Gonna start this post off with some updates. My good, special-to-me girlfriend has made a decision regarding the issues touched upon in my previous post. She is choosing happiness and leaving dude where he is. Should he change his mind, she will be more than happy to rekindle the friendship on a strictly platonic level but for now, he just wants to play the game known as Limbo and unfortunately for him, she has realized her name is not Milton Bradley. Kudos to her!
The job search is frustrating and still futile (more on that in the next post)….makes me wonder more than ever if this is my time to actually write a book. For the first time, I have nothing to distract me. No job, no man and no dates. Just me, time, good music and a laptop. And a ton of stories and characters. I really believe if I took one week and exerted the efforts I put towards my job search towards writing, the book would be halfway finished.
Nebraska (who is a Facebook friend…I know, shoot me now. But I blame the People Pleaser personality) has come across my escort ad and is now wondering if I will peg his ass and if I will charge him if I do so. I told him to just stop.talking. I do not come on Facebook to be sexual; I come to Facebook to be me: stalk my exes and their wives, post pictures of food and like everyone’s pictures. You wanna talk other stuff… answer my ad.
And have heard from Pudgy…see the letter below. It came out the blue in an envelope that had my full name and address (surprised he knew, remembered, whatever) and his name as the return address. As I read the letter, I don’t know what I felt. Even though I think he is no prize as a husband (trust me, not that good looking AND a cheater who is coming across as a teenager waiting for mom to lift punishment so he can go back out and do it again), I cannot be angry at him. Hell, with one action and few well-placed words, he has done what none of my exes combined could do: say goodbye (at least for now) and give me an honest reason why. To quote Rachel Green: “That, my friends, is what you call closure.”
Been getting a lot of questions asking if I am okay since the last two posts. Trust me, believe me…I am more than okay with what my personal life was and what it now is. We have all heard the saying: Better to be alone than with the wrong person. The trips down memory lane this time around made me see that. And now I have a greater appreciation for being alone. I see now that I have been doing this relationship thing all wrong. Or perhaps, wrong enough for the not- right- for -me guys to swoop in and take advantage. I (like most women) came out the gate trying to be perfect and impress the men with all of my awesomeness. Along the way, I put myself down (without even realizing it) and elevated the guys to heights untold. And the man never ever had to prove himself to me…I kept thinking I had to prove myself. Guess what…I don’t! Obviously, I had something that caught their eye…they need to show me what about them catches mine.
Seriously, I am the one before a first date (a real, out in public, no-money-exchanges-hands date) showering with Bath and Body Works (the good stuff), conditioning her hair, agonizing over outfits, trying to decide which hair to wear, picking perfumes, lipsticks and asking every neighbor between my apartment and the lobby how do I look. I am the one wondering will he like me, will he think I am attractive enough, will I be able to keep up with conversation? And always, always, always….they are the disappointment. Men who take casual to new heights and never notice my grooming efforts. Men who choose to look at blank walls versus hold a conversation. Hell, Him never changed the sheets between visits. Do you know how long we would go between visits? I choose to believe the man had only one set and that they were at least washed.
I am giving up the people pleasing with men. Hell, I may be giving up men period. I am a single, independent, attractive, confident in herself woman. Not tolerating nor putting up with stupidity and disrespect. Over the past weekend, I posted an ad on CL. I was going to treat myself to dinner (I have groupons) and did not want my only company to be my phone. So I posted looking for a dinner partner. I got all kinds of silly responses but the cake taker was the guy who emailed at 8:15 (I wanted to be at dinner by 8:30) giving me his CL bio (complete with picture) and asking am I from the area. I responded that I was not trying to be rude but he was asking questions that could be answered in person. I asked was he serious about meeting for dinner? He comes back (while I am eating…that is how long it took him to respond) that I was rude for not sending a picture and inconsiderate in my response and he could not handle the drama.
There was the guy who answered the ad and thought that a one-time payment was that was needed. Our second meeting, he showed up with no payment and dug $40 out of his pocket last minute. (Trust me, had I known that was all he had, we never would have met). Afterwards, when he texted, I would remind him of the payment amount. He would say okay, he would text when he was on his way and then…silence. He did this three times. When he texted last week, I told him in no uncertain terms I was not his girlfriend nor his go-to girl when he was in town; nothing had changed in my arrangement with him so please stop wasting my time. He told me I was harsh and he needed to leave me alone. I told him the truth was no harsher than his game playing and time wasting and he had left me alone a long time ago…I just now gave him a reason to tell me that.
Does ANYONE see anything dramatic or harsh in any of that other than what they brought to the table? See, the new me, the one who is starting to see my fault lies in allowing shit to happen and go on far too long, is not feeling badly about those exchanges nor is she wondering what she did wrong. If knowing what I want and sticking to my agenda is harsh drama, so be it. Of course, it gave the guys the perfect out to flake on me, which would have been done regardless. I just saved everyone some time.
