Out West

This is a post I am hoping will be fun. At the very least educational and light-hearted. I am tired of being all heavy and deep and trying to find out the whys. Fuck the whys….the man is gone, I am not looking for another one and hoping none are looking for me. And Readers (I swear, I want to give you all a new name….”Readers” sounds so serious and a little stand-offish to me. You come here and read all my business that is laid out like a drunk hooker at a party and the best I can call you is “Reader”. Thinking Lovebugs or Honeybuns or something), we can all thank UTA for this post. My friend/confidante/sister of the heart and I have been talking, laughing and giggling like school girls for the past week or so….and she is getting me to do what I have never done: I am laughing at my pain. Rather, what the source of my pain has become….perspective is everything.

Going to start this post with saying my birthday was Monday and it was an incredible day…Facebook showed me lots of love, Downstairs Neighbor took me to dinner and I know I was a little bitchy and picky at first but it was all Dottie’s fault…and the greedy people descending upon my neighborhood. I do not like foods I do not recognize and I am not adventurous when it comes to food. Never have been , never will be and it seemed both restaurant options had stuff that did not sound right or sounded as if it went together…just one place had seating and the other didn’t. However, dinner was actually yummy and the leftovers were just as good the next day. Honeybee bought a cake….a birthday cake with FROSTING…and I was determined to eat some, despite the carb overload at dinner. Thank God I took meds before and after because I basically handed Dottie a loaded gun that evening. One would not think I really do want to see 49.

48th birthday cake

I received an email on my birthday from…Nebraska. Of all people. I did not even bother responding. I had a girls’ night out with Feisty One and my Childhood Friend (that is going to be talked about in my next blog post) which I have dubbed a #homance and started the 100 Day Happiness Challenge, courtesy of Preacher’s Wife. And I actually answered an ad for a one night stand….the guy is all of 10 (this dude is so baby-faced I wanted to give him a bonnet and a pacifier) and got pissed when I told him I had no sexual fantasies left. I guess he thought I was lying or flaking but seriously, I have been having sex longer than he has been alive and all the things he thinks are so kinky and taboo and “for real?”…I did 20 years ago. Last I saw of him, he was toddling off to the sandbox to ask the nerdy chick about playing with her BDSM Barbie.

On to the reason for today’s post… I have been moving forward with my life and it has taken a weird turn. For the first time in a long time, I have no male/physical distractions, not even the ads. I am getting zero responses and while I am thinking I may be losing my appeal, I am also happy because now I can focus 100% on where I go professionally (rather, where I want to go) and I stay true to the emotional shutdown. All I need at this point is to fall for the first cute face, first kind words or gestures to send me back where I started. So I get up early, ride the metro, go to work…and sit. The few tasks I have are overly familiar and quickly done so I admire the views inside and outside the office. I have no distractions, no text partners and surfing the net gets old before lunch (which I eat alone. Every day.). So I think about PC and wonder what his life is like now. In Utah. Without me and surrounded by a gaggle of folks. His Facebook tells me nothing except the usual: single dad, living in MD and strangely enough, he removed his education and Juris Doctor degree information. Well, I have nothing but time and a computer that is faster than mine, so I piece the info from extended Facebook stalking and look up life in Utah to give me an idea of what he really wanted and what I think I am missing out on.

Inside View 1

Inside View 2

View

The answer is: total nothing. He and his family (immediate and extended) live in a town (founded in 1854) that is the 3rd largest city in the southern part of the county and has a population of approximately 6,200 people (+10). Women outnumber the men (100 to 73) and the average median family income is $37,000….for singles,it’s $21,500. 30% of the population live at or below the poverty line. Whites makes up 90% of the population and Hispanics make up 9%…not a lot of room leftover for other ethnicities. There is one registered sex offender living there and there are inside jokes of a retired Grand Dragon of the KKK living in town. The entire town is like some modified version of Chik Fil A….open 11am-9pm, Monday-Saturday and closed on Sundays. They have the county fair, rodeos, demolition derbies/monster truck shows, Snow College (it bills itself as a rural, 2 year college offering certificates and Associates degrees….I say it’s a community college for Latter Day Saints) and church. In fact, the LDS (Latter Day Saints) church there is on the same street where he/they live.

Demolition Derby

LDS Church

There are putt-putt golf courses and motor raceways for family entertainment along with the Pioneer Park (it has a log cabin, a pond and a bridge) and the RV resort. There is a Peace Tree, a War Monument and their own newspaper. There is a movie theater that shows two movies…at least they are showing current releases. Fine dining options include: Snow Dragon (for all your Asian cuisine needs), Mc Donald’s, Lotsa Motsa Pizza, Los Amigos Mexican Restaurant, The Malt Shop and Ray’s Tavern where they are closed on Sundays for family and worship. Oh, and Ray’s now serves…PIE, people. As for PC and his days…his parents have two horses that his wife and daughter have ridden and that’s it as far as I can tell. Disclaimer: to say MG actually rode the horse is an exaggeration. The woman looked terrified, huffed/puffed, groaned and sighed as the horse was led/walked in a circle. The school aged children go to school and what he, MG and her grown children do all day is a mystery. The top employers there are Snow College and Auto Zone…not kidding. The McDonald’s needs a shift manager and there are a couple of trucking companies(not hiring and would require a CDL license…if PC is no longer acknowledging (let alone using) his law degree, not sure he has the initiative to go after a CDL license). There is one attorney in town and three others in a nearby town. They don’t even a “careers” section on their websites.

