Square One

There has to be more to life than stupid cowardly men, bad sex, chronic unemployment and financial struggles although I think I have pretty much nailed it. Some of us can replace the chronic unemployment with something else and swap out the men for women, but pretty much…this is life. I simply hold out hope that there has to be something more. In 4weeks, I go from chronically unemployed to employed back to unemployed. The rent is again 2 months behind, but I was able to rescue the cable/internet/landline bill from cutoff status, the credit card bills are paid (minimum payment only but it saves my floundering credit score) and I have groceries and medications. Finally!!! to both. After all is said and done, I am sitting here with a glorious $100 to my name. Period. With no idea when my next assignment/check/date is coming through the door.

Not going to vent or lament about the situation…we have been before and all the negativity will come soon enough. It’s Square One (again) and I am currently in fight mode. I am applying to jobs all day, every day…I am talking to any and all the recruiters who call me. I have even bit the bullet and applied for the job I really don’t want: low pay, long commute and sucky hours. BUT, it offers longevity, paid training and A+ certification testing and fully funded medical/dental benefits.  (So far, no answer) I am applying in DC and NC, have done my best on phone interviews and even the shortest of short term assignments I am available for. I am doing all I can to the best of my ability…going to have faith and stop worrying. Seriously, worst case scenario is I pack my bags, go home to my mama and smoke cigarettes outside. Thanking the Lord I have living parents to return home to.

The ads…I still place them because even though they really haven’t worked since my time with The Mormon, every once in a while I do come across a nugget of gold. And if ever I thought the Lord was sending me signs to drop the foolishness, I got it the other day. Mastercard, Visa AND American Express have all agreed to no longer process transactions places on the website I utilize citing that the transactions are both illegal and immoral. The website is offering folks to post for free and it is just a matter of time before their servers crash. The amount of ads on there are ridiculous at the moment.

Speaking of the ads, it’s official: I am a whore for real. My last/latest date (the first in a long, long time) totally catfished me and I went through with the session because I needed to put some food in my house. The man said he was 6 feet tall, athletic and quite handsome…what showed up at my door (and I kid you not) was a 400 pound, one legged midget. A real live midget….the man was slightly taller than my kneecap. With one leg (I may have mentioned that). And he wasn’t that handsome. His saving grace (which I think is a cruel joke) is that underneath those 400 pounds of fat, the man is hung like a horse. For real. I am gonna need the Catholics to pray to the saints and light candles, gonna need the Baptists to hold a revival and all other religions and denominations to just pray for my soul.

Went Facebook stalking but not with The Mormon/Prince Charming (thinking of calling him Prince Harming)….nope, I went looking for the Big Tittied Hooker/Big Tittied Gold Digger. That chick is always good for a laugh and for making me feel just a little bit better about myself and my life. She did not disappoint although nothing will top her bathroom selfie while wearing bra and panties and making it her Facebook profile pic. She has posted a picture that states that she is about to be the proud recipient of a Master in Business Administration. The chick who ran a porno website, claims to be an erotic novelist (the book and tour is coming soon!) now has a Master’s degree. Okay. Not saying it isn’t possible but thinking it isn’t probable. It’s her.  But the best part of the picture is: it has her personal email address on it and she has it publicly displayed on Facebook. No words.

Of course it wouldn’t be me or my life if there wasn’t some stupidity, especially from men. But first, some crazy for you: #CrazyNeighbor is back! NOT a happy camper over here. She knocked on my door 3 consecutive days asking if I were hungry and to please share her food with her. Let me break right here to tell you all that the last time I ate that chick’s food, I passed out asleep for 4 hours straight and the last time I let her in my house (after I ignored her knocks, she slid a dollar bill back and forth underneath my door, so of course I HAD to see what was so important), I suffered the food poisoning attack. So no, I am not going into her house, she cannot come in mine and NO WAY am I eating anything she has. So for three days, I am politely declining her offerings. On Day 4, she knocks and asks me not only for food but for cigarettes! What. The. Hell?? But I gave her food (my cupboards were sparse but I try really hard not to deny anyone food or water) which she happily accepted. Since then, she has stayed on her end of the hall and I have stayed on mine. It won’t last.

