I am having a cycle…a full blown, cramping, bloating, Japanese Flag (big red circle on white sheet) accidents cycle. Haven’t had one of these since White Baby (which is actually peripause…the first step of menopause) came on the scene and as TMI as this is, it seems pretty fitting given my mood of late. Believe me when I tell you I am NOT sad, angry, disappointed or anything of the sort…I am feeling blah and stagnant. Unusual adjectives to be sure but the only ones that seem to fit.
I think my current mood stems from my professional life….my personal life is nonexistent and I am okay with that right now. Still healing, still growing from Prince Charming and simply not ready to let the guards down and the trust issues go to give the next guy his fair chance should he come along. Still hung up in some ways, still have a little hope and expectation but I think we all stay hung up on the last one in some form or fashion until the new one comes along, so not worried about that. But my professional? It had been going so well when I was with the Best Team Ever…it was challenging, fun and social, much the way all of my assignments except the one with the think tank had gone. Then, DC government had no idea what the hell was going on and the present assignment has stretched on forever…2 weeks is now 2 months and counting.
I think I need to clarify that I am grateful for this assignment on a lot of levels: it gives me a full paycheck every week, it has kept a 2 month gap from appearing on my resume (I know folks say a gap that small isn’t significant but the economy is still weak, the market still competitive so to appear in demand is an edge and a blessing) and I get to wear my pretty clothes while admiring a view not many get to see. However, my ideal assignment keeps me challenged, busy and allows me to socialize on a regular basis. This assignment offers none of that and when I was first offered the position, that was fine since it was 2 weeks…maybe 4 weeks tops. I did think it would have a more social aspect to it since it was front desk and when the extensions came (on a weekly basis), I thought my responsibilities would increase…but they didn’t.
So I am sitting at a desk in a reception area alone 95% of the time with nothing to do and you know what they say about idle anything….let’s face it, the internet is only so big although I did find the perfect meme that puts Prince Charming (Disney’s version) in a brand new light and while Facebook stalking is at an all-time low, it still happens…and not even going to get into me reading the Utah newspaper. That’s…ridiculous but I have noticed that Utah is in the news more than ever…not sure if the crazy is now at a national level out there or if it is because PC is on my mind more than I even realize, but there it is…maybe reading the newspaper was the next natural step. For a stalker, probably.
I do and am continuing my job search…the position that was to be the next big thing complete with not so ideal commute and teaching me things I have no idea about is lost in limbo. Last I heard, I was the #1 candidate and had not been rejected, but they were interviewing others who may have more 508 Compliance experience and I am just like….who HAS that? I know what it is in theory…all I need is a chance to put theory into practice. Not putting all my eggs in that basket but am trying to remain flexible should they say I am their pick, so registered with three other local agencies and applying for positions that sound interesting and that I would be qualified for.
A contingency plan is in place which involves unemployment insurance. I know at my age, savings should be a priority and the safety net but it’s not the case….and even if it were, UI would be utilized before the savings. UI will pay me 50% of my net pay which would cover all my bills (including meds, groceries and cable) but there would be no shopping or excursions so trying to groupon and stock up on wardrobe essentials as much as possible while I can. The ads are not part of my fallback plan…while I have had some incredible luck with 2 or 3 responders ($200 to have dinner at a 4 star restaurant with someone…more money for nothing), it’s too inconsistent and I am not as…into it (for lack of better words) as I used to be. Truly, I am in a space and place where I would rather be alone and heal, grow and learn self-validation than deal with transient men.
For now, I still have the assignment so the contingency plan is on hold…Friday was to be my last day but I have been extended again…for how long, I don’t know. I am quite sure there are people who would kill to have a job (of whatever duration) where all you do is show up, surf the net and go to lunch…UTA likes to tell me all the time it’s FREE money!! But I have to pull my weight, I have to be engaged on multiple levels and I need to feel that I make a difference. I need the new beginning, the new people, new skills…I felt more productive doing laundry and domestic chores this weekend than I had all work week…and until I get that in an assignment again, going to adopt an attitude of gratitude and recognize this assignment for the blessing it is…it’s just not packaged the way I would want it to be.
Okay, going to wrap this up…and just so you know, this was not the blog post I set out to write but it seems the perfect segue to the post on addiction/recovery which is coming soon. Going to spend the rest of this gorgeous Sunday relaxing and catching up on yet more TV shows (this is the best fall TV season I have seen in a long time!) and football while trying to figure out my outfits for the work week.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!