Gotta Have It

This is the first blog post being written on the new laptop. Her name is Sadie. We don’t know each other and it’s weird. Her keyboard is unfamiliar and she was a bit resistant to my installing Zune software but all is well. Sadie has a webcam which I may or may not do ridiculous things with…at least I can now skype on a screen that is larger than my phone’s. But the camera is kinda grainy…wonder if that is normal or if it’s the lighting in my apartment. FYI…it’s soft lighting…makes the apartment look cleaner and me younger. Flossie has been restored to factory settings…I did not want to because Flossie had 8 years of my life on her…three relationships, who knows how many jobs, pictures and most importantly….emails that served as evidence of all of this. I know most folks would call them memories, but given who I have been with…it’s evidence. And I let go of most of it…I saved pictures, resumes and music….the Him emails, my blog post drafts, birthday greetings and a lot of other things got erased. I was sad, but new beginnings and all that.

So, was not sure what today’s post was going to be…I have lots of ideas and topics but decided to go with the topic I did some “girl on the street” research on. The question popped into my head one morning: fetishes: enhancement or dysfunction? I think of the most random questions…once I wracked my brains trying to figure out who had/held the keys to the front door of the White House, but that’s another story. Based on the nature of the question, decided to post it on Craigslist, home of “every other ad has the word fetish in it”. No idea what I was thinking as it is also the online home of Stupid, but the results are both sad and hilarious. I really had high hopes of thoughtful, intelligent discussions and maybe even talking to an actual fetishist as the initial responses were gung ho and enthusiastic; that is what I get for thinking people actually know the definitions of the words they use. Just know there was no answer to the question…hell, they did not even know the definition of fetish…it kept getting mixed up with preference, fantasy and kink when I wasn’t bombarded with the CL definition. Side note: men on CL have their own dictionary which can make your head hurt if you have ANY intelligence. The top three definitions of fetish according to the Men of Craigslist are as follows: a big booty, eating pussy and platonic can be sexual as long as you use the word friend/friendship. Don’t ask me about the last definition…no clue. .

A fetish is defined as an inanimate object, situations or body part not normally associated with sexual pleasure or arousal which must be present in order for the fetishist to achieve normal sexual performance and function. In other words, if the fetish isn’t present, no sex for you. The word itself means obsessive fascination and is defined by psychologists this way: a disorder when there is a pathological assignment of sexual fixation, fantasies or behaviors toward an inanimate object — frequently an item of clothing — such as underclothing or a high-heeled shoe — or to non-genital body parts — such as the foot. Only through use of this object can the individual obtain sexual gratification. The fetishist usually holds, rubs or smells the fetish object for sexual gratification or asks their partner to wear the object during sexual encounters. Fetishism is a more common occurrence in males, and the causes are not clearly known. Fetishism falls under the general category of paraphilias, abnormal or unnatural sexual attractions. Easy to see how it could be mixed up with kink, defined as bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences and/or behaviors. Except the kink does not need to be present in order for the person to function or perform sexually. Kink heightens the sex whereas fetish is the sex. I think preferences speaks for itself whereas fantasy is a bit trickier. Fantasy, defined by psychologists as an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need, is actually an illusion signalling a sexual need. Let’s say most men want to have sex with Beyonce…it’s not so much Beyonce but a curvy girl with the classic hourglass figure, long hair, a pretty face and the ability to drop it like its hot he wants.That chick can be his Beyonce.

I have actually been with men who have fetishes and have seen it as a dysfunction…I had a guy once who kept saying he could tell by my face and skin I had pretty feet and he wanted to see them when we had sex. I told him I did NOT have pretty feet and if he had a foot fetish, he had the wrong girl. He swore he didn’t and when we met and he saw I had stockings on my legs and feet…he could not even get hard, despite my best efforts. He blamed it on everything except my covered feet. AFO had the white cotton sock fetish which started out as a bonus for me (not really an enhancement) since my feet look like I catch live animals with them but unless both parties are into the fetish it becomes a hindrance. Remember the fetish being the sex? I soon become objectified or rather, the white cotton socks did. When AFO saw my socked feet…that became who I was. I’m telling you, if I sent him a picture of my face he wouldn’t know who I was, but a picture of my feet in socks? He would say I have never looked better. And the fetish grew…I had to wear then on my hands also. It just got…weird. Pantyhose Dude is another fetishist…when we would get together, the ONLY thing that aroused him was the feel of the hose. I wonder if fetishists are capable of sustaining long term relationships (monogamous isn’t even factoring in here….normal men cannot maintain monogamy, why would a fetishist be any different in that regard)…I would say no but who knows? If they found a partner who would indulge the fetish or maintained a (more than likely pay to play) relationship separate from their primary one they may be able to, but even then I do not see it as a full one on every level.

