Curb Kickin’

I think I am suffering from PTSD (Post Travis Stress Disorder)….at my reunion meeting with Pudgy, I asked the man was he a Mormon because he always wore white tee shirts and boxers. I thought they were garments. Pudgy looked at me with a thousand questions on his face and slowly assured me he was NOT Mormon and then told me I was a cutie doll. No questions, no this bitch is crazy for real looks. Just reassurances, compliments and generosity. I’m telling you, Pudgy is about to be the next boyfriend.  Not sure how I forgot to tell you guys that bit of information, but hey…now you know. In addition to all my other issues and paranoias regarding men, I now think they are all #SecretMormons.

Want to thank everyone for crossing their fingers….the UI claim went through but it is looking to be the last one. I was approved for 24 weeks and this is claim #24. I am not panicking yet….not sure how to face this without going off the deep end so just staying in the day. Today we are caught up on rent and have money for next month’s other bills and Dottie’s meds; I had a check come, along with some dates including the “spammer” who turned out to be a crossdresser turned on by female facial hair. Curious to see if the DJ is the real deal and shows up. He has been pretty silent since confirming an actual day/time. But, still I need another month’s rent to be able to breathe a little …trust me, I NEED to be able to breathe and not just catch my breath. Which brings me to today’s post and the question of the day.

Do I want to deal with Reliable One/Safety Net? With the right speech, I could get all three months and pocket my current dollars to survive off of…at the very least I could get one month’s rent and any extra dollars that come my way this week will be all mine. But I don’t want to. My time with Reliable One is coming to a close. For real.

Two weeks ago, he finally agrees to meet me for dinner after 6 weeks of ignoring me or canceling last minute. (In an aside, I told you this is how it goes between us. HE complains I only want to see him to get a rent check, but he is never available until it is TIME for me to ask for a rent check) Dinner was awful….not the food nor service as both were superb. It was the company….he looked completely disheveled with unkempt hair, wrinkled and stained shirt that was half in/half out his pants (if you are meeting someone in public, whoever it is…put forth some effort!!), conversation was stilted and he yawned loudly whenever I tried to initiate talk.

Of course I had a voucher because apparently, in addition to no longer paying rent he is also only paying for his meal. A bit miffed at that but as it was pointed out to me by Cuz, we know the man is cheap…he is now starting to be cheap with me. However, my app was not working and RO/SN insisted he NEEDED that voucher. His attention was distracted because a tall BBW (this chick put the BIG in BBW…you know it’s bad when fat chicks call other chicks fat) caught his eye and the man claimed he had to pee 10 times, which meant he passed her table a total of 20 times. He lingered after the check was paid (calimed he wanted to finish his water but his glass was empty) to time our leaving with hers but the worst part of the evening? He shared his fruit plate with me and the fruit had been soaked in Grand Marnier. When I went off on him for jeopardizing my sobriety/recovery (it was loaded in alcohol, I think the fruit was fermenting), his response was an unapologetic “sorry”.

It wasn’t always like this. When I first met Reliable One, I was in my infancy with the online dating thing and nowhere near as internet savvy as I am now. RO was a strange duck from the beginning. One of his first questions to me was to ask my shoe size. I didn’t know any better…thought it was a routine question: what color are your eyes? What do you do for a living? What size shoes do you wear?  So I told him and on our first date (Daily Grill in Tysons), the man brought me not one, but two pairs of shoes. Most guys bring flowers, candy or order a nice wine for the table…Reliable One brought shoes. From Nordstrom Rack.  Oh, he wasn’t done there….the man told me maybe three sentences into the conversation that he was a commitment-phobe; yet he answered my dating profile. I decided to go with it and at least enjoy the free meal and new shoes. But then he told me he had googled me! I know I am a stalker and have utilized google for more than what shade of lipstick Annalise Keating is wearing in How to Get Away with Murder, but you NEVER tell folks you have googled them! You just don’t.

But, we continued to see each other…he said I was his dream woman come to life; as for me, it was nice to have attention showered on me and to have a man with the means and time (once he cleared it with mommy) to take me to upscale restaurants. Not sure what his dreams were for us: he talked a lot about wanting children and how he could see himself waking up to me everyday. But, I could see nothing with Reliable One. He had never left his mother’s house…never. He has been with his mama since the day he was conceived; he didn’t travel a lot and no desire to since his mother could not travel far distances. He cannot cook, he has no bills (save his credit card) and no sense of responsibility (rich coming from me). He hates to spend money (the man makes a 6 figure income and has assets and investments in the  figure range), not a fan of museums and falls asleep in movies and on TV programs. But, he adored me and even though he complained (and once got called out on his lousy tipping) and would eat his food and half of mine (I once stabbed his hand with a fork over it), he took me to any restaurant I wanted.

