Fact Finding Mission

This post is going to be a continuation of my last post where I tried to bring clarity and understanding to the ridiculousity that is my Facebook stalking. I touched on a couple of points that need to be addressed. I may not be able to completely exorcise my demons but I can confront them. Not sure if that will help in any way but it’s time to stop either running from them or inviting them out to play. Hence, we (meaning me) are on a fact finding mission to really get to the heart of the matter. But first I want to tell you all about the thoughts I am entertaining about having a one night stand. I tried to keep the thought(s) at bay (you all KNOW I am not emotionally equipped for no strings…I am not the give and go type unless dollars are involved) by practicing my “selfie” skills. Readers, I SUCK at selfies: I am looking cock-eyed, cross-eyed and downright simple in my pictures. But, I digress…

Some people would say that is pretty much a normal thought for a single, somewhat healthy and sane woman to have. But you know me: sex (especially given freely) is way too complicated for me when things are good, smooth and I am both fulfilled and happy…this lump of barely held together walking, talking emotions I am now can barely handle masturbation. Yet, I am sitting here trying to plan one, and that may be mistake # 1…does one even plan a one night stand? Not wanting to go online to seek one…you cannot trust the flakes, fakes and creeps on CL to even respond back in a respectful manner. There is also the whole I want to live to tell someone about it and/or not having to see a doctor about penicillin shots in the ass. Ideal scenario: tall, white, stocky and attractive to me. Respectful, intelligent, can make me laugh and actually have some bedroom skills….so many men have NO idea how to please a woman, but they really think they are rocking her world. Us women play a huge part in that…if we stop faking orgasms, maybe the guys will realize they need to step up their game. That’s a big maybe. I would want the guy to host (so he would have to be single and metro accessible) because no way are they laying their naked anythings in my bed…I will take the walk of shame when it’s time to leave. Just need a comb, lipstick and a stick of gum. I realize there will be no financial validation but at this point, just a pleasant experience where I get to release a lot of tension with someone who will not make me feel like a piece of used toilet paper afterwards sounds like a good idea. I just tell myself my best “good ideas” have landed me exactly where I am right now.

The first thing to address from my last post is the interview with Lockheed Martin….I was not as prepared as I could have or should have been but apparently, I am good at faking more than orgasms….I am being submitted as their candidate of choice to the client…and the client is a huge deal. It would mean challenges as I would be learning new skills in a new field, benefits, more money and to have Lockheed Martin and Accenture on my resume? Pretty freaking impressive. However, it does mean a longer commute, a longer work day and since the team I would be working with would be so small, Dottie and I would have to work together to make into the office pretty much 95% of the time. It’s a tossup at this point as the current assignment is paying decently, the commute is amazing and what few duties I do have, I am extremely familiar with. If the new position is permanent, no contest.

The easier of the demons to tackle is the inability to let go…I stated I absolutely cannot let go and I think the cause of that is simple: I am not ready for it (It being the man of the hour) to end, to give up the source of my external happiness, not ready to fall out of love. A proper goodbye would help HEAPS in this regard. With PC it was/is extremely hard because I absolutely THRIVE on outside validation and I soak up attention like a sponge soaks up water. That man gave me both in spades…my cup runneth over with the attention and validation that man gave me. The Daddy/babygirl aspect was amazing….definitely unhealthy, probably strange but it both filled and awakened something in me at the same time. While PC shoulders most of the blame with his lying to me and leading me on, I have to face this fact: even if he told me the truth, I still would have fallen in love with him and then I would be all pissed and twisted because he still chose MG. But at least with the truth, it would have been MY choice. I would like to think that would make a difference. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to let go even though red flags are everywhere and it is evident the relationship is no longer what it was and at least one of us has outgrown the other, if we were even on the same level to begin with. Definitely I have issues with familiarity and change.

The harder of the demons is getting to the root of the matter of why I continue to try/chase after the men after I find out I am being played, they are liars, cheaters. Etc. I touched on this before in my Stupid White Men post but left it laying there because I was not ready to address the issue. Still not ready but let’s face it…I will NEVER be ready and have no expectations that I will solve this problem in this post, but it’s a start. The biggest reasons are denial and disbelief: every one of my exes told me and will tell you how sweet, wonderful, kind, caring, sexy, etc. I am…so if I am so many things wonderful and such an amazing woman…why am I the one who is left in the dust? Both Him and PC would have significantly different lives right now had they chosen me, and not saying that the choices made aren’t what they wanted (not seeing how, but life is strange) but what didn’t I offer other than other men’s children? (No offense to the single moms out there…both Him and PC stated constantly they neither wanted anymore children nor did they want to raise anymore). Let’s see: I have my own place, I am gainfully employed and did not want/need their money; I was loyal and faithful; I was supportive, encouraging and understanding. I was generous, available and accommodating; I am a great cook and keep a decent house; I was well dressed, well put together and smelled good. AND kept the issues tapped down somewhat. So I feel I have to show them and remind them of who I am, what I offer and how life is better with me. The denial is simple: I was so misted and blinded by the lies (at one point, they were the truth), the masks and the glimpses of honesty and vulnerability they showed me, there was NO WAY that truth and reality were actually truth and reality. It was some sort of cruel joke…and PC was the only one who tried to explain it…with MORE lies. That I chose to believe because again…not ready for it to end. We could work this out, which of course, we can’t because even though I don’t believe the truth in my face…my distrust is greater. It’s a vicious cycle and one I am tired of repeating.

So I have rooted out the biggest reasons, but what to do now? How to stop the cycle? Obviously, I need to make better choices in men…that starts with me knowing I deserve better and that cute (to me at least) faces and pretty words are nothing unless backed up by positive, reinforcing actions. I need to know what I really want and not settle for less in the name of compromise (both parties should be compromising and not early on in a relationship). If a guy is dangling promises of “wait, it will be worth it”…no need in hanging around. Those promises will never come to fruition. If a guy doesn’t communicate well, I pass. And frankly, not sure if I will even find myself in this position again because in order for the emotional shutdown to lift, I have to be willing to trust and take a chance again…and PC has effectively killed my trust. Twice. There is nothing without trust. But I jump ahead of myself…there are no prospects on the horizon and not looking for any.

And that’s all for this post…I have basically slept my birthday weekend away and I am more than fine with that. I do have birthday dinner plans with Downstairs Neighbor (how great she wants to help me celebrate the 19th anniversary of my 29th birthday) but that’s about it. No cooking, no laundry…just total laziness and while there were twinges of guilt from the control issues..overall, it felt really good to have 2 days of nothingness and pajamas. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!


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