I think I am suffering from PTSD (Post Travis Stress Disorder)….at my reunion meeting with Pudgy, I asked the man was he a Mormon because he always wore white tee shirts and boxers. I thought they were garments. Pudgy looked at me with a thousand questions on his face and slowly assured me he was NOT Mormon and then told me I was a cutie doll. No questions, no this bitch is crazy for real looks. Just reassurances, compliments and generosity. I’m telling you, Pudgy is about to be the next boyfriend. Not sure how I forgot to tell you guys that bit of information, but hey…now you know. In addition to all my other issues and paranoias regarding men, I now think they are all #SecretMormons.
Want to thank everyone for crossing their fingers….the UI claim went through but it is looking to be the last one. I was approved for 24 weeks and this is claim #24. I am not panicking yet….not sure how to face this without going off the deep end so just staying in the day. Today we are caught up on rent and have money for next month’s other bills and Dottie’s meds; I had a check come, along with some dates including the “spammer” who turned out to be a crossdresser turned on by female facial hair. Curious to see if the DJ is the real deal and shows up. He has been pretty silent since confirming an actual day/time. But, still I need another month’s rent to be able to breathe a little …trust me, I NEED to be able to breathe and not just catch my breath. Which brings me to today’s post and the question of the day.
Do I want to deal with Reliable One/Safety Net? With the right speech, I could get all three months and pocket my current dollars to survive off of…at the very least I could get one month’s rent and any extra dollars that come my way this week will be all mine. But I don’t want to. My time with Reliable One is coming to a close. For real.
Two weeks ago, he finally agrees to meet me for dinner after 6 weeks of ignoring me or canceling last minute. (In an aside, I told you this is how it goes between us. HE complains I only want to see him to get a rent check, but he is never available until it is TIME for me to ask for a rent check) Dinner was awful….not the food nor service as both were superb. It was the company….he looked completely disheveled with unkempt hair, wrinkled and stained shirt that was half in/half out his pants (if you are meeting someone in public, whoever it is…put forth some effort!!), conversation was stilted and he yawned loudly whenever I tried to initiate talk.
Of course I had a voucher because apparently, in addition to no longer paying rent he is also only paying for his meal. A bit miffed at that but as it was pointed out to me by Cuz, we know the man is cheap…he is now starting to be cheap with me. However, my app was not working and RO/SN insisted he NEEDED that voucher. His attention was distracted because a tall BBW (this chick put the BIG in BBW…you know it’s bad when fat chicks call other chicks fat) caught his eye and the man claimed he had to pee 10 times, which meant he passed her table a total of 20 times. He lingered after the check was paid (calimed he wanted to finish his water but his glass was empty) to time our leaving with hers but the worst part of the evening? He shared his fruit plate with me and the fruit had been soaked in Grand Marnier. When I went off on him for jeopardizing my sobriety/recovery (it was loaded in alcohol, I think the fruit was fermenting), his response was an unapologetic “sorry”.
It wasn’t always like this. When I first met Reliable One, I was in my infancy with the online dating thing and nowhere near as internet savvy as I am now. RO was a strange duck from the beginning. One of his first questions to me was to ask my shoe size. I didn’t know any better…thought it was a routine question: what color are your eyes? What do you do for a living? What size shoes do you wear? So I told him and on our first date (Daily Grill in Tysons), the man brought me not one, but two pairs of shoes. Most guys bring flowers, candy or order a nice wine for the table…Reliable One brought shoes. From Nordstrom Rack. Oh, he wasn’t done there….the man told me maybe three sentences into the conversation that he was a commitment-phobe; yet he answered my dating profile. I decided to go with it and at least enjoy the free meal and new shoes. But then he told me he had googled me! I know I am a stalker and have utilized google for more than what shade of lipstick Annalise Keating is wearing in How to Get Away with Murder, but you NEVER tell folks you have googled them! You just don’t.
But, we continued to see each other…he said I was his dream woman come to life; as for me, it was nice to have attention showered on me and to have a man with the means and time (once he cleared it with mommy) to take me to upscale restaurants. Not sure what his dreams were for us: he talked a lot about wanting children and how he could see himself waking up to me everyday. But, I could see nothing with Reliable One. He had never left his mother’s house…never. He has been with his mama since the day he was conceived; he didn’t travel a lot and no desire to since his mother could not travel far distances. He cannot cook, he has no bills (save his credit card) and no sense of responsibility (rich coming from me). He hates to spend money (the man makes a 6 figure income and has assets and investments in the figure range), not a fan of museums and falls asleep in movies and on TV programs. But, he adored me and even though he complained (and once got called out on his lousy tipping) and would eat his food and half of mine (I once stabbed his hand with a fork over it), he took me to any restaurant I wanted.
