Happy 2015, Lovebugs!!! I hope however you welcomed the New Year, you had fun doing so. In the past, I have ushered in the New Year in church, a comedy club and sleeping. I have had exactly one NYE kiss. For 2015, I went out to the soft opening of a Busboys & Poets with Downstairs Neighbor…it was different and probably would have been so much more fun were I not coming down with a cold and my neuropathy wasn’t acting up, but I was with a friend, surrounded by new people in a new environment. And I loved the fact that New Year’s Day was sunny and clear…I said God approved of my plan and was giving the green light for this year to be the game changer I am hoping it to be.
Of course it would not be me if there weren’t a WTF story to go along with this. The only thing surprising about 2015 starting off with the same craziness that has followed me the past 5 years is the fact it started at 3 minutes after midnight : a responder to my ad (dude who turned out to be a dud…and a flaky one at that) texted me Happy New Year…I texted back the same. He then texted: I love you, tell me you love me. I ignored him. Then he came back with I was an uppity bitch; after all, he only wished me Happy New Year. I blocked him. The man was a combination of drunk and crazy…no time for that. It’s 2015.
Now here is something you are going to love…2014 ended with a futile attempt by me to attempt to meet a member of the opposite sex. I answered his ad on Craigslist (I know, I know) seeking company for a light dinner and movie. This was on December 29th….I heard nothing back and did not think any more about it. I have no time for flakiness or busy; the man responds NYE. Naturally his excuse was he was too busy to respond but he would like to meet Friday evening in Cleveland Park. I am thinking: why not? and we chatted some New Year’s evening to get acquainted….and the man is so desperately lonely, it scares me. He is calling me a beautiful goddess, I am the one he has been searching for, he wants our hearts to beat as one and he wants us to work and cook together in the kitchen for our blended families. I told him to slow his roll and I am not looking for that. THEN he says that it would be best if we had no expectations when we meet….and all I can think is: YOU are the ONLY one with an expectation of anything. At first, I wondered if this is how men are when they meet their one…the one they see themselves with for a lifetime and I don’t recognize it because I was never lifetime material for someone. But no…he is just lonely with a dash of authentic batshit crazy…but I met with him after he agreed to put the crazy on hold and had a really pleasant evening eating BBQ and watching The Imitation Game.
In my first chapter of 2015, I am detoxing. Not from any particular person or incident…I have a LOT of toxins in my emotional psyche that has built up over the years. I am filled with the lies, mistreatment and disrespect from men I had genuine feelings for and it is no longer enough to accept that or to try to get over it/move past it. I need it purged from my life if I am to create a new environment, and creating a new environment is more than changing the four walls I live in. I need to be able to give everyone their fair chance should they approach me with sanity and respect…but the toxins won’t let me. I should not have to shut myself down or cut myself off when things go south, and I definitely should not be feeling guilty when I make decisions that are for my own good. The detox will empty the negativity and make room for the light and magic I know still exists. The best part of this detox is I don’t have to do anything except realize I do not and never did deserve such fuckery and it no longer has to happen again.
I can take on the forgetting part when it comes to forgiving and forgetting…for me, it means forgetting the men who hurt me, which is fine by me. This is the year (as part of my purpose) I wipe the slate clean…hell, I may just trash my slate and buy a brand new one…one untouched by anyone. I want a new environment all the way around and no more emotional clutter. The emotional shutdown that followed PC’s abrupt departure has definitely helped with the pieces falling into place as to how I can get back to living my life…the life I lived before the hurt, betrayals and fiascoes. I am no longer searching for contentment or for someone complete me/fill the voids…I am going to claim peace and happiness, and there is simply no room for crazy, deceit, “busy” and drama.
Reliable One/Safety Net is on the list to be forgotten…I don’t understand the man any longer but I am guessing he cannot handle his position of power. So we all know how he made me jump through hoops and berated me for only reaching out when I needed money…and how I countered with the man only wanting to see me when he knew a rescue was needed. Well, over the holiday break (where he was named Acting Supervisor because he was the only one in the office) I called him at work…Christmas Eve to be specific. I wished him and his family a very Merry Christmas and we talked for a minute. He wanted to know was I willing to groupon a dinner…I told him I had no more groupons (I do, but they are for small amounts…basically enough for one person and Reliable One likes groupons that take significant amounts off a bill)…then he said he had to go and would call me Christmas Day. And I have not heard from him since….not on Christmas Day, not at all during New Year’s Week….so my argument/question to the man is this: do you only want to see me when I can basically pay for dinner? I know why I do it when I ask for the rent check (cannot have you paying for a decent meal AND write the check) but is this when and why you want to see me? Because if it is, you are the same person you accuse me of being. I am done making efforts and putting forth initiatives when you I KEEP seeing the same results and not going to allow anyone to guilt me for doing to them what they are doing to me.
I know this must sound like a rant but it isn’t…it is me realizing just how sick and tired I am of being sick and tired. It is me realizing that constantly getting the shit end of the stick or ending up the side chick and bad guy is not my lot in life. This is me taking control of my life and doing the work necessary to create new chapters…unblemished, untarnished chapters. As Nina Simone sang: “it’s a new dawn, it’s a day, it’s a new life for me….and I’m feelin’ good.” For the first time in a long time, I am not heartbroken; I am not getting over or getting by (at least emotionally)…true there is still too much fondness and caring for Prince Charming, but that is what the detox is for. For the first time maybe ever, I am not hoping and wishing and praying for a man or a relationship…all I want this year is to manifest the New Me and have her end the year in her new environment: physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
I really hope you all can see the positive in this post because I am feeling really positive and excited about the direction the process is leading me in. I am looking forward to the change I am going to be bring about this year. For the first time EVER, the focus is ME. Planning on spending the first weekend of 2015 resting, searching for a new house/new neighborhood (someone snatched up Dusty Lane!) and making a list of recruiters I need to call Monday to follow up on potential/submitted assignments. Time to get this show on the road, folks! Hope you stick around to see what happens this year.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!