Bittersweet

A lot has been happening since last I posted and I am going to try and catch everyone up as best I can. Two things to know up front: I have zero idea how this post is going to turn out…I have been trying to draft it, format it and figure it out, all to no avail. So just tossing it up in the air and how it turns it out, it turns out. Second thing, nothing is related to Prince Charming. That is a first in a long time and I am kinda proud of that…I think I need a moment. Okay, moment’s over, so let’s just dive into the post.

The Roach has been exterminated…some things need to be stopped before they get started. Not that I was falling for the man or I really felt there was potential and promise to be found there…the man just wasn’t for me on any level. He doesn’t read books, has not seen the inside of a museum since an elementary school field trip to Air & Space and has no clue what A Streetcar Named Desire is. I don’t care if he’s never seen it (I tried to make through for the first time last week but I couldn’t…it started off confused and crazy and escalated from there)…at least know what it is. And despite his declarations of attention and affection…I was the one making all the efforts. He sent one word texts at 7pm after a day of silence, and on days off, the man slept until 3pm. I told him that he was not showing me nor giving me a reason to give another relationship a chance…rather, he was showing me why I was staying out of them. His response two hours later? “Sorry, I was looking up tools in my quest to be the ultimate employee.” We have not spoken a word since.

Dottie had an amazing doctor’s visit and it wasn’t due to me. An hour before her visit, I was eating a LARGE bowl of Coldstone Creamery’s Founding Fathers ice cream creation, which had been preceded by Chik-fil-a’s spicy chicken sandwich and waffle fries. But Dottie pulled through…her sugar level was 135, my blood pressure was excellent (it usually is) and my weight…while I hadn’t lost anything, I also did not gain, which was good news. The best news was my A1C reading (A1C is your sugar level average for 90 days…the scale is 5-15, with 5-7 being optimum)…when I was first diagnosed, my A1C was a 12. No bueno. Last week, my A1C was an 8.5!!! Not optimum, but damned good for me.

So I told you guys about the job ending at the end of the month. Well, it’s done and over. The assignment ended Friday, 4 days earlier than planned. It really isn’t a surprise: the interns (one of which is my replacement) start Monday and I was out of office a lot interviewing and job searching. I took advantage of the advance notice to plaster the city and job boards with an updated resume…I simply did not want to be suddenly out on the street, suitcase in hand and no idea where to go or where to begin. There was also that matter of unpleasantness that I will say, I brought on myself…everyone in your circle is not part of your circle and the other party showed there is a wrong way to do the right thing. I did write my team individual goodbye letters but there is something else I want to tell them….I want them to NOT like the new window person as much as they liked me and I want them to continue to strive for rewards and recognition. Don’t become complacent…things can change on a dime and what’s best for the company may not be what’s best for the team or for them. And for God’s sake, when the high maintenance/high strung chick from the 4th floor shows up, give her to Boy Wonder or The Favorite (they are her BFFs behind me)…anyone but the Hard Working Tech…those two lock horns something fierce and she has the ears of those more influential than The Sherriff.

I am going to close this post by writing what I will miss most about the members of my team/circle…there will be so much but really going to try to narrow it down. Bear with me:

Feisty One: Firs thing, this chick wants a name change. Not happening. Feisty is described as being full of animation, energy, or courage; spirited; spunky; plucky. Yeah, if that does not describe that girl, I don’t know what does. No name changes here. What I will miss most about her is her ability to check me while still having my back. That is a feat not many can accomplish but she does it effortlessly.

The Hard Head: This dude….besides the #sockgame, I am going to miss his tough love. We had a huge clash a while back where I went off and ghetto black chick basically cursed him out, and I still feel badly about that. The man is a hard worker, did his best to give me advice, suggestions and software to make me a more valuable employee…but he doles out that tough love. Like your parents leave you in jail or put you out the house tough love. I may not have liked it, but it had me more on the straight and narrow than I want to admit.

The Special One: I am going to miss his agreeing to disagree…we rarely clashed because as soon as he heard the screechy bass (trust me, it’s possible) in my voice, he backed down. For The Special One, being right or wrong is not as important as a peaceful environment.

The Favorite: Dude is a straight clown who could make me laugh even when I was at the nth level of pisstivity with him. Does anyone remember that scene in the movie Summer School when Chainsaw lets out a huge yell before the big test and says: “Tension breaker. Had to be done.”? That’s the Favorite and his drops of humor…they are tension breakers that are truly needed at times.

The One I Love: His generosity. We would buy each other breakfasts and lunches and not worry about who owed who what. When I was broke, he had no problem springing for me to eat. When I was sick, he was the one with tea and cough drops and mulberry bars to help Dottie even herself out. I felt like his favorite kid sister, and I love him for that and so much more.

The Smart One: The man is a walking encyclopedia about just any subject under the sun and I will miss his nuggets of wisdom and trivia. Not to mention his smartness. Honestly, if he weren’t so lean, I could have a full fledged crush on him…intelligence is sexy. And he needs some chocolate in his life. If only I could somehow become a petite brunette….

The Awesome One: I am going to miss her…the list is too long to go into detail so I will just leave it at that.

The Sherriff: His dry sense of humor when it’s after hours…and his funky ties and socks. They hint at a personality not evident behind the corporate mask.