Chief_Walker,_Isaac_Morley,_and_wife_statue

malt shop

There is a Chick’s Rock ‘n’ Roost for the late night revelers, and here is something interesting about night life in Utah: one cannot bring alcohol or beer into the state of Utah and beer served in establishments (from 10am -1am) has an alcohol content of 3.2% or below. Full strength beer and harder spirits may be purchased at one of the 41 State Liquor Stores. By the way, those 41 state liquor stores span the entire state…so you will be travelling to get that buzz on. I just don’t see where it would be worth it since everything shuts down in that town at 9pm. Oh, here’s a tidbit: Utah’s population has grown by 6,000 since 2010 and not from folks relocating there….it’s a baby boom, so maybe sex is a pastime. Whether it’s a late night or family friendly one, I have no idea.

It is a quaint small town that is almost Mayberry-ish complete with history (apparently his ancestors fought numerous wars with the Indians) and a Main Street, but not sure what he or his family are doing there. Not sure what anyone other than retirees and college kids are doing there. Already this town has my vote for most boring city in America, especially for someone coming from a big, thriving urban area. His daughter has a look on her face that is a combination of WTF/someone come rescue me, his son appeared in two photos with a blank face and has not been seen since and PC’s sister looks crazy. In fact, in all the pictures I have seen, folks look either crazy or unhappy…such is life in Utah. The only ones trying to make the best of things and stay positive are MG’s two oldest daughters…her youngest child (who was straight gangsta complete with gang signs in California) looks like she woke up smack dab in the middle of a bad dream. PC makes appearances at the car/truck shows but other than that, who knows where he is and what he does.

Canyon

Main Street

Quaint

And this….this helps me to believe (so different from knowing) that I have not dodged a bullet…I have dodged a round of bullets fired from a machine gun. This life…this is not me. At all. I need culture, vibrancy and options for a night life/social life. I need an office to go sit in 8 hours a day to show off my pretty clothes… not boots, jeans and horse shit. I need fine dining at places where steaks cost more than $19.95 and sides are a la carte. I need a salary that is going to afford me the pretty clothes, fine dining and a roof over my head. I need a man who is going to utilize his higher education, be a provider and actually lead us/me/the relationship. Not someone whose dream is to increase his family by 7, uproot everyone to live in his mama’s basement and possibly get a job as a stocker at the Auto Zone seeing as the attorneys in town have closed rank. And seriously, if the man could not get an attorney job here in the DMV, Utah won’t offer him the opportunity either…the Promised Land, it isn’t. And this man who is actually doing this and living this life…this isn’t the man I met and knew and fell for. My PC had goals and dreams and wanted something…he was independent, take charge and wanted a strong, driven, independent woman by his side. Hell, MG can’t even do her babysitting gig since being uprooted but maybe she can still sell her Amway, so that may be something. But it isn’t enough for me…I need a roof of my own, both parties working hard to achieve goals and dreams and someone who doesn’t find senseless destruction of vehicles awesome. (Not going to really hold that against him as I want the experience of living in a true backwoods trailer park)

So this is my post about what I found out about possible life in Utah. I hope you enjoyed it (I know it ran kinda long) and will check back soon for more posts. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Fact Finding Mission

This post is going to be a continuation of my last post where I tried to bring clarity and understanding to the ridiculousity that is my Facebook stalking. I touched on a couple of points that need to be addressed. I may not be able to completely exorcise my demons but I can confront them. Not sure if that will help in any way but it’s time to stop either running from them or inviting them out to play. Hence, we (meaning me) are on a fact finding mission to really get to the heart of the matter. But first I want to tell you all about the thoughts I am entertaining about having a one night stand. I tried to keep the thought(s) at bay (you all KNOW I am not emotionally equipped for no strings…I am not the give and go type unless dollars are involved) by practicing my “selfie” skills. Readers, I SUCK at selfies: I am looking cock-eyed, cross-eyed and downright simple in my pictures. But, I digress…

Some people would say that is pretty much a normal thought for a single, somewhat healthy and sane woman to have. But you know me: sex (especially given freely) is way too complicated for me when things are good, smooth and I am both fulfilled and happy…this lump of barely held together walking, talking emotions I am now can barely handle masturbation. Yet, I am sitting here trying to plan one, and that may be mistake # 1…does one even plan a one night stand? Not wanting to go online to seek one…you cannot trust the flakes, fakes and creeps on CL to even respond back in a respectful manner. There is also the whole I want to live to tell someone about it and/or not having to see a doctor about penicillin shots in the ass. Ideal scenario: tall, white, stocky and attractive to me. Respectful, intelligent, can make me laugh and actually have some bedroom skills….so many men have NO idea how to please a woman, but they really think they are rocking her world. Us women play a huge part in that…if we stop faking orgasms, maybe the guys will realize they need to step up their game. That’s a big maybe. I would want the guy to host (so he would have to be single and metro accessible) because no way are they laying their naked anythings in my bed…I will take the walk of shame when it’s time to leave. Just need a comb, lipstick and a stick of gum. I realize there will be no financial validation but at this point, just a pleasant experience where I get to release a lot of tension with someone who will not make me feel like a piece of used toilet paper afterwards sounds like a good idea. I just tell myself my best “good ideas” have landed me exactly where I am right now.