I never got to ask the CL men these questions since I was too busy being Merriam Webster, but I did find out interesting things: men don’t listen when it comes to what women like sexually. I knew that from at least one lover, but this is one of those: “she just THINKS she doesn’t like it…she has never had it done the way I do it” type of deals. Reminds me of telling your grandmother you don’t like macaroni and cheese and she takes it as an affront because you simply haven’t had it done RIGHT. Her macaroni and cheese will change your mind. The men who are selfish lovers get pretty pissed when you tell them so. I had the guy who talked on and on about what turns him on, what pleases him, what gets him off. When I asked what about his partner, his response was her pleasure should come from pleasing him. Or the man who said he would give oral but not for long because it took a woman too long to orgasm that way and fingering was part of the deal…the more stimulation, the quicker the orgasm…but he wanted his pleasure to last and the woman HAD to take her time. One man even said he preferred to masturbate over having sex with his wife…that way it was all about him. And men wonder….Another thing, men seem incapable of holding a conversation unless it involves sex, masturbation, what studs they are, how high their libido is and how their partners cannot keep up. Well, given what they have told me about their selfishness, so not surprised no one wants to keep up with them. Hell, I wouldn’t keep up with them and I get paid to do such things.

Personally, I could not deal with a man with a fetish…too much work and too much worry. Kink is all I can handle and given my track record I either handle it too well or not well at all. I have found out men have no clue. Period. And that Google is my friend, even when I am at my most obsessive and stalkerish…google gave me answers to my question that two days of painful conversations with actual human beings where I lost them at the definition could not do, Except for the guy who said he had to have a 9″ cock hose (whatever that is). I may have tried to pursue a conversation with him had he used punctuation and I did not have the mental image of a bug eyed crazy man in a strait jacket in my head when I read his response.

Going to end this post with a bit of FYI: It’s National Singles Week and for the first time ever, there are more single folks than married ones: 105,000,000 singles. Of course, what they don’t tell you is 40 million are underage, 50 million are women and 25 million are men who are crazy without papers. Okay, so I made up the last sentence but it’s probably true.

Check back soon for more posts and hopefully posted with more regularity and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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Good Times

I have been wanting to blog for awhile…I have topics and posts already drafted out in my head, catchy titles written down and nothing but free time during my workday but every day I walk into the office, one of two things happen. Either the few tasks I am allowed to perform (greet visitors, issue badges, answer phones and sign for packages) pop off like 90 going north OR my motivation leaves me because there is absolutely nothing to do Not sure why it does, but going to blame it on apathy and that incredible view. All I want to do is soak it up and take it in as much as I can. Lovebugs…that view reminds me how beautiful and wonderful and unique DC is and every time I see it, it’s like the first time. When I get home in the evening, depending on how much nothing I did that day, I am either ready to fall across the bed or talking on the phone/texting with my friends and family until it is time for bed. For once, we are all in some state of happiness…at.the.same.time!! I don’t think that has EVER happened! And now on this chilly fall evening instead of tackling all these (I think so) amazingly interesting and somewhat introspective topics…I just want to tell you guys what has been going on. The topics will always be there, but this peace and contentment..who knows how long it will last? I’m the chick who tends to stumble over the shit that is (supposedly) behind her.

The first thing is, I have finally let go of the crazy. I wanted to hold onto it a little bit longer because something could happen with PC and MG and I NOT know about it (don’t judge, we have all been there) but it was like a weight was lifted when I realized…whatever happens, I have no control over it and frankly, I no longer give a shit. I am going to give credit to the Him fiasco for helping me realize that holding onto crazy only makes you crazy (in some cases, crazier) and when one sits back and finally sees how stupid and ludicrous the situation/person really is…you just don’t want to be crazy over that anymore. What you want is it out of your life and to channel that energy you have spent chasing ghosts and crusading for a justice you will never receive into something tangible, productive and positive. Well, at least I do. So while this betrayal hurts more deeply than Him’s, I no longer have the energy to keep investing anything in a man who shed me and what we shared more easily than a snake sheds his skin. I have finally learned when someone ignores you (for whatever reason: anger, guilt, cowardice, etc)…they really don’t want to talk to you. They are more than okay with not giving you answers, apologies or explanations…and you need to accept that fact. It’s not you…it is them 100%. I know you guys have heard me say these things before and next post, I am back to square one but this time…it’s real and sincere. And the reason I know it’s true and real and sincere this time around? It doesn’t bother me in the least, on any level. The peace and contentment assure me of that fact.

