Without a Net

Going to begin this post by telling you Lovebugs about my weekend visitor. I was awakened by a ringing phone Saturday morning and on the other end of the line was….BROTHER EVERYTHING! I think I would have been less surprised to hear MG’s voice on the other end. BE wanted to know if he could swing by and use my bathroom…and we all know if a man needs to come inside to use the bathroom what THAT means…and you know how I feel about it. But, he and Sister Someone are ALWAYS a trainwreck and I am always in the mood for other people’s drama and juicy gossip. So I said okay….it did not require brushing of teeth, showering or even getting out of bed but I did brush my hair.

Pretty much life is going the way I envisioned going for these two: constant arguments, NO housework being done AT ALL, BE getting drunker, Sister Someone getting bigger and a dwindling sex life. According to Brother Everything it has gotten to where he has offered Sister Someone two choices: he will cheat or divorce her. She is just looking at him like…prove it. Which leads me to today’s post….

Life is a combination of the sensational and the sucky. Sometimes it seems one gets only one or the other and usually too much of the sucky and not enough of the sensational, but honestly…it is usually a fair balance of each all the time. It is just what you choose to focus on. I am choosing to focus on the real…that way I can see both sides and try to figure out just what to do.

First, for all who are wondering about my health…Dottie is doing well….she is enjoying the sleeping in, the midday naps and eating at random times. I am not exercising her as much as I should but she doesn’t mind. She eats a LOT though….seriously, she is always hungry…yet I am losing weight. I am being called SKINNY (I am not though…still fat. Just not AS fat) and I have to say, I am over half the chick I used to be. Back in the Married Man and Him days, I looked like I ate Jabba the Hut and his entire family; for AFO and Prince Charming, I had lost quite a bit but there was PLENTY of cushion for the pushin’. But post-PC, I am looking AMAZING and there is nothing like the confidence one has when they KNOW they are looking amazing. Which brings me to the biggest change in me….

I am single. There is no more Prince Charming to pay attention to me, to validate me, to make me happy, laugh and smile. There is no emotional safety net…no knowing that there is someone who’s thinking of me, surrounding me with love and care.  It is still hard to believe that this time last year, we were incredibly happy and at least one of us was in love and the other in deep like. And I am (almost) just as happy without PC around as I was with him around. Because I no longer have to wonder what his crazy is, I no longer have to wonder if I am pleasing him, am I making him happy or how fat I am and what DOES he see in me. I can just be….ME. I no longer need PC or any man to validate me, I no longer have to jump through hoops, and I no longer have to put up with lies, half-truths or pretend to be dumber than the man. (Please note, not all of this happened with/during PC but I tend to do most if not all of these with any man)

I will never forget PC told me I had a strong attitude (how Mormons call people “bitches”) and at first I felt hurt he would say that. But, I guess I am a bitch. Oh, still all things positive, great and wonderful but contrary to popular belief, I do know when to stnd up for myself. Not my fault weak men cannot handle a strong woman who sees through the bullshit and calls them on it. It does take me a minute to get there though. See, I accommodate men for a lot of reasons but the biggest reason is to hold onto my emotional safety net…which they end up yanking anyway. So why should I change, compromise and accommodate and become who they want me to be just to still end up the side piece and the bad guy? So I am being me….strong, not forgoing what I want to keep a man who cannot appreciate ONE DAMNED THING I do for him. And no, not bitter but if I am lying, please tell me. So yeah, no compromising or accommodating until HE proves his worthiness…I can afford to do this today…embracing my bitchiness and no longer worried about the emotional safety net they provide because I will be providing my own.

I am also without a net financially…and that is my fault.  I owe three months’ rent and I don’t have it. At all. Reliable One has been doing for me and paying my rent for a long, long time because I just have no grasp of budgeting when I do have money and am pretty fiscally irresponsible. Once upon a time, I could pay all my bills by myself but I got used to the safety net. I got used to knowing that someone else could and would pick up my slack. And now Reliable One has stated he is out of the supporting and safety net business. Which leaves me up the creek without a paddle.