The first thing to address from my last post is the interview with Lockheed Martin….I was not as prepared as I could have or should have been but apparently, I am good at faking more than orgasms….I am being submitted as their candidate of choice to the client…and the client is a huge deal. It would mean challenges as I would be learning new skills in a new field, benefits, more money and to have Lockheed Martin and Accenture on my resume? Pretty freaking impressive. However, it does mean a longer commute, a longer work day and since the team I would be working with would be so small, Dottie and I would have to work together to make into the office pretty much 95% of the time. It’s a tossup at this point as the current assignment is paying decently, the commute is amazing and what few duties I do have, I am extremely familiar with. If the new position is permanent, no contest.

The easier of the demons to tackle is the inability to let go…I stated I absolutely cannot let go and I think the cause of that is simple: I am not ready for it (It being the man of the hour) to end, to give up the source of my external happiness, not ready to fall out of love. A proper goodbye would help HEAPS in this regard. With PC it was/is extremely hard because I absolutely THRIVE on outside validation and I soak up attention like a sponge soaks up water. That man gave me both in spades…my cup runneth over with the attention and validation that man gave me. The Daddy/babygirl aspect was amazing….definitely unhealthy, probably strange but it both filled and awakened something in me at the same time. While PC shoulders most of the blame with his lying to me and leading me on, I have to face this fact: even if he told me the truth, I still would have fallen in love with him and then I would be all pissed and twisted because he still chose MG. But at least with the truth, it would have been MY choice. I would like to think that would make a difference. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to let go even though red flags are everywhere and it is evident the relationship is no longer what it was and at least one of us has outgrown the other, if we were even on the same level to begin with. Definitely I have issues with familiarity and change.

The harder of the demons is getting to the root of the matter of why I continue to try/chase after the men after I find out I am being played, they are liars, cheaters. Etc. I touched on this before in my Stupid White Men post but left it laying there because I was not ready to address the issue. Still not ready but let’s face it…I will NEVER be ready and have no expectations that I will solve this problem in this post, but it’s a start. The biggest reasons are denial and disbelief: every one of my exes told me and will tell you how sweet, wonderful, kind, caring, sexy, etc. I am…so if I am so many things wonderful and such an amazing woman…why am I the one who is left in the dust? Both Him and PC would have significantly different lives right now had they chosen me, and not saying that the choices made aren’t what they wanted (not seeing how, but life is strange) but what didn’t I offer other than other men’s children? (No offense to the single moms out there…both Him and PC stated constantly they neither wanted anymore children nor did they want to raise anymore). Let’s see: I have my own place, I am gainfully employed and did not want/need their money; I was loyal and faithful; I was supportive, encouraging and understanding. I was generous, available and accommodating; I am a great cook and keep a decent house; I was well dressed, well put together and smelled good. AND kept the issues tapped down somewhat. So I feel I have to show them and remind them of who I am, what I offer and how life is better with me. The denial is simple: I was so misted and blinded by the lies (at one point, they were the truth), the masks and the glimpses of honesty and vulnerability they showed me, there was NO WAY that truth and reality were actually truth and reality. It was some sort of cruel joke…and PC was the only one who tried to explain it…with MORE lies. That I chose to believe because again…not ready for it to end. We could work this out, which of course, we can’t because even though I don’t believe the truth in my face…my distrust is greater. It’s a vicious cycle and one I am tired of repeating.

So I have rooted out the biggest reasons, but what to do now? How to stop the cycle? Obviously, I need to make better choices in men…that starts with me knowing I deserve better and that cute (to me at least) faces and pretty words are nothing unless backed up by positive, reinforcing actions. I need to know what I really want and not settle for less in the name of compromise (both parties should be compromising and not early on in a relationship). If a guy is dangling promises of “wait, it will be worth it”…no need in hanging around. Those promises will never come to fruition. If a guy doesn’t communicate well, I pass. And frankly, not sure if I will even find myself in this position again because in order for the emotional shutdown to lift, I have to be willing to trust and take a chance again…and PC has effectively killed my trust. Twice. There is nothing without trust. But I jump ahead of myself…there are no prospects on the horizon and not looking for any.

And that’s all for this post…I have basically slept my birthday weekend away and I am more than fine with that. I do have birthday dinner plans with Downstairs Neighbor (how great she wants to help me celebrate the 19th anniversary of my 29th birthday) but that’s about it. No cooking, no laundry…just total laziness and while there were twinges of guilt from the control issues..overall, it felt really good to have 2 days of nothingness and pajamas. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Face.Book.

Hello, Readers. Going to try to tackle a tough subject today. Well, it isn’t that tough a subject but it requires me to be truthful and I am never ready to be that. But before I get to that, going to procrastinate by making small talk. Almost a week into the assignment and I have no complaints. The people were expecting me and knew who I was….I got an ID badge, a laptop and login that works and the views from the office are spectacular. I am going to actually try and include some pictures to show you guys the $2 million view, but if you don’t see them below, just know I utterly failed in my attempts. I am left alone and to my own devices 90% of the time, which after the social and professional interaction I constantly had with my team makes me feel a little like either a bird in a gilded cage or a kid in timeout. But I am adapting.