First item I have to talk about is the return of Weekend Phone Friend!!! I am SOOO happy he is back and alive and well. WPF is my favorite amongst my male friends: he is not as needy as Chef, far more reliable and dependable than Cuz, not as flaky as Buddy and he has more time and empathy than Policeman. He has humor, good stories, reasoning and isn’t dumb in the least. He really is a good guy and when he rang my phone, I was all over him like a rash with questions. He has been out of commission and home on disability from both jobs because he tore all kinds of muscles and ligaments in his thigh. He fell through a rotted part of his mother in law’s deck during a family cookout. I think the wife and mother in law tried to kill him but he swears that is not true. We caught each other up on everything that had happened…well, I caught him up since all he did was sit in the house and wonder why he got married. There were no tears, no grieving, no whys…there was laughter and a sense of relief that the grieving part of the process is over.

I have purchased a new laptop…it was time. Flossie (the current one) is on life support. She is old (2006) and obsolete but I will give Sony Vaios credit…she still works, just not as well or as fast. She is receiving the blue screen of death every 20 minutes, I am quite sure she is totally filled with viruses and she has no more memory or storage space left. Her keyboard is raggedy, her administrator account got eaten up about a year ago, she is so clogged with smoke, nicotine and tar, she has COPD and her fan no longer functions. I would take a picture of her but frankly, I am embarrassed to do so. Really. So I have a new one…an HP Pavillion with Windows 8, beats audio and MS Office 2013. AND a 6 hour battery (she is truly portable…Flossie was chained to the power adapter) along with a working cd/dvd drive…Flossie’s broke off somewhere back in 2008. So I want to get the new laptop set up and do all the right things by her…no smoking around her, no eating or drinking over her and just generally show her more respect than I had for my first laptop. In order to do that, I need her to be functioning which for me, includes a data transfer, setting up the office software and someone showing me how to work Windows 8. Now, I was not being a charity case…my budget for this fluctuated between $45-$100, depending on which day of the week it was, yet no one I asked ever came through. Uncle Ben told me to youtube and google, the Favorite just flaked…I think he thought I was going to make him moondance naked on tabletops while he did it. Cuz insisted he would come over and do it, but he flat out bailed and flaked and pissed me off…then wants to come back with sob stories and crazy. I am still not speaking to him. Feisty One…it just wasn’t happening and I was left with two options: do it myself or find someone off Craigslist…I am doing it myself. Thank GOD Flossie hasn’t completely died yet.

I had dinner out with Feisty One and I am here to tell you, the food was good and we had a great time. I usually order food to go from Oohs and Ahhs, but since I had company joining me, decided to dine in…and it was SO ghetto. The set up is in a small room with cheap tables and chairs and resembled either a huge Thanksgiving table or a high school cafeteria, people were seated shoulder to shoulder, the utensils were plastic and your food served in a styrofoam container. Not sure why I was surprised because the place is a dive and a dump…but the food…the food is amazingly awesome. It is your grandma’s home cooking and it is flavorful and the portions are HUGE. And dining in turned out to be a great experience…there was a TV showing USA cable tv programming and folks actually spoke to you and talked with you. Recommendations were sought and offered, we shared stories about our day and our jobs, there were two guys celebrating birthdays and a couple on a first date (totally not a date night spot)…and the three guys who asked us to join them at the club…well, 2 of the did. The one who “made my eyes dance” (Feisty’s words, not mine) seemed totally disinterested in us, the restaurant and the world in general. We spent almost 2 hours at dinner and only left because our seats were needed. It was a welcome end to a long week and a family dinner with strangers.

I think that’s all I have for this post…a couple of odds and ends: still working the short term assignment, no word on the next big thing jobwise (all I know is they are very interested and have not rejected me), considering trying out for Married at First Sight (that show is really good and I would get to be a bride!) and I had a response to the ads…thet man paid me $400 to sit my full weight on his body and stick my thumb up his ass. Nothing else. No lie. And that is what has been going on with me. Going to get busy drafting new posts including one on sexual fetishes and what happens when one uses CL to research the question, the recovery post is on the way and also one about the one thing I (and probably other folks) tend to give up in the name of love and relationships.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading….and as usual, enjoy your day!

Growth Spurt

There is a hiccup in my happiness and no, it is not related to Prince Charming. On good days, I can crack jokes about the man and think of what was without sadness. On really good days, I don’t think of him at all. There is no more anger or sadness when he crosses my mind or when I speak of the man…on not so good days, there is just confusion and disappointment and then only fleetingly. PC and the Mexi-Cali Crew are weird, strange and pretty boring…simply not having the time nor the room in my life for them anymore. Call me when the Karma Drama begins. I’ll make time for that. No, the hiccup is little things: my cutie pie leopard flats being destroyed during a morning commute (as much as they cost, they should be walking themselves everywhere), late summer cold, being in a holding pattern over the next big assignment…little things that are annoyances to be sure. I am learning to keep things in perspective and not let a bad moment turn into a bad day.  And here is another thing…I am not happy all the time. Really, I don’t think anyone can be happy all the time (even at the height of my happiness with someone, it wasn’t constant) but I am content and at peace with me and situations. Happiness and contentment aren’t the same things but I think they are on the same page. Contentment is happiness muted.