I have a stall tactic (which may buy me 30 days)  and a couple of vague, nebulous plans but no responses to the ads (and even in the face of possible eviction, all I can feel is relief at that because I really don’t have the patience or efforts left to deal with idiot men) and while I have been submitted to assignments, nothing definite yet. I did start a Go Fund Me page but not sure how that is going to work…I need to post it on social media to get funding but no way am I posting it for friends and family to see. (Going to have to swear Pink to complete secrecy here…trust me on this one, been here 11 years and not leaving until I am ready to go).Pride may cometh before a fall but not wanting those folks all up in my business like that…besides, my circle may be prettier, smarter and luckier in love than I am but financially…we are all in the same boat. We are all keeping our heads above water. Thinking of posting a random picture of one of the wheelchair bound deaf folks in the neighborhood and saying the cause is an electric wheelchair or something. I am not above lying to tug at the heartstrings.

However, choosing to look at this as a test from God…my faith and strength and possibly patience are being evaluated when there is no one in the situation but me and my Higher Power. I have not given in to despair yet and while there is some dread and how the hell am I getting out of this shit? going on, not in full panic mode. Tell you what, when I come out on the other side of this, bet I learn some budgeting skills then. I do have income coming in and even though my landlord shows up every 3-4 months, I can no longer use that as an excuse for falling behind. Rent is due EVERY month…set it aside, Robin!

And this is what has been going on…losing weight, job searching, possibly defrauding the general public at large and being a fabulous, single bitch who may or may not be evicted come 2015. This will more than likely be my last post until after Thanksgiving so wishing all you Lovebugs a wonderful, blessed, safe and Happy Thanksgiving!! I will be spending mine with my parents and siblings (pray for us….please!) and I plan to quiet the thoughts, laugh a lot and create new memories with my family. Plenty of time after the weekend to get back in the game and formulate a plan.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Final Exams

I was once told I am the woman who will grow more beautiful the older I get. I think I get prettier with every breakup I manage to survive. Not kidding…I am looking over pictures of myself and I swear, after every breakup I look prettier and better. And now with Dottie in the picture and me trying to take control of her, I am eating healthier and less so there is a weight loss evolution going on….I am looking AMAZING. Quite sure it doesn’t work for everyone, but being sick and heartbroken is doing wonderful things for my looks and figure. I figure in about 5 years, I’ll be looking like Jayne Kennedy in her heyday.

Today going to talk about the lessons learned (so far…there may be more) from this process. I am over the worst of it and as usual….so glad to be in this space and place. There is residual sadness and it stings instead of hurts, but ready to move forward even more with my life. Already I am curious about who the next guy will be and what crazy he will have and will the happiness quotient really be higher. And more than ready to apply new lessons…the lessons learned this time around…they seem so simple I am almost pissed at myself for not realizing them 2 men back. But one cannot control grief nor can one anticipate the depth of pain and hurt they will endure.

First lesson learned: hate the hate. Hating Prince Charming did nothing but prevent me from loving another including myself. Of course it was natural in the beginning stages of the hurt, pain and anger to hate PC….after all, he is the horrible person who ripped my heart out of my chest, the killer of hopes, dreams and promises…just when my emotional investment level was well over 90%.  (At one point it was over 100% but then he started acting flaky) But I couldn’t keep on hating him….it was exhausting and it blocked me, because Prince Charming began equating all men. Ergo, all men were liars and cheaters and idiotic and after only ONE THING…simply #becausemen. Not saying I am ready to get back out there and give everyone their fair chance…I’m not. I am still emotionally shutdown and do not have the healthy emotional boundaries in place. I still do not trust my judgment and it is best to heal over completely. This time around, I am content to let the process take all the time it needs….I will move on with the physical when it’s time. Right now, being emotionally okay is all I ask.

I no longer hate Prince Charming…in fact, I still have love and care for him. And why not? He showed me that I have worth and value beyond the sexual and the physical; he taught me to love my flaws and to be comfortable with myself; he made me see that I matter. He believed in me whether it was in me overcoming my past or being able to actually handle extra responsibilities at work. He found me funny, fascinating, beautiful and made me want to curse less. With PC, I knew what it was like to fully trust someone. Before he revealed who he really was, he made me want to be a better person. It no longer matters he broke my heart, proved to be a false friend and abandoned ship when I had my medical emergency.  I hope he has found his happily ever after and I hope he is being a real man, husband and father. No, I am not crazy for real nor am I hopeful for some sort of true love reconciliation. I have simply accepted the entire situation and in my acceptance, not wishing hurt or pain on the other players in this drama. I want us ALL to end up happy with ourselves and with someone special with whom we can give and receive like, love and lust….I just know we won’t find that with each other…and that’s okay today.

