I’m Okay


A long time ago, I wrote a blog post titled I’m Fine…my thought process behind that post was that we all say I’m fine when we aren’t because it is easier to say that than to tell others what is really going on with us. I am at a point where I can tell folks what is not fine and what I am going through (especially via the written word) but I find it is NOT okay to be not fine. So now, I tell folks I’m okay even when I’m not. Because people can’t handle you not being okay. They really cannot.

My life is in some kind of spiral, downward all the way. I have no idea what I have done to reap this sort of karma or if it is a test or a storm or something from God…but can it PLEASE end now? I am going to tell you guys what my life is like RIGHT NOW and please know, I am not complaining. Just stating facts but I will say I am scared and frustrated and while I am somewhat powerless in the situation, I have to worry about it. They say why worry about what you cannot control, but I would be a fool not to worry. There is an option I could possibly grab hold of but I am stubborn with a plan and a lifestyle…I will take it if I have to, but hoping I don’t have to.

Crazy:  Going to start by saying the FB stalking is on hold; I have waaay too much going on to analyze the ever growing and possibly illegal population of Prince Charming’s Utah residence. But it is as if crazy is determined to stay in my life one way or another. I am pretty much being quiet while I process and try to figure out the current situation and Nipples (who is certifiably delusional and living in the past) is not liking that. I am bombarded via private FB messages and unwanted phone calls (damn you, Facebook Messenger) from the man, which I am ignoring. Which does not sit well with Nipples: the messages are alternating between guilt trips, his idea of persuasion and outright anger. I am told I am an uppity bitch who thinks she is better than, if he got me one time, he can (and will) get me again and how could I be tired of him already? His last message says I need to talk to someone and he needs to be that someone. IS.HE. SERIOUS? Did he not get the memo that we are done and have been for a very long time?

Closer to home, I have #CrazyNeighbor who is not comprehending the severity of my situation. She is still asking for cigarettes, food and wanting to take up my time with her theories and accusations of the white neighbors gassing her in her apartment and breaking in, yet they don’t take anything. They leave business cards. Yes, business cards. She is still knocking on my door all times of day and night, kinda like Sheldon looking for Penny on Big Bang Theory. I tell her (very patiently and slowly) that my resources are non-existent and I can no longer help her out the way I used to. She says to share my cigarettes with her and I can live with her. Can you picture that? I would be a crazier than hell and a zombie to boot as she never sleeps and the Early Morning Dance Party is in full effect.  I can see her wanting me to smell this and look at that 24/7. And for further entertainment, check out her latest note/message to the unseen “Them”.

IMAG1233_1

A Dry Well: When I told CN that my resources are non-existent that was not a joke. Unemployment Insurance dropped me like I was in a relationship with it…it allowed and accepted my claim, then three days later I get a Notice of Exhaustion dated 10 days earlier. So I have nothing resembling money coming in at all…my cash total is under $200. No bueno. The ads? I posted new pictures because I had a guy who actually sent.me.away because he said I was falsely advertising myself…I am not as big as my pictures suggest. I know I have lost weight and am down to my high school weight but believe this: I was fat in high school. For real. Now with the new pictures, I am getting responses that tell me they admire my new pics and they have saved them to jack off to. Gee, thanks. Not the sort of tribute I am looking for though. Pudgy is persona non grata over here….not sure if he got found out or if he just wanted to see me one last time, but since our reunion he has been ignoring my emails. Reliable One is also not an option; I am not in a place (in any kind of way) to stroke egos, play games or jump through hoops. If I come to you with my situation, either help or don’t…no ass kissing should be required.

Job Search: THIS…this is what has me frustrated, stymied and wanting it all to be over, however it ends. It is not the fact that I have not worked since Halloween and we are now approaching St. Patrick’s Day…it is the attitude of recruiters and potential employers. There is the guy who can get me $11/hour MAYBE if I have a DoD secret clearance; there is the recruiter who wants to submit me for a contract to perm assignment complete with very livable wage and health care. Only problem…he said he would submit my resume on Friday but never asked me to send him the resume. I can make a whopping $13/hour making coffee and let’s not forget the recruiter who argued with me about the $12/hour in Germantown and insisted I could make it there if I wanted since it’s only 6 miles away from DC. (For the record, it is 28 miles and not metro accessible) And the rejection letters telling me how impressive my experience is only to say they went with another candidate. The rejection, the disappointment, the what he fuck do I do now of it all is both tangible and palatable.