Much of my peace and contentment comes from simply leaving men alone. Not that I am anti-man or about to become a full blown lesbian, but I am not healed over enough yet to deal with men and their stupidity. One does not get over stupid with even more stupid…and sometimes it goes from stupidity  to downright ridiculous. Remember my Day at the Museum? I was supposed to go with a guy…the super tall guy who said I wasn’t active enough. I placed a Craigslist ad seeking a museum partner and his response was probably the only sane one….however, our schedules never meshed so we rescheduled for dinner and bowling, which I thought was a bust. But…he kept texting me and wants to go out again…and then I see where he has placed an ad on CL for adult breastfeeding. I’m done but UTA thinks it would be a hoot to go out again to see if he makes a move in that direction. I am just wondering if I inspired the ad (I probably land in Top Ten Biggest Tits East of the Mississippi) and if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. He has texted me asking what will he do since there is no NFL on Tuesday and Wednesday nights…I am just like…seriously? How about you read a book or watch something other than football so you won’t be so boring? I still think the man’s face can crack bricks but I have been told I am being too harsh…he isn’t that bad looking and others have seen much worse. I should give him a chance, but I don’t want to. I find him boring, he actually lives in Chicago (no long distance relationships, please) and maybe it’s me but his face reminds me of a piece of raw beef after it has been beaten with the wooden mallet. You be the judge…below is his ad (that was written complete with head shot).

ANR Dude

I am seeking an Adult Nursing Relationship. Looking for a women who wants her breasts worshiped. Age ,looks , ethnicity don’t matter as much as that you love your breasts suckled and caressed. I can host or am willing to travel. I would like this to be an ongoing thing.

The fall off with the ads may be the best thing to happen since I can now fully concentrate on me and leave my customer service oriented life to the 8-5 world. I know I have told you all about the good ads and how the money from two dates is basically equivalent to two days’ pay but I have really not told you about what I go through to get even one viable response. I get illiterate men who MUST only read the pictures because despite a clearly posted age range, I get the 22 year olds who claim to be mature, respectful and ready to rock my world. Somehow, responding when I specifically asked you not to does not strike me as respectful. Again, despite being clearly stated, I get the ones who seem shocked to hear I seek financial assistance…they want to know what happened to the fun of it? Blame it on my addiction background or my emotional wiring, but there is nothing “fun” to me about being used as a hole for a man. I get the guys who want an email buddy, the men who wish to negotiate as far as pricing and time and the ones who want a discount out the gate because it will be an ongoing thing….dude, we can cross that bridge when you actually show me it is an ongoing thing. I ask them to be clean…I get the ones who show up sweaty and unshowered thinking I am going to provide them with soap and water. Yeah, they pretty much leave as soon as they arrive…short of being homeless, you should be able to shower before showing up to get naked and be sexual.  This is neither a hotel nor a bath house. I swear, men have stopped putting forth an effort towards anyfuckingthing.

I get the flakes who make a date only to never show, or who say one day/time and a week later, they are asking what’s up or what happened. I have been given hotel names and room numbers and show up only to have the knocks go unanswered or the door  is opened by someone who has no idea who I am or why I am there. Once when I was unemployed, I spent my last money to cab it to a hotel uptown to be on time for the date, had my knocks go unanswered and as soon as I \exited the hotel on my way to metro to head home…the date texted me asking me where I was and why was I a no-show. I did not even bother to respond. I get the men who cannot accommodate my schedule (and I get it…daytime availability is key and I just don’t have it) and the times I do accommodate theirs…they flake. Pantyhose Dude was famous for this (which may be another reason I am not all that gung ho to see him)…he could only meet every other Monday at 3:15; while unemployed that was not hard to do but once I started working, he would not budge from that and I would take days off to accommodate him…and that is when he started with he had made other plans. What.the.FUCK? And now, he says he can only meet Wednesdays at 4:15….the man who is now supposedly single and has this incredibly flexible work schedule can’t meet any other time. Tell you what, we’ll never meet. For real. I get guys who disable their email accounts before I can ever respond back, men who call me names, men who seem interested and disappear and the men who after one session think we are friends and email me constantly asking how was my day and how I am doing. And this is a constant bombardment of stupid…these situations are the rule and viability is the exception.