View 3 View 2 View 1

Did I tell you I almost slept with Ben Affleck? Okay, not the REAL Ben Affleck but a guy who looked like a hipster version of him. The guy answered my ad and seemed really nice and funny albeit a tad creepy. His questions and answers were very blunt and once we exchanged face pictures, I told him he looked like Ben Affleck. His response was to ask me did I want to fuck Ben Affleck…UTA says the answer to anything Ben Affleck is always: YES! Alas, Ben had an obvious  touch of  ADHD (unmedicated)  and had no availability during evenings and weekends, so it never happened. Probably a good thing for everyone involved.

 And now, on to the reason for this post. You guys know I Facebook stalk the exes and the PC stalking is in full effect….not full time but often enough, and the one question I get asked by everyone is; WHY do I do it? Why do I do this to myself? And while I would love to say I don’t know (simply because it’s easier than trying to verbalize all the incredibly deeply rooted and unhealthy factors that drive me and that always end up accompanying the situations my relationships dissolve into)…I do know. I fear that you won’t understand, but it’s time to put it out there. Not only for me to try and pinpoint the impetus and perhaps stop it (trust me, the powerlessness the stalking brings plays havoc with my control issues and my esteem) but also to put it out there for that one person who WILL understand it. That person who will read this and get it and know they are not alone, whether they have been where I am, actually are where I am or maybe even headed this way. Hopefully, I can explain my motives here and show you there is a method to the madness and it goes beyond me being an idiot.  

 Masochist:  I listed this one first for the simple reason I am one. I mean, one would HAVE to be to do this and on a continuous, almost compulsive basis. The word is defined thusly: gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification. However, I tend to word it as misery loves company…and I AM miserable and while not quite lonely, definitely alone. I don’t want to see PC happy, anymore than I wanted Him happy in the beginning, for the simple reason being my sorrow, sadness and heartbreak are a direct result of his happiness. So I go looking and prying into not only his life but the lives of anyone else associated with the man to (hopefully) find sadness, anger, strife, disappointment…..I want to see what he left me reflected in his life also.

 Truth: Lies and cowardice are a bad combination and the fact that this man who really was a gamechanger (for a little while at least) turned out to be all things horrible and terrible, AND married another woman ?? I need truth, I need answers and IF PC had the balls to speak to me…I still wouldn’t believe him because every word out of his mouths is a lie. Every.word. But the people he is now related to on/via Facebook don’t lie. They have no need to. Pictures don’t lie, but in a way, pictures are a mask…they show what people want you to see. Most people tend to smile and pull closer when they see the camera pointed in their direction; doesn’t mean life is good and a bed of roses. Wishful thinking perhaps, but still…it all comes together to tell me what he wouldn’t or couldn’t.

Indescribable Feeling: I seriously cannot come up with a word or words to describe this…whatever it is. All I know is it is made up of a lot of different emotions. It is part me not being able to let go and no, I am not making a grammar faux pas when I say I am not able to let go. My heart is like a dog with a bone or someone hanging onto the edge of a cliff by their fingernails….I absolutely cannot let go. What you need to know about me (and believe about me) is that I am that chick who is all or nothing when it comes to falling for someone. When I fall in love, I am immersed into the person, I become completely obsessed with them and knowing all about them and quite frankly, no one else exists for me. PC took this to new heights because he seemed to soak me up as much as I soaked him up…there was no time or room for anyone else. He entered the picture and became the picture. It is partly disbelief: how can you have given me so much time and attention, how could we have just spent the entire Christmas Day talking and texting, laughing, flirting and making plans to meet up and move forward and the next day…you have a girlfriend. A long time, about to get married to her girlfriend? How could you tell me that I am reading it wrong, she is just an old friend and I am and always have been the only one? Then flip the script again and just shutdown. Completely, as if I never existed and we never happened. No explanation or apology…just gone. Yeah, having a hard time with that.  And finally there is some denial in there…seriously, you had a woman who was pretty, professional, polished, domestic, funny, well read and has a healthy sex drive. A woman who had nothing but time, attention and love to give you and your kids. A woman with drive and ambition. A woman who is about to interview with Lockheed Martin for heaven’s sake…and you would rather be with a chick who isn’t working, has 6 kids with her wherever she goes and can’t speak enough English to ask for a cup of coffee. No.. this is a bad, bad joke.

Closure: I know some would argue that this does not even belong here….obviously there is no closure. If there were, I would no longer be stalking, and for real…how can you close the wound if you keep picking at it? But the more I stalk and see that he really has moved on to a new life and is solidifying it…it makes me HAVE to move on. Life moves you on but on a superficial level…you do the daily routines, you talk to your friends, you go to work, you run errands and do chores. But a part of you stays stuck. With the stalking, I cannot stay stuck…for what? He has married the woman, and merged their families. He and his kids, her and her kids and grandkids are all living in Utah..in his parents’ house, They are going to Monster Truck shows together, one of MG’s daughters is saying how this is a new life and new beginning for all of them . Oh, it hurts…at one point in time, he was my new beginning. PC was MY happily ever after, and I was the one who (he said) made him laugh and kept the darkness away. I was the one he was emailing and texting in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep….he was my new beginning, my new life. But obviously, it did not work out that way. His future and apparently his happiness lay with another…kind of a harsh, incomplete form of closure but it motivates me to focus on the road ahead in all realms: physically, emotionally and mentally.  And while I am emotionally shutdown and kinda hate all men right now, it is for healing and protection purposes. I will fall again….the Panel and I are hoping that the next time I won’t be so trusting and so obsessed. (that’ll never happened….we will be back here again like it’s our first time around)

