I am supposed to be writing about recovery…and I will, but wanted to write down what and how I am feeling now. Trust me, I will need to read this again and thinking no one will mind not hearing about how awful love is. See, I have been hearing that I look happy, I am back to being Robin and I am going to say …I am. Emotionally and physically. However, this is precarious territory..at least for now it is. Right now, I am in either/or mode: either I am going to move forward fully with my life or I am going to mosey along and compare my progress to the life others have chosen for themselves. I can feel, love and be thinking of me…or them. Today, I choose me. For a little over a week, I have chosen to move forward fully and it has been so effortless, I am scared that it is incredibly temporary and next week, I will be trying to book a flight to Utah and seeing if Ray needs any help serving up that pie.
The demise of my fairy tale with Prince Charming and Dottie were/are still intertwined for me and I had a hard time getting a grasp on both of them, so it is only fitting I am letting both go at the same time. Well, not Dottie….that chick has set up house for now and all I can do is try to coexist peacefully with her. I do the wrong things, she cuts up; I do the right things and she still cuts up. I cannot keep giving in to the tiredness or planning out last wishes and videotaped messages when her sugar levels spiral in either direction. How can one gain control over something if they are constantly giving in to it? So on weekends, I make myself do something,even if it’s just take a shower and make the bed. I am cutting back a LOT on the chocolate, I am walking more and trying to plan activities at least twice a month…one can be sedentary (dinner, movies, comedy club) and the other is active (museums). Not noticing a big difference even though there is weight loss and days I have more energy, but I just feel I am on the right track with Dottie and that just maybe, she may be cooperating. Finally.
When it comes to Prince Charming,…truthfully, this letting go has been around awhile, just waiting for me to catch up with it. Not sure when the rocks in my tummy went away and the dread fell off, but I want to say common sense has finally returned to my body. I say if the butterflies and tingly feelings you get when you like/fall for someone is common sense leaving your body,the rocks and dread is common sense returning. I can tell stories of happy times with PC and not fall to pieces or wonder what the hell happened; the Facebook stalking has served to help heal and no longer hurts. In fact, I am finding it to be a bit unnecessary at this point in time. Seriously, the man is treating the woman he married the same as he treated me…and I look at things like this: it’s okay to be on the same page when you are dating, but once you marry someone? You have to be telling/writing the same story and this is a man who needs other people to tell his truth and reality for him. The actions he has taken, the choices he has made…even he won’t tell it…others have told it for him. I am better than that and deserve better. Even if I gained 200 more pounds and every tooth in my head fell out, I deserve someone who respects me enough to tell me the truth and to tell the world how proud and happy he is to have me.
Happiness comes in bits and pieces, not large lump sums…and I have been making the most of the happiness that comes my way. I have been to the Crime and Punishment Museum and had a blast!! I shot a rifle at the OK Corral and hit 5 bulleyes, took a lie detector test, saw John Wayne Gacy’s clown costumes, Bonnie and Clyde’s car, got my fingerprint taken, explored the CSI crime lab, got in the stockade, saw Ted Bundy’s car and participated in a lineup. I walked the entire museum (including stairs since there was no elevator) for over 2 hours and did not rest until I got to the Black market exhibit where it was either sit down or fall out. I went to a family cookout where I met relatives I did not even know I had and ate plate upon plate of yummy, grilled goodness and laughed my ass off. The people at the current assignment are opening up to me and I am having conversations about weekends, horrible commutes and TV shows. I can appreciate the gifts PC gave me that did not come in boxes or bags or with price tags: I see my beauty (on some days), I have my confidence and esteem again and I am comfortable in my skin. I am even going to toss the ads…I am too happy about no responses and just the thought of being with anyone who doesn’t know me, respect me or wants to build a connection with me…I am beyond measure and my worth is more than dollars. I am worth diamonds and if you aren’t trying to go there with me, I cannot go anywhere with you.
While I am healing and making bigger strides than I have in a long time…still not out of the woods. The missing still comes and waves of sadness, longing and confusion come crashing down, and it is the day I realized we were over for good all over again. However, I am now allowing the moment to pass rather than grabbing on and holding onto it for dear life. The emotional shutdown is still in effect because there is still no trust for me or men and I see hidden agendas everywhere. The one night stand idea has been tossed…men have NO idea how to handle and treat women who give of themselves freely and I don’t have the discernment to see who is worthy of me on any level. And, there are no prospects….my top 3 consists of a guy who is either the Unabomber or a depressed, has been Bollywood actor, the ex-military divorced guy with 7 kids and the job at Six Flags and the really tall (6’8”) guy whose face could crack a brick wall and who feels I would walk faster if I were more active. He looked really embarrassed when I told him about the diabetes and TIA. Not saying I date the best looking guys or that I am even that great looking a girl, but one thing I always say: you don’t have to have looks, but you have to have personality, humor and intelligence. I’m not finding any of that.
So for now, I am happy. Happy and comfortable and okay. I love me and falling in like with me. Again. Not saying I have hope, but I do have optimism, and that is probably better. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!