I have learned that progress comes in small steps. I thought I had my walls and guards up so securely when Prince Charming came on the scene and perhaps I did….but he wanted to talk to me, get to know me and again….when I first saw him, he was an answer to about 10,000 prayers. On the surface. (I am reminded of a saying: the Devil doesn’t show up wearing horns and a tail…he comes disguised as everything you ever wanted) He knew what to say to deflect the trust issues, to quiet the voices in my head (note: not all voices in your head are telling you to do random, crazy shit) and to put me at ease. But all they were, were words….minimal action. Unless you count the control issues. And at that time, words were fine…I was coming off both Him and AFO, so ANY man who would talk to me on a regular basis was already ahead of the game.

I did think the attention was a bit much (THAT’S how much attention he was giving me because we all know I am a greedy little piggy when it comes to attention)….it would make my head spin. But I put it down to him being lonely, starved for adult conversation and us being soul mates instead of it being an indicator of emotional unhealthiness, possible mental illness and needing to control my every move and action. I am such a silly girl. And I learned two lessons from this: I need someone who knows the balance between giving no attention and overdosing me with it. I need someone who can achieve that healthy balance of us being a part of each other’s lives (and not a small part either!) without being each other’s lives. The second lesson: the next guy will have to put forth actions and efforts. Words won’t cut it anymore.

The biggest lesson learned here was in front of my face the entire time and I kept overlooking it or dancing around it. Why Prince Charming did what he did, we may never know. It could be he is a cold, callous player; it could be cowardice; maybe it’s guilt. Maybe he fell as hard as I did and just could not face me with the truth. Or what about he suddenly remembered he was a GOOD Mormon (this actually defaulted to Moron….I thought about keeping it that way) with a fiancée and ready-made family; after all, here is a chance to get into Temple AND wear the garments…all the rage among GOOD Mormons. Who knows, who cares? The point is, whatever the reason….PC made a choice to hurt me. Every.Time. Even if I misread every signal , every text, every phone conversation between us…even if I misread the sex and sexual content….he had a CHOICE to remove my rose colored glasses and tell me he was a GOOD Mormon with plans that did not include me. When I threw the truth in his face…he had a CHOICE to confirm or deny. And every.time. he chose to hurt me. It was his.choice. I didn’t get hurt and lied to because I chose to believe and trust the man, I didn’t get hurt because of the advice given to me by friends and even though I tried to blame everyone BUT PC for this disaster (because I wanted him back)…this is all because this guy made choices that would do nothing but end with me hurt and heartbroken. #hischoices. I still have to let that marinate.

Interestingly enough there is a lesson within this lesson….I helped him hurt me. I ignored my gut and my intuition when they told me he was too good to be true, that he was either hiding something or hiding behind someone/something and when he showed himself to be a liar, duplicitous and not a good reason to promote religion….I STILL BELIEVED HIM. Who believes a known liar? This chick…Queen of A Million Second Chances. I chose to believe who he had presented himself to be, not who he is. It has been said so many times before and in so many ways: when someone shows you who they are….believe them.

The Prince Charming situation has taught me so much, and I am going to thank the Him heartbreak for teaching me to not completely lose my shit this time around or to chase behind PC to show him what we had and what I offered….he saw. And he made a choice. I don’t have to respect it but I do have to accept it. I learned to trust myself above all….a gold foil wrapped box of bullshit is still that….a box of bullshit. I learned that still loving someone doesn’t make me stupid….it shows the depth of my heart and the belief that there is still good in that person. And it doesn’t chain me to him….in fact, it may free me even more because loving someone and being in love are two totally different things….and I have now experienced that. I can love what we shared and wish him well and still live my life without him being a part of it…and glad to be the girl that dodged the bullet.  The frog that lies beneath the Prince Charming exterior is not a good man nor a very nice one.

But for learning all these lessons, being able to be objective and perhaps a bit light-hearted and for being able to hold onto the good while shedding the bad….I won’t pass this exam with flying colors. I still Facebook stalk and I have his work email address. (SO happy he got a job and moved him and the crew into their own place) I like to say he wanted me to know he had the job since he posted it on his page. It is probably ego talking, but I really believe that. Who else outside his circle would he want to know about that? Let’s be honest, even the man’s wife isn’t as pressed over the man as I can sometimes be and we all know men want to be wanted. UTA thinks I need a 12 step program. BUT, in my defense, I look more to see if Karma has made an appearance (she’s coming…) and I have not used the work email address AT ALL. That would just be too creepy. Seriously. Maybe good intentions will garner me some extra credit points.