Now, on to the stupidity…why is it when men return (or try to), it is NEVER the one(s) you want to return? I was inboxing via Facebook with Nipples who was bragging about some fwb he had over. It is almost comical how the man still tries to hurt me or make me jealous…he refuses to believe I truthfully do not give a fuck who he is with or what he is doing. Then in the middle of how great a lover he is (and how I should know….20 years later), he says I told him during our relationship I was on crack but he was not part of my crack habit and why can’t I just admit I loved him? I need to admit that along with him being the one that got away. After all, I am the one that got away for him.  I just stopped talking because that was the stupidest and most random thing I have heard in quite a while…still not talking.

Does anyone here remember The Old Man? If you don’t or have no idea who/what I am talking about, click the link. Trust me, you will not be disappointed! Well, he is back or at least trying to come back after leaving me for the drug addict. By the way, he is still seeing the drug addict but now that she is full blown addiction, he has no one to talk to. The thing with his coming back is that, like most men, he has not changed at all. He is questioning me as to who helped me financially while he was away, trying to set me up with other men (even gave a 28 year old African my email address so he could contact me directly) and generally meddling in my life and beyond the ads. He was amazed at the weight loss Dottie has been helping me with and now all of a sudden, he is telling me what I need to be eating, exercises I should be doing and my inbox has been flooded with diabetes support group links. HOLD UP….I was not just diagnosed with Dottie (and where were you when I was??)….The Old Man may be late to the party but it’s been going on quite awhile. I do not need you telling me what I can/cannot, should/shouldn’t be eating…I can handle this without your help. Been doing it. And have all the support groups I need. He says he is concerned for me financially…my response to him was to either step up your money game or send hiring managers my way instead of potential johns. He says he is concerned with my health….my response is to stop being stupid, nosy and assumptive…that would help LOTS with my blood pressure and migraines. Please and thank you.

The last of the stupidity comes from a Craigslist guy. Apparently way back in 2011 while wrestling with the Him fiasco, I reached out to some guy’s CL ad in an attempt to soothe my hurt and pain and to boost my self-esteem. Yeah, I was delusional and on some type of medication at the time. In any case, I sent a detailed response and got absolutely nothing in return. So I go about my life and at some point, this man’s ad slipped away into nothingness….and last week, guess who finally answers that 4 year old response?? Yep, the CL dude….he says he has been overseas for the past 4 years (he went the day after he posted the ad) and he wants to know if I am still interested. I tell him NO (in no uncertain terms) and wish him luck in his search. And he emailed me for 3 days straight, asking why I wasn’t interested and how much he liked me. Give him a chance!! NO idea what he is drinking and/or smoking but I finally just blocked him. What else could I do? Indulge him in the utter stupidity and futility games he was playing? Oh, his last email to me: “Why do you frustrate me? And just so you know, ignoring people is not nice! “

There is a reason I am back at Square One both personally and professionally….I am about to enter a new phase of my life. I am calling this phase New Shoes and already I see it at work in my life and feel it working through me. I no longer have time for stupidity and drama (you cause it, you allow it…I can’t help you. Got my own), people pleasing (unless that person is me) and I no longer have time for folks who do not belong in my life…and you can tell who doesn’t belong because their presence feels like an intrusion. Hearing from them/seeing them does not make you happy, they offer nothing of positive value to you and your goals and most of all, you realize how happy you were/are without them in your life. When it comes to Prince Charming, I no longer want him, I no longer care to know the reasonings and excuses behind his actions. However, I do still have lingering feelings and I cannot find the words to describe them; while I finish processing them out, I choose to call it love and caring. More than likely it’s indifference but for now, the ghost of the man continues to fill a void, so not ready to admit that just yet. It isn’t hate…hate is so exhausting and implies passion…there is no passion there any longer. In fact, he is pretty much in the Him category: an intrusion. I no longer feel the need to reach out to either one to say anything because…for what? It would be unwanted for both parties.

I am ready to meet and see new people (not necessarily for romantic purposes), I am ready to do new things, I am ready to not be for sale and to not be bought. I am ready for a new environment (been ready since January 1st) but apparently I need to create a new internal before I can change the external. I have to say I am enjoying it. Not the unemployment part or the part where the only jobs showing serious interest are in Utah (of all places) or even the part where all signs are pointing to NC and me having to drop out of the job market for at least 6 months, but it isn’t my plan any longer and may as well enjoy the entire ride and not just the comfortable parts.

Hopefully my posts for the foreseeable future reflect this new phase and you will stick around to see where my New Shoes take me. Since it’s me, it probably will not be boring. Okay, gotta go cook some dinner and get ready for Big Brother (the BEST part of summer!)….will return sooner than later with new posts. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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