De-Friended


New Mommy has had her baby!!! YAY It is a boy and I have NO name for him. For now, he is KBugg’s Brother. New Mommy has a nickname for him but not sure if I can reveal here on the blog just yet. Stay tuned. Since today’s post is a little long, going to jump right in. Going to answer the question if friendship after a breakup is possible. Remember, this is based on me, the men I have been with and my experiences. Your mileage may vary.

I have a very good, special-to-me girlfriend who is going through heartbreak. Not sure what stage of the process she is in (we all process differently) but she is seeking distractions online (where she came across another ex).  Quick backstory: they met on social media and developed a years- long friendship. Mainly online as they were long distance and there were complications. Feelings developed and one or the other would occasionally pull back. Don’t want things to get weird, right? But then, he professed his love, some complications fell away and they met. It was amazing. She was in love and threw herself into the relationship with no reserves. You can’t love half-assed. Things were good and there were two more meetings. Except the last meeting was awkward…hugs instead of kisses and her feeling like an awkward third wheel around his friends instead of his girlfriend. When it was time to return home, she thanked him for spending time with her and he says: “okay.” Then silence punctuated by awkward conversation.

When she first told me what had happened, I asked what she was going to do; she replied they were keeping the friendship. I was jealous….I have zero friendship with any of my exes. I would not even know how to hold a conversation with any of them. I read once that only mature adults are able to keep/maintain friendships after a sexual relationship, so I thought she was amazingly mature and I wasn’t. Then I was skeptical….I just don’t think it is possible to be able to return to platonic friendship after experiencing deep levels of intimacy, being naked and having excellent sex (her, not me) with someone. And now she is taking time and space to process things fully because right now…she just can’t do it because while she wants to keep the friendship, she also wants him to change.his.mind. I feel her on that one.

Which got me to thinking about my past relationships and if friendship was ever there to begin with and if after a decade or so of time had passed, could I embark on friendship with someone I was once in love with and lover to? Because at this point in time, I cannot even hold a conversation with them even if they were speaking to me. A friend is defined as a person with whom you have affection and pleasant interactions with; a person with who you bond with; a patron or supporter of a person, cause or organization. I decided to run a Relationship Highlight Reel, Truth Edition to find out. And if it seem as if I am the perfect girlfriend and the guys are all assholes…that’s because I am and they are.

First Love: No friendship. Not even a relationship. Sex, drugs and lots of violence, that’s it. Except for that Christmas he bought me the Brue Springsteen Ultimate Collection. Other than that, we smoked crack, he pimped me out to support his habit, took over my credit cards and charged up a storm and had organized a gang bang for his brother and coworkers with me as the star attraction. Towards the end, I chased the man down South Capitol Street, butt naked with a butcher’s knife and the last time I saw him, I had a straight razor to his throat.

Nipples: The man Facebooked me saying he had read over our conversation and said I portrayed him as a drunk who beat me and cheated on me while I was the perfect girlfriend who could do no wrong. He was pissed I could not remember anything good about him. (Coming from a man who can only remember the sex between us) I told him I was not getting into this with him. I never said I was perfect (really I am not), but I paid his rent when he was unemployed, I was the one making potato salad for him at 3am because he just had to have it, I was the one who was cleaning, cooking and doing laundry…for him. My thanks? Beer thrown in my face and blow by blow accounts of sexual exploits with other women he gave money to. I don’t blame him for what he did…I allowed it. Just know this: I am not responsible for the memories you left me with. There was never a friendship there and nothing to build upon. Ever.

Married Man: This was a case of sex evolving into a relationship. No friendship.  I have always said that I loved the man but never liked him. I adored him, justified his behaviors and was on call for whatever he wanted, be it sex, a hot meal or a place to lay his head. In return, I got disrespect on levels unheard of and constant reminders that I was not his wife. Oh, and after we finally broke up (for real and for good), he showed me he was incapable of maintaining friendship…who fucks up your federal taxes to the tune of $2700 (when you are unemployed) because you won’t sleep with them?

Him: A case of friendship that led to a relationship. I will always maintain that the man is a better boss than boyfriend. No lie. I was there for him in any way he needed: when he was depressed, I was the one sending jokes and encouragement. I was the one who was finding videos of kinky (and illegal) porn. I was the one buying gifts and liquor and cigars just because. The Hooker he married cannot even remember the man’s birthday. So imagine my surprise when I asked Him to help me with my rent. I did not demand or ask as a girlfriend…I asked the man as a friend and even said I would pay him back. (I think this is where I fail as a girlfriend….I do not want my man’s money, only his time, love and loyalty) Hell, when I was his secretary he paid for my lawyer when my landlord failed to pay taxes, lost the unit and I was being evicted. But Him went OFF….told me he did not sign up for this, he did not have a money tree and good luck with that. Does this sound like a friend?? Does this sound like someone who has affection for me? And he never did help with the rent….when I accused him of not caring about me, he said (with a straight face) that my health and welfare were among his top priorities. So many signs, people….so.many.signs. Lesson learned here: Sex with a stranger is no guarantee of friendship but sex with a friend is pretty much a guarantee of things getting weird and more than likely, falling apart.

