The Joys of Masturdating


If you know me, if you read this blog you know I do not have the best luck with men. Be it online or in the real world, I meet the strange, weird and ridiculous. I’m used to it and have to come to expect and look for the crazy in men who pursue me. But sometimes, even I get thrown for a loop. A man answered my ad last week and obviously, he cannot read because he was shocked financial assistance was involved; he was further shocked by the amount (which is beyond reasonable given the comps research I have done). So instead of telling me I was out of his budget and asking if I would work with him, the man calls me old and homely without even having seen a picture. THEN tells me what he can afford and asks when he can see me. He is still sending emails with “?????” in the body, waiting for me to respond. Thinking I should have taken his dollars but it is all about teaching people how to treat you and with that, I don’t holler for every dollar.

I am okay with not dating and more than okay with the arrangements falling off. Most of the first half of my life has been spent in pursuit of something, anything to make me happy, make me fit in, make me forget the pain and to validate me. Sometimes it was drugs and alcohol, sometimes it’s shopping but usually, a man is involved. And I am done with that. For real. I appear to inspire mixed feelings in men. They never seem to want it to be just sex (and I am more than okay with just sex…either we meet via the arrangement ads so what else am I expecting or I really, really like them and I am okay with mixing friendship with intimacy as long as honesty, trust and respect are prevalent before, during and after) after having sex with me.  Noooo, they want to get to know me, tell me their secrets and ply me with compliments, attention and jealousy on a constant basis. It’s a relationship until I point it out to them….then they don’t want anything at all to do with me.  I don’t have time for the person I become when I fall for a guy (they are elevated to heights of utter perfection and I am so lowly and unworthy) and the drama, hurt and sheer WTFness that comes with the inevitable breakup are things I do NOT need.

Here are some examples of what I am talking about: Him. Prince Charming. And on the recent dating front:  there was the guy who offered to treat to dinner. I specifically asked did he mean dinner or happy hour. He said: dinner and yes, he knows the difference. Yet when we meet at the restaurant, he is handing me the happy hour appetizer menu. There is the guy who answered my arrangement ad thinking I am looking for a wine and conversation partner. At 8pm on a work night. When I specifically state I do not drink alcohol. The guy who claimed he had time and availability and wanted to meet for a real date (dinner and movie) but when I accepted, he suddenly became a super busy Executive Director Free Mason who had meetings and conferences scheduled through 2016.  Who has time for this for the wish-washiness and stupidity? I don’t.

I already know a lot of you clicked the link thinking I had misspelled masturbation and were hoping for some juicy, soft porn version of the blog today. Maybe me sharing some tips and tricks to spice up the art of self-love. Not so. Today going to talk about masturdating which is simply the art of going out/doing things alone and being comfortable with that. No hidden agendas and while being open to possibilities is a key component to both masturdating and being single, possibilities should not be the expectation.  Masturdation is an important part of being single and does wonders for those who are looking to be happily single. It is, as with most things, easier said than done and it is hardest immediately post-breakup (and by immediately, I mean anywhere from 1 day to 6 months) and when a person is just freaking tired of being freaking single. But it works if you take the time to invest in solitude, learning lessons and doing some soul searching.

First thing to know about masturdating is you cannot just jump into it. My suggestion is to wait until you have grown comfortable with yourself. If you are fresh into a heartbreak or breakup, not a good time. You have to heal, disconnect yourself from the person who was such a huge part of your world for however long. If you are one of those folks just tired of being single, you are not ready for masturdating as every outing will become some sort of “hunt” for a significant other. The end game with masturdating is happily single, not to land a boyfriend/girlfriend. So if you are one of those folks who thinks time is running out and/or you need someone in your life to complete you…you can stop reading now and just start dating. This is about building self-esteem, knowing your worth and being okay with no longer settling. This is about knowing when to get up from the table when love, respect and honesty are no longer being served and it starts with being satisfied, content and comfortable with yourself in all aspects of your life and choices.

Comparison is probably the biggest culprit when it comes to fostering/harboring insecurity and misery. If you are constantly judging your life and looks against others, you will never be happy. Never. Masturdating eliminates comparisons from your life. Over the weekend I attended a function hosted by my high school graduating class and had I not learned lessons, made peace with myself and discovered the joys of masturdating, it would have been a complete disaster. 31 years have passed since I walked across the high school stage and in that time, folks had gotten good government jobs, married, had children, moved into nicely updated PG County homes, bought cars….on the surface, they have the perfect, Hallmark lives I once dreamed of. Me? I am living in a studio apartment that has a Brady Bunch kitchen, no bedrooms and I sleep on a futon. My job(s) is on a weekly basis and there are times I can barely pay rent. But none of that matters…I am happy with my life. I am here, I am content and I don’t feel the need to think I am a failure because I made different life choices. The hands I have been dealt by life, I play the hell out of them. I don’t feel as if I will never find reciprocal love because I haven’t found it yet and they have. I have loved and been loved…just not on a long term basis and with the wrong people. Minor details.  I don’t need to compare my income, my home, my love life or my figure to anyone else’s because I’m happy with me. The only thing I need to compare me or anything of mine to is what I/it used to be.

Masturdating is not easy. It’s biggest enemy and quite possibly its downfall is loneliness. What one needs to know is loneliness will come no matter how much you have moved on, gotten over or grown. My advice: do NOT go out at all. Not even with your good girlfriends. They aren’t the cure for the loneliness you are feeling. Just stay indoors and do what helps you get through: exercising, eating comfort foods, staying in bed under the covers…whatever.  The best advice (and really the only advice) I have for loneliness is that it is a feeling…..and feelings pass. Another foe is sometimes you just want another person across the table from you, or sitting next to you in the theater or someone to walk around the museum with. Someone you (hopefully) find attractive, can flirt with and receive positive attention from. It’s normal. Yes, it comes with a level of expectation but companionship is necessary at times. I have caved into the feeling more than once (posting ads on CL for dinner and movie partners) and all I can say is every.time I end up wondering what the hell was I thinking. Not sure if I have standards, my exes have made me kind of jaded or I’ve been alone too long.

I don’t mind being alone and masturdating isn’t just being okay with being alone. Masturdating is being alone without being lonely. It is about learning to live a full and fulfilling life BY YOURSELF. It is self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence coming together; it is self-love, self-like and self-respect being all the validation you need. It’s realizing that life is just as good with a partner as it is without one. It’s understanding yourself. It’s knowing that there is no expiration date on happiness or love and that a relationship is no guarantee of both. It’s about staying single by choice until someone comes along to complement your life, not complicate or complete it. But, it’s also hard work…it has taken me damn near 30 years to heal and make peace with my pain and demons; 4 relationships to realize that if I am broken and they are broken and we just try to fix each other instead of ourselves…it’s just a huge mess. It has taken me this long to know that if efforts fall off or are not being returned…time to go. That when words are vague and/or are in need of interpretation…time to go. Masturdating is helping me to realize what I really want from my happily ever after and what I offer to someone else’s. It isn’t for everyone but for me, my happiness and my peace of mind…it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I will be back soon with good news and new posts (sorry that posts have been introspective and kinda boring but that is what happens when there is no drama or chaos). As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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