(Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

If someone were to ask you to fill in the blank on this statement, what would you say? Life is too short to ____________? Would you say to be sad? To be unhappy? Or maybe life is too short to not take chances. That’s a good one, right? Well, I have my answer, and I have to say my choice surprises me given who I am. My answer would be: Life is too short to have bad sex. And I am pretty pissed I have wasted a lot of this short time on earth either having it or obsessing over the men who gave it to me.

Think back…how many truly GOOD lovers have you had? The lovers who make it all about not you, not them but the togetherness you create when you are joined in sweaty sheets? Who makes you catch your breath and want to both rush to the next part and slow it down so you can replay it in slow motion in your mind later? Who does so on a consistent basis or maybe it was just a one-time thing that when you think about it, can still arouse you? Where there was no mental, no emotional, no friendship…just primal lust and urges being satisfied and carnal appetites being sated. Yeah, I have had one. That’s right…one.

Surprising given how I use sex in my life but I can compartmentalize sex….it has been a tool for making ends meet, a means of validation and in a committed relationship, it is a way to express my feelings without saying a word. Yes, I am a passionate, skilled and intuitive lover who likes to explore, push boundaries and please. Not a lot of people have that combination when it comes to sex. I once had a guy tell me that while he may not be as well versed in sex as I am, he was experienced and had skills. While some people come by great sexual skills naturally, most of us learn via experience and in my cases…I study porn. (Everything can be research to me) So he was not happy when I pointed out his experience was limited to one person (his wife of 16 years) and his skills could not be that great since she no longer had interest in having sex with him. (Important to note, this guy was not a client)

I had a great line (or 2 or 3) inserted here but since I have probably already come across as a know it all, quasi-judgmental bitch (blame it on a past filled with being used, abused and making poor choices in men and a smidgen of bitterness/being jaded), just going to leave it out. Instead, going to tell you all a tidbit I learned when I made an impromptu visit to the Island. Surprisingly, did not go to see Him (one good thing PC did was knock Him off the radar) and was hoping I would not see Him. Which I didn’t…I saw the German, Mama, the Barbie Dolls and a few other people. No Quiet One (she was at the gym) and no Chef (he was at lunch already) and while chatting with the German and Mama, Him came up. According to Mama, the man is (still) incredibly happy, yet he and BTH/BTG are living in separate housing (not separated, just different houses) and the homes are separated by the beltway, she is still not working and Him is paying all the bills for both households. The ONLY thing I took away from this information is that the two guys I fell for and exposed myself to…the two guys who said I was all things wonderful (even after the cursing and crazy) and praised my sexual prowess, both left me to marry women they don’t even live under the same roof with; over in PC’s camp, while MG is sending kisses and greetings from Utah, PC is still a single dad living in the suburbs of DC. I swear… the more I see, the more I hear…the better off I am.

On with the rest of the post… when it comes to the men I have fallen for and been a fool over, I can honestly say that sex has never been a driving force behind my obsessiveness/love with/for them. It has been a matter of personality, intimacy, possibilities, expectations…basically everything but sex. Because sex with them was infrequent, unsatisfying and sometimes…a matter of both. Going to break it down really quick (we have covered this ground before…somewhat) and try to explain why I stayed even without the excuse of “but the sex was great.”

Married Man: Only two good things came from having sex with this man: I learned it was okay to have an orgasm with your lover and he gave amazingly awesome breast play. Those huge, wet lips of his were good for something at least. Other than that, sex with Married Man was awful. Just…awful. He had ADHD when it came to sex…he was touching and grabbing everywhere while trying to jam his cock any and everywhere. See, I like to take turns when it comes to sex…you lay back and let me enjoy myself with your body and then I lay back and let you enjoy my body. He couldn’t even do that right….he was always trying to look, see, watch…it was worse than trying to get a toddler to keep their eyes closed when you are trying to give them a pleasant surprise. AND he was one of those who would stop or switch positions often when having intercourse…don’t get me started on that crap. It’s weird…AFO and PC changed positions also and it was fine, but I think because I wanted it to be OVER when it came to Married Man, I just had little patience for his…whatevers. We all know I stayed because I felt that he was the best thing ever…just know I was still detoxing from 15 years of crack addiction when I had that thought.

