Back to the Future

Before I dive into today’s post, I want to thank my friends and readers (real world and Facebook) who reached out to me after my last post to express their sympathy and frustration at Nebraska’s behavior towards me. The outpouring  was totally unexpected and incredibly appreciated; the man is an asshole. That isn’t going to change. He has proven it more than once and he is NOT the guy you want around in any capacity, especially when one is emotionally unhealthy and your self-everythings are still in a precarious state. You know how they say some people bring out the worst in you? Nebraska is that person for me….lesson learned, let’s move forward.

So today’s title is a little two-fold and it deals with a story and an issue. The current assignment with Seattle Grace is the issue; rather the conversion process from temp to perm. More specifically, the agency that found me the assignment. Yang and I are great…our relationship is growing at a pace and in a direction I never saw coming. She is going to be my work friend in that office and I think I opened that door when I told her she could ask me anything, just be prepared for an honest answer. She agreed to reciprocate, we have gone from there and it’s been working out well. So the issue is not Yang.

One thing she asked for was a background check (par for the course)…nothing special, just a standard background check which would confirm that I did indeed pass a federal background investigation check which gave me my public trust clearance. She told this to the agency and the first thing the recruiter asked was could I pass a background check. It raised a flag but I dismissed it…after all, in 13 years of recovery and 12 years of work history, the background check has never presented itself to be a problem. Until now. That asshat of a recruiter ran a FULL background check and it is so ridiculous, I can barely find words to describe my disgust. It is 36 pages long, 38 criminal charges, 2 dates of birth and 4 people including me and my sister! The weirdest part is the majority of these charges could not have been applied to me as I was incarcerated 1996-1998. The report is a jumbled, erroneous MESS and THIS is what the recruiter is going to present to Yang. She swears she isn’t but I know she is…she isn’t going to run another report and this is her way to give me a heads up that she’s doing her best to fuck up my first time in a  long time permanent job. That or she is incompetent as fuck.

I went over to see the recruiter to find out how THIS came back during a standard background check and she is all: I don’t know!! The New York office ran it! Bullshit. The NYC office ran what you told them to run. I pointed out that the waiver I signed specifically states that the reporting agency cannot report negative information that is over 7 years old;  told her that this a background check for at least 4 people, what happened to MY report? She is swearing that she has no idea and what do we do? I told her to ask New York to run the STANDARD background check; I would handle the rest. So I am going to Yang with this joke of a report and for the first time since forever, I am going to explain my criminal past to an employer. Since I have entered recovery, my past has never had a direct influence over any aspect of my future…until now. Here’s the thing: I am not afraid to tell Yang; not afraid to answer her questions. It appears she is going to hear about it, may as well be from me. Haven’t felt this trust and willingess to be open with an employer since the Island; what I am afraid of is coming across as more trouble that I’m worth with the conversion process. Oh well….whatever happens, happens: either Yang will throw in the towel and turn me loose or she’ll dismiss the report as irrelevant, appreciate my honesty and we go forward. I’m good either way.

Now on to the story: I had a date…an honest to goodness, no money exchanged hands, out in public date. A meet and greet type where we went dutch. With a guy I met off Craigslist: he was a full foot shorter than me and had an uncanny resemblance to Michael J. Fox. I told him so and also told him I would be calling him Marty McFly, MJF’s character in the Back to the Future trilogy.  He liked that. Our meeting came about thusly: one day in an attempt to process the creepiest request EVER from my ads (dude wanted me to be his dead mother), I decided to read some CL ads to pass time and try to restore some semblance of sanity to my brain; you know how creeped out I was when I am looking to CL for sanity. McFly was looking for a girlfriend. One that he could start out as friends with; his suggestion was a casual evening doing dinner and movie, live music, a museum…something that involved getting out and about and holding a conversation. I’m all for that and I appreciated he said he was divorced, shorter and average all the way around. Nothing worse than a man who misrepresents about looks, height and status when all involved know you will soon find out what they really look like.