There were presents also: perfumes, my flat screen TV, a Bose sound system (nothing huge but still…Bose) and when I worked for the Judges, he would buy my lunch and deliver it to me in the office. He never asked for sex from me and believe me, I offered. I think I made him feel inadequate because in addition to sexual dysfunction, I once tried to give him a handjob but hard to call it that when all I needed was thumb and forefinger. After that, we kinda left sex off the table. Not sure when he started paying the rent but going to say back in 2009 when I had a stretch of unemployment similar to this one. I didn’t ask…I was venting about it to him and wondering where I could and would go…and he offered. Still pissed at myself for not saving my dollars when I had them while he paid my rent, but I swear I never thought he would continue to offer to pay it…even when months turned into years. You just don’t think someone you are not dating or having intimate relations with is just going to DO for you….and keep doing.

The change with us has been about a year in the making…since Dottie’s arrival and his mother’s health issues. Going to start with Dottie: I am beginning to resent RO because he doesn’t get it when it comes to diabetes. Not asking him to understand it…I still don’t understand it and what damage it does to me but all you need to know is that I have to control my sugar and carb intake, exercise/lose weight and try not to get so stressed to the point I spazz out. So ordering me a full sugar soda and two desserts at dinner is not getting it. Thinking diabetes is contagious is not getting it. In fact, since the weight loss, he has not gotten a lot of stuff…liquor soaked fruit  when you KNOW about my addiction/recovery is a prime example.  And on his end…all I have to do is stay fat and helpless…but Dottie is bringing weight loss and Prince Charming brought a distrust and what do I have to lose attitude. No winners here, folks.

His mother…she is 96 and has dementia. She can still walk but it is not recommended as she is prone to constant falling. She is not the mother he has known and loved and she needs to be somewhere where she can get proper treatment and social engagement. And Reliable One knows this. However, he keeps her in the house, in the bed where she is tended to by underqualified, broken English speaking ladies who keep her in bed, feeding her soup and watching whatever is on the television. He says he doesn’t want to let her go (not even to assisted living) because he needs her with him…and I can relate to a degree but if she is no longer your mother (the one you had to ask if you could stay out past 8pm on our third date), what’s the point?

So thinking his giving me the rent is now a form of control for him; that, or he has been busted because he takes the money from a joint account he has with his mama…which tells me that it’s her money keeping the roof over my head. I don’t know but it feels as if we have both started taking each other for granted and I tried so hard not to do that or go there with Reliable One. I KNOW he did not nor does not have to pay one dime for a home he never steps foot in which is why I started grouponing dinners with/for him and steered clear of five star restaurants. I used to call him on weekends and email with him during the day, but his time for me outside of check writing dwindled until he is simply not available until it is time to write a check.  And he thinks I only want him for the check and expects me to grovel, beg and cry to get it now. Don’t get me wrong, I have. I have begged, bullied, sweet talked….all because I gave someone that much power that they can dictate whether I can meet the rent. Since the dinner, Reliable One and I have not spoken but in the past week, he has taken to posting on my social media page; he only posts to get my attention or to get me to pay him attention. Strange he only posts on my wall when he knows a check is due and I have not asked him for it yet.

So, I am in the process of taking back control of my life but now circumstances have me not quite in a bind but something needs to give and I am wondering if it is even worth it to run back to a torn and tattered Safety Net. The Panel is split: some say why not, especially since I am not in dire need; some say rebuild the friendship and work on future payments and others say drop Reliable One and start laying the groundwork and building a stronger relationship so I have better and greater chances to win the Pudgy Powerball. Really, it all depends on what I am able to accomplish with the job search and the dates along with what I am willing to put up with, so we’ll see.

Okay, this post is longer than I thought it would be and took longer than I thought to write (thanks, nervous breakdown and dark day depression) so going to wrap it up now. It is cold, it is snowing and the plan today is to eat food, watch the dvr and wear no clothes. At some point, I am really going to need to leave the house….I have not been out since February 16th but hoping to get fresh air and sunshine over the weekend. We’ll see how that works out.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

 

Advertisements

This and That

The Dark Day is gone…for now or forever, who knows? All I know is I am no longer in that space and I do have some of my faith back. Hope is digging herself out from under disappointment and strength…I have been sleeping trying to rest up for the next round of the fight. It’s a strange sleep: first, it feels like I cannot get enough and it is both dreamless and filled with weird dreams. Stuff like bats, being naked in public except for a sheer curtain panel and haunted houses. If I were not so lazy right now, I would look these things up and get a dream interpretation.

So today’s post is just a mish mash of random stuff. Nothing serious or earth shattering…just loose pieces of randomness to share and to help get me back on an even keel. Surprisingly, it is pretty much drama free but I am with New Mommy…we are in need of a huge dose of off –the-wall, WTF crazy as an antidote to all the reality I am facing.

