If someone were to ask you to fill in the blank on this statement, what would you say? Life is too short to ____________? Would you say to be sad? To be unhappy? Or maybe life is too short to not take chances. That’s a good one, right? Well, I have my answer, and I have to say my choice surprises me given who I am. My answer would be: Life is too short to have bad sex. And I am pretty pissed I have wasted a lot of this short time on earth either having it or obsessing over the men who gave it to me.
Think back…how many truly GOOD lovers have you had? The lovers who make it all about not you, not them but the togetherness you create when you are joined in sweaty sheets? Who makes you catch your breath and want to both rush to the next part and slow it down so you can replay it in slow motion in your mind later? Who does so on a consistent basis or maybe it was just a one-time thing that when you think about it, can still arouse you? Where there was no mental, no emotional, no friendship…just primal lust and urges being satisfied and carnal appetites being sated. Yeah, I have had one. That’s right…one.
Surprising given how I use sex in my life but I can compartmentalize sex….it has been a tool for making ends meet, a means of validation and in a committed relationship, it is a way to express my feelings without saying a word. Yes, I am a passionate, skilled and intuitive lover who likes to explore, push boundaries and please. Not a lot of people have that combination when it comes to sex. I once had a guy tell me that while he may not be as well versed in sex as I am, he was experienced and had skills. While some people come by great sexual skills naturally, most of us learn via experience and in my cases…I study porn. (Everything can be research to me) So he was not happy when I pointed out his experience was limited to one person (his wife of 16 years) and his skills could not be that great since she no longer had interest in having sex with him. (Important to note, this guy was not a client)
I had a great line (or 2 or 3) inserted here but since I have probably already come across as a know it all, quasi-judgmental bitch (blame it on a past filled with being used, abused and making poor choices in men and a smidgen of bitterness/being jaded), just going to leave it out. Instead, going to tell you all a tidbit I learned when I made an impromptu visit to the Island. Surprisingly, did not go to see Him (one good thing PC did was knock Him off the radar) and was hoping I would not see Him. Which I didn’t…I saw the German, Mama, the Barbie Dolls and a few other people. No Quiet One (she was at the gym) and no Chef (he was at lunch already) and while chatting with the German and Mama, Him came up. According to Mama, the man is (still) incredibly happy, yet he and BTH/BTG are living in separate housing (not separated, just different houses) and the homes are separated by the beltway, she is still not working and Him is paying all the bills for both households. The ONLY thing I took away from this information is that the two guys I fell for and exposed myself to…the two guys who said I was all things wonderful (even after the cursing and crazy) and praised my sexual prowess, both left me to marry women they don’t even live under the same roof with; over in PC’s camp, while MG is sending kisses and greetings from Utah, PC is still a single dad living in the suburbs of DC. I swear… the more I see, the more I hear…the better off I am.
On with the rest of the post… when it comes to the men I have fallen for and been a fool over, I can honestly say that sex has never been a driving force behind my obsessiveness/love with/for them. It has been a matter of personality, intimacy, possibilities, expectations…basically everything but sex. Because sex with them was infrequent, unsatisfying and sometimes…a matter of both. Going to break it down really quick (we have covered this ground before…somewhat) and try to explain why I stayed even without the excuse of “but the sex was great.”
Married Man: Only two good things came from having sex with this man: I learned it was okay to have an orgasm with your lover and he gave amazingly awesome breast play. Those huge, wet lips of his were good for something at least. Other than that, sex with Married Man was awful. Just…awful. He had ADHD when it came to sex…he was touching and grabbing everywhere while trying to jam his cock any and everywhere. See, I like to take turns when it comes to sex…you lay back and let me enjoy myself with your body and then I lay back and let you enjoy my body. He couldn’t even do that right….he was always trying to look, see, watch…it was worse than trying to get a toddler to keep their eyes closed when you are trying to give them a pleasant surprise. AND he was one of those who would stop or switch positions often when having intercourse…don’t get me started on that crap. It’s weird…AFO and PC changed positions also and it was fine, but I think because I wanted it to be OVER when it came to Married Man, I just had little patience for his…whatevers. We all know I stayed because I felt that he was the best thing ever…just know I was still detoxing from 15 years of crack addiction when I had that thought.
Him: We had the chemistry, the connection, the sparks….I was so great it magnified his inadequacy issues and he loved to give oral. For long periods of time. So what the hell happened? On his end, the man had no stamina. I know I say stamina is overrated but seriously, Him was a three pump chump. That’s it. While I am one of the 80% of women who do not have an orgasm as a result of intercourse, I do enjoy being filled and worked out…three strokes isn’t going to get it. On my end, I did not trust him and kept wondering why he was with me…I read his emails, and knew him was still hung up on at least two women (Dead Ex Wife and Gold Digger #1), so I wondered who he was thinking of when he was performing on me or when I performed on him; I wondered was he comparing me and I wondered why he couldn’t love me since he always told me how amazing I was in and out the bedroom. Bottom line, there were too many people (real and imagined) involved and not enough of the manpower needed to fulfill the promises of all the sexual chemistry.
AFO: There were so many things unsatisfying about sex with this guy but it all boiled down to never having an orgasm with him/because of him. I am the chick who needs the foreplay, the buildup and the anticipation. And it takes me awhile to reach the level of buildup that is going to take me over the edge…and AFO has never been known for his patient, giving nature. Three minutes tops comprised his foreplay which was kissing, licking nipples and back to kissing. Then it was his turn for oral which again, lasted maybe three minutes. Then it was the dildo in his mouth and ass (10 minutes) and nothing but sex. No, correct that…jackhammer fucking. Repeatedly. It was too much and no buildup and no pleasing or being pleased. There was no me, no him, no us…it was his dick. Period. No mental, emotional or physical connection whatsoever. I have no idea what I was thinking…I really don’t.
Prince Charming: Let me state upfront, sex had nothing to do with my feelings for the man. After all, it was not a huge component of what we had. We had physical sex twice and some sexting. The core of what drew me to him was intimacy, attention, and the fact that he checked off every freaking box on my God, please send me a man wish list. He presented himself as serious, sincere and interested in taking us and what we had to the next level and I wanted that with this man. He was interested in me on more than a sexual level and that was refreshing. After all, sex is not the only nor is it the biggest aspect of a relationship. I already knew he was sexually inexperienced (who doesn’t know if they have been in a 3some or not?) and his reluctance to give oral was NOT to my liking, but he wanted to know my goals and dreams and about my crazy. He understood why I went/go crazy. I think I miss him all over again, because who does that? Yes, he was well endowed but couple that with having little to no moves and not knowing the difference between a woman being wet and having an orgasm (and he should know…he had given me one before and heard me during phone sex… I am a freaking screaming banshee)…I think a regular sex life with him would have been capital B boring. But he gave me so much more on other levels, I would grab some porn and make it up to myself.
So, I hung in there for far too long with men who proved to be all kinds of things bad, not good and unhealthy. I was willing to compromise on a lot of things including sexual satisfaction, and again, while sex is not a huge part of a relationship in the big picture…it IS a part of it and both parties should not only enjoy it, but gain satisfaction from it. I promise, if I get back on the Carousel of Love, not falling until we have done the deed at least three times. I have fallen too many times for the trap that is anticipatory sex. Besides, life is too short to have bad sex and KEEP having it.
Okay, this post was longer than I thought so going to wrap it up. I shall return soon with more posts and hopefully some good news on the job front. Hell, maybe just some good news period. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!