Final Exams

I was once told I am the woman who will grow more beautiful the older I get. I think I get prettier with every breakup I manage to survive. Not kidding…I am looking over pictures of myself and I swear, after every breakup I look prettier and better. And now with Dottie in the picture and me trying to take control of her, I am eating healthier and less so there is a weight loss evolution going on….I am looking AMAZING. Quite sure it doesn’t work for everyone, but being sick and heartbroken is doing wonderful things for my looks and figure. I figure in about 5 years, I’ll be looking like Jayne Kennedy in her heyday.

Today going to talk about the lessons learned (so far…there may be more) from this process. I am over the worst of it and as usual….so glad to be in this space and place. There is residual sadness and it stings instead of hurts, but ready to move forward even more with my life. Already I am curious about who the next guy will be and what crazy he will have and will the happiness quotient really be higher. And more than ready to apply new lessons…the lessons learned this time around…they seem so simple I am almost pissed at myself for not realizing them 2 men back. But one cannot control grief nor can one anticipate the depth of pain and hurt they will endure.

First lesson learned: hate the hate. Hating Prince Charming did nothing but prevent me from loving another including myself. Of course it was natural in the beginning stages of the hurt, pain and anger to hate PC….after all, he is the horrible person who ripped my heart out of my chest, the killer of hopes, dreams and promises…just when my emotional investment level was well over 90%.  (At one point it was over 100% but then he started acting flaky) But I couldn’t keep on hating him….it was exhausting and it blocked me, because Prince Charming began equating all men. Ergo, all men were liars and cheaters and idiotic and after only ONE THING…simply #becausemen. Not saying I am ready to get back out there and give everyone their fair chance…I’m not. I am still emotionally shutdown and do not have the healthy emotional boundaries in place. I still do not trust my judgment and it is best to heal over completely. This time around, I am content to let the process take all the time it needs….I will move on with the physical when it’s time. Right now, being emotionally okay is all I ask.

I no longer hate Prince Charming…in fact, I still have love and care for him. And why not? He showed me that I have worth and value beyond the sexual and the physical; he taught me to love my flaws and to be comfortable with myself; he made me see that I matter. He believed in me whether it was in me overcoming my past or being able to actually handle extra responsibilities at work. He found me funny, fascinating, beautiful and made me want to curse less. With PC, I knew what it was like to fully trust someone. Before he revealed who he really was, he made me want to be a better person. It no longer matters he broke my heart, proved to be a false friend and abandoned ship when I had my medical emergency.  I hope he has found his happily ever after and I hope he is being a real man, husband and father. No, I am not crazy for real nor am I hopeful for some sort of true love reconciliation. I have simply accepted the entire situation and in my acceptance, not wishing hurt or pain on the other players in this drama. I want us ALL to end up happy with ourselves and with someone special with whom we can give and receive like, love and lust….I just know we won’t find that with each other…and that’s okay today.

I have learned that progress comes in small steps. I thought I had my walls and guards up so securely when Prince Charming came on the scene and perhaps I did….but he wanted to talk to me, get to know me and again….when I first saw him, he was an answer to about 10,000 prayers. On the surface. (I am reminded of a saying: the Devil doesn’t show up wearing horns and a tail…he comes disguised as everything you ever wanted) He knew what to say to deflect the trust issues, to quiet the voices in my head (note: not all voices in your head are telling you to do random, crazy shit) and to put me at ease. But all they were, were words….minimal action. Unless you count the control issues. And at that time, words were fine…I was coming off both Him and AFO, so ANY man who would talk to me on a regular basis was already ahead of the game.

I did think the attention was a bit much (THAT’S how much attention he was giving me because we all know I am a greedy little piggy when it comes to attention)….it would make my head spin. But I put it down to him being lonely, starved for adult conversation and us being soul mates instead of it being an indicator of emotional unhealthiness, possible mental illness and needing to control my every move and action. I am such a silly girl. And I learned two lessons from this: I need someone who knows the balance between giving no attention and overdosing me with it. I need someone who can achieve that healthy balance of us being a part of each other’s lives (and not a small part either!) without being each other’s lives. The second lesson: the next guy will have to put forth actions and efforts. Words won’t cut it anymore.

