I don’t do being used and treated like shit. (relationships don’t count) Maybe I still have validation issues but it is all about knowing your worth and my worth has a price tag. Period
Needless to say, have not heard from him again and today, Artsy Craftsy called to jump on the Proactive Train and tell me to defriend Nebraska…..ASAP. Her exact words, repeated 100 times were: “Do it now! Do it now! Do it now!” Except, Nebraska had already defriended me!!! Again, not a surprise but still….salt in the wound. I thought about inboxing him, but for what? He sees nothing wrong with his actions (NSA, remember?) and if I want to send emails that will be ignored, I have an ex I still have feelings for to do that with. The only thing that made this entire thing bearable is that Thursday and Friday the ads had some sort of last hurrah with three viable dates responding and I was treated in the manner in which I have become accustomed: worshipped and paid nicely for the privilege. WITH thank you notes afterwards.
So there is my confession and the lessons learned here are to remain true to yourself, whatever yourself is and the past really and truly has nothing new to offer. Nothing. I’m done beating up on myself and looking forward to short work week (The Pope is coming and will be 3 blocks from my apartment) and focusing on new goals. I will be back soon with new posts and updates, hopefully not about recent stupid stuff I’ve done. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!