I do have one repeat customer and the man gets on my nerves. I haven’t heard from him in awhile and I swear, I am SO happy about that. I probably sound ungrateful or confused since I am pretty much complaining about the stupidity of the responders (who wouldn’t want a regular, steady customer?) but this guy is nerve wracking. My two issues with this dude is his need to hear that he is my fantasy…no, you aren’t. You are what  the five foot, four hundred pound  love child of Raul Julia and Marty Feldman would look like. The other thing is he is asking to be my boyfriend…but only when we are being sexual. Seriously, you only want me to be your girlfriend when sex is involved? He doesn’t ask about my day, he whines and begs to see me when I tell him I am tired (that’s very inconsiderate) and the small talk with him is excruciating. He wants to know did I miss him, did I think about him and all kinds of questions that make me want to scream. I don’t like him, certainly don’t love him and he doesn’t even provide fodder for mastubatory fantasies. It makes me wonder if this is how I was with the men I was in relationships with. If so, I ask all of them to please accept my heartfelt apologies and condolences. Neediness is not pretty, especially in a scenario where it is definitely uncalled for.

I think I am growing up even more emotionally…unlike that period of adjustment I went through after Him when anyone or anything was acceptable to prove I was sexy, worthy, pretty, desirable, etc….the time with Prince Charming showed me I am looking for a someone, not an anyone. Chef says I am being picky and snobby but I don’t think so…I have standards and must haves, damnit. I will admit I am still a little hung up on PC (looks wise, I find myself comparing guys to him) but just like PC knocked Him completely out the box, with the one I think is the right one, the comparison will end. Not looking for a perfect package (none of the guys I fell for were perfect in a physical sense) but as I have stated before, I need something to work with: personality and humor and a face I find attractive. Someone who actually listens (Breastfeeding Dude wants to take me to the zoo…it involves lots of walking and dealing with animals who perform bodily functions in public…and when he asked me before asking me out again how I felt about the zoo, I told him it was a huge NO for me) and who is comfortable at Five Guys and five star restaurants. It is also evident with this growth spurt that I am simply not a working girl…I am not on-call, spontaneous and ready at the drop of a dime nor am I constantly horny. The ads are up for a variety of reasons and the reasons are all mine…it is on my schedule, not theirs and if our schedules don’t mesh…oh, well. Yeah, might be time to close this chapter in my life.

But for now, more than happy to stay emotionally shutdown and enjoy the peace, contentment and bits and pieces of happiness that no men brings. I am planning a trip to the Museum of the American Indian (maybe it can be a #homance outing), have two posts I want to write, organizing my closets and crossing my everythings for potentially good news on the professional front. Life may not be as good as I would like it to be (swear, I was 7 stories higher this time last year), at least I am not starting from Ground Zero and able to see the blessings no one can snatch from me. As usual, thanks for stopping by and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Feel.Love.Thinking Of.

I am supposed to be writing about recovery…and I will, but wanted to write down what and how I am feeling now. Trust me, I will need to read this again and thinking no one will mind not hearing about how awful love is. See, I have been hearing that I look happy, I am back to being Robin and I am going to say …I am. Emotionally and physically. However, this is precarious territory..at least for now it is. Right now, I am in either/or mode: either I am going to move forward fully with my life or I am going to mosey along and compare my progress to the life others have chosen for themselves. I can feel, love and be thinking of me…or them. Today, I choose me. For a little over a week, I have chosen to move forward fully and it has been so effortless, I am scared that it is incredibly temporary and next week, I will be trying to book a flight to Utah and seeing if Ray needs any help serving up that pie.

The demise of my fairy tale with Prince Charming and Dottie were/are still intertwined for me and I had a hard time getting a grasp on both of them, so it is only fitting I am letting both go at the same time. Well, not Dottie….that chick has set up house for now and all I can do is try to coexist peacefully with her. I do the wrong things, she cuts up; I do the right things and she still cuts up. I cannot keep giving in to the tiredness or planning out last wishes and videotaped messages when her sugar levels spiral in either direction. How can one gain control over something if they are constantly giving in to it? So on weekends, I make myself do something,even if it’s just take a shower and make the bed. I am cutting back a LOT on the chocolate, I am walking more and trying to plan activities at least twice a month…one can be sedentary (dinner, movies, comedy club) and the other is active (museums). Not noticing a big difference even though there is weight loss and days I have more energy, but I just feel I am on the right track with Dottie and that just maybe, she may be cooperating. Finally.

