Without a Net

Going to begin this post by telling you Lovebugs about my weekend visitor. I was awakened by a ringing phone Saturday morning and on the other end of the line was….BROTHER EVERYTHING! I think I would have been less surprised to hear MG’s voice on the other end. BE wanted to know if he could swing by and use my bathroom…and we all know if a man needs to come inside to use the bathroom what THAT means…and you know how I feel about it. But, he and Sister Someone are ALWAYS a trainwreck and I am always in the mood for other people’s drama and juicy gossip. So I said okay….it did not require brushing of teeth, showering or even getting out of bed but I did brush my hair.

Pretty much life is going the way I envisioned going for these two: constant arguments, NO housework being done AT ALL, BE getting drunker, Sister Someone getting bigger and a dwindling sex life. According to Brother Everything it has gotten to where he has offered Sister Someone two choices: he will cheat or divorce her. She is just looking at him like…prove it. Which leads me to today’s post….

Life is a combination of the sensational and the sucky. Sometimes it seems one gets only one or the other and usually too much of the sucky and not enough of the sensational, but honestly…it is usually a fair balance of each all the time. It is just what you choose to focus on. I am choosing to focus on the real…that way I can see both sides and try to figure out just what to do.

First, for all who are wondering about my health…Dottie is doing well….she is enjoying the sleeping in, the midday naps and eating at random times. I am not exercising her as much as I should but she doesn’t mind. She eats a LOT though….seriously, she is always hungry…yet I am losing weight. I am being called SKINNY (I am not though…still fat. Just not AS fat) and I have to say, I am over half the chick I used to be. Back in the Married Man and Him days, I looked like I ate Jabba the Hut and his entire family; for AFO and Prince Charming, I had lost quite a bit but there was PLENTY of cushion for the pushin’. But post-PC, I am looking AMAZING and there is nothing like the confidence one has when they KNOW they are looking amazing. Which brings me to the biggest change in me….

I am single. There is no more Prince Charming to pay attention to me, to validate me, to make me happy, laugh and smile. There is no emotional safety net…no knowing that there is someone who’s thinking of me, surrounding me with love and care.  It is still hard to believe that this time last year, we were incredibly happy and at least one of us was in love and the other in deep like. And I am (almost) just as happy without PC around as I was with him around. Because I no longer have to wonder what his crazy is, I no longer have to wonder if I am pleasing him, am I making him happy or how fat I am and what DOES he see in me. I can just be….ME. I no longer need PC or any man to validate me, I no longer have to jump through hoops, and I no longer have to put up with lies, half-truths or pretend to be dumber than the man. (Please note, not all of this happened with/during PC but I tend to do most if not all of these with any man)

I will never forget PC told me I had a strong attitude (how Mormons call people “bitches”) and at first I felt hurt he would say that. But, I guess I am a bitch. Oh, still all things positive, great and wonderful but contrary to popular belief, I do know when to stnd up for myself. Not my fault weak men cannot handle a strong woman who sees through the bullshit and calls them on it. It does take me a minute to get there though. See, I accommodate men for a lot of reasons but the biggest reason is to hold onto my emotional safety net…which they end up yanking anyway. So why should I change, compromise and accommodate and become who they want me to be just to still end up the side piece and the bad guy? So I am being me….strong, not forgoing what I want to keep a man who cannot appreciate ONE DAMNED THING I do for him. And no, not bitter but if I am lying, please tell me. So yeah, no compromising or accommodating until HE proves his worthiness…I can afford to do this today…embracing my bitchiness and no longer worried about the emotional safety net they provide because I will be providing my own.

I am also without a net financially…and that is my fault.  I owe three months’ rent and I don’t have it. At all. Reliable One has been doing for me and paying my rent for a long, long time because I just have no grasp of budgeting when I do have money and am pretty fiscally irresponsible. Once upon a time, I could pay all my bills by myself but I got used to the safety net. I got used to knowing that someone else could and would pick up my slack. And now Reliable One has stated he is out of the supporting and safety net business. Which leaves me up the creek without a paddle.

I have a stall tactic (which may buy me 30 days)  and a couple of vague, nebulous plans but no responses to the ads (and even in the face of possible eviction, all I can feel is relief at that because I really don’t have the patience or efforts left to deal with idiot men) and while I have been submitted to assignments, nothing definite yet. I did start a Go Fund Me page but not sure how that is going to work…I need to post it on social media to get funding but no way am I posting it for friends and family to see. (Going to have to swear Pink to complete secrecy here…trust me on this one, been here 11 years and not leaving until I am ready to go).Pride may cometh before a fall but not wanting those folks all up in my business like that…besides, my circle may be prettier, smarter and luckier in love than I am but financially…we are all in the same boat. We are all keeping our heads above water. Thinking of posting a random picture of one of the wheelchair bound deaf folks in the neighborhood and saying the cause is an electric wheelchair or something. I am not above lying to tug at the heartstrings.

However, choosing to look at this as a test from God…my faith and strength and possibly patience are being evaluated when there is no one in the situation but me and my Higher Power. I have not given in to despair yet and while there is some dread and how the hell am I getting out of this shit? going on, not in full panic mode. Tell you what, when I come out on the other side of this, bet I learn some budgeting skills then. I do have income coming in and even though my landlord shows up every 3-4 months, I can no longer use that as an excuse for falling behind. Rent is due EVERY month…set it aside, Robin!

And this is what has been going on…losing weight, job searching, possibly defrauding the general public at large and being a fabulous, single bitch who may or may not be evicted come 2015. This will more than likely be my last post until after Thanksgiving so wishing all you Lovebugs a wonderful, blessed, safe and Happy Thanksgiving!! I will be spending mine with my parents and siblings (pray for us….please!) and I plan to quiet the thoughts, laugh a lot and create new memories with my family. Plenty of time after the weekend to get back in the game and formulate a plan.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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