I am not crazy. That is not to say I don’t have crazy, but I am not crazy. I have a strong, adverse reaction to mistreatment, disrespect, lies, stupidity and senseless behaviors which translates to crazy. I am still hurting, still healing and incredibly vulnerable. You won’t know that because I am hiding behind walls, guards and masks of self-confidence and I don’t care attitudes. I am emotionally shutdown but I want to love…I want to give love, be loved in return…I want to fall head over heels with one of you, I want to let go and let you color my world. I want you to teach me, learn from me and I don’t want the world to look, smell or taste the same…ever again.
But the men who came before you not only awakened my issues, they gave me new ones. They showed me that I cannot trust, I cannot let go and that being a good woman who believes in accommodating and compromising is simply a waste of time. I have become that chick: the one with too many e(X)es and too few O(rgasm)’s. The one who is jaded, bitter and thinking all of you are the same. The one who was willing to lower expectations and raise acceptance levels only to create her own set of standards and rules… I hate to be that chick but you have to prove to me how and why you are different and worthy of me and all I offer and bring to the table. Don’t give me your number…it does not tell me or show me you are single or even interested…ask me for mine and actually use it. THAT would be a good start in the show and tell department. Not playing the I have the vagina card here but one date with me will show you how I stand out; I will show you my uniqueness, my humor, intelligence and my honesty. What will you show me?
So I have made a list….it’s haphazard and a mix of what I want and what I don’t want. The list is incomplete because I am a work in progress, constantly changing and evolving. I have made lists before but that was based on one bad experience….I have had far too many since then, so for now, this is what I am looking for in you…and what I am not.
Breaking Up: I know it’s weird to put the end of a relationship as the #1 thing I am looking for in a man, but after reading columns and articles about how I am handling the breakup all wrong and keeping myself stuck and knowing I am unable to let go gracefully or in a timely manner… I have finally realized that the problem isn’t me…it is the MEN who DO NOT know how to end the relationship and close the door behind them when they leave. I am abandoned, ignored and left to find answers and closure all by myself which is infantile on behalf of both parties and cowardly on his behalf. So I need to know if you are man enough to tell me when it’s over and you may need to provide references. Not kidding.
Balls: I would say courage or bravery but I think balls sums it up for a lot of reasons. Men with balls usually have courage. Men with balls are strong in words and actions and I need a strong man. I need a man who can not only lead but actually knows where he is going. I am complicated and contradictory: I am vulnerable yet I have a backbone. I will put up with your shit but also call you on it. There are times I will cross boundaries and I need you to be able to put me back on the right side of the line. I will break up with you only to come running back because I am very impulsive when I am hurt and angry. And speaking of angry and hurt, fair warning: hurt me with your actions, I WILL hurt you with my words. I need a man with balls who won’t run when things aren’t all sparkly or when we aren’t naked. I need a man who will challenge me when it comes to things like conversations, work related issues, pushing me out of my comfort zones…I need a man who doesn’t want to change me or control me, but rather wants to see me grow as a person.
Know When to Tell the Truth: I would say a man who doesn’t lie, but we all lie. Not going to ask for the impossible, but at least know when to be truthful with me. Like if I ask am I the only one, if I am not…tell me. I would like to know if I am the main dish, the side piece, a diversion or just something to occupy your time while you are searching for the next best thing. DO NOT lead me on….there is nothing worse than thinking you have a chance when you really and truly don’t and I have been down this road twice. A third time and one of us will not live to tell the tale. Not kidding. Remember, I have crazy and don’t mind using it. If you are building me a Bridge to Nowhere….tell me, especially when I ask you. You may not get the response or ending YOU are hoping for, but trust me…it will bode for all involved in the long run. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear…tell me the truth and give me a fair chance to make my choices. At this point, I am tired of being the bigger, classier person and waiting around on Karma. Just know when to tell me the truth…we are all grown and in an age range when games really are for children.