Clarity: At the end of the day, when I am done idealizing and romanticizing PC and what I shared with him (and truthfully, that man made me happier than anyone else EVER and inspired me to become a better person) I have to look at the facts and remember that if I am honest with myself…the man and I would not have worked out. Not long term anyway. Let’s see….he is Mormon and while I believe in live and let live, our spiritual beliefs have to be somewhat in alignment. Besides, he is religious and I am spiritual…there is a difference. Next, apparently he enjoys monster truck shows…I pass. I enjoy museums…he wants to know how “cool” the museum is. You don’t go to a museum for cool points! Not sure about the large family…could be the Mormon in him but the man I met was not one for large crowds or families….he wanted peace, quiet and solitude. The man is a liar, a cheater and a coward…I am not even sure if he knows how to tell the truth. That does not bode well for anyone involved with him, although he may have changed his ways. I could have been a one time aberration. He has moved everyone into his mama’s house…yeah, I really want and need a man who has moved himself and two kids  cross country along with 6 other people to live with his parents. With no job at all. Oh, and let’s not forget he is still portraying himself on social media as a single dad who still lives here on the east coast. (You know, that could be another reason I stalk…to see when HE will acknowledge his life changes rather than other folks doing it for him). Yeah, the man is weird, strange and oddly enough….he is just not as cute as he used to be. Sister Someone says stalking is caring but I think stalking can open your eyes to what you refused to see before if you do it long enough.

So, these are the reasons I come up with off the top of my head….there may be some others, and if there are enough of them or a deep enough/broad enough base for them, I may explore them. Damn sure not going to say “I felt like it” and call it a post. And I really do not recommend or suggest anyone do the Facebook stalking…unless you have some Sherlock Homegirl in you, it can be very frustrating. I am naturally nosy and inquisitive and watch a lot of mysteries and detective shows. And I will tell you this…every time I go or have gone stalking/snooping…I end up hurt and too stupid to keep my findings to myself. Whether it was Married Man’s wallet and phone, Him’s emails or PC’s Facebook…I have always found something that makes me catch my breath as the knife slides through my heart. It all stems from the trust issues and wanting to make sure I am not being played but then when I see I am….what do I do about it? Okay, we are now entering  an entirely new blog post with completely different terrain….but it is definitely a topic for discussion down the road. Gonna wrap this up and hopefully all of this made sense to someone other than me.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!  

Take Two

I have zero idea what is going to end up in this post. I am feeling a little tired (Dottie is showing out a little today…my right eye is throbbing and my left foot is now one with the neuropathy) and while not melancholy…maybe a bit nostalgic. I am drafting a couple of future blog posts which are going to require honesty and vulnerability… not trying to deal with that right now. Wondering if there is a way to just fall in love with a guy…bypass the whole liking process. Love knows when it is being disrespected and can and will walk away, head held high. But like…like gets you stuck. Stuck on stupid. I don’t want to be stupid anymore…and in this moment, I’m not. In this moment, I am just enjoying the peace, quiet and cool of my apartment on a hot and humid summer morning.

So, I have enjoyed my unexpected week off…and actually managed to get some rest and relaxation in for at least two days. It sucked because I was majorly broke this week…I mean, not even online shopping took place, no fast food or ordering out took place and I seriously considered giving up cigarettes because I could not afford my habit this week broke. I wanted to go to the Newseum or maybe a couple of matinees, but no groupons, coupons or dollars…but I do have cable so I made do. I finally saw Frozen and watched Looper which was surprisingly interesting (not a sci-fi fan). I caught up with Married at First Sight, saw a couple of episodes of Dating Naked and discovered the new USA show Rush. I was even more surprised to find myself drawn into this show…the main character (as explained by his best friend) “runs off blow and pussy and needs to keep his tank fueled.” And the best friend is Larenz Tate…not a huge Larenz Tate fan even though he is a cutie-pie. But I like him in this show….and there is great music in this show. Like Grey’s Anatomy good music. Caught an Law & Order: SVU marathon…that show is really depressing, but addictive. Oh, my groceries need replenishing though because I cooked. A lot.

I did manage to replenish my coffers towards the end of the week and took myself out on a date…dinner and a movie. I found out I am nice, sweet, helpful and a good tipper…waitstaff love me. On the down side, I am a tad boring and a lot impatient…not with waitstaff though. They bring me food. The only things I did job related this week were to send in some original paperwork for direct deposit authorization to an agency I am already registered with and to fill out the mountain of paperwork Fun One gave me so I could re-register with his agency. I know the man and I have not spoken in at least a year, but all is fair in love, war and unemployment. The best things that happened this week are I got a new assignment and to submitted for another one. When I wasn’t even looking, they both fell in my lap, and I am excited again. The new assignment starts Monday and is presented as short term but could be long term or even permanent for the right person. After the fiasco that was last week’s assignment, I am crossing fingers these folks are at least expecting me. At least this job came via a new agency/national recruiter; if it had come through the same agency as last week, we would not even be discussing this. The assignment I have been submitted for starts in October, is a multiyear contract and offers health benefits, paid time off and paid holidays. We’ll see what happens with that.