Going to start by saying I do hope you Lovebugs are keeping warm, especially those affected by the Siberian Express.  As Artsy Craftsy put it, it is so cold that air conditioning would feel warm at this point.  It is so cold that even though it is in the critical do or die stages of needing an assignment (or some form of income), I am actually kind of glad I don’t have a job to venture out to. I sleep in and stay snuggled under the covers while feeling sorry for folks (especially those on public transportation) who do have to get out in it. Not a fan of weather extremes but can handle heat and humidity better than I can the cold…you can’t even put on enough clothes to stay warm right now.

Did I tell you guys I have Netflix? Finally. Probably 5 years behind everyone else, but better late than never. I signed up for two reasons: I got a free month with my new laptop (Stella (the laptop’s name) came bearing gifts) and I HAD to catch up on the first two seasons of American Horror Story. Coven and Freakshow were macabre fun and I wanted to see what I had been missing. Pretty soon, I will be able to say I have seen all seasons of AHS AND every episode of Grey’s Anatomy…I am a pop culture fiend! Strangest part is, I only watch on my phone…not laptop, no TV hookup….phone. Probably so I don’t have to get my lazy, cold ass out of my warm bed.

Sticking to my word about no more job searches…the email alerts I have received since my breakdown have been deleted unread. I am too burned out and jaded to even consider that THIS application/submission could be the one. The Baby Daddy reached out to me after reading the last blog post and offered to help. At first, I thought she was offering to come current on her child support but the woman has a resume writing/HR service and wanted to review my resume to make sure I was putting my best foot forward; she said it was good but she could make it POP…I want to POP. Then, she proceeded to lecture me about not utilizing resources and connecting with friends when I am in dark places. I love her so much and just want to say…I fell so hard and fast, I did not even know I had fallen until I was wiping tears from my eyes. If any of you reading are in need of job search help, updated job search documents…check out her website here.

Speaking of jobs, a recruiter called Friday afternoon. Says he has a GREAT opportunity I would be PERFECT for…when I ask about it, he promptly switches gears to tell me how slow the season is, how I need more than one resource, blahblahblah. I hung up. He called back and asked if I would come down and meet with him and at least get registered so when jobs started flowing again, I would already be on the roster. Which I considered because in a way, it makes sense….the more baskets I put eggs in, the more chances I have of being chosen. Until he said he wanted a complete, detailed list of where I was registered, where I had applied and who I had interviewed with. I told him that was none of his business…all he needed to know was that I was actively seeking employment via various resources. He says he can work around not knowing. I just bet you can, buddy. I bet you can.

It hasn’t all been sleeping and chasing gloom though….I have bought tickets to fun stuff. The way I see it, if I am going to be broke and destitute soon, stock up now on stuff that will get me out the house and lift my spirits. I have groupons for massages, dinners and have brought tickets to comedy shows: Loni Love and Corey Holcomb. Debating Aries Spears but he may be sold out by now. And do you know what I will be doing March 26th? A day of jury duty followed by seeing my all-time favorite movie The Breakfast Club on the big screen!!! AND because jury duty will pay me $34, I have money for popcorn!! Good times ahead, people.

In other (and final piece of) news, Pudgy and I have reconciled and are back in “friendship” for lack of a better word. I did not think he would get over being butt-hurt…since saying we were “cool”, the man had not spoken a word to me. I ended up emailing him the letter I had written (I was getting fed up with the tantrum and ready to cut losses but wanted him to know I was sorry to have hurt him) and within 20 minutes, he responded. He apologized for confusing me with his generosity, said he was not trying to escalate our friendship (said it cannot escalate due to his situation…and why do married men refer to marriages as “situations”?) and would enjoy continued visits….and set a date to meet.

The day of the meeting, I was nervous and I think I can almost see why Him and Prince Charming turned coward tail and ran after being found out….facing someone you have hurt (intentionally or not) is some scary shit. I decided to wear Pudgy’s favorite perfume, break out a couple of toys and wore my Batman panties. You may be angry with me, but NO ONE gets angry with Batman! But it went well: we hugged it out and everything just fell back into place. He kept telling me how cute, sexy and fun I was and said he wanted me as happy as I make him. AND he was overly generous again. He balked a bit at accepting the gift card ($15 at Panera that I know he gave to his secretary) and I told him since he had a hard time accepting me showing my appreciation (he said he was the one who should be giving me gifts…always), I would do so in ways he could accept.

I have to admit I was surprised he showed up….it was the coldest day of the year and metro had broken down so his plan was to reschedule and work from home. But he made it into DC because he said I was what mattered and he REALLY wanted to see me. Hmmm….not reading much into that because the man was probably talking through his little head. So glad I don’t have one…. can you imagine me with the people pleaser tendencies, instant gratification issues AND a little head? Scary.