Him: We had the chemistry, the connection, the sparks….I was so great it magnified his inadequacy issues and he loved to give oral. For long periods of time. So what the hell happened? On his end, the man had no stamina. I know I say stamina is overrated but seriously, Him was a three pump chump. That’s it. While I am one of the 80% of women who do not have an orgasm as a result of intercourse, I do enjoy being filled and worked out…three strokes isn’t going to get it. On my end, I did not trust him and kept wondering why he was with me…I read his emails, and knew him was still hung up on at least two women (Dead Ex Wife and Gold Digger #1), so I wondered who he was thinking of when he was performing on me or when I performed on him; I wondered was he comparing me and I wondered why he couldn’t love me since he always told me how amazing I was in and out the bedroom. Bottom line, there were too many people (real and imagined) involved and not enough of the manpower needed to fulfill the promises of all the sexual chemistry.

AFO: There were so many things unsatisfying about sex with this guy but it all boiled down to never having an orgasm with him/because of him. I am the chick who needs the foreplay, the buildup and the anticipation. And it takes me awhile to reach the level of buildup that is going to take me over the edge…and AFO has never been known for his patient, giving nature. Three minutes tops comprised his foreplay which was kissing, licking nipples and back to kissing. Then it was his turn for oral which again, lasted maybe three minutes. Then it was the dildo in his mouth and ass (10 minutes) and nothing but sex. No, correct that…jackhammer fucking. Repeatedly. It was too much and no buildup and no pleasing or being pleased. There was no me, no him, no us…it was his dick. Period. No mental, emotional or physical connection whatsoever. I have no idea what I was thinking…I really don’t.

Prince Charming: Let me state upfront, sex had nothing to do with my feelings for the man. After all, it was not a huge component of what we had. We had physical sex twice and some sexting. The core of what drew me to him was intimacy, attention, and the fact that he checked off every freaking box on my God, please send me a man wish list. He presented himself as serious, sincere and interested in taking us and what we had to the next level and I wanted that with this man. He was interested in me on more than a sexual level and that was refreshing. After all, sex is not the only nor is it the biggest aspect of a relationship. I already knew he was sexually inexperienced (who doesn’t know if they have been in a 3some or not?) and his reluctance to give oral was NOT to my liking, but he wanted to know my goals and dreams and about my crazy. He understood why I went/go crazy. I think I miss him all over again, because who does that? Yes, he was well endowed but couple that with having little to no moves and not knowing the difference between a woman being wet and having an orgasm (and he should know…he had given me one before and heard me during phone sex… I am a freaking screaming banshee)…I think a regular sex life with him would have been capital B boring. But he gave me so much more on other levels, I would grab some porn and make it up to myself.

So, I hung in there for far too long with men who proved to be all kinds of things bad, not good and unhealthy. I was willing to compromise on a lot of things including sexual satisfaction, and again, while sex is not a huge part of a relationship in the big picture…it IS a part of it and both parties should not only enjoy it, but gain satisfaction from it. I promise, if I get back on the Carousel of Love, not falling until we have done the deed at least three times. I have fallen too many times for the trap that is anticipatory sex. Besides, life is too short to have bad sex and KEEP having it.

Okay, this post was longer than I thought so going to wrap it up. I shall return soon with more posts and hopefully some good news on the job front. Hell, maybe just some good news period. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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One More Thing…

Have I told you Lovebugs that the assignment is over? It ended about a week ago and while I am glad to sleep in, be lazy and stay up late just because I can, I do miss getting up and about. The plans I had to catch up on laundry, organize and change over closets, catch matinees and maybe budget in a getaway (not happening) are just that…plans. I have done nothing and while there is some guilt, I am okay with that.

Today’s post is yet another admission…in previous posts I told you all about researching the small town in Utah (in addition to the college and the AutoZone, it is filled with turkey farms) and how I was looking into LDS…not sure what I was smoking but that was definitely the crazy doing what it does. But I took the LDS thing a little bit further…I posted an ad on Craigslist in UTAH, asking for advice and testimonials as to the pros and cons of the religion and for life in Utah in general. I did not tell anyone because I felt I had revealed enough crazy for a lifetime over a guy who really, really turned out to be so not worth it and I wanted to maintain some semblance of dignity and sanity. I mean, come on….it’s Obsessed Me, Craigslist, Utah and LDS…enough said. But Artsy Craftsy told me that we have all been here/there…becoming something else for someone else and Honeybee insisted I tell it…it was too unreal and too funny (in a did she really do that) kind of way.

