Life sucks…pretty badly. The past 7 months have brought with them Dottie, the entire Prince Charming fiasco and now…the one thing that WAS a constant and kept me motivated and going…is gone. The job ends July 31st. I am so frustrated and out of steam…I have spent the evening screaming and crying, after holding it together all day long. Readers, I am so incredibly TIRED….tired of doing the right things, being a good person, of having hopes and expectations of anyone and anything only to be kicked in the teeth every freaking time. EVERY.TIME. I mean, am I the person who takes all the shit? Am I the one who can’t have a year of happiness without it being replaced by the same situations, over and over? Did I break a chain letter? I swear, I must have done something horrible 10,000 times because I seem to be the one reaping all kinds of fucked up Karma. It is to the point that if I had the courage, strength and no fear of death, I would just end it all. No more worries, anxiety, or heartache…just make sure to bury me in my black and ivory lace dress and don’t let the trannys and cross dressers have my fabulous wardrobe.
So before folks start calling thinking I am making elaborate suicide plans…I’m not going to kill myself. But as I said in a long ago post…I see why folks do it. The tiredness is too much sometimes. Instead, I am making plans so I am not caught completely off guard, and I knew this was coming: anytime The Sherriff says there are no viable candidates when the two contractors already doing the job(s) are sitting right there…you kinda know the party is winding down. So I have submitted myself for two long term contracts, given the current agency my updated resume and reached out to a contact with yet another agency letting them know I am available. I have appointments with the dentist (even though he tried to kill me when he extracted the two back teeth) and with Dottie’s doctor before the insurance runs out. As much as I don’t want to, I plan to take my ass into work (almost) every day until the end of the month so the last two checks can be as full as possible. And of course, there is always unemployment…my old, old friend. We shall be meeting again. And here is where my plan(s) end…I will probably add to them as thoughts arise, but this is what chicks like me do…we put ice packs on the bruised areas where we were kicked and sucker punched, put our masks on and make plans.
Going to apologize right now because I am sure a lot of you are expecting some juicy, gossipy blog post given the title , but Preacher’s Wife and The Baby Daddy are two women…these ladies and I go a long way back. Back to the days of Married Man (The Baby Daddy called him Cat Daddy) and the Island. There is no sex or drama here to distract me from the realities of my life; rather, I am talking about these two ladies because right now…they have and exemplify what I need in my life right now. When I am out of steam and options and just cannot take it anymore, I tend to sit back although that kills my control issues. I sit back, I reflect and I observe who is in my circle for inspiration, and right now I need to be inspired to dig deep for faith, belief, determination and the strength to do the hard work. I need the inspiration to maybe take a leap of faith and go out on a limb and do something so unlike me until plans fall into place…and these two ladies have what I need to inspire me.
Preacher’s Wife…this lady (you cannot call her a chick, a girl or even a woman…in my opinion, she is a classy, sassy lady) from the very beginning put me on every prayer list in town and has lifted me up in prayer quite often. She knows my story, she sees the good in me, the hard work and efforts I exert towards the right and wrong in my life. I think I give her gray hairs but I make her laugh with my truthfulness and openness but for me…when I see the glow in her face, the peace in her eyes and the calm of her demeanor…I am so envious. Preacher’s Wife has an inner peace that comes from a faith and a belief so great and huge in her Higher Power, it cannot help but to show. She does not bother to sweat the small stuff or the bigger stuff…she places it where it belongs…out of her life and in the hands of the One she KNOWS (not just believes) will right the wrongs. She knows that rewards and justice are hers and I want that security so badly in my life. She has no expectations in anything or anyone other than God and herself…she knows that people will fail you and life will be unfair, so why be surprised? When I was dating Married Man, her question was always: what good do you see coming from this? When Him married BTH, she backed away because I was filled with hatred and venom, but she told me to let it go. Easier said than done but once I did…watch what happens. With PC, she told me that just because a man goes to church and prays does NOT make him a #manofGod. Preacher’s Wife is amazing…I am sure she has been hurt and disappointed (she is human and been in love) but one would never know. She tells me all the time I am beautiful, better is coming and no matter how happy I thought I was with PC…let it go and watch God work in my life….I will be even happier, and happier more than that. As soon as I start speaking to God again, I am going to make spiritual strengthening a priority.
The Baby Daddy…okay, we can call her a chick. Unless it is a girly day for her, the we call her pretty. This woman is funny, opinionated and incredibly strong. She has a Dottie too, and her Dottie kicks her ass…but instead of lamenting about it or running to the doctor to stay dependent on medication…she has taken control. In the heat and humidity that is this city in the summer..she is running, walking, jumping rope. She is exercising, she is eating fruits and salads, she is alcohol free and writes open letters to her Dottie to let it know she is going to KILL it. She refuses to let it run her life or stop her from enjoying what she wants. The Baby Daddy knows that life is short and she refuses to live it in pain (physical or emotional) and she is not spending any more time than necessary on folks who have proven themselves not worth the time, effort and tears. She thumbs her nose at society and speaks with her voice, not a voice or tone people think she should use. She works a 9-5 but has started a side business where she indulges her passion and her hard work, determination and belief in herself has her business making a name for itself. The Baby Daddy (you have to use the “the” as she is my only baby daddy) thinks I am great, funny and sexy and she is another one I envy. I want that belief in myself, I want to be able to vent and find the strength when there is none to dig deep and make one.more.push. I want to be enough for me…if someone comes along to complement me, fine but I don’t want to be completed any longer…I want to complete me. The Baby Daddy inspires me to do that, and she is also inspiring me to take this upcoming break in employment to sit down and FINALLY start writing that book. I have incomplete drafts everywhere, an interesting enough life (complete with WTF characters) and a blog…not sure what else I need or am waiting for.
So to these two ladies, I want to say THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for 10 years of behind the scenes friendship, support, encouragement and advice. Thank you for being living examples of how to live a life that is not mired in sadness and regret, for showing me a life filled with forgiveness and caring and proper prioritizing. Thank you both for being in my life and being my friend. You may now return to being pretty, kicking ass and #sheddingforthewedding.
Readers, as always…thank YOU for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!