The biggest lesson learned here was in front of my face the entire time and I kept overlooking it or dancing around it. Why Prince Charming did what he did, we may never know. It could be he is a cold, callous player; it could be cowardice; maybe it’s guilt. Maybe he fell as hard as I did and just could not face me with the truth. Or what about he suddenly remembered he was a GOOD Mormon (this actually defaulted to Moron….I thought about keeping it that way) with a fiancée and ready-made family; after all, here is a chance to get into Temple AND wear the garments…all the rage among GOOD Mormons. Who knows, who cares? The point is, whatever the reason….PC made a choice to hurt me. Every.Time. Even if I misread every signal , every text, every phone conversation between us…even if I misread the sex and sexual content….he had a CHOICE to remove my rose colored glasses and tell me he was a GOOD Mormon with plans that did not include me. When I threw the truth in his face…he had a CHOICE to confirm or deny. And every.time. he chose to hurt me. It was his.choice. I didn’t get hurt and lied to because I chose to believe and trust the man, I didn’t get hurt because of the advice given to me by friends and even though I tried to blame everyone BUT PC for this disaster (because I wanted him back)…this is all because this guy made choices that would do nothing but end with me hurt and heartbroken. #hischoices. I still have to let that marinate.

Interestingly enough there is a lesson within this lesson….I helped him hurt me. I ignored my gut and my intuition when they told me he was too good to be true, that he was either hiding something or hiding behind someone/something and when he showed himself to be a liar, duplicitous and not a good reason to promote religion….I STILL BELIEVED HIM. Who believes a known liar? This chick…Queen of A Million Second Chances. I chose to believe who he had presented himself to be, not who he is. It has been said so many times before and in so many ways: when someone shows you who they are….believe them.

The Prince Charming situation has taught me so much, and I am going to thank the Him heartbreak for teaching me to not completely lose my shit this time around or to chase behind PC to show him what we had and what I offered….he saw. And he made a choice. I don’t have to respect it but I do have to accept it. I learned to trust myself above all….a gold foil wrapped box of bullshit is still that….a box of bullshit. I learned that still loving someone doesn’t make me stupid….it shows the depth of my heart and the belief that there is still good in that person. And it doesn’t chain me to him….in fact, it may free me even more because loving someone and being in love are two totally different things….and I have now experienced that. I can love what we shared and wish him well and still live my life without him being a part of it…and glad to be the girl that dodged the bullet.  The frog that lies beneath the Prince Charming exterior is not a good man nor a very nice one.

But for learning all these lessons, being able to be objective and perhaps a bit light-hearted and for being able to hold onto the good while shedding the bad….I won’t pass this exam with flying colors. I still Facebook stalk and I have his work email address. (SO happy he got a job and moved him and the crew into their own place) I like to say he wanted me to know he had the job since he posted it on his page. It is probably ego talking, but I really believe that. Who else outside his circle would he want to know about that? Let’s be honest, even the man’s wife isn’t as pressed over the man as I can sometimes be and we all know men want to be wanted. UTA thinks I need a 12 step program. BUT, in my defense, I look more to see if Karma has made an appearance (she’s coming…) and I have not used the work email address AT ALL. That would just be too creepy. Seriously. Maybe good intentions will garner me some extra credit points.

In closing, I have decided that I will not be the one to select the next man when that time comes. My “picker” is broken and I fall too easily for a pretty (to me) face and even more so for prettier words. I will have forgotten all about this heartache if I am not laughing over it the way I am with the Him fiasco and I will be a clean slate all the way around. And if I pick the next one,  more than likely, just like Prince Charming turned out to be both better and worse than Him….this guy will become both better and worse than PC.  Swear, if I thought I could pass the psychological evaluation, I would so be trying out for Married at First Sight.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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