In closing, I have decided that I will not be the one to select the next man when that time comes. My “picker” is broken and I fall too easily for a pretty (to me) face and even more so for prettier words. I will have forgotten all about this heartache if I am not laughing over it the way I am with the Him fiasco and I will be a clean slate all the way around. And if I pick the next one,  more than likely, just like Prince Charming turned out to be both better and worse than Him….this guy will become both better and worse than PC.  Swear, if I thought I could pass the psychological evaluation, I would so be trying out for Married at First Sight.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Wounded Warrior

Dear Men:

I am not crazy. That is not to say I don’t have crazy, but I am not crazy. I have a strong, adverse reaction to mistreatment, disrespect, lies, stupidity and senseless behaviors which translates to crazy. I am still hurting, still healing and incredibly vulnerable. You won’t know that because I am hiding behind walls, guards and masks of self-confidence and I don’t care attitudes. I am emotionally shutdown but I want to love…I want to give love, be loved in return…I want to fall head over heels with one of you, I want to let go and let you color my world. I want you to teach me, learn from me and I don’t want the world to look, smell or taste the same…ever again.

But the men who came before you not only awakened my issues, they gave me new ones. They showed me that I cannot trust, I cannot let go and that being a good woman who believes in accommodating and compromising is simply a waste of time. I have become that chick: the one with too many e(X)es and too few O(rgasm)’s. The one who is jaded, bitter and thinking all of you are the same. The one who was willing to lower expectations and raise acceptance levels only to create her own set of standards and rules… I hate to be that chick but you have to prove to me how and why you are different and worthy of me and all I offer and bring to the table. Don’t give me your number…it does not tell me or show me you are single or even interested…ask me for mine and actually use it. THAT would be a good start in the show and tell department. Not playing the I have the vagina card here but one date with me will show you how I stand out; I will show you my uniqueness, my humor, intelligence and my honesty. What will you show me?

So I have made a list….it’s haphazard and a mix of what I want and what I don’t want. The list is incomplete because I am a work in progress, constantly changing and evolving. I have made lists before but that was based on one bad experience….I have had far too many since then, so for now, this is what I am looking for in you…and what I am not.

Breaking Up: I know it’s weird to put the end of a relationship as the #1 thing I am looking for in a man, but after reading columns and articles about how I am handling the breakup all wrong and keeping myself stuck and knowing I am unable to let go gracefully or in a timely manner… I have finally realized that the problem isn’t me…it is the MEN who DO NOT know how to end the relationship and close the door behind them when they leave. I am abandoned, ignored and left to find answers and closure all by myself which is infantile on behalf of both parties and cowardly on his behalf. So I need to know if you are man enough to tell me when it’s over and you may need to provide references. Not kidding.

Balls: I would say courage or bravery but I think balls sums it up for a lot of reasons. Men with balls usually have courage. Men with balls are strong in words and actions and I need a strong man. I need a man who can not only lead but actually knows where he is going.  I am complicated and contradictory: I am vulnerable yet I have a backbone. I will put up with your shit but also call you on it. There are times I will cross boundaries and I need you to be able to put me back on the right side of the line. I will break up with you only to come running back because I am very impulsive when I am hurt and angry. And speaking of angry and hurt, fair warning: hurt me with your actions, I WILL hurt you with my words. I need a man with balls who won’t run when things aren’t all sparkly or when we aren’t naked. I need a man who will challenge me when it comes to things like conversations, work related issues, pushing me out of my comfort zones…I need a man who doesn’t want to change me or control me, but rather wants to see me grow as a person.