I will say that I chose this route to do research because the Mormons are pushing some serious propaganda. I fully understand that everyone wants to be presented in the best light, but LDS presents their religion as one that does no wrong. Did you know Utah is the center of the “suicide belt”? (other states include Oregon, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Nevada and Oklahoma) That Utah leads the nation in youth/teen suicides (over 20 a year and 2 suicide attempts a day) and is 8th in the nation with adult suicides? Utah has the highest rate of antidepressant usage in the nation and leads the nation in divorce. Is it just coincidence that Utah is considered “headquarters” (term actually used by Utah dwelling Mormons) for the Church of Latter day Saints or is there a correlation between the church and these statistics? The Church says no and that it is in fact helping those in need. No one I talked to sees how.

So I post my ad and posted it on both the men’s section and the women’s section. Not one woman responded and that does not surprise me…women like me read CL and women like me don’t live in places like Utah. The men who answered fell into two categories…the promoters who kept directing to the LDS website or the ones who needed someone to talk to…apparently, being a Mormon is hard work. They all sent pictures and I swear, these men look old, beaten and odd. They are either ghostly pale or that reddish-brown color white folks get when they burn versus tan. They all had facial hair (not sure if it is a Mormon thing or a Utah thing, but PC was clean shaven with me, and has facial hair with his new life as a Utah dwelling Mormon), all were relatively young (no one over 40) and with the exception of a couple of guys, all lived in “bigger” towns such as Salt Lake City, Provo and Logan. They were all born and raised in Utah and never left except for their church mandated mission. They all had strangely shaped heads and very bland and plain features. Nothing about them stood out except they had that rugged look mountain men are known to have. Seriously, one guy who was pasty, bald headed and pudgy reminded me of Buddha…if Buddha had a light bulb shaped head.

The Church of Latter Day Saints (the true name of the church) was founded in 1820 by Joseph Smith and they do use the Bible, but an LDS version of the King James Bible. The LDS version has footnotes, indexes and summaries that align with the Book of Mormon, which was written by a prophet named Mormon and covers time/life/teachings from 2500 BC to 400 AD. The church is known best for polygamy which began because the Lord commanded plural marriages unto them; on a practical side, it was a way to populate the church. Their most famous founder (at least to me), Brigham Young had 55 wives. The Church says that polygamy was banned in 1890 but stories and rumors of polygamous marriages and unions plague the Church to this day. According the men I talked with, there is ANOTHER church….the Reorganized Church of Latter Day Saints where polygamy is still practiced. I was just like….for real? Another church? The LDS church has been plagued by stories of believing in spaceships and that Heaven (or Glory as the men called it) was in outer space. In fact, Joseph Smith said that there are men living on the moon who dress like Quakers and lived to be nearly 1000 years old. No one had heard of that story but not sure how they could have missed it…it’s their church, their religion. Based on what I was told and led to understand, the Mormons believe that we all go to Glory upon death, even the most vile and evil amongst us, but there are levels to Glory…we are placed here to learn and practice self-control to attain the “top prize” so to speak…the uppermost level of Glory.

And the race for the top prize starts early: LDS children are to be honor roll students, are expected to be chaste and to achieve levels of higher education to be pillars of the community: doctors, lawyers, engineers and nurses are common career choices offered to LDS children. The males must embark on a church mission (2 years in duration) to another location (sometimes international) where they are cut off from the outside world…no TV, no cell phone, no internet, no radio, no newspapers…and spread the Mormon Gospel.