So that is what has been going on in, around and after the breakdown. About to take a late night shower, submit my UI claim (everyone cross your fingers, please) and head to bed. I will be back soon with more posts and updates. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Shiny Umbrellas

Not speaking

After yesterday’s blog post, I was a mess. Mentally and spiritually. I was not talking to God (hence the picture). I got another rejection email soon after posting and only two thoughts came to my mind: wait until the last date next week, take all the money and run…except where to run to was an issue. Raleigh was out…basically I have enough for a bus ticket, deposit on a place and first month’s rent. No car, no food, no furniture….and how was I going to transport my belongings? Greyhound is not equipped for that. Second option was to get a clunker off Craigslist, pack up everything and go to my mama’s house….and that is not an option I want to contemplate. I love my mother and father dearly and am so happy and grateful for every minute I have with them here…but living together? For an extended period of time?

My other option was suicide and I am NOT joking. I am sooooo tired of struggling, scraping by and dealing with being second best (on a good day) it is not even funny. I just want it over with…the tests, the trials, the lessons that apparently I never seem to learn (in God’s classroom, I am the student that needs the most improvement)…. and most importantly…the rejection. Personally, professionally…it’s a constant in my life and there are days I feel I cannot deal with it anymore. Those are the days I sleep. And I thought how wonderful it would be to just continue to sleep….

But instead of killing myself, I ranted, raged and thought maybe the atheists are right: life is luck of the draw and there was no God, no Supreme Being wanting what was best for us. It’s a story we tell ourselves so we don’t have to deal with the reality that this life, however shitty or shiny, is ALL THERE IS. All my efforts are in vain because I am on the shit end of the stick, so suck it up and make the best of the scraps and crumbs I have managed to hustle up. But, God was talking to me. And he is STILL talking.

First, I went to log off Facebook…I was not in the mood to see the #socialmediahighlightreel where everyone is all happy and shiny and posting photos from the office or with their significant other. Except when I go to log off, there was a private message from my Nubian Princess. This woman is drop dead gorgeous, classy, intelligent and so down to earth…she is like the perfect woman. Seriously. And she told me to be angry if I must but to not give up. She reminded me of my strength and that God gives his toughest battles to His strongest soldiers and that blessings and rewards were on the way.

Then, THIS popped up in my news feed….it was written by the founder of the Army and he had written it hours before I posted, but it didn’t show up until the crisis.
“God said “The end of your test is coming, you have been a faithful servant. If you just hold out a little while longer, your blessing will be great” I don’t know who that is for, but I praise God for you in advance”

Oh, God wasn’t done talking. New Mommy (who is about to live up to her name for a second time) texted, demanding to know WHO rejected me. I told her but was thinking what does it matter? I think the woman was going to pack up her Baby Brigade and go marching downtown to office buildings ready to rip HR recruiters a new one. She was the one I told the thoughts of suicide to and she told me to just calm down, slow down and agreed going off the grid for a few days would be a good thing. But I had to stay in contact with her or else she was calling my parents, the Panel and making a trip to DC.

Cuz called and reminded me that while things looked bleak, I had some hope. I may not be current on the rent but I was caught up…all by myself. The unemployment had not stopped yet so I had something still coming in…two checks and being caught up was better than no checks and no rent money. I have food in the fridge, freezer and cupboards, I have Dottie’s meds and with the bitter cold, I am indoors and warm. He said to just stay in the moment…I came back with moments become days which becomes weeks and now here we are. And Cuz pointed out that right now, where we were was pretty damned good. Tomorrow was another day and we could try again….or maybe not. Even the best fighters need to rest.

His call was followed by Baby Mama who was celebrating her birthday and telling me that even though it was unusual for me to be without a job this long, maybe I was where I needed to be and that maybe I am concentrating my job search in the wrong place….all plans are subject to tweaking and revising and maybe I need to look more into NC and less at DC. Then my Baby Sister called…she is having a baby boy. (I am going to be an Auntie….for real!!) And then my mama called and she prayed for me and told me to stay faithful. I told her I was not talking to God and giving him side eyes. She told me to tell Him why I was angry, why I am scared and reminded me that NO ONE is forsaken or forgotten.

Believe it or not, God was STILL not done talking: I got an encouraging comment on the post that almost brought me to tears, Preacher’s Wife and Downstairs Neighbor reminded me of all the good things I was and that if I just hold on, a breakthrough was coming….don’t let myself be broken. Since I had nothing else to say, I decided to get a hot shower, cook dinner and sleep.

And this morning, I feel much better. Nothing much has changed in my situation but I no longer feel the loneliness and despair of yesterday. I have cleaned my apartment, cooked a nice breakfast and written this post. NOT doing a job search today or the rest of the weekend. I need time to think, process and allow myself to be guided so my efforts are put towards the right things. I am still miffed and hurt but my friends, my family…they came to my rescue in the middle of my dark storm with their shiny umbrellas and offered me protection and shelter. They showed me that: Yes Virginia, there IS a God!

