Hello, Readers. Going to try to tackle a tough subject today. Well, it isn’t that tough a subject but it requires me to be truthful and I am never ready to be that. But before I get to that, going to procrastinate by making small talk. Almost a week into the assignment and I have no complaints. The people were expecting me and knew who I was….I got an ID badge, a laptop and login that works and the views from the office are spectacular. I am going to actually try and include some pictures to show you guys the $2 million view, but if you don’t see them below, just know I utterly failed in my attempts. I am left alone and to my own devices 90% of the time, which after the social and professional interaction I constantly had with my team makes me feel a little like either a bird in a gilded cage or a kid in timeout. But I am adapting.
Did I tell you I almost slept with Ben Affleck? Okay, not the REAL Ben Affleck but a guy who looked like a hipster version of him. The guy answered my ad and seemed really nice and funny albeit a tad creepy. His questions and answers were very blunt and once we exchanged face pictures, I told him he looked like Ben Affleck. His response was to ask me did I want to fuck Ben Affleck…UTA says the answer to anything Ben Affleck is always: YES! Alas, Ben had an obvious touch of ADHD (unmedicated) and had no availability during evenings and weekends, so it never happened. Probably a good thing for everyone involved.
And now, on to the reason for this post. You guys know I Facebook stalk the exes and the PC stalking is in full effect….not full time but often enough, and the one question I get asked by everyone is; WHY do I do it? Why do I do this to myself? And while I would love to say I don’t know (simply because it’s easier than trying to verbalize all the incredibly deeply rooted and unhealthy factors that drive me and that always end up accompanying the situations my relationships dissolve into)…I do know. I fear that you won’t understand, but it’s time to put it out there. Not only for me to try and pinpoint the impetus and perhaps stop it (trust me, the powerlessness the stalking brings plays havoc with my control issues and my esteem) but also to put it out there for that one person who WILL understand it. That person who will read this and get it and know they are not alone, whether they have been where I am, actually are where I am or maybe even headed this way. Hopefully, I can explain my motives here and show you there is a method to the madness and it goes beyond me being an idiot.
Masochist: I listed this one first for the simple reason I am one. I mean, one would HAVE to be to do this and on a continuous, almost compulsive basis. The word is defined thusly: gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification. However, I tend to word it as misery loves company…and I AM miserable and while not quite lonely, definitely alone. I don’t want to see PC happy, anymore than I wanted Him happy in the beginning, for the simple reason being my sorrow, sadness and heartbreak are a direct result of his happiness. So I go looking and prying into not only his life but the lives of anyone else associated with the man to (hopefully) find sadness, anger, strife, disappointment…..I want to see what he left me reflected in his life also.
Truth: Lies and cowardice are a bad combination and the fact that this man who really was a gamechanger (for a little while at least) turned out to be all things horrible and terrible, AND married another woman ?? I need truth, I need answers and IF PC had the balls to speak to me…I still wouldn’t believe him because every word out of his mouths is a lie. Every.word. But the people he is now related to on/via Facebook don’t lie. They have no need to. Pictures don’t lie, but in a way, pictures are a mask…they show what people want you to see. Most people tend to smile and pull closer when they see the camera pointed in their direction; doesn’t mean life is good and a bed of roses. Wishful thinking perhaps, but still…it all comes together to tell me what he wouldn’t or couldn’t.
Indescribable Feeling: I seriously cannot come up with a word or words to describe this…whatever it is. All I know is it is made up of a lot of different emotions. It is part me not being able to let go and no, I am not making a grammar faux pas when I say I am not able to let go. My heart is like a dog with a bone or someone hanging onto the edge of a cliff by their fingernails….I absolutely cannot let go. What you need to know about me (and believe about me) is that I am that chick who is all or nothing when it comes to falling for someone. When I fall in love, I am immersed into the person, I become completely obsessed with them and knowing all about them and quite frankly, no one else exists for me. PC took this to new heights because he seemed to soak me up as much as I soaked him up…there was no time or room for anyone else. He entered the picture and became the picture. It is partly disbelief: how can you have given me so much time and attention, how could we have just spent the entire Christmas Day talking and texting, laughing, flirting and making plans to meet up and move forward and the next day…you have a girlfriend. A long time, about to get married to her girlfriend? How could you tell me that I am reading it wrong, she is just an old friend and I am and always have been the only one? Then flip the script again and just shutdown. Completely, as if I never existed and we never happened. No explanation or apology…just gone. Yeah, having a hard time with that. And finally there is some denial in there…seriously, you had a woman who was pretty, professional, polished, domestic, funny, well read and has a healthy sex drive. A woman who had nothing but time, attention and love to give you and your kids. A woman with drive and ambition. A woman who is about to interview with Lockheed Martin for heaven’s sake…and you would rather be with a chick who isn’t working, has 6 kids with her wherever she goes and can’t speak enough English to ask for a cup of coffee. No.. this is a bad, bad joke.