AFO: Nothing to be said here. At all. I tried to turn a ho into a housewife with disastrous results. For those who do not know the story, type AFO into the search box here on the webpage and prepare to be boggled at how many posts could be written about absolutely nothing.

Prince Charming: It still stings because I still have love for the man; however, I love me more today. And I am realizing I miss what he offered, not PC per se. This was supposed to be the happily ever after…we started by talking to build the mental connection. How many other people feel if the mental connect is there, the physical falls into place? Not many. Then came the sex, then came the building of a friendship that led to a relationship. For the first time, I was receiving more than I was giving. He gave me attention, compliments and caring. I was over the moon with happiness and no matter what (arguments, sex, bouts of crazy because I was waiting for the FOOLED YOU), Prince Charming was there. He said he would never leave because there was no place he would rather be. I was in love and thought he was too.  More than likely I am romanticizing things because the man was a control freak from hell (he wanted to tell me what to wear, when to eat and ask permission to use the bathroom) who also turned out to be a narcissist, pathological liar, cheater, coward and someone who needs other people to tell his truth for him. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (hey, at least he didn’t disappoint with the FOOLED YOU) and the questions I am left with, I have the answers to them. Reality refuses to fully sink in when it comes to that though. Lesson learned: you can tell a lot about a person by the way they leave you.

Now the question is: who actually wants to be friends with those guys? Men with such high levels of dishonesty, deceit, immaturity and cowardice? Apparently I did. But time and an honest process showed me the bad will always outweigh the good, and the bad is what sticks with you. In my opinion (based on my experiences), there is simply no way a couple can have a friendship after breaking off an intimate relationship. When the benefits come along, the friendship goes. Sure you can be civil and friendly (so different from being friends) but even that takes time. Sex changes EVERYTHING. And even if enough time passed for these men to get over their cowardice and I wiped my brain clear of all the hurt and mistreatment, I could still not be their friend because then I am wondering why I wasn’t enough. And them being men, they want to think I have been waiting in limbo, legs closed and life unexperienced waiting for them to return.

Reading back on what I have written, I feel so sad for me. Not in a pity party way, not in an angry way…in a resigned-to-my-fate kind of way. Because it is evident I have yet to meet a good man, the love I held for the men was in vain (by in vain, I mean wasted) and the love I thought I had in return was a lie. Does anyone else other than me see that I was their friend and rarely were they mine? And because of this, I am no longer trying, no longer putting myself out there and no longer open to what comes. I don’t know what a good man looks like or does and the behaviors and treatments I am used to….the results speak for themselves and frankly, I am tired of it and deserve better. Much better.

I cannot go through this anymore. Not just the hurt and heartbreak; there is so much more to it with me. I cannot go through the what ifs, the waiting and hoping that they will change.their.minds. (told you I understood exactly what my good, special-to-me girlfriend was talking about). They didn’t have to change….just change.their.minds. Tired of wondering what is wrong with me, what could I have done differently, why they just couldn’t be honest. Why, after all the accolades and compliments they gave and extraordinary efforts I put forth, someone else was worthy of the ring and title while I wasn’t worth a goodbye.

Yet another pro argument for having financials in place….with financials, I know exactly where I stand and what role I play. I am a contractor and if/when my services are needed again, I will be called. As a volunteer, one is showing up every day, working hard and hoping for a chance at the job that you know will eventually be filled. And usually, the volunteer isn’t the one who lands the job…it’s an outside applicant. See, it’s a lot to go through and I have been through it too many times. Not angry nor sad about my decision. Really.  It is just easier to refuse the friend request than it is to be defriended.

No idea what my good and special (in a good way) girlfriend will decide to do. Just want her to know I am here, no matter if it is 2am or 2pm. I am rooting for her…if I want anyone to prove that ex-lovers can separate the sex and friendship and remain friends, it’s her. She doesn’t want to lose him and I know what she means…if he goes, it all goes. Even the good parts and especially the friendship.  Stocking up now on chocolates, tissues, latex gloves and weapons (just in case). I can get us alcohol and Chinese food because no matter the outcome of this, it will be a celebration.

Okay, wrapping up the post now. I will return sooner versus later with new posts . Take care of yourselves until we meet again. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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