It has gotten to the point I am cursing folks out. For real. One recruiter called being all pretentious and supercilious telling me that if I would just lower my financial expectations, I could be working. RIGHT NOW. I told her I did not think it was wrong of me to ask for a survivable wage (it is evident with local agencies “livable wage” is a non-existent term)…I live alone, in the city and what she is offering is not going to cut it. THIS heifer says that is my problem and again, I need to lower my expectation. My response: “Bitch, the goal is to keep the roof over MY head, not yours.” I think that is one less agency I have to worry about. My mom is even helping with the search: she told her BFF about my dead ends and BFF sprang into action.

My mom’s best friend asked me to send her my resume….her husband had a colleague who was looking for a personal assistant who was well versed in customer service, MS Office suite and who was very organized. She said I would be a shoo-in for the position, had told the man about me and he was excited to see my resume…so I send the resume. Her husband goes to drop it off to the colleague…only to find out the man had dropped. dead on the job the day before. My life. RIGHT NOW.

Thinking Outside the Box: With all the doors being slammed in my face and the middle fingers being waved my way, it is no wonder I just want to be off the grid and figure something…hell, anything out. I wonder if this is God’s way of saying I could be the next Harry Potter Lady and I should just sit down and write a book but I don’t have the luxury of being a starving artist. I have bills, an uncooperative landlord and a disease that requires a lot of food and medication. Maybe I could publish a collection of blog posts to earn capital to tide me over while I write the book? Or my baby sister and I could collaborate on a restaurant/café…I am the cook and customer service guru and she knows the ins and outs of the food service industry. Whichever option I choose, it is going to require faith, determination and discipline…remember, my claim to fame (according to others) is strength. While I figure that out, I have applied (very informally) for a part time housekeeping position here in the neighborhood. Not sure if I will take it (not my skills set for real) but if it pays enough and allows me 2 days off a week, you can call me Hazel.

The Option: Mommy and Daddy are waiting with open arms and as much as I don’t want to go, I simply may have to. And it would be so easy to just scoop up the 2 months’ rent the landlord has yet to pick up (3 weeks after saying he is coming to get it…if he is waiting for February’s rent to somehow show up, he is going to be very disappointed), sell my furniture and roll out. At mommy’s house, I would not have to worry about rent, food or anything. I could write my book, I could strengthen my bonds with my parents and secure my place as their favorite…I could be taken care of.  Once I secured employment, my paycheck is mine but I would pay a couple of bills (my idea), buy my own food and save the rest for my car and housing. BUT….we would be three older folks with our own ways, schedules and lifestyles and my lifestyle would NOT be conducive/compatible with theirs. Believe me, truer words have never been spoken. Forget supplementing my income….I am used to cooking when I get hungry (and sometimes at odd hours), smoking indoors, walking around somewhat naked, sleeping in and when I am ready to go somewhere…I go. No ride required. The bottom line is I cannot live my life in their house and I like living my life, my way. I am a hostess, not a roommate. For real. Just going to do everything I can to not have to utilize my option. This just isn’t the way I was planning to go to North Carolina.

And this is my life. When I tell folks all that is going on, when I tell them: NO, I am not okay, I get questions. Questions like: what are you going to do? If I knew what I was going to do, I would be okay!! Or they say things like: I am going to check on you. I don’t need to be checked on….I need income. Steady, reliable income. My favorite: total (uncomfortable) silence and/or complete avoidance of the subject. THIS is why I say I am okay….because no one can help me with this. Not many can even relate to this. Oh, of course I hear I am not alone and I am not the only person going through or I am not the only one who has to pinch pennies. My response to this is: it isn’t a contest and not comparing my storm to anyone else’s… this is my storm…it is for me to weather. Let me. And this goes far beyond pinching pennies. I have no pennies to pinch and I refuse to lower financial standards…not paying someone to work for them.

So this is where I am at….please don’t take my silence and solitude personally. I hope you understand when I say I am off the grid. And I really, really hope you just leave it alone when I tell you I am okay. Somehow, some way I will get through this. Just don’t know how at the moment.

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