Today’s post is going to be a bit melancholy. I am posting three writings that came about when I was in dark places and spaces. I posted two on a Facebook page I created, Glued Together; it is a pretty quiet, private page where I go to be totally, randomly me without family, friends and coworkers to ask and question. A place where it is okay to NOT be okay. But now feel ready to share the darkness with the world. Because it’s okay to go to dark places…sometimes life will drive you there. Two rules: call someone to let them know where you are and don’t linger. Please don’t linger and know that someone shares your struggles.
(1) I am empty. Like a parched shell of who I used to be.
There are no tears, there is no laughter.
No love. No hate. No hope.
There is no one person or thing to blame.
I have simply been used…used until there is nothing useful left.
I have been fed too many lies, believed too many promises.
My diet has been bitter. There is no balance.
Too much struggle, never carried. I can no longer stand.
I no longer live, I don’t even survive. I exist. Barely.
But death is too much effort. My strength is gone.
I am crushed by disappointments.
(2) My life has not been easy. Some may call it hard.
My childhood did not have a silver spoon but my adulthood had a crack pipe.
Rapes, beatings, homelessness, all levels of abuse.
Ugly men, bad sex, lies, broken promises, trampled trust.
There were days darker than midnight in a coal mine and nights alive with stars and fireworks that shone brighter than the sun.
But I am still here….still kind, still caring, still with empathy and sympathy.
Not as trusting, faith-filled or hopeful, but they linger. Like traces of dust.
I sign my name in the dust.
(3) My love for you was bigger than the Hollywood sign and brighter than the lights of Las Vegas.
I gave you so much of me…I stripped away the masks and exposed my soul. But it wasn’t enough.
At least not for me. It may have been far too much for you. Which is funny.
Because I never cleared my heart out for you…I rearranged the baggage to make room.
I stacked past hurts and angers and pains in a corner to give the illusion of an empty heart, ready and waiting to be filled.
You filled my mind, my thoughts…but it was all an illusion. I filled my head with thoughts of what could be.
I closed my eyes and ears to red flags, pleas to flee and chose instead to listen to what could be.
Waiting, hoping that what could be would not break my heart but demolish it so that it could be built anew.
Clean slate, blank slate where only your footprints would show. Instead what could be imprinted you on my soul.
I will keep you safe there.