It is the end of my first week of unemployment and frankly, I feel like I got more rest at work. I have been working really hard all week what with following up on interviews, having phone interviews, applying for unemployment, filling out job applications and letting everyone and their brother know I am ready, willing and available to work. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the Roach sent me a text message telling me I upset him by suggesting he was not committed to me and to the prospect of an “us” and that he was not up to the task of repairing my hurt, pain and damage. I told him he was definitely underestimating my issues and neediness, but hey…if he wanted to prove me wrong, go right ahead. And of course, he proved me right by not saying/typing another word.
Which is fine. Really. There is nothing there, at least on my end. For once, I have met a man I don’t want attention from. Besides, I have a lot going on , beginning with my body still in work mode. Every morning this week I have awaken at 5:30am, if not earlier. And my poor body doesn’t realize we have no place to go until after I am fully awake…so I lay there and read horoscopes or watch infomercials until I drift back to sleep for a couple of hours. Then I am dealing with phone calls, text messages and emails for the majority of the morning…by the time they die down and I want to nap, I can’t because then it’s time for the daytime programming I actually want to watch. Then dinner, then evening phone calls, emails and text messages. It is a vicious cycle.
The Stupid Girls Club was in full effect this week. It is a hastily formed offshoot of the Panel and has only 2 members…there are probably more but they don’t know this club exists yet. My contribution to the meeting was that this time off gave me time to go through old emails and email folders in an attempt to clear out things no longer needed, wanted or useful to make space on my hard drive…and I came across PC’s folder. Re-reading our old emails, I think I fell in love with the man all over again for about 15 minutes. Not long, but long enough to send him a communication. I definitely felt stupid afterwards, but I also had a little more clarity. I no longer want this man…to be truthful, I stopped wanting him a long time ago. I do however, miss who he was and how he made me feel in the beginning. I regret having opened myself up to him given how things turned out and I am disappointed he turned out to be the person he is. My ego is definitely still bruised and I still have the whys and what ifs but they are dying down, and I am thankful he still cannot speak to me…because I cannot go through this again. Not with PC or any other man, and to be honest (and even more stupid than I probably already am)….I am still in a space where if he came back the right way with the right words…I would try again. Reminiscing….one of the ways the Devil utilizes idle time.
I had lunch with my team (I know I no longer work there, but they are and will always be my team) which was fun. I even went back to the office and tried to take over the window, which wasn’t right. It is no longer my window and no longer my job. I think the inability to let go stretches beyond men. But I told them what I am about to tell you readers: I begin a new assignment Monday. So this week off is my only week off. I didn’t want to take the assignment…I wanted at least another week off so I could really rest and do nothing. I wanted to truly sleep in, catch matinees, maybe a couple of daytime dates (if anyone not idiotic responded to the ads) and just see if any pieces of my plan fell into place. But there were more pros to taking the job than a little bit.
First, I am lucky and blessed to get anything this late in the fiscal year. It is ongoing which means that the original promise of short term is probably null and void and at this point, the longer term, the better. It is a definite paycut but better than trying to exist off unemployment (should I even get it) and dates. It gives me a chance to keep my skills set up and the commute is pretty sweet…2 metro stops and a one block walk to work. And the best part is: it is a brand new start. This is a job untouched by PC, Him, AFO and Married Man. These folks no nothing about the phone that exploded from the fast and furious texting, they have no idea about the glorious heights of happiness I can attain with someone I fall for or the pits of despair I land in when that special someone turns out to be whatever it is they really are….they won’t know I am emotionally shutdown and with these folks, I won’t be able to obsess and wonder what the hell. To them, I will be the temp who is a good worker and sometimes comes in late.
Of course, they won’t know about Dottie and that’s fine…I will have no choice but to step up my game diet wise and take further control of the situation. And I still have my team to check in with…they will make sure I do the right things while so far away from home. I will meet new people and do new things and best part is no idle time. I need this assignment to help me move forward a little more than I have been. I need to see who I really am now that I have a Dottie and without a Prince Charming or Captain American around to validate me. I will say this…I am excited and nervous but not scared. It’s another part of the journey and oh, the possibilities!
So, I think that’s it for this post…check back soon for my open letter to men, updates about the new assignment and other posts. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!