We agreed to late dinner and movie and to meet at Hard Rock Café which was half a block from the movie theater. He was dressed better than I expected in a dress shirt, slacks and tennis shoes (which was very Michael J. Fox-ish) and was both introverted and submissive. He requested I order meals for both of us and I had to prompt/remind him to eat. Preliminary discussions led me to believe he would be a pretentious, obnoxious bore but he really wasn’t. He was funny with lots of stories; the two that stand out are that McFly is a Freemason but has no idea how to access/attend the secret meetings. He jokingly said that his membership dues make their way to the Freemason membership committee but his meeting invites get lost in the mail. The other story was about how he was bullied by a homeless person into giving them not only a meal but money too and then was ridiculed by said homeless person because McFly could not spell “encyclopedia” correctly. I then told Marty that if he wanted to feed and pay people to bully and ridicule him, women posted on certain websites for that very thing and he would probably walk away far more satisfied.

I would like to say right here that I made a conscious effort to tone myself down…I realize I am a larger than life personality and can be a bit assertive without even trying, so I kept my stories and jokes low key (versus off color) and being a full 12 inches taller than McFly, did not want him to be nervous or intimidated….and I had already ordered his food, made him clean his plate and told him he needed a dominatrix. Me, toned down…no wonder I’m single.  Decided to let him be the man for awhile and lead us out the restaurant, except he led us to the back wall of the gift shop instead so I took the lead back. Thinking he was happy to give it up. On the way to the theater, we fed the homeless…rather, we gave a homeless guy with one leg in a wheelchair our leftovers from dinner. The man was super friendly and Marty and I ended up having a conversation with him. Weirdest thing: the homeless man said he sensed one of us was from Ohio and that is where McFly is from. McFly said he felt really good about feeding the man…I told him it feels good to do good.

The movie was amazing: laugh out loud funny (I actually shouted Oh My God at one point) mixed in with things only the emotionally unhealthy would understand and that made one think.  We saw Sleeping With Other People which bills itself as a romantic comedy with commitment issues. I need more of this movie in my life. After the movie, McFly and I hugged, said good night and parted ways. Doubtful we see each other again and I am more than okay with that. We met, kept our clothes on and had a fun evening. I had no expectations of meeting The One and if he did have expectations of sex, he kept them very well hidden. This is what dating should be…meeting folks, sharing an evening and if the feelings are there and mutual, do it again; if not, wish each other well and go forward with your life. Not cheapskates who molest you in the theater (I think I told the story about the Indian who balked at paying $7 + tip on a meal I grouponed and then proceeded to try and hand rape me in the movie theater) or guys who think a 15 minute coffee date qualifies for a game of naked twister.

So going to wrap this up for now because I have a big day ahead tomorrow beginning with the talk with Yang; if it goes well, I have a week of overtime and deadlines to look forward to. If it doesn’t go the way I think it will, I have a week of catching up on TV shows and sleeping in to look forward to. Fingers crossed it’s the former. I will return soon with new posts and Seattle Grace updates. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…..enjoy your day!

 

Relapse

This is going to be one of those truthful posts that I really, really don’t want to write. I have had an emotional relapse this week, and same as with a drug/alcohol related relapse it is has left me filled with a lot of shame and a lot of anger. At myself, not anyone else. Not being a bigger person or filled with some saintly forgiveness…I knew what I was dealing with and I still chose to go there. Literally taking a deep breath and just diving in.

Going to start with a quote I recently posted to my Facebook wall: “Sometimes the truth has to punch you twice.” Seems more than fitting because that is just what happened. Before I get into the whole relapse thing, I have to tell you I went FB stalking on Prince Charming…not sure why I still do it but Artsy Craftsy put it best (at least, the most tactfully): I care but no longer love and I want to see what life is like without me. I prefer to call it Karma Watch. Whatever the reasons, I snooped and found out my Mormon ex is publicly following an ex-porn star on Facebook. Scratch that, a porn LEGEND. Which I found funny, sad and to use Buggy’s word…disrespectful all at the same time. Apparently, his “dark side” (I prefer to call it his true nature) is rearing its head in Married Mormonville and while I don’t know how his wife, children, ex-wife, parents and church community friends feel, I feel a little sucker punched.

Prince Charming is the one I miss at 3am when I can’t sleep, he is the one I still feel a connection to, he is the one I do still love (important to note I am not still in love with him). Prince Charming is still the one I hold out some hope for.  And to know that the man I once wrapped my hopes and dreams up in is this guy: still the passive-aggressive liar, coward and trying to somehow make his demons socially acceptable in a community that bans Starbucks and Saturday Night Live  is disconcerting.  To find out he is the man with Mexican Girlfriend (after a little more than a year married) that he ended up being with me does not make me happy…it makes me sad. It forces me to see the lie he was and see him for the man he is. Some days I do, some days I don’t and some days I don’t want to.  Guess I saw this on an off day. Funny thing, I was the only one surprised by it…UTA wasn’t, Artsy Craftsy wasn’t. Honeybee, Buggy, Chef, Morning Person….no one was surprised. At all. Damned shame when your friends know your lover better than you do. Promise to self: next time, don’t love so hard.

