Peanut Butter

This post is NOT about peanut butter (although I find it yummy and it is a good thing for Dottie to have)…it is about the Pudgy Businessman. If you recall, I could think of no other name for the man, but New Mommy and I had shortened him to Pudgy Business, which I further shortened to PB…which we ALL know stands for Peanut Butter. And voila, we have a blog post title.

So before I get into today’s post (which has turned into a mini crisis of sorts…to me at least), I absolutely have to tell you about the phone call I had with Brother Everything. Last I talked to him, domestic bliss was nowhere to be found but he had just signed a 5 year contract with his agency and was part-timing it as an Uber driver. I find myself possibly in need of Uber soon as the silver line on a Sunday schedule is not very appealing, so I called up BE to see how to arrange it so he is my driver. (If I am going to spend the money, why not put it in the pockets of someone I know?) The man was liquored up when he answered the phone and proceeded to tell me that married life was so-so and he had lost.his.job. He would not get into details (all he would say is it is a loooong story) and he was trying to get it back.

While I am uttering sympathetic phrases, I am wracking my brain to find a way to get the true story out of him and somehow missed the direction the conversation took. All I know is he went from saying he was trying to get his job back to saying he wanted me naked on my knees, tits on his thighs doing porno style oral on him before he spread my legs wall to wall and plowed me into next week. I tried to laugh it off and say he was just frustrated but he called me constantly all weekend trying to set up a day/time. (I did not answer, but he left messages) Not sure what that boy is smoking (that was more than liquor talking) but not happening. In addition to not being one to screw my friends’ men/husbands, he has no money. I hope he sobers up really soon. And stops watching so much porn.

So…PB. Most of you know the story of PB. He answered my ad, we have been ongoing and he is overly generous. He tried to turn the tables on me (as if his excesses and indulgences were somehow my fault) when I was following the boundaries and directions he set, then returned again overly generous and somewhat apologetic. Well, things have changed lately and not sure if it means a swan song or if he is falling for me. Weekend Phone Friend, Chef, Tiger and Cuz says he is definitely falling; Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy says who cares as long as I don’t fall…take the money and run. The man has been meeting with me more regularly and we have escalated our routine. PB wants kissing (with tongue…light tongue), PB wants intercourse, PB wants to please me (never an option before) and while he asked what pleased me, like most men, he ignored it. But he tries to make me happy in that department. He wants us to go on a diet/workout regimen together (honor system). He emails just to chat; he puts money in my account so I am not broke between visits, he has set me up with an Uber account so I don’t have to be dependent on cabs and metro and on our last visit….he was so generous I felt I needed to cook him lunch and wash his clothes.

Now, you need to know I like the man…I don’t like the man. He is nice, he is intelligent and we both enjoy history, enjoy the same genres of books and we always have enjoyable conversations. I always have a nice time with him. Not good…nice. I have no sexual attraction to him (I blame my lack of arousal on Dottie), I have no crush on him, I have no desire to lay with him in my bed. Circumstances have made us lovers of sorts, but if I were to label him, friend (preferably platonic)  would be the title.  BUT….

You know I am still emotionally unhealthy (trust me, just because every other word out of my mouth isn’t Prince Charming does not mean the man has gone anywhere in my heart or in my mind) and it is all I can do to hold issues at bay, but for me if a man is paying me tons of attention or tossing cash at me like it is glitter and confetti when the bedroom is not involved…that is showing me he cares and I matter to him. I am maybe two overly generous visits away from calling the man my boyfriend.  You know how folks say common courtesy and genuine niceness is so rare, folks mistake it for flirting or feelings? I am who they had in mind when they said that. Which is why a relationship or anything that has ANYTHING that can be construed as emotional or substantive is NOT for me right now. Still healing, still learning, still too vulnerable. I am okay with that and I am finding my solitude punctuated by the occasional “date” is fine by me.  Not trying to people please my way into a relationship…been there, done that and no one benefitted long term from that.

Well, I was having a talk with my CL Chat Buddy…rarely do I mention him but he and I have been chatting since the end days of the Him Healing Process. CL Chat Buddy was the one who told me from the very beginning Prince Charming was a froot loop dingus who would hurt me. He has been helping with the job search and he’s a good guy. So I told him about PB….basically the backstory and my theory that the man was falling for me….and sent the email to PB! (Dear God, kill me….kill me now) No idea how it happened…as Cuz put it, I fucked up cornflakes and all you have to do with them is pour milk on them. Well, I freaked out but had the presence of mind to send a follow up email AND text to PB telling him I sent him an email in error and to PRETTY PLEASE delete without reading. I get an email back saying no problem. I then called the Panel to tell them what I did….all I got back was: you can bet your sweet ass he read it.

 I freaked because not only do I not want to lose out on the generosity just yet, I also do not want PB hurt or angry because I am speaking honestly. People say they want truth and honesty, but most cannot handle it. It is not that I want a relationship with PB (I don’t) but I don’t want him wanting one with me but of course you can’t bring this up with financials on the table…financials are supposed to keep things like this at bay. But sex changes things regardless. Morning Person says it is a testament to my huge heart that as much as I have been hurt, I don’t want others to be. I think PB is a nice guy (morals notwithstanding), he trusts me and he has been awfully good to me lately. I don’t want him to think less of himself or of me. (People pleaser tendencies coming out full force here)

We still don’t know if he read the email or not…I sent him another one to test the waters and he seemed to be himself. He has not mentioned anything. There are backup plans in place just in case…going to make my past work for me and stroke some ego if necessary. We are still unemployed, rent is looming and PB’s increased budget when it comes to me is very much welcome and needed. Not to mention, I like being liked and my customer service reputation is on the line. I may not be the youngest, best looking or skinniest chick out there, but my customer satisfaction rate is 100% on all levels. I guess we will find out soon enough….either he will speak up, fall off the face of the earth or show up smiling, happy and none the wiser.

Well, going to wrap this up…. I have laundry to do as well as show up for another job interview. Fingers crossed on everything! I will be back soon with new posts, so please stay tuned. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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