Closure: I know some would argue that this does not even belong here….obviously there is no closure. If there were, I would no longer be stalking, and for real…how can you close the wound if you keep picking at it? But the more I stalk and see that he really has moved on to a new life and is solidifying it…it makes me HAVE to move on. Life moves you on but on a superficial level…you do the daily routines, you talk to your friends, you go to work, you run errands and do chores. But a part of you stays stuck. With the stalking, I cannot stay stuck…for what? He has married the woman, and merged their families. He and his kids, her and her kids and grandkids are all living in Utah..in his parents’ house, They are going to Monster Truck shows together, one of MG’s daughters is saying how this is a new life and new beginning for all of them . Oh, it hurts…at one point in time, he was my new beginning. PC was MY happily ever after, and I was the one who (he said) made him laugh and kept the darkness away. I was the one he was emailing and texting in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep….he was my new beginning, my new life. But obviously, it did not work out that way. His future and apparently his happiness lay with another…kind of a harsh, incomplete form of closure but it motivates me to focus on the road ahead in all realms: physically, emotionally and mentally. And while I am emotionally shutdown and kinda hate all men right now, it is for healing and protection purposes. I will fall again….the Panel and I are hoping that the next time I won’t be so trusting and so obsessed. (that’ll never happened….we will be back here again like it’s our first time around)
Clarity: At the end of the day, when I am done idealizing and romanticizing PC and what I shared with him (and truthfully, that man made me happier than anyone else EVER and inspired me to become a better person) I have to look at the facts and remember that if I am honest with myself…the man and I would not have worked out. Not long term anyway. Let’s see….he is Mormon and while I believe in live and let live, our spiritual beliefs have to be somewhat in alignment. Besides, he is religious and I am spiritual…there is a difference. Next, apparently he enjoys monster truck shows…I pass. I enjoy museums…he wants to know how “cool” the museum is. You don’t go to a museum for cool points! Not sure about the large family…could be the Mormon in him but the man I met was not one for large crowds or families….he wanted peace, quiet and solitude. The man is a liar, a cheater and a coward…I am not even sure if he knows how to tell the truth. That does not bode well for anyone involved with him, although he may have changed his ways. I could have been a one time aberration. He has moved everyone into his mama’s house…yeah, I really want and need a man who has moved himself and two kids cross country along with 6 other people to live with his parents. With no job at all. Oh, and let’s not forget he is still portraying himself on social media as a single dad who still lives here on the east coast. (You know, that could be another reason I stalk…to see when HE will acknowledge his life changes rather than other folks doing it for him). Yeah, the man is weird, strange and oddly enough….he is just not as cute as he used to be. Sister Someone says stalking is caring but I think stalking can open your eyes to what you refused to see before if you do it long enough.
So, these are the reasons I come up with off the top of my head….there may be some others, and if there are enough of them or a deep enough/broad enough base for them, I may explore them. Damn sure not going to say “I felt like it” and call it a post. And I really do not recommend or suggest anyone do the Facebook stalking…unless you have some Sherlock Homegirl in you, it can be very frustrating. I am naturally nosy and inquisitive and watch a lot of mysteries and detective shows. And I will tell you this…every time I go or have gone stalking/snooping…I end up hurt and too stupid to keep my findings to myself. Whether it was Married Man’s wallet and phone, Him’s emails or PC’s Facebook…I have always found something that makes me catch my breath as the knife slides through my heart. It all stems from the trust issues and wanting to make sure I am not being played but then when I see I am….what do I do about it? Okay, we are now entering an entirely new blog post with completely different terrain….but it is definitely a topic for discussion down the road. Gonna wrap this up and hopefully all of this made sense to someone other than me.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!