Thank you ALL for your love, friendship, support and encouragement and for sharing your hope and strength with me.

Crisis of Faith

This is isn’t the blog post that is supposed to be here….yeah, still having those kind of days. The other post is practically finished and my plan today was to finish writing it, post it and have a light-hearted, worry free (well as worry free as I can be) day. Instead, I woke up to yet another rejection email from a potential employer and I have been crying all morning and most of the afternoon.

I don’t know what is WRONG with me…and it IS me. It simply cannot be everyone else. It just can’t. In the personal realm, I think I have proven it is me: 4 completely different men who all (well, save Married Man…we all knew he wasn’t leaving his marriage and I did not want him too) chose other women…who all made a choice to leave me alone, empty and holding the bag. Men who found me beautiful, sexy, intelligent, fun, funny, independent, passionate, a good lover, a good cook…chose to leave me for whatever the hell they ended up with. And I have made my peace with that…I will be the single, somewhat celibate chick who will find happiness with and within herself and say I am single because I have standards and there are no real men. It sounds negative when I put it that way but what am I gonna do? I do have standards and expectations and apparently men who are in for the long haul just aren’t into me.

But the professional? I can deal with an emotional and sexual fast in the personal realm, but I cannot survive a financial famine. And I have NO idea why I am not selected for the positions I have been/am being submitted for. On paper, I am fantastic; in person, I am freshly showered with minimal perfume, subdued lipstick, professionally dressed and I wear my good hair. You don’t know that my idea of on time is 15 minutes late (unless you are super close and metro runs right); I score far above average on the tests and assessments and can answer all the questions, including alternative dating site questions that I am guessing is supposed to give insight into who I am. (For the record, never heard back from that chick either)

I have no idea what to do: UI (unemployment) is running out fast…if I have two weeks left I would be surprised; I AM in possession of two months’ rent (need another $825 to be current) so I guess I should thank God for small favors. BUT…where is my money going to come from? As of right now, I have 3 tentative dates which would cover the remaining rent AND most (not all) of next month’s other bills…but again, no guarantee. One guy’s email keeps spamming me and thinking that is NOT a good sign. Policeman wants me to join his multi-level marketing (MLM) business but I am not a fan of those. First, have to pay in, and the hustle to stay paid? Harder than a 8-5 grind. Not to mention I am a buyer, not a seller and I think they are all scams to keep other people rich.

I am out of steam, schemes and ideas. I thought to distract myself but with what? While I still have love for Prince Charming, no longer like him and definitely no longer interested in him like that so Facebook stalking is out. Besides, been doing it for over a year and the man’s social media content has not changed at all except to say he is no longer a paralawyer. I could go back and forth on whether or not Pudgy wants more but who cares? He is married and while he can make life easier on a semi-regular basis, he cannot change or better my status or circumstances. Just keep coming back and bring your Benjamin Franklins with you.

Even prayer is not working…at least for me in this moment it isn’t. I no longer can go by things unseen: I need tangibles. Not now, but RIGHT NOW. I need a job that is going to pay a decent livable wage so I can get things paid, keep a roof over my head and keep food on my table. I don’t need my chain jerked around with go nowhere interviews…it has been jerked so often, I swear it is 3 inches longer than it was last month. I need God to show me what He is working on, I need to KNOW (not believe) that things are not as bleak as I see them. I am TIRED of tests, trials and lessons…I am ready to see the fruits of my labors and to be able to sleep at night. I am ready for the guillotine over my neck to be lifted so I can breathe again. I am tired of sucking it up, being told it’s going to be okay, that it’s in God’s time, not ours. Guess what? God and I are NOT in the time zone right now and whatever the plan for my life…if this is it, I want off the ride and out the door now. No bullshit. I don’t have the 40 years Job had….hell, if I have 40 days I’m lucky. I’m scared, I’m depressed and I just want it to end.

I honestly have no idea what else to do or to say. This isn’t a pity party…it’s a crisis of faith.

Dreams

It has been a year since we stopped speaking; you checked out emotionally 42 days before that.

Funny, 42 is the number your favorite baseball player of all time wore…this is what thinking about you is like. Broken pieces that no longer fit together to form a cohesive whole.

Punctuated by the random and I cannot bring myself to paint you with the black tar you deserve.

You married her 8 months ago, yet neither can nor will acknowledge it.  Perhaps you do to each other? Is she your only or one of others?

You made me feel as if I were the only one. I felt like a glamourous star of the silver screen back in the Golden Age of Hollywood with you: flowing tresses, blood red lips, sultry eyes.

You made me feel as if I were an innocent, yet sexy child, on the precipice of learning all that was worldly.

