Cold Feet


Hangout Buddy texted me the other day saying we need to hang out; I have not heard from the man since we had our pseudo date night back in May. Needless to say I was surprised. He wants to do brunch on Sunday and says he is having women issues and needs to vent and wants opinions and advice. While I am a little miffed he is only using me as a part time therapist, I use him too for all expenses paid nights out. We are going to the Mansion on O Street for a brunch buffet followed by a scavenger/treasure hunt and tour of the house which should be fun. Wondering if I can get him to toss in another foot rub.

So I told you guys in the last blog post that a recruiter with a local agency had called with an actual job. Not sure if I told you I was taking it but I did. It was not exactly what I was looking for (open ended assignments can be really good as they can go for long periods of time and even become permanent or they can be very bad and end in 3 days) and low pay but the commute is reasonable ($3.50 round trip), the work is both familiar and challenging and I am engaged enough so I do not get bored but left to my own devices 95% of the time. In my first three days, I was invited to a happy hour with the office, treated to and participated in a group luncheon, signed a farewell card, used Track Changes for the first time in my life and have transcribed a ton of emails.

As we all know, I have worked approximately 3 weeks in the past 9 months; my job search has been frustrating and somewhat fruitless. I did not apply for this job….it happened to land on the right desk and then in my lap. But now that I am working (3 days and counting), some of my previous submissions are starting to surface. The afternoon before I was supposed to start, Department of Transportation called for a face to face to interview the next day. I would have gone except they could not meet early in the morning (8:30am) and there was no way I could ask for nor justify being late or a day off. Then on Day 3, a recruiter called to say I had been shortlisted for Lockheed Martin and have a phone interview scheduled for Monday afternoon.

I am going through with the phone interview simply because I still feel I need to keep options open even though the LM assignment is not one I really wanted; the commute would be horrible, long and expensive. Pay is not that great given the duties and commute and it is a yearlong contract, which means I would always be on the lookout for the next assignment and trying to prove myself everyday hoping for an extension. With the current assignment, even though it has no end date, I feel like I can breathe easy for a minute. I feel like I can slow down and actually enjoy and learn from the experience. Not sure why I feel this way but when I arrive at work, I don’t feel timed or watched or stressed or that I constantly need to prove myself worthy of the job. Everyone is pretty independent so when I take a break, no one is rolling their eyes because they have to cover for me. There are errands to be ran that I don’t mind doing. I am neither overwhelmed nor underwhelmed with work. For the first time in a long time, I can relax and I am thinking this feeling is even better than being understood.

The job is definitely growing on me and I would be more than okay with this one going permanent. With all the other assignments, including The One with The Team, there was something that just made it not the perfect fit for me be it lack of challenges, commute or coworkers. This job is different: decent, low cost commute; the pay will be better if I go perm; great perks and benefits (fully funded healthcare, 401K, vacation time and an all-expense paid trip to the annual convention) and the hours were made for me: 9:30am—6pm! But, I still have NC looming ahead and not sure I am all gung ho about it anymore. I am still trying to figure out when my dream of relocating to Raleigh to be close to family and escape the rat-race that DC has become turned into moving back home with mom and dad. I kinda know the answer: lack of viable employment in both DC and Raleigh, events and incidents outside of my control along with a sense of duty/obligation and here we are. Looking at moving to the Most Boring City in America.

First, it’s going to be culture shock….The City Where Boredom Vacations is not rural living by any means but it cannot be defined as urban living either. The public transportation system sucks so a car is a necessity there; preferably a reliable one. IF I could afford a car, it would have to come from Craigslist and we all know my luck with Craigslist.  They do have movie theaters, comedy clubs, decent dining and a couple of dive bars so I would be okay. AND there is Tiny Human…who wouldn’t want to be close to him? But I like meeting people and eventually will want to date…basically the male population consists of frat boys, married men and widowers older than my father. But that’s fluff…I am sure I could and would adapt and it’s me. I will find someone.