Sex is allowed only within marriage…no petting, kissing, making out are allowed before marriage. Masturbation and the watching of porn are not allowed, period. (That fact alone would have me bolting for the door) This may be the reason they encourage marriage by the age of 25. One guy I talked to is 28 and single…according to the church he should be married with 3 kids by now; he faces pressure and judgment every day from everyone. Within marriage, it is intercourse only…no oral, no anal, no kink. And extra marital affairs can get one excommunicated, where a person is shunned from the church, their family and community. One is not allowed to drink coffee, tea, alcohol, use tobacco products or use illegal drugs/substances. I can see the tobacco, alcohol and drugs…your body is your temple. However, their reasoning is that one needs to abstain from things which could cause addiction and adverse effects on the person, family and community…except everything has the potential for being an addiction. Everything. They are not allowed to watch R rated movies….too filled with worldly things. Like sex and coffee.

To me, it seems the church is pushing an agenda of perfection and wholesome…things that simply do not exist. They are ideals only. I do not like the intrusive way the church is with people’s lives….I believe that the church is a place of worship and fellowship and offers guidance, support and supplements to a healthy and balanced life….it doesn’t push one to lead a certain type of life, but helps you get on and stay on a path pleasing to God. THIS is why I am more spiritual than religious…free will and forgiveness are wonderful things. I don’t see that here. I see everything forbidden being more of a temptation and here is a fun thing I learned: Mormon men and women cheat all.the.time (probably leading to the high divorce rate) and Mormon men more often than not lead double lives and almost always hide their faith when they do so. This must be why they interview folks before allowing them entry to the church…its hard work and not everyone is cut out for it. For what it’s worth, I understand that short of the adultery thing, one can fall short and still be a member of the church…you won’t be allowed access to certain activities or participate in some groups but they won’t kick you out.

Okay, wrapping this up (hopefully once and for all)…no more admissions, no more secrets, no more crazy…at least for now. I am kind of glad I went through this bout of quiet crazy…forever, I have thought a person’s religious beliefs were not an important factor unless we were discussing children or marriage…it’s important to know once you start getting monogamous and somewhat serious. And I found out that no matter how much you are willing to change for someone, it does no good if they aren’t willing to change also. I would say just don’t change, but with the right person (or who comes across as the right one), we will change…hopefully for the better.

Check back soon for new posts and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Southern Belle

Life is short. This may quite possibly be the most overused and perhaps meaningless statement in our society. I say overused and meaningless because we use the phrase as justification and a motivator when we don’t have to and we never ever live life as if it is short. We act as if we have an unlimited amount of tomorrows. People say life is short when they are ready to take another chance on love…as if love needs an excuse or a justification….well, you know, I do like them a LOT and life is short. Or to justify taking time for ourselves, such as vacation or using those sick days at work…life is too short not to pamper yourself. When we are all about being healthy and active and toning those thighs and trimming that tummy, the phrase is a motivator…life’s too short, stay healthy and enjoy an improved quality of it…for couch potatoes like me, people tell you what a gorgeous day out it is…life’s too short to be inside. More often than not though, we hear that life is short when someone has died…and at that point, life is no longer short. Life is over.

Time is relative…..I have been clean and sober 12 years, which most people would agree is a long time….but what if a 12 year old child were struck down? Too short, right? Yet, it’s 12 years in both instances….the only difference is my recovery is not struck down and I have a chance at making another year. So what determines a short life versus a long one? And have you factored in whether one lives 10 years or a 100 years…you will remain dead for far, far longer than you ever lived? I know I am sounding morbid and probably not making a lot of sense, but I found out an incredibly good friend of mine has passed away. Cancer. Stared in one lung, quickly spread to the other lung and then it spread again…to her brain. I was shocked and hurt and well, the first thing to cross my lips? Life’s too short. Of course, I say life is too short because I had not called her or emailed her in awhile…so life was too short because I did not have that one more day to be able to make time for a phone call.

For her, she would say her life was neither long nor short…her life was full. Southern Belle did what she loved and she did it with those she loved. This woman was random and eclectic: she loved indie horror films and Gone with the Wind. She was an equestrian turned rancher who lived on the beach. She was an amazing cook who didn’t have an appetite and when she did get hungry, preferred to eat out. She was roommates with her ex and engaged to be married. She was not a fan of celebrity, she was a fan of talent. She could design websites (NICE websites, not the basic ones) but was clueless about computer updates and defrags.