The reality is I was just me: slightly awkward, slightly insecure and an amateur thrust in the spotlight on improv night. You were so good at weaving fantasy and illusion into a shiny sparkly cloth.

Yet there was happiness: pure and shining but I now see the vague shadows in the corners.

Unlike Him, you do not pop up at inopportune times; you are constantly with me.

When I bathe, when I dress, when I lay with others….yes, there are others but you are my only.

And that is a lie…I have no only. I have the love I hold for the illusions. I don’t want you to return. I want my illusion back.

People say I stalk you but I don’t…I lurk. I search for clues. Of what I don’t know.

I see the glimpses of white beneath your shirts and I feel the sting of the lies. The garments. I hate them.

They tell more of a truth than the pictures that are posted; they tell me who you are, what you believe. They tell me we can never be and probably never were.

And I wonder are you now living the lie or was I the lie? Because being with you was like a 1000 truths.

I miss them all, the truth and the lies and the realities and the fantasies that were you. That were us.

I feel as if I am being jerked and thrust through life now, like a puppet being maneuvered by an unseen Master; yet I move on, I move forward without you. Because it just feels as if you are still here…you aren’t.

In my dreams, you are there and answering my questions. In dreams, I beat you up and you hold my wrists while kissing my forehead. In dreams, you tell me you understand, you are sorry and I hear your voice break with regret. In my dreams, I never go too far and you appreciate my passion, however it is expressed.  In my dreams, it is I you love.

But when I wake, I lose you all over again. And I realize the knife never left, I am just used to its pain now.

Army Strong

Officially dubbing this PB mess Cornflake Gate. I take full responsibility for it; I was careless, point blank. But I swear, my screw-ups wouldn’t be so epic if folks just do what I ask them to do. Everyone may not think like me, but they damned sure act like me. Pudgy has admitted to reading the email…CL Chat Buddy swears the man was reading it while promising he wouldn’t. He says we are cool and will continue to meet regularly, but he is different and things are awkward. So I wrote a letter of explanation/apology. Maybe I should just leave things the way they are, but I feel very badly about things and regardless of what the man says, this will be something that won’t go away. Honestly, how much longer would you give money to and be intimate with a person who praises you in your face and calls you fat and tells all your business behind your back?

So, a letter has been written, tweaked and revised. The people pleaser in me wrote it… already know the arrangement PB and I have will not last, even if this mishap had not happened. My availability will diminish once I land an assignment; he will find someone new. I just don’t want it to end with either of us having a bad taste in our mouths. The Panel was split on how it was written: some think it is perfect, others think it tells too much. And I see both perspectives…I am either about to scare him off or get in  deeper…either way, it’s a can of worms. However, I have put this man’s business on front street more than once (he has only found out once); guess I am trying to even the score, so to speak. Thinking it will make PB feel that I trust him enough to let him in and if he is falling, it’s okay. I don’t think I told him that much, but because it is my life and I live it (and with it) on a constant basis, I tend to forget how intense it is.

Today’s blog post is going to be about something different (despite how I began it). Going to tell you about my day with God.  No, I was not naked on a hilltop nor at home clutching a rosary reading the Bible. I did not go to church and did not meditate with weird flute music playing. I woke up. That’s it…God took it from there. It started with a private message from Preacher’s Wife who just wanted to tell me I am amazing, strong and loved. You know, she is one person I KNOW God put in my life and has kept her here. She does not know this, but when I first met her (way, way back in the early Island days), I did not like her. She was what I wanted to be: curvy in the right ways in the right places, flawless hair, confident, assured…..normal. Not normal because even on casual days when she would say she looked a mess, she still looked magazine cover ready. She is still all of those things, but because we have a friendship, a sistership…I can now emulate her instead of envying her.

Preacher’s Wife feeds my Spirit, sometimes in indirect ways. She invited me to a Facebook Group called The Breakfast Club and that group is amazing. We are not all friends, but we are all family. They have jokes, encouragement, support, and it is a place where whether you are religious or spiritual or even on the fence…you are welcome. Just know that the members of this group love the Lord and if they cannot express that anyplace else, they can do that in the group. The Breakfast Club offers a prayer line Monday-Friday at 12noon that is open to all in need (302-202-1108 code: 236698) that I never miss. It helps me, a lot.

So after reading such a wonderful message (which I needed to hear…doing my best to keep funk and frustration away), I decided to post a prayer in the group. I had a job interview that morning and really was defeated before I even started out, but speaking what I felt in my heart was cathartic and I left out for the interview in a much better mood. And the interview was…not sure if it was mind blowing or eye opening. It started with the receptionist knowing my name and the interviewer apologizing for keeping me waiting when she showed up 10 minutes later. No interviewer ever apologizes…you just wait for them to finish whatever was more important than jerking your chain.