Know When to Tell the Truth: I would say a man who doesn’t lie, but we all lie. Not going to ask for the impossible, but at least know when to be truthful with me. Like if I ask am I the only one, if I am not…tell me. I would like to know if I am the main dish, the side piece, a diversion or just something to occupy your time while you are searching for the next best thing. DO NOT lead me on….there is nothing worse than thinking you have a chance when you really and truly don’t and I have been down this road twice. A third time and one of us will not live to tell the tale. Not kidding. Remember, I have crazy and don’t mind using it. If you are building me a Bridge to Nowhere….tell me, especially when I ask you. You may not get the response or ending YOU are hoping for, but trust me…it will bode for all involved in the long run. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear…tell me the truth and give me a fair chance to make my choices.  At this point, I am tired of being the bigger, classier person and waiting around on Karma. Just know when to tell me the truth…we are all grown and in an age range when games really are for children.

Manners: A man with manners knows how to treat a lady. A man with manners knows how to say goodbye. A man with manners is respectful. A man with manners listens to his woman, hears what she is saying and feels her emotions. A man with manners is neither dismissive nor cavalier and will put forth positive actions and efforts. A man with manners does not leave in the middle of text or email conversations (seriously, would you just walk out in the middle of a face to face conversation?) and he will tell a woman when he is no longer interested; more importantly, he will tell her when he is interested in more.  Because a man with manners is a gentleman.

Flags: There are no more pink flags or red flags….there are just flags and if you raise one, you gotta go. Unless it’s a white flag during an argument. That’s acceptable.

Busy: That is no longer an excuse….busy is a word to keep me on a shelf and in a state of expectation. Busy is a copout; busy is the new “fuck you, until I am ready to fuck you”.  So I no longer do busy…if I want one night stands, NSA…I don’t need to write this letter for that. I can get that. What I cannot seem to find is a man ready for a long term, committed relationship who does not have a wife, a girlfriend and who knows how to tell the truth 80% of the time. I want a man who has the time, who will make the time to actually work together to build something. I don’t need flaking at the last minute, broken dates and promises and whatever else negative that falls under “busy”. I know we have jobs, lives, obligations but if you don’t know time management…you won’t know me.

Attention, Affection, Validation: I need all of these…in spades. In the beginning, I am going to be kinda insecure until I know you are secure in your masculinity and me being outside the box regarding society’s ideal of feminine, sexy and acceptable. (It really is a numbers and colors game with you guys when it comes to dating). I am going to be insecure until I know where I stand with you. I am going to have issues and guards and really not going to want to take them down because I don’t want to be hurt again. So I am going to need attention, affection, validation and reassurances. And once I have let you in completely, I am going to do all I can to make you so very, very happy…and I will still need the AAV to know my efforts are appreciated. BUT…I will do the same for you. I will tell you constantly how handsome, amazing, wonderful and sexy you are. I will tell you how happy you make me, I will praise your prowess in bed and I will find out your favorite everythings to incorporate them into our lives. I will buy small presents to let you know I am thinking of you and that I appreciate you. It isn’t all a one way street and the rewards for your efforts, material or not, are so worth it with me.

Contentment: I need you to be in a place of contentment and to know what you want with me. I see too many married men who step out on perfectly good marriages and relationships simply because they are bored with their partner or they want to taste some strange or they have secret fantasies. I am going to do all I can to make sure you are satisfied on every level imaginable, but if you are the type who thinks the grass is greener on the other side rather than knowing grass is greenest where it is watered….it isn’t going to work. So I need you to know you want to be here, I need you to not be hung up on someone else and to be living ONE life, not multiples. I need you to know and see what you have in me and to value it enough to not want to lose it.

Religions: No Mormons, no cult leaders, no cult members, no devil worshippers, no candidates for the priesthood and no atheists. Also, no Muslims….I eat sausage and bacon. Lots of bacon, and let’s not forget holiday season is also the Season of Ham. Glazed ham. The more I think about it, the more you lean towards spirituality versus religion, the better off we will be. Promise I am not some wanton sinner or religion basher. I do believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost and my beliefs come from the King James Bible. I do attend church but not on a regular basis and I try to live my life by being kind, empathetic and respectful. If you had these same values, that would be great. If not, I will respect your faith and beliefs but you need to respect mine as well. But again, it is best if we were on the same page, in the same paragraph when it comes to this.