I met her when I first fell into my 9 ½ Weeks obsession…she ran a group dedicated to Mickey Rourke and she and Chica (amazing graphic artist, writer and advocate for those with special needs) took me under their wing. Southern Belle was aghast at my never having seen at least 80 of AFI’s top 100 films, she introduced me to Big Brother (season 8), My Redneck Wedding (whatever happened to that show?) and when I first went to an upscale steakhouse, she was the one who told me how to order my steak. We talked constantly, we laughed , we cried, we lamented over men and she was the one who told me I was spending too much time obsessing over the bad and not enough over the good.

I never really talked to others about Southern Belle…she was like a best kept secret. But she propped me up when I was feeling low, she taught me the art of debate and conceding gracefully and how to get by on 3 hours of sleep and still look beautiful doing it. She was always so lively and full of life, I cannot imagine her sick but I can see her doing what I do…no need for a doctor, some rest and a few pain pills and all will be well. (We fussed at each other constantly about lack of medical attention) All she wanted to do was live life…and live it, she did. She accomplished her dreams and goals and she would never say life is short. She would say life is amazing and fun and a bitch but it goes by fast so catch up and keep up with it.

Rest in Peace, my sweet, sweet Southern Belle.

Coming Clean

I am done chasing stupid…when I started this blog/journal and I first met some of you, I was chasing stupid and learning to embrace and indulge the crazy. I posted and posted and posted ad nauseum about how Him really loved me, how Him was returning and all I was going to say and do once he did. I said the man did not love BTH and it was just a matter of time before he realized that WE (he and I) belonged together. Yeah, well…we know how that turned out and frankly, the man rarely crosses my mind. All that crazy and wasted time over a man I no longer think about and if I do…I am cringing with embarrassment. That came about because I finally accepted what the hell happened and when time finally healed the wound over, I was able to see that it was nothing I did that caused this. My refusal to accept and to keep obsessing and pick and force myself upon a situation that no longer existed prolonged the pain and hurt and delayed the healing. Because I was thinking and behaving as a victim, not as a survivor who deserved and was destined for better.

Then along came AFO, where I did not chase the stupid but rather…I ignored it because I was ready for anyone or anything to call my own…to belong anywhere. Even in a long distance, military relationship. The moment that I accepted that AFO was emotionally detached, somewhat disconnected from reality and great at manipulating my people pleasing tendencies…once I accepted all we shared was frequent, mediocre sex, I was so much better off.

And then came Prince Charming…I was in a good place when he came along. I was happy, single and not looking for anyone or anything. He pursued and wooed me, he grew on me and got inside my head and my heart. He made me see I wanted a someone, not an anyone. The man had me chasing stupid and crazy at the same time once he stopped chasing me, abandoning my self everythings (seriously, HE lied and cheated and I am begging him to come back so I can be his side piece) and PC brought Sherlock Homegirl out of retirement. My achievements via stalking (which started with ONE picture) amaze even myself: I have basically compiled his entire Facebook friends’ list, have figured out who he’s related to, who MG is related to, where everyone lives, when he (maybe) and the Mexi-Cali crew (for sure) moved to Utah (still not sure if he is there or here), what life is like in his town, where his mama lives (even saw a picture of the home), when his ex remarried, that he and pretty much everyone involved is Mormon….I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

I told you guys about reading the newspaper…but there are other things I didn’t tell you beginning with I was going to subscribe to the paper but figured since it is published weekly, sells for 75 cents and the powers that be rarely update their Facebook page…an out of town subscriber would make the paper. That is all I need. Or that the only reason I didn’t like the paper’s Facebook page is so no one I knew would know I was stalking in such a pathetic manner. I looked up rates for the only hotel in that town (where they served a complimentary and delicious Belgian waffle breakfast) and when I read the reviews, there was only one, and it was more a warning (liked by 5 members of the town): “Avoid Utah at all costs.” Of course, I then promptly looked up air fares since there would be plenty of rooms available.