There were presents also: perfumes, my flat screen TV, a Bose sound system (nothing huge but still…Bose) and when I worked for the Judges, he would buy my lunch and deliver it to me in the office. He never asked for sex from me and believe me, I offered. I think I made him feel inadequate because in addition to sexual dysfunction, I once tried to give him a handjob but hard to call it that when all I needed was thumb and forefinger. After that, we kinda left sex off the table. Not sure when he started paying the rent but going to say back in 2009 when I had a stretch of unemployment similar to this one. I didn’t ask…I was venting about it to him and wondering where I could and would go…and he offered. Still pissed at myself for not saving my dollars when I had them while he paid my rent, but I swear I never thought he would continue to offer to pay it…even when months turned into years. You just don’t think someone you are not dating or having intimate relations with is just going to DO for you….and keep doing.
The change with us has been about a year in the making…since Dottie’s arrival and his mother’s health issues. Going to start with Dottie: I am beginning to resent RO because he doesn’t get it when it comes to diabetes. Not asking him to understand it…I still don’t understand it and what damage it does to me but all you need to know is that I have to control my sugar and carb intake, exercise/lose weight and try not to get so stressed to the point I spazz out. So ordering me a full sugar soda and two desserts at dinner is not getting it. Thinking diabetes is contagious is not getting it. In fact, since the weight loss, he has not gotten a lot of stuff…liquor soaked fruit when you KNOW about my addiction/recovery is a prime example. And on his end…all I have to do is stay fat and helpless…but Dottie is bringing weight loss and Prince Charming brought a distrust and what do I have to lose attitude. No winners here, folks.
His mother…she is 96 and has dementia. She can still walk but it is not recommended as she is prone to constant falling. She is not the mother he has known and loved and she needs to be somewhere where she can get proper treatment and social engagement. And Reliable One knows this. However, he keeps her in the house, in the bed where she is tended to by underqualified, broken English speaking ladies who keep her in bed, feeding her soup and watching whatever is on the television. He says he doesn’t want to let her go (not even to assisted living) because he needs her with him…and I can relate to a degree but if she is no longer your mother (the one you had to ask if you could stay out past 8pm on our third date), what’s the point?
So thinking his giving me the rent is now a form of control for him; that, or he has been busted because he takes the money from a joint account he has with his mama…which tells me that it’s her money keeping the roof over my head. I don’t know but it feels as if we have both started taking each other for granted and I tried so hard not to do that or go there with Reliable One. I KNOW he did not nor does not have to pay one dime for a home he never steps foot in which is why I started grouponing dinners with/for him and steered clear of five star restaurants. I used to call him on weekends and email with him during the day, but his time for me outside of check writing dwindled until he is simply not available until it is time to write a check. And he thinks I only want him for the check and expects me to grovel, beg and cry to get it now. Don’t get me wrong, I have. I have begged, bullied, sweet talked….all because I gave someone that much power that they can dictate whether I can meet the rent. Since the dinner, Reliable One and I have not spoken but in the past week, he has taken to posting on my social media page; he only posts to get my attention or to get me to pay him attention. Strange he only posts on my wall when he knows a check is due and I have not asked him for it yet.
So, I am in the process of taking back control of my life but now circumstances have me not quite in a bind but something needs to give and I am wondering if it is even worth it to run back to a torn and tattered Safety Net. The Panel is split: some say why not, especially since I am not in dire need; some say rebuild the friendship and work on future payments and others say drop Reliable One and start laying the groundwork and building a stronger relationship so I have better and greater chances to win the Pudgy Powerball. Really, it all depends on what I am able to accomplish with the job search and the dates along with what I am willing to put up with, so we’ll see.
Okay, this post is longer than I thought it would be and took longer than I thought to write (thanks, nervous breakdown and dark day depression) so going to wrap it up now. It is cold, it is snowing and the plan today is to eat food, watch the dvr and wear no clothes. At some point, I am really going to need to leave the house….I have not been out since February 16th but hoping to get fresh air and sunshine over the weekend. We’ll see how that works out.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!