When it comes to Prince Charming,…truthfully, this letting go has been around awhile, just waiting for me to catch up with it. Not sure when the rocks in my tummy went away and the dread fell off, but I want to say common sense has finally returned to my body. I say if the butterflies and tingly feelings you get when you like/fall for someone is common sense leaving your body,the rocks and dread is common sense returning. I can tell stories of happy times with PC and not fall to pieces or wonder what the hell happened; the Facebook stalking has served to help heal and no longer hurts. In fact, I am finding it to be a bit unnecessary at this point in time. Seriously, the man is treating the woman he married the same as he treated me…and I look at things like this: it’s okay to be on the same page when you are dating, but once you marry someone? You have to be telling/writing the same story and this is a man who needs other people to tell his truth and reality for him. The actions he has taken, the choices he has made…even he won’t tell it…others have told it for him. I am better than that and deserve better. Even if I gained 200 more pounds and every tooth in my head fell out, I deserve someone who respects me enough to tell me the truth and to tell the world how proud and happy he is to have me.

Happiness comes in bits and pieces, not large lump sums…and I have been making the most of the happiness that comes my way. I have been to the Crime and Punishment Museum and had a blast!! I shot a rifle at the OK Corral and hit 5 bulleyes, took a lie detector test, saw John Wayne Gacy’s clown costumes, Bonnie and Clyde’s car, got my fingerprint taken, explored the CSI crime lab, got in the stockade, saw Ted Bundy’s car and participated in a lineup. I walked the entire museum (including stairs since there was no elevator) for over 2 hours and did not rest until I got to the Black market exhibit where it was either sit down or fall out. I went to a family cookout where I met relatives I did not even know I had and ate plate upon plate of yummy, grilled goodness and laughed my ass off. The people at the current assignment are opening up to me and I am having conversations about weekends, horrible commutes and TV shows. I can appreciate the gifts PC gave me that did not come in boxes or bags or with price tags: I see my beauty (on some days), I have my confidence and esteem again and I am comfortable in my skin. I am even going to toss the ads…I am too happy about no responses and just the thought of being with anyone who doesn’t know me, respect me or wants to build a connection with me…I am beyond measure and my worth is more than dollars. I am worth diamonds and if you aren’t trying to go there with me, I cannot go anywhere with you.

FingerprintElectric ChairMuseum SignShootout Car
While I am healing and making bigger strides than I have in a long time…still not out of the woods. The missing still comes and waves of sadness, longing and confusion come crashing down, and it is the day I realized we were over for good all over again. However, I am now allowing the moment to pass rather than grabbing on and holding onto it for dear life. The emotional shutdown is still in effect because there is still no trust for me or men and I see hidden agendas everywhere. The one night stand idea has been tossed…men have NO idea how to handle and treat women who give of themselves freely and I don’t have the discernment to see who is worthy of me on any level. And, there are no prospects….my top 3 consists of a guy who is either the Unabomber or a depressed, has been Bollywood actor, the ex-military divorced guy with 7 kids and the job at Six Flags and the really tall (6’8”) guy whose face could crack a brick wall and who feels I would walk faster if I were more active. He looked really embarrassed when I told him about the diabetes and TIA. Not saying I date the best looking guys or that I am even that great looking a girl, but one thing I always say: you don’t have to have looks, but you have to have personality, humor and intelligence. I’m not finding any of that.

So for now, I am happy. Happy and comfortable and okay. I love me and falling in like with me. Again. Not saying I have hope, but I do have optimism, and that is probably better. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Optimism

Soapbox

I got a phone call from Pantyhose Dude. Talk about a blast from the past…my super tall, horrible kisser, pantyhose suit creating and extremely generous part time lover is wanting to return to me. I have mixed emotions about that. I have no problems trying again with the man: he knew how to close the door when he left so I wasn’t hanging in the wind; he is respectful and genuinely cared for me (at least as a person)… and his 92 year old Daddy is dying and the Pantyhose Dude is the sole heir. His dad is worth about $3 million dollars and has prime property and real estate holdings. Did I mention he says he is now single? PHD  has broken up with his long-time girlfriend and bought a house in a terrific neighborhood. (If I were the jilted girlfriend, I would be stalking the HELL out of Pantyhose Dude…too close to the big payoff to be sent packing now. That chick put up with his answering backpage ads, posting Craigslist ads, masturbating 3 times a day AND his various kinks and fetishes. She should get a parting gift just because.)  However, we have not seen or spoken to each other in 3 years and didn’t have a lot in common then. I am no longer the person he knew and the fact that I am not getting responses to my ads is actually making me a happy camper…no need to weed through stupidity and idiocy trying to validate myself or think it’s going to make me get over anyone any faster. I DO miss the extra money but how wonderful not to have to adjust and juggle my schedule to accommodate anyone else’s, how wonderful not to have to play dress up and listen to boring stories when all I really want is to be handed money and shut the door behind them. I am considering making it a onetime thing…I saw some sleep shirts, scarves and plaid flats I am convinced I HAVE to have. 