The interviewer was…normal. Short, stout, Native American, regular clothes (no heels or power suits or fake smiles) and a pencil stuck in her hair…and she was the OWNER of the agency. She warned me I would not be ready for the interview as she asked unconventional questions and if I were uncomfortable, tell her so. She got the particulars of the assignment out the way first and then came the questions. She asked totally unconventional questions: what would my enemies say about me (I would not know as we don’t talk), what animal spirit is inside of me (butterfly because they are beautiful, free and bring peace and happiness), describe myself in one word (lively), how would my friends describe me in 3 words (I was going to say crazy as hell but went with nice, kind and stubborn) and my biggest failures personally and professionally. I told her they were one and the same: I give my all, do my best and do it well…it lasts longer than I expect it to but at the end of the day, no one wants to seal the deal with me permanently.

And here is where God stepped in again….that woman looked me in my eyes and said I have been unequally yoked. (She actually said that) That I fall faster and further than the other party and give so much so freely, I tend to get taken for granted. When I am equally yoked, the deal will be sealed. Permanently. When I could speak, I asked her did that go for the job too. For the first time in a very long time, I left an interview feeling hopeful (even if I don’t get the job) and not like one of many used to meet a quota. Of course I came home and told my Panel and The Breakfast Club all about it. The peace, contentment and love I felt that day was incredible. The hope I was filled with, the knowing I was not alone was incredible…and it started with an unexpected good morning that came from an angel.

I hear so much that I am strong, but I am not. I manage through my pain (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) because the only other choice is to give up. Giving up is not an option. Giving up means suicide and I am too much of a coward for that. Giving up means relapsing into drugs and drink…I can’t handle that battle any longer. I would rather deal with death. I wake up every.day thinking I am doing it all wrong, that I am supposed to be in a better position overall in life, have a better (at least bigger) apartment, have a better handle on things emotionally. I wonder if my happy has run out and I laugh and make jokes because if I don’t I would drown in my tears. Yeah, I have been through stuff but we all have. I believe we are all headed to the same destination but our paths are a combination of our choices and what our Higher Power has for us and us alone to see and experience.

Any semblance of strength you see in me, it is because of whom I have chosen to surround myself with. They are the strong ones: the members of The Breakfast Club (hereafter known as the Army)  who despite their circumstances choose to focus on the good, the blessings and hold on tighter than their faith. They don’t tell what they are going through…they tell how they got through it. My Panel, who makes decisions all the time to push forward, be positive and stick to achieving their happiness. They make mistakes, they have been hurt. They choose to enjoy the ride anyway. Me, I am a chick who has been treated so horribly I have no idea how to react/respond when someone shows me kindness, caring and niceness. I fall back into old behaviors that are no more than band-aids and go for fully trusting folks only to wind up shutting everyone out. I want to be like the people I talk to and share with and who saw fit to befriend me: I want to fall forward into the unknown and have the faith and trust to know that I won’t fall…I will fly. I want to be the recipient of miracles that come from letting wounds heal, where I am not a prisoner to the people pleaser tendencies.   I want to live in the moment and plan for the future; I have been saying forever that I need to work on my spiritual needs and I have done bits here and there but I need to do more. Fix the inside (ALL of the inside) and the outside falls into place. For now, I can still stand on my own but I need my Army and my Panel to lean on sometimes. I promise to do the same for them.

Okay, going to wrap this up…I was having breakfast for dinner but burned half the bacon…gonna eat it anyway. Check back soon for new posts and updates and I leave you with this question: if you tell someone no naked butts on your bed, why would they sit their naked butt on your bed to put on their underwear?  As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Peanut Butter

This post is NOT about peanut butter (although I find it yummy and it is a good thing for Dottie to have)…it is about the Pudgy Businessman. If you recall, I could think of no other name for the man, but New Mommy and I had shortened him to Pudgy Business, which I further shortened to PB…which we ALL know stands for Peanut Butter. And voila, we have a blog post title.

So before I get into today’s post (which has turned into a mini crisis of sorts…to me at least), I absolutely have to tell you about the phone call I had with Brother Everything. Last I talked to him, domestic bliss was nowhere to be found but he had just signed a 5 year contract with his agency and was part-timing it as an Uber driver. I find myself possibly in need of Uber soon as the silver line on a Sunday schedule is not very appealing, so I called up BE to see how to arrange it so he is my driver. (If I am going to spend the money, why not put it in the pockets of someone I know?) The man was liquored up when he answered the phone and proceeded to tell me that married life was so-so and he had lost.his.job. He would not get into details (all he would say is it is a loooong story) and he was trying to get it back.