And I think this is all I have to say for now. Saving honesty, stupidity and soul searching for another day and other posts. Today, going to relax, be domestic and prepare for yet another new assignment. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading, and as usual….enjoy your day!

One Hit Wonder

I think I have figured out my purpose in life: I am the one who deals with all the incredible levels of WTFness that mere mortals would be unable to handle. That, or I am one of God’s favorites and the tests and setbacks are preparing me for a wonderfulness that I can only dream of. Except it usually happens in my personal/emotional life…yes, there have been a couple of crazy bitches in the professional world that I worked for/dealt with and a couple of incidents that tried unsuccessfully to bring me down, but for the most part Workforce Robin makes it through unscathed and has Girlfriend Robin contemplating the joys and rewards of becoming a workaholic.

Yesterday I started my new assignment. The one I was grateful for but not quite happy with, but when I woke up yesterday morning, I took deep breaths and told myself it was going to be fine. I prayed for an open mind and heart, and to be the best person I could be on this assignment. I stretched, I laid out my outfit and posted on Facebook that I felt as if it were the first day of school and I was the new kid. I also saw a poster that read: Not every opportunity is my assignment. I should have paid more attention to that. I left out on time (5 minute train ride), stopped for breakfast (didn’t want Dottie cutting up Day 1) and got good luck texts and emails from Artsy Craftsy, New Mommy, Feisty One, Awesome One, Tiger (yes, he’s back!) and Chef. I felt loved and empowered and when I got to the jobsite 10 minutes early…you could not tell me anything.

And then bright, blood red flags fell everywhere…first, no one knew who I was or what I was doing there. They had no clue about a temp. The person I was to ask for (in the email the agency sent me) was literally scratching her head after reading my emailed instructions. So I call the agency…this would be a quick fix, I thought. Except the recruiter is telling me I wasn’t supposed to ask for the woman mentioned in the email (the email specifically said to ask for this person)…I needed to ask for someone else (the someone else was listed as the timesheet approver). Except the timesheet approver was nowhere to be found. By this time, the original point of contact had found someone else and all of a sudden…they knew what they needed the temp for. I relay this to the recruiter who still wants to talk to the timesheet approver…she is going to reach out to him to find out what’s going on and get back with me.

The original point of contact (OPOC) tells me I am there for one day…maybe two if I am a slow worker and I need to sit tight while they find me a place to work. After 20 minutes or so, I am stuck in half a cubicle with someone on either side of me and someone right across from me. OPOC runs around to get me a laptop, a phone and some work. While she’s gone, I am processing the fact that my 8 week to long term assignment was reduced to one day. One day where I was not expected or known about and the one person who apparently knew everything was both MIA and deep undercover. So I call the agency again to relay this information and all the recruiter can say is: mmmm-hmmm, and some half assed reassurance that the timesheet approver (TA) would clear this up…once she talked to him.

By this time the OPOC is back and logging into the laptop so she could email me a spreadsheet. On this spreadsheet are 60 names…I need to call these people, remind me them of offer letters for the afterschool/aftercare programs and update said spreadsheet with the results of the phone calls. So my admin/data entry position is nothing more than phone calls, although I guess updating a spreadsheet could be construed as admin/data entry. So, I suck it up and decide to make the best of the situation and get to work. One thing about me, I am an excellent worker whether I want to be in the mood to work or not. When faced with multiple tasks, I may not get them all done (in one day) but the priority tasks are taken care of and with one task? I want it out the way and done. Correctly. So I was friendly and talkative and made meticulous notes while updating the spreadsheet…until I had to go potty.

While on the short break, I called the agency again and told them this was nothing what they said it would be…I am not utilizing or learning…I am making phone calls. By this time, the recruiter is pretty pissed at me and says she can always pull me from the assignment. I ask her WHAT assignment? The people had to dig up work for me that I would be finished with long before 5pm and good luck pulling me because I would not be around. I told her this may be a huge misunderstanding but it is not a very good first impression of the agency or of DC government (and frankly, was so not surprised at DC government…I told you all in the last blog post they are subject to whatever, whenever) and smacked of unprofessionalism. The recruiter said she would get back to me and I returned to my seat…where I was locked out of the computer and the OPOC had disappeared. Gone, vanished, ghost.

I thought for about five minutes and remembered she had emailed the spreadsheet to my personal email account…I replied to that email letting her know I was locked out and needed to be logged back in. Nothing. And a half hour later…still nothing. Now, I am all for goofing off and not working too hard (especially when it is evident this is a one shot deal and no one really gives a fuck) but I wanted this task completed…seriously, how hard could it be to make 60 phone calls and make notes? That is when I got creative: I opened the spreadsheet on my PHONE, made calls and handwrote the updates. UTA said I was working way too hard and should have gone home a long time ago, but at this point, it was more pride/ego than people pleasing. And the whole don’t burn bridges thing. So I got the calls made, the updates written down and when the OPOC returned 2 hours after I emailed her….I was ready to update the sheet electronically.

After she begrudgingly logged me back in, it was no more than a half hour later that everything was updated and emailed back to her. She sent me to lunch and I was going to just go home but Artsy Craftsy and my mommy told me to return…let them be the ones to say the assignment was over. Which they did soon after I returned and took my seat. The funny part is OPOC didn’t even tell me herself and I was not thanked for my efforts. Some scruffy office worker I will call Shaggy said there was nothing left for me to do and I could go home. I called the agency again to tell them this and the recruiter is all like how she is going to get with the TA and straighten this out and would be in touch.