So in my last blog post, I told you guys about the night out with Feisty One and Childhood Friend…I dubbed it a #homance and it is looking as if it could become full-blown. There are talks of comedy shows, buffets and people watching, spa days and a weekend trip. I don’t mind as I need this in my life….folks who are going to come around, make me get out and socialize and let my hair down in ways that do not require nudity or possible criminal charges. Trading war stories about work, stupid men and the struggles of dating…correct that. The struggles of finding someone decent, sane and single to date who appeals to us physically and finds us equally appealing. It felt good to laugh out loud and not worry about our bellies hanging out/over and did our date(s) think we were fat. Prior to the #homance date night, Childhood Friend and I were talking about being single and I told her how the last two guys I found so special, wonderful and right both left without a backwards glance. She responded with us using this single time to work on improving ourselves. My answer to that was I am tired of improving myself.

And after thinking about it a lot more, I have decided..NO. I am done with self improvements. Every time something goes wrong in my relationships, I obsess and examine and admit my faults and mistakes. I learn the lessons and apply it to the next one and STILL I end up back in the same place with the same stupid mofos. I AM improved (For the better, I was not the same woman with any of these men…rather, I did not make the same mistakes with them) and tired of men and society trying to lay all the blame at the feet of women when shit goes south in a relationship. Every self help/self improvement article tells us what not to do in our next relationship or what to do to keep love and every one I read, guess what? I did all the right things, avoided all the wrong ones and STILL…he is married to someone else.  We are told what makes men happy, what turns them on, what they look for a woman, how to keep him interested…yet, nothing for men on how to treat a woman decently, how to respect her, how to communicate effectively. Women are trained and told constantly to prove her worthiness to the man, not the other way around. No wonder women are confused and insecure…seeing as we are doing everything we are told to do that will help us keep the man of our dreams and he still left…what is wrong with us?   If women are guilty of anything, it is of trusting, believing and having expectations…expectations that were handed to us and fed by the men. Trust me, very few folks can make something out of absolute nothing. Before this becomes a full blown “I hate all men and you should too” post, just going to state my case as to why I no longer need to be improving myself….what I need to be doing is relocating someplace I can improve my chances of finding a man who will make me want to put my staking tendencies away and retire the crazy. Below are the top 4 things every woman hears, ad nauseum: 

 Don’t Overshare:  This is a lesson I learned with/from Him…Married Man knew my past (he saw me in the last (and worst) year of my addiction and AFO didn’t care about the past or the future; the man lived for and stayed in the moment. I may have enjoyed our brief time together more had I done the same. However, with Him, our pasts (especially romantic/sexual) was discussed a lot and despite us having a work relationship and friendship before becoming intimate, I definitely overstepped the boundaries. Not sure why I thought telling a man I had slept with more women than he had was a great idea, but trust me, it was better than the alternative: saying how many men I had been with before him. Trust me, I tried the evasive approach (the tried and true line: you are the one who matters) but Him wasn’t buying it. It was a lesson well learned…by the time Prince Charming came along, I knew to tell just enough to assure him the issues and crazy had a legitimate basis and I really was not a candidate for the funny farm.

Communicate Effectively: This was something I learned by the time Prince Charming came along, but still I sent mixed signals. With the men before, I tailored my communications to fall in line with what they seemed to be saying. I hid my agendas the same as they did…we just had different agendas. When they made me angry, I went off on cursing streaks and death wish rants. I refused to pinpoint what had pissed me off for fear they would not want to work it out and leave me. I would leave only to return because I did not want to be alone, not realizing I was more alone with them than without them. With PC, I actually thought about what I wanted to say, and learned to say things respectfully, thoughtfully and without curse words. I was able to communicate what angered and disappointed me, what I wanted with and from him and did so with positive results. In turn, he communicated explanations, apologies and what he wanted with/from me. A first for any man I was involved in…too bad he was lying through his teeth the entire time. There were mixed signals on my end to PC…I let him know that the disappointments were too much  and suggest a break, and when I found out about MG…I left…only to return each time. The breakthrough here was not because I was lonely, but because I genuinely missed him in my life and we had both agreed that no matter what the problem, we would work through it together…too bad there was nothing to work through.