Going even further with the Reasons to Go to NC list is that I am interviewing (kinda sorta) with a major employer there; they like my skills set, I apparently aced their assessments and the HR rep and I have hit it off. Some positions are coming open that I would be perfect for and they are coming up quick. Start dates for them are October 23rd, positions are permanent but pay is low. By anyone’s standards but the cost of living where I am going is also low and factor in my outgoing bills will be drastically reduced and I can make it work. Their perks and benefits are amazing: employer pays majority of healthcare; 10% employer match of every dollar deposited in 401K; double pay on holidays (varying schedules associated with the job); FREE premium/premier cable package/high speed internet/home phone for your HOUSEHOLD (up to 5 televisions) and after 6 months, employees can telework. Forever. Which works out on so many levels but most importantly, what is the point of moving in to take care of parents when you will be at a job 10 hours a day?

The NC job sounds great but….here are the buts.  I am not moving to a new city by myself; I am going to be living with my parents so we can help each other out. We all know I need to work on replenishing my savings along with purchasing a car; they are older, not as much energy (stairs ain’t what they used to be) and need help with cooking, housework and laundry. And with the free (!!) cable, we all get to save money. And here is what you need to know: my parents are stubborn, prideful, have control issues and my father at least has no idea what personal space is. My mother gets pissed if I go out after work and come home at 10pm. Mind you, I am a year shy of 50 and living on my own in DC…matters not to this chick. Where was I? I should be home. Mom also thinks I can’t do anything on my own. She swears I can’t drive (forget I have a legally issued, valid license) because she says I have not been behind the wheel in forever. She thinks I cannot dress myself in a fashionable, flattering way. She hates my lipstick shades. She hates my wigs. Do you see where I am going with this? The criticism alone would drive me bonkers. And the dinners I sometimes cook at 9pm? Not going to happen in NC…they have a schedule and a routine. No one is breaking that. Sleeping in may happen sometimes. But walking around all day in nothing but a pair of underpants while catching up on my favorite shows is over. Smoking indoors is over. Overnight company? They have never heard of that.

Moving on and next chapters for me have always been emotional and mental, never physical and a part of me is asking if I move away, how will Prince Charming find me should he want to return? I know, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever: not saying we don’t/didn’t mean anything to each other but we no longer have anything together. The man has moved on in all ways and is building, living and enjoying his new chapter in life. I have moved on a lot (in my own way) and have no desire to relive the past with any of my exes. Not saying I won’t be heartbroken or go through dumb drama and bullshit again but it won’t be with the same person. I do not want the man back and that is the truth; based on what I have seen of him and how/what he is as a Mormon, I am thinking the man is either in need of intelligent, adult conversation or he married Mexican Girlfriend just to get next to her daughters. In either case, the man is juvenile, immature and childish…in addition to all the other negative traits he has shown me.

So yeah, using the most recent ex and my unresolved, where-do-I-put-them-until-they-fade-away feelings as a copout because I have been dealing with too much change lately that is mostly out of my control. Not in the mood for anymore change. Not in the mood for compromise. Not in the mood to start over while having to look out for/take care of older parents. I don’t want to be tied down. I want family time, normalcy (my version of it), stability and consistency. I want my freedoms along with some of the familiar in a strange environment. Not sure if I can get that in NC. It’s one thing to go down for a visit…you can put up with stuff if you know there is a definite time period to do so; this is going to be a long term arrangement bundled with culture shock and lifestyle changes. I feel selfish for wanting to put me first and keep my life/lifestyle. I feel like a bad daughter for making partial nudity and indoor smoking a priority. Honoring your parents is one of the 10 commandments…I don’t want to go to hell.

As usual, I am overthinking everything. Right now, my job is in DC, not NC. Right now, my parents seem to be both living and faring very well without me being there to take care of things. I am back trying to control things that I cannot and not enjoying the present moment. So now that I have put everything out there, going to leave it there. Things will sort themselves out and however the pieces land, I will be okay with it. For now, going to clean up a little, catch up on Suits and get ready for a fun brunch and a full week of work.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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