So onto to my relapse….it involves Nebraska of all people. The one night stand that went on 4 nights too long and left us both with a bad taste in our mouths. (Quick aside….I am procrastinating on writing this out because I feel so ashamed and stupid. I am just now sitting back down to this post after a half hour “break”) I have told you all about how over the 8 years since we last saw each other, he would email and inbox me on Facebook trying to make lightning strike twice. But I was too wrapped up in other men and just not that into Nebraska to be bothered. Then he came across my ads online……he responded (somehow even with none of my face showing, he knew it was me) and asked if we ever got back together, would I charge him, given our history. I ignored him because seriously, WHO answers an escort ad asking if the escort is going to charge them? Actually, for 7 years I did a very good job of ignoring Nebraska and shutting him out. No idea what happened this year.

Earlier this year, Nebraska sent me a friend request via Facebook…why I accepted it, I will never know. It is something about that guy that brings out my inner people pleaser regardless of how deeply I bury her. And he told me he was coming to town in September…and for about 3 months, he inboxed, messaged and had actual conversations with me. A bit stilted at times because I refused to discuss sex/sexual acts but we managed. I found out he was reading the blog which felt like a violation for some reason.  But all I knew was I did NOT want to see him…I didn’t. I don’t do the free sex thing and I no longer even found the man attractive. So not sure what or why I agreed to meet for dinner. In his hotel room.

The day we were supposed to meet, I cancelled pleading work. Same with the next day. Going to say Nebraska knew what I was doing because Wednesday, he told me he was picking up dinner at 6:15 and should be back to his room by 6:30 with it. So now I felt trapped…and here is where anyone with any sense should be asking: why didn’t you just tell the man NO from the beginning? Well, I did but this time around, he shut me down and I did not stand up for myself. In fact, I was thinking maybe having free, NSA sex would be okay. After all, I was not in like or love, he lives in Nebraska for crying out loud and it would be a test of my self-everythings. You know…trying something different with someone I knew.  Besides, I used to be able to do it! Yet, at 6:15 I was sitting in Farragut Park feeling like shit because not only did it feel as if I were betraying myself…I was betraying myself. Sent an emergency text to Artsy Craftsy but she responded too late….when her text came through, I was en route to the suburbs.

Nebraska was taller than I remembered, had lost some weight (not a lot but enough) and his hair was completely gray and buzzed cut. Last I saw him, it was full, thick and dark brown.  Dinner was bbq from a local place which was better than the Chiplote I was imagining. It was cold and dry though and I ate alone….he stepped into the bathroom to call home. When he came out he was naked and the first (and only thing) I noticed was how TINY his penis was and how PINK it was. Yes, he was fully erect.

He attempted to massage me (complete failure) and there were a couple of kisses. Then sex which I could not feel. I could not even fake a moan. And neither of us looked at each other….he stared into the kitchen and I closed my eyes. It was over in 4 minutes. (The entire time spent was 34 minutes)Afterwards he was rushing me to dress and once I was on the other side of the door trying to say goodbye, he heard someone walking down the hall (elderly Indian gentleman) and he shut.the.door. IN MY FACE! And that is when I knew….there is no NSA with me. There will always be strings, be they financial or emotional. Call me broken, emotionally stunted, a hooker….whatever. I know what works for me. And shit like what went down with Nebraska is NOT IT. OMG….I am not surprised…the man is a serial cheater who uses women like Kleenex and like most men, put forth only the efforts necessary to achieve his end. No, the OMG is for me for being so dumb as to go against myself and what I know I need and want in a sexual encounter. I don’t do charity work and I don’t do being used and treated like shit. (relationships don’t count) Maybe I still have validation issues but it is all about knowing your worth and my worth has a price tag. Period

Needless to say, have not heard from him again and today, Artsy Craftsy called to jump on the Proactive Train and tell me to defriend Nebraska…..ASAP. Her exact words, repeated 100 times were: “Do it now! Do it now! Do it now!” Except, Nebraska had already defriended me!!! Again, not a surprise but still….salt in the wound. I thought about inboxing him, but for what? He sees nothing wrong with his actions (NSA, remember?) and if I want to send emails that will be ignored, I have an ex I still have feelings for to do that with. The only thing that made this entire thing bearable is that Thursday and Friday the ads had some sort of last hurrah with three viable dates responding and I was treated in the manner in which I have become accustomed: worshipped and paid nicely for the privilege. WITH thank you notes afterwards.