I ran some errands and was home before 4pm…and proceeded to tell folks about the WTF day I had. One thing everyone said was that tomorrow would be a better day. I am like…WHAT tomorrow? The assignment is over. The fact that no one knew about me or that I was unexpected says too much, the fact that OPOC said the assignment was a day long (and that turned out to be a lie) said even more. The unprofessionalism of the temp agency speaks volumes and as I write this the recruiter has not called to offer an explanation or apology says too much. I still need to login to some sort of time portal to report basically 4 hours of work but wondering really is that going to be worth it…$60 after taxes and I won’t see it until the 22nd of this month? It might be better to chalk it up as volunteering to help the children.

So, I slept in this morning and after I finish this post, I am going to prepare some mailings, check in with an agency I registered with a couple of weeks ago, fill out some paperwork for another temp agency, return a phone call from a company that is interested in my resume and clean my house. I may text the Sheriff and let him know I am willing to be on time if he takes me back. Hey, I am not above begging, be it personally or professionally. Not upset that the assignment did not work out….I had misgivings about it from the start but pretty pissed at the runaround and basic waste of my time. I don’t need help when it comes to wasting my time. On the plus side…I do get more time off to rest, relax and plan my next move.

Well, there you have it…my long term, admin/data entry assignment condensed to 2 hours of phone calls and one blog post. It’s got to be a record. Check back soon for more posts and updates (about what, who knows) and as always…thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Other Stuff

Not sure what this post is doing here, but not wanting to get deeply emotional with the open letter to men (trust me, it’s going to go there) and feeling the need to just…talk. About everything on my mind and nothing in particular. I guess this post is about the in-between things that happen; you know the things (big or small) that take place in the midst of something else and it’s either too insignificant to mention alone or too big to grasp…so you let it go until it either rides off into the sunset or you can process it properly. I have lots of those moments, I just don’t talk about it a lot.

First thing, tomorrow I start the new assignment and while I am grateful and thankful…I am not happy. I don’t know these people, I don’t know the job and frankly not wanting to trek into an office I don’t know. There won’t be Boy Wonder and/or the Hard Headed One at the window when I arrive, Awesome One will not be there with her smile and cheerful good morning. The Smart One won’t come breezing through to say hello to everyone before getting his morning coffee to bring him to full wakefulness. No Sheriff checking the clock, no Feisty One to make lunch plans with, no the One I Love fistbumping everyone and no Harpo. No rides into town with Uncle Ben, no Sunshine, no jokes from my Favorite and no Good Looking One offering cake for pie. I will be a stranger among strangers and will have to prove myself all over again.

My only hope is there is no Craziest Bitch in America at this jobsite…when I worked for her, I was in the same building I am headed to tomorrow, just a different floor and agency. I ended up leaving that assignment because as much crazy as I deal with on a personal level, I cannot tolerate it in the professional realm. One must have an escape somewhere. If nothing else, I should be entertained: DC government manages to find the most extreme examples of workers. When I worked for the CBIA, there were employees sitting at their desks greasing their scalps and rolling their hair; showing up for work at 11am and lunching at 11:30am; and flirtatious men. Not very attractive, very much married flirtatious men. Not to mention the corruption that seems to be prevalent in every DC government agency…just hoping they aren’t looking for a scapegoat. Been there, done that one too. I do know there are NO expectations for this assignment…DC government is subject to do anything at any given time with no warning, and they will claim no knowledge.

While this weekend has been both productive and restful (save my wondering what the hell DC government has in store for me), I have been feeling Prince Charming’s presence which is making me slightly edgy and nostalgic. It isn’t like with the Him disaster where I constantly wondered what he was doing, was he happy with her, did he miss me…PC is doing whatever it is he does. It isn’t like when I realized that last time was the last time..when I Facebook stalked so much and so hard, I figured out at least 30 folks on his friends list (I made a list and kept it…I know, I know) and found out he was more than likely a Mormon (which explains a lot on a lot of levels)…I am still hung up on the man but in the way people are hung up on the last one until either they fade away or the next one knocks them out the box. No, I FEEL PC…I feel his presence, hear his voice and somehow this past week I have fallen back into the meal and sleep pattern I had when we were together. I am back looking at my phone, expecting a message from him. I am thinking of him and feel that he is thinking of me. Not sure why, but in a way it’s comforting and in a way has me thinking I am crazy, as in certifiable. I guess in a subconscious way, I am rebelling against the change that is taking place where he is concerned or maybe I am coming to the end of the process, although thinking I wouldn’t be feeling him so strongly. Would like to think it would be…Prince WHO? The only other option I come up with is we are truly soulmates…but with his lies, inability to face truth and reality and getting married, this option is highly unlikely.

The Oscars have suffered a loss so devastating, I cannot put it into words. And not trying to…first, it isn’t my story to tell and with all my life experiences, I have zero idea what it is like to lose a parent or a child. I can’t even say I understand or have an inkling of understanding. All I can do is offer my condolences and prayers and to let them know they do not grieve alone. They will get through this…they are strong people who don’t quit or give up in the face of adversity but this test is taking all they have.

