Turning the Page

Dear 2014:

I am ready for you to go. Not kidding. After the happiness, contentment and sense of belonging that I felt throughout 2013, you were quite the shock to the system. Oh, I know for a lot of folks you were a long awaited season of breakthroughs and blessings: pregnancies, marriages, new jobs/better jobs, new homes, pure happiness, new loves, and all things great and wonderful. Unfortunately, I am not among those people…I got the sucky end of the spectrum. Not saying you sucked all the time, but you sucked hard enough and often enough, I really felt like I could not get a break.

You began with the revelation that Prince Charming was a liar, a cheater and leading a double life. I fought against that for at least the first 6 weeks of our time together and to this day, will still find reasons and justifications for the man’s behavior, mainly because 2013 showed me that someone who I fell for could and would actually want to fall for me. But, nooo…2014 was not having that…you were determined to show me who the man really was…forget what 2013 presented to me, I had to see and know who he ended being. Who he really was.

And you weren’t done there…heartbreak wasn’t enough and apparently it is never too early to add insult to injury. During my last argument with Prince Charming (hell, our last give and take communication) you had to announce Dottie’s arrival in a most unceremonious way, and you did so with perfect timing to show me just how toxic PC was to me….I still say (as do some Panel members) that the man caused me to have a stroke. So now in addition to heartbreak, I have to deal with and manage an illness.

So let’s see: you have so far wreaked havoc in my personal life and with my physical/medical…why not move on to the professional? You brought the Sherriff to town and I knew when I saw him he was going to be a game-changer…and he was. Granted, the man was not all bad…he dealt with my convoluted sense of time, he overlooked my outbursts and paid no attention to the Incident but the man could not deal with my straight shooting and while I could put up with his indifference (towards me at least) and sneakiness, I couldn’t let his passive aggressive insinuations about my ability to do my job and do it well pass by. We parted ways; I would like to think with grace and friendliness but he wasn’t there when he pushed my exit date up four days.

But, you replaced the financial aspect of an assignment rather quickly and while I was bored to death without my friends/team and being able to interact with people on a constant basis I was able to pay bills and shop. Until it went away at the worst possible moment (still not angry about that) and I found myself wasting my time with recruiters whose job I could do better than they could. And I wasn’t too worried because I had a safety net…until you went and found a pair of scissors to cut strategic holes in it and had me scrambling for a lifeboat

I am dubbing you the Year of Lessons Learned because that it was what you were. It is as if all the previous years that sucked got together and decided that 2014 would be the Year I learned, and if it had to be the hard way, so be it. It has been a hard, tough and sucky time with you. You have made me cry and too many times I wanted to just give up completely. Not saying I wanted to kill myself but I no longer wanted to be here…because of you. 2014, you continuously threw hard lessons at me BUT this year has changed who I am inside and out. And when I think back on it, deeply and objectively…maybe I don’t want you to leave.

Because of you, I have confidence and self-esteem back; I can look at the men I was ready to commit myself mind, body and soul to and see that they weren’t for me. They weren’t strong enough, decisive enough and did not have the character I thought they did. I see it is not me and never was me…their choices (a big tittied hooker and a high mileage border jumper) show me what they are capable of handling….and they way they are treating them/being treated by them tells me even more.

Because of 2014, I know better how to conduct myself with decorum, discretion and professionalism in an office…okay, that is a lie but I do know better how to deal with management. I know that in my safety net I had a blessing and a gift that I did not know how to respect and use to my advantage (in a positive way) and because of Dottie, I am learning more and more every day to both appreciate and respect my body and what I put into it.

Because of 2014, I am losing weight and gaining self everythings; I am seeing and learning the woman I am becoming…the woman I was meant to be all along. Strong, sexy and classy. A woman who is tired of settling for less than and the transient when it comes to men; a woman who wants and needs to be recognized for her hard work and efforts…I don’t mind being passed over but don’t belittle me in the process. A woman who has her own and actually wants to be responsible for it. A woman ready to take control of her life and face life and whatever it has with courage and a sense of adventure. A woman ready to break out of her comfort zone and start fresh.

I know you have to go 2014, but you have laid the groundwork to make 2015 the Year of Purpose. You were a hard a task master but you taught me well. Dare I say….I’ll miss you.


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