So there is my confession and the lessons learned here are to remain true to yourself, whatever yourself is and the past really and truly has nothing new to offer. Nothing. I’m done beating up on myself and looking forward to short work week (The Pope is coming and will be 3 blocks from my apartment) and focusing on new goals.  I will be back soon with new posts and updates, hopefully not about recent stupid stuff I’ve done. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

Confirmation

 I don’t care what the calendar says, it is officially fall in my house. Big Brother is winding down (season finale in less than 2 weeks), NFL football is all over my television and my favorite fall shows have premieres in the next 2 weeks. I am so ready for fall to get here….first, it is my favorite season and secondly, I am going through changes all over the place and these past two weeks or have shown me confirmations of things I already knew or suspected. Ready to move forward on a new path and what better time to forge forward than while ushering in a new season? While life may be boring over here (it can’t all be big tittied hookers, cheating Mormons and WTF assignments), going to give a quick rundown on all that has been happening.

The Job: First thing, Yang fired Meredith!! And apparently it was a shock to only Meredith and myself….everyone else just walked around like it was a typical day at the office. I have no idea what happened (when Yang told me, I blurted out “what happened??” and promptly retracted it, saying it was an inappropriate question) but from what I can gather, it was a long time coming and Meredith will be fine. Well, if you know me, you also know my paranoia got all hyped up but it seems to be in vain: I am getting additional responsibilities, having one on one meetings with Yang about what I can do to make her job easier, she is proceeding with plans to make me permanent and I got invited to the Annual Convention being held in New Orleans this year!! I keep saying I need to stop being such a sourpuss and having doubts in myself and other folks but it’s hard when on the job front, it has been a rocky, rocky road for a very, very  long time.  The folks I choose to believe and give incredible efforts to, the ones who hold a piece of my future in their hands tend to drop those balls every time. And drop them hard.  But I am going to let go, let God and enjoy what I have for however long I have it. If Yang turns out to be some undercover Dragon Lady, so be it. If Yang lets me go, so be it. For now, Yang is knocking all my doubts out of the park. Besides, I know how to survive the worst case scenarios….time to enjoy the best case ones too.

Family: Lovebugs, you know I have been wrestling with whether or not to move to NC to live with my parents. It would be a win-win in that they would get much needed help around the house and I could save my money. But there were things like partial nudity and indoor smoking that were necessities to me and non-negotiables for them. And this most recent trip home confirmed it: there is NO WAY I could live on a full time basis with my parents right now. Scratch that…live with my mama on a full time basis. The woman is critical, a picky eater, nitpicky all around, and has no idea what she wants from the grocery store. I honestly felt as if I were 15 years old again and it is frustrating. She is not as independent as she once was and she knows it…she just doesn’t want to face it. I understand that but she can’t drive me crazy in the process.

Tiny Human was a huge part of the trip and he is so amazing…I sang to him and elicited one of his two faces: cutiepie adorable baby. His other is resting bitch face. Seriously. My nephew gets this look on his face like he’s Straight Outta Compton and keeps it moving. But I saw the not so amazing sides of having a baby: changing his diaper. First thing, I think babies know things and as soon as I tried to remove the wet/dirty diaper, he started kicking his legs manically, as if there were a 1,000 invisible soccer balls in the air. His legs were moving so fast, I couldn’t hold them or him still for fear I would either break a bone or get poop everywhere. I was eventually removed from diaper duty because as soon as you lifted him up, the new diaper I put on just slid right off it was so loose. Another thing is when Tiny Human gets hungry….the boy is on a schedule and he sticks to it! It is as if he goes from full to empty with no warning and he screams like a banshee straight from hell. I thought he was in pain for a minute until he got hold of a bottle. All the more reason that the best baby is someone else’s baby.

