When I wrote my last post (one week ago), I was NOT in a good place. Not one of despair but anger, frustration and impatience were in full force. I was like Chandler Bing in the classic “pivot” episode of Friends: shut up, Shut Up, SHUT UP!! I had not worked basically the entire last quarter of 2014 and definitely have not worked the entire first quarter of 2015. Recruiters kept asking for my recent resume. I had stopped calling the Army’s prayer line because I was tired of hearing: hold on, there’s a blessing in the pressing and to trust in the Lord. Darkness was everywhere and I was drowning….whatever options I thought were available were not. I had $24 in the bank. Roads were blocked and closed and it hit me: I am in this storm all alone. For real. I was driving myself crazy and we all know I don’t need help with crazy.
I woke up the next day in tears and cried most of the day. When I finally finished my head was hurting, snot was everywhere and I decided to just let.it.go….whatever happened, happened. I decided to just enjoy what is and fuck what would be for one week. No job searches, no ads…just me, deep house music and the Empire season finale. I was on a journey to find my peace. Off the grid…except my Panel does not know what “off the grid” means. At all. New Mommy is the biggest culprit. She starts my day with texts that read: are you still off the grid and then launches into chatter, gossip and jokes. Chef calls 3 times a day and if I don’t answer, he is calling and texting. Cuz is calling and emailing. Mini-Me is determined we are going to go out for pasta and catch up talk. Artsy Craftsy sent groceries (she may not have cash, but she has coupons and a credit card). It was nerve wracking for the first day but I know it is because they care and this is my support group. They don’t have answers or jobs to offer or money to give, but they are letting me know that I am not alone. They are sharing my battle with me, just like they share my personal/emotional battles.
So what happened during my week of fuckitol? Let’s see: I read hopeful horoscopes that let me know I had been in worst positions and made it through…just have faith and patience. Saw some inspirational videos that spurred me to get back on the prayer line. I had two dates which allowed me to pay off my Comcast balance, put $200 in the bank and I have money for meds and miscellaneous stuff AND buy groceries. Not really going to talk about the dates except to say one involved an enema, godawful smells and me leaving in the middle of it and the other dude who said he was 6 feet tall and 300 pounds turned out to be 5’7” and 400 pounds. He was very nice though…Enema Dude was scary looking and acting.
I got submitted to a job in Camp Hill, Pennsylvania which is in my ideal pay range; I won’t be able to save for the relocation because I will have to pay for lodging during the work week as well as rent on the apartment here in DC, BUT it would break the dry spell with a major player. I also have an interview next week for a position that the recruiter is desperate to fill and he thinks my experience will truly impress the client. Again, it is my desired wage range and it is local, so IF it comes through, I can finally start the relocation process. There was a potential job in Cleveland (I was like…Ohio??) which actually sounded great and some research on Cleveland made it seem a viable move, but there was no money to make the relocation. Which is probably for the best.
At some point during the week, I ventured out for cigarettes and was ambushed by Crazy Neighbor in the hallway. She said it was her birthday. Later that evening, I decided I wanted Chinese food and ordered some for CN for her birthday dinner. Honeybee went with me to deliver it; there were tears and we were told we were like CN’s family and her only friends. She insisted we stay and chat….and it went downhill from there. She insisted the white people were gassing her via her smoke detector (there is no ventilation system in this building) and that the gas was odorless but she could smell it. She wanted us to see stuff on the street but would not allow us to look out the blinds and then there was the story of her being chased by men who lived 10 blocks away and how she had to get all Jason Bourne and endure chases down metro platforms and ducking in and out of West End hotels. We managed to escape after an hour and RAN to our apartments.
The next day Crazy Neighbor showed up wanting to bum cigarettes…except she had MONEY. I told her to go buy the cigarettes next door from the gas station. She said she couldn’t because she had to watch her apartment…people were just ready to go in and leave more terrifying surprises for her. I told her to take the chance…I am a true cigarette smoker and I would rather have my smokes than money to go buy more. She did not take the hint. She came back the next day and I swear, it is at the point I feel I need to hide in my own home. I was talking to my baby sister about her baby (I am going to have a nephew!) and CN is knocking with the confidence one has when they KNOW you are home. I was pretty naked (topless) and I told her through the door I was busy. CN says it is an emergency. I put the chain on, hide behind the door and open it…not much. CN is trying to put her HAND through the opening, saying she needs cigarettes bad and will pay me $7 for 2. I am batting and swatting her hand and trying to push the door closed. I finally succeed and hear her saying on the other side of a closed door: girl, come down and see me later, okay?
Oh, paid the rent and was informed my rent has been raised. All I could do at that was laugh; first of all, good luck with THAT and secondly, I cannot even get angry. Name one person living in an almost million dollar neighborhood with all the amenities mine has whose rent has only been raised $50 in 11 years? So this was my week of fuckitol: it brought slight hope, lots of crazy and a resolve: the job with the wage I desire IS out there. And if I have waited it out this long, no way am I going to knuckle under to not even survive. I am surviving without the income now. Yes, we are back at the starting gate with the goal of needing $2000 in one month; no, we do not have Reliable One or Pudgy to pick up considerable slack but I can do this. I just proved it (while thanking God for small and unexpected blessings).
So starting Monday, back to the job search, back to the ads, and going on the interview. Back to the grind of trying to assimilate into the working world. Back to the prayer line for encouragement. Not going to drive myself crazy and when I am overwhelmed, going to take the step back that I need. If I lose everything else, I HAVE to keep my peace…it is a direct line to my sanity. I do have fun stuff planned: dinner with Downstairs Neighbor, lunch with Mini-Me and going to see The Breakfast Club (I even have a tee shirt!) on the big screen with Feisty One. I may even go to church. My mantra: I got this!
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!