Manners: A man with manners knows how to treat a lady. A man with manners knows how to say goodbye. A man with manners is respectful. A man with manners listens to his woman, hears what she is saying and feels her emotions. A man with manners is neither dismissive nor cavalier and will put forth positive actions and efforts. A man with manners does not leave in the middle of text or email conversations (seriously, would you just walk out in the middle of a face to face conversation?) and he will tell a woman when he is no longer interested; more importantly, he will tell her when he is interested in more. Because a man with manners is a gentleman.
Flags: There are no more pink flags or red flags….there are just flags and if you raise one, you gotta go. Unless it’s a white flag during an argument. That’s acceptable.
Busy: That is no longer an excuse….busy is a word to keep me on a shelf and in a state of expectation. Busy is a copout; busy is the new “fuck you, until I am ready to fuck you”. So I no longer do busy…if I want one night stands, NSA…I don’t need to write this letter for that. I can get that. What I cannot seem to find is a man ready for a long term, committed relationship who does not have a wife, a girlfriend and who knows how to tell the truth 80% of the time. I want a man who has the time, who will make the time to actually work together to build something. I don’t need flaking at the last minute, broken dates and promises and whatever else negative that falls under “busy”. I know we have jobs, lives, obligations but if you don’t know time management…you won’t know me.
Attention, Affection, Validation: I need all of these…in spades. In the beginning, I am going to be kinda insecure until I know you are secure in your masculinity and me being outside the box regarding society’s ideal of feminine, sexy and acceptable. (It really is a numbers and colors game with you guys when it comes to dating). I am going to be insecure until I know where I stand with you. I am going to have issues and guards and really not going to want to take them down because I don’t want to be hurt again. So I am going to need attention, affection, validation and reassurances. And once I have let you in completely, I am going to do all I can to make you so very, very happy…and I will still need the AAV to know my efforts are appreciated. BUT…I will do the same for you. I will tell you constantly how handsome, amazing, wonderful and sexy you are. I will tell you how happy you make me, I will praise your prowess in bed and I will find out your favorite everythings to incorporate them into our lives. I will buy small presents to let you know I am thinking of you and that I appreciate you. It isn’t all a one way street and the rewards for your efforts, material or not, are so worth it with me.
Contentment: I need you to be in a place of contentment and to know what you want with me. I see too many married men who step out on perfectly good marriages and relationships simply because they are bored with their partner or they want to taste some strange or they have secret fantasies. I am going to do all I can to make sure you are satisfied on every level imaginable, but if you are the type who thinks the grass is greener on the other side rather than knowing grass is greenest where it is watered….it isn’t going to work. So I need you to know you want to be here, I need you to not be hung up on someone else and to be living ONE life, not multiples. I need you to know and see what you have in me and to value it enough to not want to lose it.
Religions: No Mormons, no cult leaders, no cult members, no devil worshippers, no candidates for the priesthood and no atheists. Also, no Muslims….I eat sausage and bacon. Lots of bacon, and let’s not forget holiday season is also the Season of Ham. Glazed ham. The more I think about it, the more you lean towards spirituality versus religion, the better off we will be. Promise I am not some wanton sinner or religion basher. I do believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost and my beliefs come from the King James Bible. I do attend church but not on a regular basis and I try to live my life by being kind, empathetic and respectful. If you had these same values, that would be great. If not, I will respect your faith and beliefs but you need to respect mine as well. But again, it is best if we were on the same page, in the same paragraph when it comes to this.
I know this list is long and it probably seems like a daunting task, but this isn’t for every man. It is for the man who is tired of the games, the chase and the lies; the man who sees himself in this letter; the man who is ready for something of substance with someone of substance. I have had a long time to think about what has happened to me, a long time to figure out what I want and need and what I am willing to do and/or give up to make sure that the next love is both my first and last love. This list is for that man who is in the same place as me and is willing to do the right things, the hard things and just do things differently so he too can make the rest of his life the best of his life with that special someone. Granted, I am still a mess but I am willing to offer all that I ask for…eventually. I am at a point where I am done letting my ex(es) live my life and I am going through the process to make sure my heart is a clean slate. And the man this letter is meant for will know this because he has been through similar and is in the same place I am.
Thank you for reading my letter and hearing me out. And to the man this letter is meant for, until we meet I keep you in my prayers and wait to let you into my heart.