While I am uttering sympathetic phrases, I am wracking my brain to find a way to get the true story out of him and somehow missed the direction the conversation took. All I know is he went from saying he was trying to get his job back to saying he wanted me naked on my knees, tits on his thighs doing porno style oral on him before he spread my legs wall to wall and plowed me into next week. I tried to laugh it off and say he was just frustrated but he called me constantly all weekend trying to set up a day/time. (I did not answer, but he left messages) Not sure what that boy is smoking (that was more than liquor talking) but not happening. In addition to not being one to screw my friends’ men/husbands, he has no money. I hope he sobers up really soon. And stops watching so much porn.

So…PB. Most of you know the story of PB. He answered my ad, we have been ongoing and he is overly generous. He tried to turn the tables on me (as if his excesses and indulgences were somehow my fault) when I was following the boundaries and directions he set, then returned again overly generous and somewhat apologetic. Well, things have changed lately and not sure if it means a swan song or if he is falling for me. Weekend Phone Friend, Chef, Tiger and Cuz says he is definitely falling; Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy says who cares as long as I don’t fall…take the money and run. The man has been meeting with me more regularly and we have escalated our routine. PB wants kissing (with tongue…light tongue), PB wants intercourse, PB wants to please me (never an option before) and while he asked what pleased me, like most men, he ignored it. But he tries to make me happy in that department. He wants us to go on a diet/workout regimen together (honor system). He emails just to chat; he puts money in my account so I am not broke between visits, he has set me up with an Uber account so I don’t have to be dependent on cabs and metro and on our last visit….he was so generous I felt I needed to cook him lunch and wash his clothes.

Now, you need to know I like the man…I don’t like the man. He is nice, he is intelligent and we both enjoy history, enjoy the same genres of books and we always have enjoyable conversations. I always have a nice time with him. Not good…nice. I have no sexual attraction to him (I blame my lack of arousal on Dottie), I have no crush on him, I have no desire to lay with him in my bed. Circumstances have made us lovers of sorts, but if I were to label him, friend (preferably platonic)  would be the title.  BUT….

You know I am still emotionally unhealthy (trust me, just because every other word out of my mouth isn’t Prince Charming does not mean the man has gone anywhere in my heart or in my mind) and it is all I can do to hold issues at bay, but for me if a man is paying me tons of attention or tossing cash at me like it is glitter and confetti when the bedroom is not involved…that is showing me he cares and I matter to him. I am maybe two overly generous visits away from calling the man my boyfriend.  You know how folks say common courtesy and genuine niceness is so rare, folks mistake it for flirting or feelings? I am who they had in mind when they said that. Which is why a relationship or anything that has ANYTHING that can be construed as emotional or substantive is NOT for me right now. Still healing, still learning, still too vulnerable. I am okay with that and I am finding my solitude punctuated by the occasional “date” is fine by me.  Not trying to people please my way into a relationship…been there, done that and no one benefitted long term from that.

Well, I was having a talk with my CL Chat Buddy…rarely do I mention him but he and I have been chatting since the end days of the Him Healing Process. CL Chat Buddy was the one who told me from the very beginning Prince Charming was a froot loop dingus who would hurt me. He has been helping with the job search and he’s a good guy. So I told him about PB….basically the backstory and my theory that the man was falling for me….and sent the email to PB! (Dear God, kill me….kill me now) No idea how it happened…as Cuz put it, I fucked up cornflakes and all you have to do with them is pour milk on them. Well, I freaked out but had the presence of mind to send a follow up email AND text to PB telling him I sent him an email in error and to PRETTY PLEASE delete without reading. I get an email back saying no problem. I then called the Panel to tell them what I did….all I got back was: you can bet your sweet ass he read it.

 I freaked because not only do I not want to lose out on the generosity just yet, I also do not want PB hurt or angry because I am speaking honestly. People say they want truth and honesty, but most cannot handle it. It is not that I want a relationship with PB (I don’t) but I don’t want him wanting one with me but of course you can’t bring this up with financials on the table…financials are supposed to keep things like this at bay. But sex changes things regardless. Morning Person says it is a testament to my huge heart that as much as I have been hurt, I don’t want others to be. I think PB is a nice guy (morals notwithstanding), he trusts me and he has been awfully good to me lately. I don’t want him to think less of himself or of me. (People pleaser tendencies coming out full force here)

We still don’t know if he read the email or not…I sent him another one to test the waters and he seemed to be himself. He has not mentioned anything. There are backup plans in place just in case…going to make my past work for me and stroke some ego if necessary. We are still unemployed, rent is looming and PB’s increased budget when it comes to me is very much welcome and needed. Not to mention, I like being liked and my customer service reputation is on the line. I may not be the youngest, best looking or skinniest chick out there, but my customer satisfaction rate is 100% on all levels. I guess we will find out soon enough….either he will speak up, fall off the face of the earth or show up smiling, happy and none the wiser.

Well, going to wrap this up…. I have laundry to do as well as show up for another job interview. Fingers crossed on everything! I will be back soon with new posts, so please stay tuned. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!