I looked into becoming a Mormon (yes, I really did) because I figured that was why he left me, treated me like shit and married MG. It was because I wasn’t a Mormon and she was. After all, similar religious beliefs are important in a long term, committed relationship and Mormons marry within their faith. (I promise you, I am no longer this crazy) Never mind the fact Prince Charming came to me with lies…perpetual, constant, pathological lies….that he left because he got found out and still continued to lie and he would rather leave than tell the truth…I figured he was being a disrespectful coward because I was not a Mormon and he had no idea how to ask me to become one. I also felt as if I were missing out on something…hell, if he and his entire family and his fiancée and her family were all Mormons….maybe there was something I was not seeing or overlooking or….something. I am here to tell you….being a Mormon is NOT for me. Not going to publicly bash the religion as I do try to at least give a semblance of respect but any religion where one must be interviewed before being accepted into the church, where coffee, tea, alcohol and tobacco are forbidden and can have one summarily dismissed, where they don’t have pastors or preachers but presidents, and a religion where there is an America and a White America and anyone of African American descent was NOT welcome for over a century and when you look at them today, still not one person of color ? There is a strong Hispanic presence within the LDS church but being out West, I have that being the result of a captive audience or easy pickings. I just don’t think we know the same God.

But chasing the crazy and the stupid is over…and one thing I am proud of is I went crazy quietly this time…there was no screaming, no depression, no violence or threats of violence. There was obsession and stalking but even they were pretty harmless. My friends and Panel did not have to monitor me 24/7 and be nursemaids…they could just let me be and trust that all would be standing and intact the next day. Well, except for the first round of crazy where I did not sleep for almost 30 hours. Special thanks to Feisty One and Chef for listening (a LOT), to UTA for stating all.the.time that Utah is the absolute worst state. Ever. And to New Mommy for insisting that PC was a butthole and no one likes buttholes. I did lose Morning Person along the way but I think she was ready to go…for whatever reasons, don’t know. All I know is I reached out, she ignored it and has not seen fit to reach out since. But I have calmed down, accepted that PC really is a bunch of negative, not good things and all I did was trust and believe. I see now that while PC filled some voids and appealed to the Little Girl in me, he was not enough to satisfy the woman I am. And now that I have decided to quit chasing stupid and let crazy get some much needed rest….stupid has come looking for me. Again. And again, it is in the form of those little boys who masquerade as men I seem to attract and fall for.

The New Stupid is one I shall call Secret Agent Man. I met him here on the assignment (no, he does not work here) and this is one of those things where if it were to work out, I will say we were meant to be; if it doesn’t, I will stop talking to strangers. The day we met, I was not even supposed to be here (remember the last minute extension?) and he was supposed to be on another assignment…he got swapped out last minute. I did not want him to be in the reception area with me…there was another guy I was hoping to be able to talk to, but Secret Agent Man was talkative and friendly and I did not wish to be rude. Besides, it was real and sociable contact with someone during work hours. How often does that happen around here? He was flirtatious, told me that my height did not intimidate him and he found me funny, intelligent and a very pretty woman. I found out he is 9 years younger than me, divorced with a daughter, jazz is his favorite genre of music (Ella Fitzgerald in particular) and Robert Duvall is his favorite actor. He wanted me to take his number down but this time around I decided to put the ball in the man’s court first…if he wants to talk to me…he can call me. So I gave Secret Agent Man my phone number and he told me to look for his calls (plural!) soon and often….and of course, 2 days later…nothing. I thought maybe he was going to run a full background check on me before calling but he knew some things about me already…like the fact that I am a temp on assignment. I didn’t tell him and not wearing a sign that reads: TEMP. But if that were the case, why offer up his number? Then I said maybe he is busy…and I have had enough busy from men to last two lifetimes. So that isn’t an acceptable excuse any longer. All I can say is: thanks Universe for reminding that stupid still exists before it wastes my time and energy and emotion.

So wrapping up this post…again, not the one I set out to write but one that needed to be written. I always tell you: you will always get the truth from me…sometimes, just not when it happens. I will be back soon with posts on topics I actually have started drafting that hopefully convey the new beginning and peace/contentment I have embarked on. Please check back soon for new posts and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Money for Nothing

I am having a cycle…a full blown, cramping, bloating, Japanese Flag (big red circle on white sheet) accidents cycle. Haven’t had one of these since White Baby (which is actually peripause…the first step of menopause) came on the scene and as TMI as this is, it seems pretty fitting given my mood of late. Believe me when I tell you I am NOT sad, angry, disappointed or anything of the sort…I am feeling blah and stagnant. Unusual adjectives to be sure but the only ones that seem to fit.