I know this list is long and it probably seems like a daunting task, but this isn’t for every man. It is for the man who is tired of the games, the chase and the lies; the man who sees himself in this letter; the man who is ready for something of substance with someone of substance. I have had a long time to think about what has happened to me, a long time to figure out what I want and need and what I am willing to do and/or give up to make sure that the next love is both my first and last love. This list is for that man who is in the same place as me and is willing to do the right things, the hard things and just do things differently so he too can make the rest of his life the best of his life with that special someone.  Granted, I am still a mess but I am willing to offer all that I ask for…eventually. I am at a point where I am done letting my ex(es) live my life and I am going through the process to make sure my heart is a clean slate. And the man this letter is meant for will know this because he has been through similar and is in the same place I am.

Thank you for reading my letter and hearing me out. And to the man this letter is meant for, until we meet I keep you in my prayers and wait to let you into my heart.


Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. Or maybe nostalgia doesn’t refer to heartbreak….after all, nostalgia is defined as a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one’s life; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time. And when it comes to heartbreak or ugly breakups, nostalgia only carries one so far. Eventually you hit the brick wall of what happened to us? and the reality of your fairytale romance hits you: they were idiots, liars, cowards, and just not what we thought they were.

In any case, I had an attack of….maybe not missing, but more of a what’s going on in your life now with PC…I admit I went looking for that…I’m still curious (my cousin, who bears a strong resemblance to Pink says I am not obsessed, but curious. I like curious….no stigma attached with/to that word). But along the way, Him and BTH dropped in my lap and that I was not looking for. Oh, and let’s not forget that the past is even trying to creep into my life via the ads…and all of these incidents have me shaking my head, scratching my head and saying what the hell? So I have named today’s post after a line from the 80s classic movie Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure….it pretty much sums this post up.

Shake My Head: Not sure how this happened as I was actually using the Facebook search for legitimate reasons (looking up a neighbor who has a room/apartment for rent) but all the stalking I did before with Him and BTH brought BTH front and center into my line of vision….and what a vision. The woman had a classic bathroom selfie of herself as a profile picture on Facebook, complete with a background of towels and robes, phone in hand covering her face and dirty/spotty mirror. Dressed in bra and panties. That’s it. Bra and panties bathroom selfie as a Facebook profile picture. Well, the picture opened up a brand new can of WTFness because no way was I leaving that alone: apparently the woman does have a job: she had a pay website that was complete with home videos and I am going to say (no one else says this) was pornographic and probably D/s in nature. The website is now defunct but there is a Tumblr page of the same name (and the intro sounds just like something BTH would say) that is filled with generic, pornographic internet images. She is currently a “model” with a profile on a one-step-above-shady site; she joined maybe a year into the marriage and on it she states that she is very selective about lighting and has no objection to nude photos IF you can tell her why you want to photograph her naked. I only have two things to say and one question: I told folks the woman was a hooker (Big Tittied Hooker, remember?) and I see why she and Him have separate residences…given the nature of her work, a husband would probably only interfere, especially on a daily basis. My question: this makes Him happy…how? Sadly, I probably know the answer to that.

Scratch My Head: UTA is right…these folks are boring. But since I had unwittingly fallen into the Facebook stalking with BTH, decided to check in on the Mexi-Cali-Utah crew. Last I checked in, her oldest daughter had started studying to be a medical assistant, MG was enrolled in a beginner’s English class and her only son had started working at GameStop….so was expecting a cursory glance at everything. And there.it.was. In black and white, MG declared that her husband loved her MUCH more than she loved him. He liked the status and in the comments was PC’s declaration of love for her on her Facebook page for me and all her Spanish speaking friends to see. In Spanish, he told her she was his love and he loved her 10 feet above the sky. Her response was to say Very Funny! (I thought it was incredibly romantic) It stung but not as much as I thought it would…but when I returned to re-read the words trying to will hurt and pain to return to me because I should be devastated all over again, the status had been edited!! She now was super stoked that it was cold in Utah and there was to be snow in the night. His comment, which had gone unliked…was gone. A look around PC’s page showed him to still be a single dad in Maryland…and I literally scratched my head. What the hell is going on with these folks? He refuses to admit anything, she can’t admit anything and while it has been offered PC knows I stalk him/them so he hides stuff, it doesn’t wash…if you are trying to deter someone, you show them how happy you are, how great your life is…you give them something to shut them up, not further speculate on. Well, at least I would. And what is there to hide? I know everything and have yet to spill his secrets to anyone involved with his other life. It would appear the Guilty Mormon that was Prince Charming is still leading a double life…but for who and with who? This may remain an unsolved mystery because I just don’t have it in me anymore to try and find out.