My Self-Everythings: I have had a suspicion for awhile now that they were coming back. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see or feel fat, ugly and old. I see an attractive woman getting her act together and holding her own. Instead of preparing to kiss ass to get my rent paid, I am trying to budget and juggle to once again pay my own way in the world. (I still may need one more check though) But I knew for sure I was back to almost 100% levels when I got my haircut. I went for a short, natural style which I never like. My mother loves it on me (one reason not to get it) but I always thought I looked like a big, sloppy lesbian with that style. But I love it! It doesn’t detract from my femininity and it is so easy to maintain. No one at work noticed but that is because all I wear are wigs. They never knew what my hair looked like underneath but check this out: the day after I debuted my haircut, Yang got her hair cut too! She was probably already planning to do so, but like to think I influenced her.

The Ads: I am going to stop posting them. I know I say this all the time but I really am. They aren’t helpful anymore. The responders are getting more and more ridiculous (when I get a response) and the two regulars I have already know how to contact me. And the regulars may have to go also. The Old Jewish man from NYC is coming to town less and less frequently and when he does come, he is always too tired to meet after a day of meetings. The BG&E guy I used to be able to count on but lately he has been flaking, no-showing and the last time he reached out, our schedules meshed but he had no money…wanted to know if he could catch me with the payment “next time.” I did not even acknowledge that text message. I did have a newbie about a week ago and I thought it was going to be a Prince Charming scenario: tall, stocky white guy, single dad, living in non-metro accessible Maryland who found my ad “intelligent and nurturing”. Except he when he got here, he was really average looking and I had to do ALL the work. (He was like Prince Charming in that regard) Pleasantries were barely exchanged and I could not find any potential to possibly follow up on. For everything (including sin), there is a season….time for a change of season in this regard and I am more than happy to see it go.

Personal Relationships: Earlier this week in the middle of the most mundane of office tasks (opening the mail), I found myself wanting to talk to my boyfriend…except I don’t have one. Briefly thought about reaching out Prince Charming (I have his work email address) but did not do that. For what? We aren’t lovers, we are no longer friends…our lives are vastly different now. I am a single girl healing from wounds he inflicted and his world is all in Spanish now. (How in the hell he married a woman who doesn’t even speak the language is beyond me still) I don’t speak that language. So no, the personal relationships I am getting confirmation about are friendships.

I have been waffling back and forth about certain friendships for awhile now. When I started this blog and assembled my Panel, I had maybe 14 folks onboard. Over the years, it has dwindled down….I got over the Him fiasco and folks started living their lives. Not saying that there is no more friendship but it is more like “keep in touch” friends…emails here and there to catch up with each other’s lives. I have “emergency contact” friends where we email when the news is incredibly good, incredibly bad, or so WTF you just cannot tell anyone else. And then I have my core friendships where we speak every day, multiple times a day. The folks who know what I don’t put in the blog….and I’m wondering whether it is worth it with a some of them.

I know friendship means accepting folks where they are and who they are but I don’t feel I need to dumb myself down to accept folks. I don’t feel I need my intelligence played with to accept folks. I should not be the only person giving, giving, and giving in a friendship. I should not be the one who gets tossed aside or thrown under the bus for a 5 minute relationship. And for God’s sake, don’t make me that friend who has to fix the fucked up things that if you had only talked to and listened to me the first time would not be fucked up. Remember in the ads paragraph I said I was more than happy to see that season come to an end? That is how I feel about these “friendships” because it keeps me in people pleaser mode. I have to sit up here and listen to bullshit and play dumb and act like you aren’t jerking my chain because…what? I may find a new boyfriend and I want you around to help me with advice while I date him? (We all know, when I have a boyfriend all my friends do too) For you to possibly come over my house (after inviting yourself) where I will more than likely have to treat to everything food and drink related? Or is it for you to ask my opinion on things where you don’t tell the whole story and then ignore my advice you just asked for? Life is too short for a lot of things and one sided, go nowhere friendships is one of them.  It hurts (these folks and I have been through a LOT) but if it’s only me being the friend while they attempt to mindfuck me, is it even a friendship? I can do without that.

So there you have it…what’s been going on with me and my life. Going to end this post now so I can get a shower and find some cough syrup…have had a cold for a week (Greyhound was germy) and the coughing just won’t go anywhere. Have a full week of work ahead (Monday is going to be a beast!!) but hope to have new posts and possible updates soon. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!