I think my current mood stems from my professional life….my personal life is nonexistent and I am okay with that right now. Still healing, still growing from Prince Charming and simply not ready to let the guards down and the trust issues go to give the next guy his fair chance should he come along. Still hung up in some ways, still have a little hope and expectation but I think we all stay hung up on the last one in some form or fashion until the new one comes along, so not worried about that. But my professional? It had been going so well when I was with the Best Team Ever…it was challenging, fun and social, much the way all of my assignments except the one with the think tank had gone. Then, DC government had no idea what the hell was going on and the present assignment has stretched on forever…2 weeks is now 2 months and counting.

I think I need to clarify that I am grateful for this assignment on a lot of levels: it gives me a full paycheck every week, it has kept a 2 month gap from appearing on my resume (I know folks say a gap that small isn’t significant but the economy is still weak, the market still competitive so to appear in demand is an edge and a blessing) and I get to wear my pretty clothes while admiring a view not many get to see. However, my ideal assignment keeps me challenged, busy and allows me to socialize on a regular basis. This assignment offers none of that and when I was first offered the position, that was fine since it was 2 weeks…maybe 4 weeks tops. I did think it would have a more social aspect to it since it was front desk and when the extensions came (on a weekly basis), I thought my responsibilities would increase…but they didn’t.

So I am sitting at a desk in a reception area alone 95% of the time with nothing to do and you know what they say about idle anything….let’s face it, the internet is only so big although I did find the perfect meme that puts Prince Charming (Disney’s version) in a brand new light and while Facebook stalking is at an all-time low, it still happens…and not even going to get into me reading the Utah newspaper. That’s…ridiculous but I have noticed that Utah is in the news more than ever…not sure if the crazy is now at a national level out there or if it is because PC is on my mind more than I even realize, but there it is…maybe reading the newspaper was the next natural step. For a stalker, probably.

I do and am continuing my job search…the position that was to be the next big thing complete with not so ideal commute and teaching me things I have no idea about is lost in limbo. Last I heard, I was the #1 candidate and had not been rejected, but they were interviewing others who may have more 508 Compliance experience and I am just like….who HAS that? I know what it is in theory…all I need is a chance to put theory into practice. Not putting all my eggs in that basket but am trying to remain flexible should they say I am their pick, so registered with three other local agencies and applying for positions that sound interesting and that I would be qualified for.

A contingency plan is in place which involves unemployment insurance. I know at my age, savings should be a priority and the safety net but it’s not the case….and even if it were, UI would be utilized before the savings. UI will pay me 50% of my net pay which would cover all my bills (including meds, groceries and cable) but there would be no shopping or excursions so trying to groupon and stock up on wardrobe essentials as much as possible while I can. The ads are not part of my fallback plan…while I have had some incredible luck with 2 or 3 responders ($200 to have dinner at a 4 star restaurant with someone…more money for nothing), it’s too inconsistent and I am not as…into it (for lack of better words) as I used to be. Truly, I am in a space and place where I would rather be alone and heal, grow and learn self-validation than deal with transient men.

For now, I still have the assignment so the contingency plan is on hold…Friday was to be my last day but I have been extended again…for how long, I don’t know. I am quite sure there are people who would kill to have a job (of whatever duration) where all you do is show up, surf the net and go to lunch…UTA likes to tell me all the time it’s FREE money!! But I have to pull my weight, I have to be engaged on multiple levels and I need to feel that I make a difference. I need the new beginning, the new people, new skills…I felt more productive doing laundry and domestic chores this weekend than I had all work week…and until I get that in an assignment again, going to adopt an attitude of gratitude and recognize this assignment for the blessing it is…it’s just not packaged the way I would want it to be.

Okay, going to wrap this up…and just so you know, this was not the blog post I set out to write but it seems the perfect segue to the post on addiction/recovery which is coming soon. Going to spend the rest of this gorgeous Sunday relaxing and catching up on yet more TV shows (this is the best fall TV season I have seen in a long time!) and football while trying to figure out my outfits for the work week.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!