It is the first of November…a chilly, overcast day that begs to be spent under covers. A day that calls for heat, hot soup and a good book (or bingeing on your fave TV shows). And I am slightly bummed….I had the perfect Halloween plans: a haunted house and heading into Georgetown for a Waterfront Block Party. But plans changed. I am not a fan of change. Period.
It started when I woke up early Halloween morning to hear a DC police officer had been assaulted with an AX a block from my apartment. The officer is okay but the attacker escaped. So there is an Ax Man loose in the city (possibly living in my neighborhood) and while it would appear the weapon is firmly embedded in a police cruiser window, obviously this guy has no problem using any and everything as a weapon. So I was a little uneasy but hey…I had my PLANS and it was going to be FUN! This would have been my second haunted house ever (the first was last weekend) and while I was sure I would need Depends, be hoarse for 3 days from all the screaming and leave the ghouls and ghosts with my perfectly good, paid for hair dangling from their hands (or claws), I was okay with that. Because coming out of this obsessive, depressive heartbreak, I want to do things differently and do different things. I want to be ME, only better. Or funner. You get the gist of it.
But just as I was about to get in the shower and don my Halloween costume (a tee shirt that reads: THIS IS MY SLUTTY NURSE COSTUME), my +1 called with bad news….life happened and she had to cancel. At first I was extremely disappointed, but figured I could salvage the evening by tossing an ad on Craigslist for another +1; then I thought maybe it was for the best because I NEVER, EVER go out on Halloween…too many crazies able to truly be themselves. And then while calming and soothing my +1, it hit me: not only was she in a tizzy at having to try to clean up the mess life had thrown at her while she was busy being happy at having fun plans also, she was remorseful at wrecking my plans in the process. She wants to make it up to me (not necessary) and I don’t think anyone has ever felt remorse for something that can/could/will alter my plans. I mean, I don’t see ANY of the men I let in and liked/loved/cared for and about feeling anything like remorse or guilt or not very happy with themselves over how they treated me and changed my plans while breaking my heart. I don’t see anyone wanting to make it up to me. Sorry, but telling me you don’t want to hurt me by HURTING me via lying to me and leading me on doesn’t count. At all.
I told her everything was fine…and it was. I had to eat the cost of the tickets (not a lot and I have eaten far more than costs (and higher ones at that) in my lifetime) but I just made new plans. Decided against Craigslist because let’s get real…it’s Craigslist on Halloween night, took a shower and put on comfy pajamas, had an impromptu meeting of the Pajama Club with a couple of neighbors in the downstairs hall of my building and ordered Chinese. And thought about some things right below the surface….specifically, friendship. Here is a woman who I primarily communicate with through Facebook: we like statuses, we inbox once in awhile and she was the person I had in mind when purchasing the haunted house tickets…last year she wanted to go so badly and all of her friends had bailed on her. The way I figured it, she got a haunted house, it was a good deed and I got to something different with someone different and we already knew each other, kind of. And she is feeling bummed and remorseful not only over being inconvenienced and missing out on a fun night, but because she thought I would be missing out also.
I have Panel members who have fallen off with no word, no remorse and I gave these folks the title of friend (another overused word): they met my family, knew my secrets and weaknesses and had been in my home (during the best and worst of times)…and they are just… gone. They’re not apologizing. Morning Person, my GOOD girlfriend of 12 years, just let the olive branch fall….she has not called me or emailed me since I had a bout of crazy over PC and invited her to my Low Country Boil on the 4th of July as a means of apology. Cuz, who let me down AGAIN (this time over the new laptop) has not said one word, even after I emailed and called him to see what was going on. I don’t have them feeling badly…and I do feel badly about how things went down with Morning Person…Cuz, not so much. But just like with the men I have had in my life…I made an effort that apparently wasn’t good enough. And there are others who just…left. Girlfriend is one and I cannot be angry with her….date nights with me gave way to travelling with friends more in her age range with jobs and money (I never have both at the same time…..can anyone else relate to that statement?). We still Facebook but it isn’t the same. Quiet One will talk, but only if I reach out first. I am not always the best at initiating contact but we could enter the next millennium and I would not hear from QO if I didn’t reach out first. Busy Bee is still…busy. Buddy is in delusion and denial and while we still talk occasionally, I can’t deal with my crazy and his.
It makes me wonder about the friends I have left….what is going to cause our bonds to unravel and we just become people who simply Facebook or worse, don’t speak at all? Will it be babies? Will it be a healthy relationship that gives us hope, happiness and fills the voids that we currently fill for each other? Will it be work that may send us cross country? Or maybe life itself doing what it does? Or maybe the friendships were built on an event, a common denominator that once resolved sends us on separate paths? I know it doesn’t seem like it, but every person I let into my life on a deeper level…I care about. I may not always call you or email you on a constant basis but I do make an effort when I am not being obsessive or Facebook stalking. I will return your calls and emails; I don’t mind treating when we go out together and appreciate when I am treated. I like to give gifts and feed you and like to think I am low maintenance when it comes to friendships…I just want them to last.
Okay, so this post sounds kinda depressing and morbid and not at all what I thought I was going to write, but that is just me not staying in the moment and jumping to worst case scenarios. Today, I am getting happier and emotionally stronger every day. Today, I do have friends and a (reassembled) Panel and they are wonderful and I don’t have to apologize for my craziness or for being stuck and I don’t have to tiptoe around feelings and issues. And neither do they. AND I managed to avoid the craziness that was DC on Halloween night: Georgetown blocked in and off because of the crowds and 3 people shot leaving a Fleetwood Mac concert in Chinatown (seriously? A Fleetwood Mac concert?), not to mention Metro having multiple breakdowns, delays and crowds. Oh, and my hair stayed safe and sound…all 7 of them.
Going to wrap this post up….going to tackle some domestic chores, watch some TV and get some paperwork finished up for upcoming job interviews and job submissions. I will be back soon with new posts, so stay tuned. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!