What the Hell: Oh, the ads…they range from a waste of time and money (zero responses) to nerve wracking (the guy who changed meeting times three times only to find out he only had $50 for a two hour session) to incredible ($400 to stick my thumb up some guy’s ass). It is supposed to be the ultimate in NSA but men, as simple as they are, turn complex when it comes to sex and for the headaches some of these responders cause me, I may as well be in a relationship. Does anyone remember The Man with the Biblical Name? He was a regular client around the same time PC and I were just starting out…in fact, had MBN actually followed through on his promise of a weekend getaway, I may never have gotten involved with PC. But, like most men when asked to produce on his promise, MBN disappeared and I didn’t even miss the man…and then I got a text from him a few days ago. He actually asked how had I been, what was up and could we hook up again. I asked who was this and then I asked him what happened to him…he disappeared. His response? He has been busy with work and had no time for weekends away. Busy with work…for an entire year. Really? The icing on the cake was when he wanted to cut payment in half because of our “history”…sorry, buddy….you ruined our history and I am simply no longer interested. Period.

As if my week weren’t already filled with enough for me to process, along came another responder from my past. I have no name for this dude…he is just a pasty, pudgy, on the wrong side of middle aged businessman. We used to meet weekly and I enjoyed seeing him because he was always prompt, always paid in full and was appreciative of my efforts. But he fell off and I got involved with other things…and then about 6 weeks ago, he emailed. He wanted to start back up on a weekly basis and he even upped the amount…we met three times and then he got weird. The arrangement was every Monday I email him to find out when he wanted to meet…he would respond with day and time. When I emailed him last week, no response. I wait a couple of days and email again. This time, he says I am not the only one and he has to be mindful of his budget and maybe we could do monthly. THAT pissed me off…not that I wasn’t the only one but the way he made it seem I was sweating him when this had always been our modus operandi. While I can appreciate his honesty, I don’t have to put up with the attitude or with being relegated to being basically a filler or part of a harem….I have my health and pride to consider.

So yeah, strange things are afoot at the Circle K (or maybe I should say Circle Ex) but no longer my problems. I do wonder how these guys could claim to be so happy with me, say they want something with me yet turn tail at the drop of a hat…some to marry others and some to return after an absence thinking we could pick up where we left off when they changed the rules of the game. But not spending too much time thinking it over…we all make our choices. I do feel had I been their choice, they would be so much better off, but from where I sit with their current choices…I am better off and that is all I care about today.

Okay, this was a little longer than I thought so thanks for hanging in there with me. Will be back soon with new posts. This is where I tell you what I am going to do with the rest of my day but it is midnight…I am going to bed. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Change of Plans

It is the first of November…a chilly, overcast day that begs to be spent under covers. A day that calls for heat, hot soup and a good book (or bingeing on your fave TV shows). And I am slightly bummed….I had the perfect Halloween plans: a haunted house and heading into Georgetown for a Waterfront Block Party. But plans changed. I am not a fan of change. Period.

It started when I woke up early Halloween morning to hear a DC police officer had been assaulted with an AX a block from my apartment. The officer is okay but the attacker escaped. So there is an Ax Man loose in the city (possibly living in my neighborhood) and while it would appear the weapon is firmly embedded in a police cruiser window, obviously this guy has no problem using any and everything as a weapon. So I was a little uneasy but hey…I had my PLANS and it was going to be FUN! This would have been my second haunted house ever (the first was last weekend) and while I was sure I would need Depends, be hoarse for 3 days from all the screaming and leave the ghouls and ghosts with my perfectly good, paid for hair dangling from their hands (or claws), I was okay with that. Because coming out of this obsessive, depressive heartbreak, I want to do things differently and do different things. I want to be ME, only better. Or funner. You get the gist of it.

But just as I was about to get in the shower and don my Halloween costume (a tee shirt that reads: THIS IS MY SLUTTY NURSE COSTUME), my +1 called with bad news….life happened and she had to cancel. At first I was extremely disappointed, but figured I could salvage the evening by tossing an ad on Craigslist for another +1; then I thought maybe it was for the best because I NEVER, EVER go out on Halloween…too many crazies able to truly be themselves. And then while calming and soothing my +1, it hit me: not only was she in a tizzy at having to try to clean up the mess life had thrown at her while she was busy being happy at having fun plans also, she was remorseful at wrecking my plans in the process. She wants to make it up to me (not necessary) and I don’t think anyone has ever felt remorse for something that can/could/will alter my plans. I mean, I don’t see ANY of the men I let in and liked/loved/cared for and about feeling anything like remorse or guilt or not very happy with themselves over how they treated me and changed my plans while breaking my heart. I don’t see anyone wanting to make it up to me. Sorry, but telling me you don’t want to hurt me by HURTING me via lying to me and leading me on doesn’t count. At all.

