Growing Thin


The title of today’s post covers thin in a lot of ways: thin skin, patience wearing thin and a long held myth regarding being/ getting skinny but first I want to say I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. Mine was really, really good….I swear, there is nothing like your parents’ cooking, I don’t care how old you are or how well you can cook. There is just so much yummylicious goodness in a plate of your parents’ cooking. For real.

A lot of things made my favorite holiday amazing this year and one of them was the fact I am now officially reunited with both Morning Person and Cuz. I reached out to them with an email wishing them a good holiday and both responded…it was tentative on both ends for about two emails but then it switched to phone and we cleared things up, got caught up and all is right in Friendship Land for now. The other thing (aside from lots of Mommy love and Daddy’s cooking) was that my Baby Sister got married!!! It was a small, simple ceremony but very nice and she is soooo happy! True, they are the original Harpo and Sophia (pray for them!)  but it is proof positive that dreams do come true.

And that is where I got thin-skinned…I don’t talk about my siblings a lot (they are not very social media friendly and think I have a kajillion readers who somehow all know them) but they are awesome and doing wonderful things. Getting married, travelling the world, buying homes, tenure at jobs….and then there is me. A temp with no assignment, a studio apartment she cannot keep up rent payments on (but an incredible wardrobe and movie and book collection) and horrible luck with men…not even a vision of one on the horizon…and I felt like the Failure Child. You know the one I am talking about…the one when parents go to brag of their children’s achievements, they say: “oh, she’s doing well”. Because she ain’t doing shit else. But I have snapped out of it…I am a fighter who has been knocked down a LOT of times in life but still here to tell the story. We all have our own paths, everything comes in its time not mine and as long as I am alive and sober, there’s nothing I won’t achieve. First up: a rent check.

My patience is wearing thin with this job search…getting mighty tired of these agencies waking me up, telling me I am perfect for such and such assignment, rushing me to send them this and that and come in for an interview because time is of.the.essence. and then….nothing. And here I thought addicts were the rudest folks around. Did I tell you all my job at the Island is open and that I applied for it? Artsy Craftsy and Morning Person were a little concerned at first but this has nothing to do with Him (I couldn’t care less, but Him may still have some lingering whatevers) and everything to do with a steady, livable wage income coming in. It is a job I did for 4 years and not there to get all up in Him’s business (don’t even plan on telling folks about his wife’s bra and panty profile pic)…I am there to do my job and collect my check. Period.  However, have not heard back yet. So, relocation is back on the table…applying to jobs in Raleigh, NC and looking at some in Seattle…for the first time in my life, I am looking for a change. Not worried about how I will get there or what will happen if I do go to a new city…all I need to do is get the job. The rest will fall into place.

The third thin…I am looking amazing! (Have I told you all that?) More importantly, I am FEELING amazing and not just in a healthy way but in an empowering way. Not sure if it is the weight loss, the lessons learned or a combination of the two but I just don’t have time for stupid men (and at this point, they are all stupid). This past week has shown me just how much I have moved on from who I used to be, that I am not in the mood for people pleasing and that I am not as lonely as I think I am.

Remember me bitching about the Pudgy Businessman who changed the rules in the middle of the game without telling me? He reached out the day before my holiday travels saying his schedule has been so hectic but he wanted to see me….and as badly as I needed that money, I told him I was busy and had no time. Yeah, the money is helpful but the way he carried things….I don’t need that. I don’t have a pimp or a drug habit to support…I have choices today and I chose to stand my ground and keep my dignity intact. Then he said he felt guilty about things and asked if he could put $200 in my account. Sure you can, please and thank you. And I feel no obligation to do a damned thing for it.

Oh, that’s not all. I got a text message today from a guy I met on CL YEARS ago who wanted me to remember him. He bombarded me with texts about how great things were with us and sent me pictures of himself because it was just that important I remember him. But I don’t. At all. Which tells me how great things were…then he claimed to be so hurt that I could forget him so easily. For real, dude? I am just like: what is WRONG with you? Two years he felt no need to talk, reach out or contact me and I am the bad guy who hurt him?

But wait, there’s more! Last week I got an email from a guy I used to mess around with years ago. I mean, it was before Him, that is how long ago it was. He wanted to know if I wanted to hook up again…and I felt nothing but incredulity. Years have passed…YEARS….and because your dick is hard and you are cheap, you think I am supposed to jump up, remember you and say “SURE!”? Was I that easy and needy? Or are they still stuck? Probably both, but I have grown. I have been happy and heartbroken several times over, I have learned and I have moved on. I am not that chick any longer. I no longer have time for being used, their flakiness or to be pulled off the shelf years later. By anyone.

You know, they say once a person loses weight, the quality of person they meet changes, but I think that is a lie. I am not attracting better men…I have the past chasing me down. I think what happens is the quality of YOU changes and you know what you are worthy of and deserve. Of course, when one has healthy levels of esteem, worth and confidence, you have that regardless of what the scales say. That was never me, small or large but I am learning and gaining while getting thin and I would rather have the man who sees me, not the packaging. I had that for a little while…now to find the man who wants the long haul relationship. That may take awhile…hope you stick around for that.

Okay, time to clean this apartment, find food, fight this cold and procrastinate on the laundry. I will be back soon with new posts…as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

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