Army Strong

Officially dubbing this PB mess Cornflake Gate. I take full responsibility for it; I was careless, point blank. But I swear, my screw-ups wouldn’t be so epic if folks just do what I ask them to do. Everyone may not think like me, but they damned sure act like me. Pudgy has admitted to reading the email…CL Chat Buddy swears the man was reading it while promising he wouldn’t. He says we are cool and will continue to meet regularly, but he is different and things are awkward. So I wrote a letter of explanation/apology. Maybe I should just leave things the way they are, but I feel very badly about things and regardless of what the man says, this will be something that won’t go away. Honestly, how much longer would you give money to and be intimate with a person who praises you in your face and calls you fat and tells all your business behind your back?

So, a letter has been written, tweaked and revised. The people pleaser in me wrote it… already know the arrangement PB and I have will not last, even if this mishap had not happened. My availability will diminish once I land an assignment; he will find someone new. I just don’t want it to end with either of us having a bad taste in our mouths. The Panel was split on how it was written: some think it is perfect, others think it tells too much. And I see both perspectives…I am either about to scare him off or get in  deeper…either way, it’s a can of worms. However, I have put this man’s business on front street more than once (he has only found out once); guess I am trying to even the score, so to speak. Thinking it will make PB feel that I trust him enough to let him in and if he is falling, it’s okay. I don’t think I told him that much, but because it is my life and I live it (and with it) on a constant basis, I tend to forget how intense it is.

Today’s blog post is going to be about something different (despite how I began it). Going to tell you about my day with God.  No, I was not naked on a hilltop nor at home clutching a rosary reading the Bible. I did not go to church and did not meditate with weird flute music playing. I woke up. That’s it…God took it from there. It started with a private message from Preacher’s Wife who just wanted to tell me I am amazing, strong and loved. You know, she is one person I KNOW God put in my life and has kept her here. She does not know this, but when I first met her (way, way back in the early Island days), I did not like her. She was what I wanted to be: curvy in the right ways in the right places, flawless hair, confident, assured…..normal. Not normal because even on casual days when she would say she looked a mess, she still looked magazine cover ready. She is still all of those things, but because we have a friendship, a sistership…I can now emulate her instead of envying her.

Preacher’s Wife feeds my Spirit, sometimes in indirect ways. She invited me to a Facebook Group called The Breakfast Club and that group is amazing. We are not all friends, but we are all family. They have jokes, encouragement, support, and it is a place where whether you are religious or spiritual or even on the fence…you are welcome. Just know that the members of this group love the Lord and if they cannot express that anyplace else, they can do that in the group. The Breakfast Club offers a prayer line Monday-Friday at 12noon that is open to all in need (302-202-1108 code: 236698) that I never miss. It helps me, a lot.

So after reading such a wonderful message (which I needed to hear…doing my best to keep funk and frustration away), I decided to post a prayer in the group. I had a job interview that morning and really was defeated before I even started out, but speaking what I felt in my heart was cathartic and I left out for the interview in a much better mood. And the interview was…not sure if it was mind blowing or eye opening. It started with the receptionist knowing my name and the interviewer apologizing for keeping me waiting when she showed up 10 minutes later. No interviewer ever apologizes…you just wait for them to finish whatever was more important than jerking your chain.

The interviewer was…normal. Short, stout, Native American, regular clothes (no heels or power suits or fake smiles) and a pencil stuck in her hair…and she was the OWNER of the agency. She warned me I would not be ready for the interview as she asked unconventional questions and if I were uncomfortable, tell her so. She got the particulars of the assignment out the way first and then came the questions. She asked totally unconventional questions: what would my enemies say about me (I would not know as we don’t talk), what animal spirit is inside of me (butterfly because they are beautiful, free and bring peace and happiness), describe myself in one word (lively), how would my friends describe me in 3 words (I was going to say crazy as hell but went with nice, kind and stubborn) and my biggest failures personally and professionally. I told her they were one and the same: I give my all, do my best and do it well…it lasts longer than I expect it to but at the end of the day, no one wants to seal the deal with me permanently.

And here is where God stepped in again….that woman looked me in my eyes and said I have been unequally yoked. (She actually said that) That I fall faster and further than the other party and give so much so freely, I tend to get taken for granted. When I am equally yoked, the deal will be sealed. Permanently. When I could speak, I asked her did that go for the job too. For the first time in a very long time, I left an interview feeling hopeful (even if I don’t get the job) and not like one of many used to meet a quota. Of course I came home and told my Panel and The Breakfast Club all about it. The peace, contentment and love I felt that day was incredible. The hope I was filled with, the knowing I was not alone was incredible…and it started with an unexpected good morning that came from an angel.

I hear so much that I am strong, but I am not. I manage through my pain (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) because the only other choice is to give up. Giving up is not an option. Giving up means suicide and I am too much of a coward for that. Giving up means relapsing into drugs and drink…I can’t handle that battle any longer. I would rather deal with death. I wake up thinking I am doing it all wrong, that I am supposed to be in a better position overall in life, have a better (at least bigger) apartment, have a better handle on things emotionally. I wonder if my happy has run out and I laugh and make jokes because if I don’t I would drown in my tears. Yeah, I have been through stuff but we all have. I believe we are all headed to the same destination but our paths are a combination of our choices and what our Higher Power has for us and us alone to see and experience.

Any semblance of strength you see in me, it is because of whom I have chosen to surround myself with. They are the strong ones: the members of The Breakfast Club (hereafter known as the Army)  who despite their circumstances choose to focus on the good, the blessings and hold on tighter than their faith. They don’t tell what they are going through…they tell how they got through it. My Panel, who makes decisions all the time to push forward, be positive and stick to achieving their happiness. They make mistakes, they have been hurt. They choose to enjoy the ride anyway. Me, I am a chick who has been treated so horribly I have no idea how to react/respond when someone shows me kindness, caring and niceness. I fall back into old behaviors that are no more than band-aids and go for fully trusting folks only to wind up shutting everyone out. I want to be like the people I talk to and share with and who saw fit to befriend me: I want to fall forward into the unknown and have the faith and trust to know that I won’t fall…I will fly. I want to be the recipient of miracles that come from letting wounds heal, where I am not a prisoner to the people pleaser tendencies.   I want to live in the moment and plan for the future; I have been saying forever that I need to work on my spiritual needs and I have done bits here and there but I need to do more. Fix the inside (ALL of the inside) and the outside falls into place. For now, I can still stand on my own but I need my Army and my Panel to lean on sometimes. I promise to do the same for them.

Okay, going to wrap this up…I was having breakfast for dinner but burned half the bacon…gonna eat it anyway. Check back soon for new posts and updates and I leave you with this question: if you tell someone no naked butts on your bed, why would they sit their naked butt on your bed to put on their underwear?  As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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