I told her everything was fine…and it was. I had to eat the cost of the tickets (not a lot and I have eaten far more than costs (and higher ones at that) in my lifetime) but I just made new plans. Decided against Craigslist because let’s get real…it’s Craigslist on Halloween night, took a shower and put on comfy pajamas, had an impromptu meeting of the Pajama Club with a couple of neighbors in the downstairs hall of my building and ordered Chinese. And thought about some things right below the surface….specifically, friendship. Here is a woman who I primarily communicate with through Facebook: we like statuses, we inbox once in awhile and she was the person I had in mind when purchasing the haunted house tickets…last year she wanted to go so badly and all of her friends had bailed on her. The way I figured it, she got a haunted house, it was a good deed and I got to something different with someone different and we already knew each other, kind of. And she is feeling bummed and remorseful not only over being inconvenienced and missing out on a fun night, but because she thought I would be missing out also.

I have Panel members who have fallen off with no word, no remorse and I gave these folks the title of friend (another overused word): they met my family, knew my secrets and weaknesses and had been in my home (during the best and worst of times)…and they are just… gone. They’re not apologizing. Morning Person, my GOOD girlfriend of 12 years, just let the olive branch fall….she has not called me or emailed me since I had a bout of crazy over PC and invited her to my Low Country Boil on the 4th of July as a means of apology. Cuz, who let me down AGAIN (this time over the new laptop) has not said one word, even after I emailed and called him to see what was going on. I don’t have them feeling badly…and I do feel badly about how things went down with Morning Person…Cuz, not so much. But just like with the men I have had in my life…I made an effort that apparently wasn’t good enough. And there are others who just…left. Girlfriend is one and I cannot be angry with her….date nights with me gave way to travelling with friends more in her age range with jobs and money (I never have both at the same time…..can anyone else relate to that statement?). We still Facebook but it isn’t the same. Quiet One will talk, but only if I reach out first. I am not always the best at initiating contact but we could enter the next millennium and I would not hear from QO if I didn’t reach out first. Busy Bee is still…busy. Buddy is in delusion and denial and while we still talk occasionally, I can’t deal with my crazy and his.

It makes me wonder about the friends I have left….what is going to cause our bonds to unravel and we just become people who simply Facebook or worse, don’t speak at all? Will it be babies? Will it be a healthy relationship that gives us hope, happiness and fills the voids that we currently fill for each other? Will it be work that may send us cross country? Or maybe life itself doing what it does? Or maybe the friendships were built on an event, a common denominator that once resolved sends us on separate paths? I know it doesn’t seem like it, but every person I let into my life on a deeper level…I care about. I may not always call you or email you on a constant basis but I do make an effort when I am not being obsessive or Facebook stalking. I will return your calls and emails; I don’t mind treating when we go out together and appreciate when I am treated. I like to give gifts and feed you and like to think I am low maintenance when it comes to friendships…I just want them to last.

Okay, so this post sounds kinda depressing and morbid and not at all what I thought I was going to write, but that is just me not staying in the moment and jumping to worst case scenarios. Today, I am getting happier and emotionally stronger every day. Today, I do have friends and a (reassembled) Panel and they are wonderful and I don’t have to apologize for my craziness or for being stuck and I don’t have to tiptoe around feelings and issues. And neither do they. AND I managed to avoid the craziness that was DC on Halloween night: Georgetown blocked in and off because of the crowds and 3 people shot leaving a Fleetwood Mac concert in Chinatown (seriously? A Fleetwood Mac concert?), not to mention Metro having multiple breakdowns, delays and crowds. Oh, and my hair stayed safe and sound…all 7 of them.

Going to wrap this post up….going to tackle some domestic chores, watch some TV and get some paperwork finished up for upcoming job interviews and job submissions. I will be back soon with new posts, so stay tuned. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!