Morning Person and I are still not speaking and it would appear she is also not speaking to other people…specifically Busy Bee. Call me what you will, but I am pretty intuitive and can put more than 2+2 together…Busy Bee has been calling me, just to talk. Not that we did not do that before, but it wasn’t as frequent as it is now. Morning Person was our conduit as we both spoke more to her than each other, so MP was the one who updated us on what was going on. But for the past 2-3 weeks, Busy Bee has been calling, telling me what’s going on with her, asking about me and wanting to make plans that involve only the two of us. She no longer asks me have I talked to Morning Person and no longer mentions the woman. Thinking if the two were still talking, Morning Person would have said (at the least) she no longer talks to me…and Busy Bee would ask me why because she is as nosy as I am. Maybe it’s me, but thinking there is more going on with Morning Person than just that argument we had.

I guess this is all the “other stuff” that has been happening…if I left anything out, it rode off into the sunset without me. Going to spend the rest of my Sunday showering, cleaning and watching Big Brother. Taking deep breaths and thinking positively that tomorrow will be great and I won’t miss my team too much. Have to remember the possibilities…in a good way, right? So, until next time…as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

On a Break

It is the end of my first week of unemployment and frankly, I feel like I got more rest at work. I have been working really hard all week what with following up on interviews, having phone interviews, applying for unemployment, filling out job applications and letting everyone and their brother know I am ready, willing and available to work. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the Roach sent me a text message telling me I upset him by suggesting he was not committed to me and to the prospect of an “us” and that he was not up to the task of repairing my hurt, pain and damage. I told him he was definitely underestimating my issues and neediness, but hey…if he wanted to prove me wrong, go right ahead. And of course, he proved me right by not saying/typing another word.

Which is fine. Really. There is nothing there, at least on my end. For once, I have met a man I don’t want attention from. Besides, I have a lot going on , beginning with my body still in work mode. Every morning this week I have awaken at 5:30am, if not earlier. And my poor body doesn’t realize we have no place to go until after I am fully awake…so I lay there and read horoscopes or watch infomercials until I drift back to sleep for a couple of hours. Then I am dealing with phone calls, text messages and emails for the majority of the morning…by the time they die down and I want to nap, I can’t because then it’s time for the daytime programming I actually want to watch. Then dinner, then evening phone calls, emails and text messages. It is a vicious cycle.

The Stupid Girls Club was in full effect this week. It is a hastily formed offshoot of the Panel and has only 2 members…there are probably more but they don’t know this club exists yet. My contribution to the meeting was that this time off gave me time to go through old emails and email folders in an attempt to clear out things no longer needed, wanted or useful to make space on my hard drive…and I came across PC’s folder. Re-reading our old emails, I think I fell in love with the man all over again for about 15 minutes. Not long, but long enough to send him a communication. I definitely felt stupid afterwards, but I also had a little more clarity. I no longer want this man…to be truthful, I stopped wanting him a long time ago. I do however, miss who he was and how he made me feel in the beginning. I regret having opened myself up to him given how things turned out and I am disappointed he turned out to be the person he is. My ego is definitely still bruised and I still have the whys and what ifs but they are dying down, and I am thankful he still cannot speak to me…because I cannot go through this again. Not with PC or any other man, and to be honest (and even more stupid than I probably already am)….I am still in a space where if he came back the right way with the right words…I would try again. Reminiscing….one of the ways the Devil utilizes idle time.

I had lunch with my team (I know I no longer work there, but they are and will always be my team) which was fun. I even went back to the office and tried to take over the window, which wasn’t right. It is no longer my window and no longer my job. I think the inability to let go stretches beyond men. But I told them what I am about to tell you readers: I begin a new assignment Monday. So this week off is my only week off. I didn’t want to take the assignment…I wanted at least another week off so I could really rest and do nothing. I wanted to truly sleep in, catch matinees, maybe a couple of daytime dates (if anyone not idiotic responded to the ads) and just see if any pieces of my plan fell into place. But there were more pros to taking the job than a little bit.

First, I am lucky and blessed to get anything this late in the fiscal year. It is ongoing which means that the original promise of short term is probably null and void and at this point, the longer term, the better. It is a definite paycut but better than trying to exist off unemployment (should I even get it) and dates. It gives me a chance to keep my skills set up and the commute is pretty sweet…2 metro stops and a one block walk to work. And the best part is: it is a brand new start. This is a job untouched by PC, Him, AFO and Married Man. These folks no nothing about the phone that exploded from the fast and furious texting, they have no idea about the glorious heights of happiness I can attain with someone I fall for or the pits of despair I land in when that special someone turns out to be whatever it is they really are….they won’t know I am emotionally shutdown and with these folks, I won’t be able to obsess and wonder what the hell. To them, I will be the temp who is a good worker and sometimes comes in late.

Of course, they won’t know about Dottie and that’s fine…I will have no choice but to step up my game diet wise and take further control of the situation. And I still have my team to check in with…they will make sure I do the right things while so far away from home. I will meet new people and do new things and best part is no idle time. I need this assignment to help me move forward a little more than I have been. I need to see who I really am now that I have a Dottie and without a Prince Charming or Captain American around to validate me. I will say this…I am excited and nervous but not scared. It’s another part of the journey and oh, the possibilities!

So, I think that’s it for this post…check back soon for my open letter to men, updates about the new assignment and other posts. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!