I am founding out that men absolutely HATE it when you call them out on their shit. Well, probably not all men but the ones I know do. There is no reason for me to be called dramatic, harsh or a bitch and once upon a time, that would have bothered me. It no longer does. For real, the questions are why would a man I don’t even know want to keep me from dinner? Why would a guy knowingly waste my time and leave me in limbo and why would I want to beg a man who is a liar and went underground and silent when he got found out to come back? Seriously, I went from being the (supposedly) one and only to a side chick and I was begging for that. (I did that twice!) Men don’t give sandwiches to women who will settle for and indeed, even beg for crumbs. And not sure if these men saw me as dumb and desperate or if they knew my reasoning. That I loved them and the thought of us enough to try to hold onto even a semblance of it. That I wanted and even needed them in my life so badly it was okay to change the game mid-stream. I was giving them all the power and they used it against me.
Men know women give them the power: it is in practically every online dating ad. The woman must meet certain requirements and specifications (and women feel less than if they don’t meet them); they aren’t shallow…they have standards. Oh, and let’s not forget, the woman needs to catch their eye and attention by telling WHY the man should pick them. Yet, if a woman has preferences and requirements, we are told we are too high maintenance, too picky and we need to see them for who they are. Oh, and their response to a woman’s thoughtful, well written ad? “Hi.” So to break it down, men want us to commit to vague words and have no standards.
I do wonder if the new me is too rude and cocky versus confident (no one likes a douche) but I don’t think so. I spell out exactly what I want…anyone can tell you, they knew coming in what it was all about and where I wanted things to go. No hidden agendas…whatever guys tossed out there, they did so because they wanted to and then got panicky and stupid because I picked it up. Seriously…it’s like they handed me a wrapped gift saying: “for you” and then got angry and went crazy because I opened it. The woman I am becoming has no time for the men who don’t know what they want or who can’t back up their words with action. I no longer have time for potential or what could be. I am becoming a bad ass. I am starting to KNOW (not see, not realize) that I am amazing, awesome, strong, beautiful, intelligent, and funny and a plethora of all good things. It is not my fault nor my responsibility if a guy never sees it or if he does see it and still chooses to walk away.
It is not really my/women’s fault: every love relationship article out there is telling women what WE can do to make things work. Anyone ever see any articles geared towards men and what they do wrong? Not even dick pics are addressed as being wrong and rude. Women are constantly bombarded with media and society telling us what isn’t right about us and our behaviors. Right off the bat, women are conditioned to think and even believe something is wrong with them and men are perfect, so step your game up because it’s a competition and only the BEST woman will win. Have you noticed that? Men are perfect: they aren’t fat or hairy or bald… men are just fine the way they are. Women on the other hand are ALL WRONG. We are too tall, too skinny, and too fat; our hair is too long/short/curly/straight. We are too old, over educated/not educated enough, we are all strange and weird and crazy. Long story short, unless you are a mute 25 year old blonde Barbie with a trust fund…something is wrong with you. So imagine a woman like me: 6’4”, over 300 pounds, a year shy of 50, currently unemployed, straight shooter and with a missing front tooth….I am willing to hold onto to any man who dares to call me cute and wonders what it would be like to hold onto my fun bags. I am willing to make a meal out of crumbs and convince myself I am full because I am told everywhere I go, with every magazine I read and every commercial I see that I am fat, ugly and unworthy. I’m lucky a man even looks.my.way. My issues are fed negativity every day and the men I thought were special and different simply reinforced the negativity because I chose to take the crumbs instead of demanding and holding out for the cake and sandwich I really wanted.
Today I know it is NOT that way. I am me and Me is pretty fucking awesome. Today, I know that a man who will base your worth and value and what you can add to his life by your age, height, weight, and race is not the man ANY woman should want to be with. A man who cannot be truthful and consistent, who cannot take me being truthful and consistent…he is not the man for me. Which brings me back to why I will never get married and why I am more than happy to be single. Life is too short to settle, to worry what others think of me, to meet someone else’s expectations. Life is too short to settle for potential and accept that as being good enough or the best one can do.
I am not suddenly some empowered woman who has her shit together…I still have self-esteem issues, I still Facebook stalk and at times have and hold out unrealistic hope but I know I have the power to be the woman who is confident in herself inside and out; the woman who will know enough to walk away at the first display of disrespect and who will heed the red flags. But for now, one must learn to harness the power before channeling it.
Okay, done talking. Hopefully I did not come across as preachy or all up on a soapbox; I hope I come across as a woman becoming happily single, gaining a healthy perspective on her body and what she deserves emotionally and who is no longer willing to settle for less than what she deserves. Because that is who I am striving to be. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day