Don’t be Clingy/Needy: Not quite sure what to say about this one because while I think I can be overly needy when it comes to attention and affection, it stems from the men not giving/paying me enough attention. Married Man’s time with me was not filled with undivided attention between the wife and 7 kids (remember the time  he stopped sex with me to answer the phone?), Him did give me undivided attention when we were together but time together was too infrequent, and when we were apart, work and Gold Digger #1 were his priorities. AFO’s attentions were concentrated on parts and pieces of me, not on me. So Prince Charming was the first guy to pay attention to ME…all of me. He had substantial conversation, compliments, questions, he pushed boundaries and the best part? I did not have to ask for it!!! He offered it, he volunteered it and when I suggested giving us a day or so of “me time” and some space, he was still there…until the lies were discovered and I found out his plans for us were all pie in the sky. But the constant attention and validation was heady stuff, especially for someone who has never really had a healthy balance of either from the opposite sex. It was like permanent honeymoon for me/with us. At some point, this attention became an expectation on my part…an expectation handed to me on a silver platter. If there is a next time/next person, I am going to need the Panel’s help setting healthy boundaries where time and attention are concerned.

Don’t Have Sex Too Quickly: Torn about this one as I waited with Married Man and Him, but it was the purpose for even meeting with AFO and Prince Charming. Oh, and let’s toss in that nowadays, I don’t even think most people know what they want anymore. It used to be you knew you wanted something casual, or you wanted something long term that would actually lead somewhere…now… if you can find someone single, sane and not trying to sexually assault you during the meal and/or trying to get you to make car payments on a first date, that’s a step in the right direction. My view is this: regardless of holding out or not, if all the man wants is the goodies, he is going to leave once he gets it, be it first date or fifth date. And if one holds out too long, he is leaving anyway and by then you are kind of emotionally invested. We are all grown folks…if you are out with a guy for the first time and you like him, find him attractive and want to feel him inside of you…go for it. The one benefit to being a single woman is the freedom to have sex with who you want. If my experiences both online and real world are any indication, no man will think you are easy or cheap for doing so…it is all in how you carry yourself. The best thing that can happen is (if the guy is truly interested in you) the guy can focus on you and the deeper stuff because now he knows that the all important sexual chemistry is there. The worst…you got dinner and sex and someone considerate enough to not linger in your doorway leading you on. Of course, holding out raises expectations and anticipation…and anticipatory sex is, without fail, not the best sex ever despite what you think/feel. Anticipatory sex is like that first drink or drug of the day…it can be weak, watered down and outright not good, but because it’s the first time…ahhhhh, nirvana. I say to sex or not to sex is a personal choice and only the parties involved can make it.

And if I were to write something for men to know about women, it would be two things:

Don’t Lie: . I think that is simpler than asking you to be honest or truthful. There are no shades of gray here…if I ask you if you are married/attached, you can’t hide behind geographical justifications or legal terminology. It is a yes or no answer…either there is a significant other or their isn’t. I am the chick who will ask you where this is going….and I have been told one doesn’t ask that. If the guy is interested in long term and serious, he will tell you. But I say not always…I have been led on too many times, I have been told too many times…and guess who’s still single? So yeah, I am going to ask…and all I ask of the man is to NOT LIE. If you are only after the goodies, say so. There are plenty of women who are looking for a onetime thing, women who need to feel the touch of another if only for a couple of hours. Dollars aside, on the right day and after a decent dinner, I am one of them. Seriously, guys…if you just don’t lie in the beginning, you can avoid so much drama and crazy down the road. Give us women a fair chance to make our decisions about whether to get involved with you…if you don’t lie, everything else can be worked out.

Go Outside the Box:  Correct me if I am wrong, but guys tend to be in kindergarten when it comes to their choices in women: it’s all about colors and numbers with them. The numbers game: the length and girth of their penis , a woman’s dress size, a woman’s height, weight, intelligence/education level….for most men, the higher the number (IQs included), the less interest a man has….or so it seems. The woman needs to be a certain race, have a certain hair color…it’s preferences and I get that but how can men have preferences yet when a woman states hers, she is being unrealistic? Men vent and bitch about height requirements women have (not our fault you are stuck at 5’9”) and usually, men are average looking at best with extra pounds, too little hair and want women to see what a good man they are. Yet, a guy can hang with a girl who makes them laugh, is supportive, sweet, encouraging and independent, but because she doesn’t fit into their box of perfection…the woman is tossed aside and deemed “not worthy”. I get it..we are all looking to be upgraded in some way, but all upgrades aren’t of a physical nature. Men, the open-mindedness and compromise you beseech women to utilize when it comes to choosing you…use it with us women. Good women come with all kinds of hair colors and all shapes/colors/sizes, just like the few good men left out there.

Okay, finally stepping down off my soap box now. It is the last day of a 3 day weekend, the house is a wreck and I have tons to do. If I said anything here that you agree or disagree with, would love to hear from you. If I left out something, would love to hear from you. I will be back soon with new posts, including one on recovery and the long overdue open letter to men. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (I know this was a long one) and as usual….enjoy your day!