Uncle Ben: The man is strange and weird and old school all the way but I did enjoy our talks during the rides home. His employment history is quite colorful, his life experiences are far ranging and his insights on things spiritual are pretty deep.

The Hard Working Tech: He was my Harpo and I was his Sophia…he knew how to cheer me up when I was down and to put a smile on my face no matter my mood. I am smiling right now thinking about him.

Boy Wonder: He will not win any popularity contests but his thirst for knowledge and his eagerness to share said knowledge (with me at least) is unmatched. He’s very perceptive, empathetic and he always opened the window without complaint (again, with me at least).

The Good Looking Tech: I’m going to miss everything…he was my whipping boy at times, he was my confidant, he was my teacher in things not work related. His laughter was infectious and our secret jokes had others looking at us with raised eyebrows. With the Good Looking One, it wasn’t work….it was the Whorephanage. The Nope (no-pay) Whorephanage.

The Sweet One: I am going to miss our random conversations….we talked about everything from work to men to kids to the evils of having to do laundry.

Sunshine: I am going to miss her smile…it can light up an entire room and her sparkling personality illuminates her and anyone she chooses to associate with.

The Guys in the Mailroom: They brought me food, they help the team out everyday and I think what I will miss most about them is how well they know and do their jobs. They take pride in their work and that is rarity in any workplace right now.

Captain America: According to him, there will be nothing to miss as he now has a reason to come to DC. He says there will be lunches and movies and he will miss seeing me in the window. I’ll keep you posted on that.

And there you have it…everything that has been going on. I still don’t know what I am going to do without these guys, but thinking Monday I will sleep in and masturbate. I told the One I Love I will think of him when I do that. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited about new things happening, but it’s like having lived on Walton Mountain for forever and heading off to an out of state college…I am going to miss my family. But for now, I need to shower and start dinner and fingers crossed to hear something back from all the interviewing and resume giving I have been doing. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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Enter the Roach

Well, the countdown begins: two weeks from today, the assignment is officially over. I have a pretty decent plan and have been implementing it and am pretty pleased with the results. I have been submitted for five long term assignments, have an interview setup and a perm position is very interested in me. The phone interview went very well and a face to face is in the very near future. DC is trying to interfere with my unemployment benefits(once again they say I owe them and I probably do but not as much as they claim) but rather than fight City hall (trust me on this, DC will make sure they win), I am making payments. Not as much as they are asking for, but it’s enough so that they will not feel the need to snatch my wages from Virginia should I apply for benefits.

Another avenue opened up that has actually been in front of my face the entire time and I never saw it. I have been networking within the company. Feisty One was the one who pointed out that I work the window and got to see folks day in, day out. Folks who were important, influential and in a position to make things happen…and these people liked me, liked my work and my customer service skills. So, I have reached out to folks and as I write this, five people have hard copies of my resume and two of them have positions available. It would be nice to stay where I am (even though I bitch and moan about the commute) because even though The Sherriff is sneaky, snarky and giving change an even worse reputation than it already has…I love my team. They are family, they have been with me through the entire PC fiasco and Dottie…they know me, they understand me. But we are being dismantled and those who are not already gone or leaving, are actively searching for a way out…and I don’t want to be there without them. We’ll just see how things work out.

So, I guess you readers are ready to hear about the Roach. It isn’t a cockroach or one of those Jurassic Park flying thingees that I swear never die…the Roach is a guy. His last name is Roach and that is all that sticks with me. In fact, when he told me his name, all I could think was if I married him, my name would be Robin Roach. And at the rate this dude is going, I could be married by Christmas. The man is an idiot and butt fuck crazy but we already knew that. He likes me and thinks I am beautiful…I have told everyone time and again…if the man is attracted to me, he is crazy. Period. We met via the ads…he responded to my ad Friday night, saying he wants to see me, but he’s drunk so I need to come to him. He is in ButtFuck, Virginia…where not even metro dares to go. I tell him I have no car, so we would be unable to meet. He says he will come to me…I am that gorgeous. (Mind you, all he has seen is my body in lingerie) I tell him NO WAY…he is drunk, it’s raining and no sexual act is worth an accident and injuring himself and/or others. Stay home, and sober up. Then he wants to talk…and I respond back. I’m bored, Big Brother After Dark is boring and it’s been a long time since someone called me beautiful and gorgeous.

Except the next day he is still talking. This dude is a wreck: his wife left him for another man, he has been unemployed since October and has been drunk every day since he has been unemployed. He tells his parents every detail of his sex life, he has a cat and a goldfish and a new apartment, complete with roommate. He has OCD, a cleaning obsession and has a voice that grates my nerves. He also notes how many times I say a word in our conversations. He wants a long term relationship. I told him my ad mentions nothing about a relationship AT ALL, my ex did a number on me and I have no trust and belief in anyone or anything and I am damaged goods. He says he does not care that I am older by 15 years (I look no older than 38…his words) and he wants to be the one to un-damage me and repair my pain. He has started a new job so he will have money to take me out, and it isn’t even about the sex…he wants ME. To show me he was serious, he sent me pictures of his cat and tools…nothing says real man like a pussy and tools. He says he can deal with my neediness and give me all the attention and affection I could ever want. Except the man cannot talk to me unless he is good and drunk. There are no good morning texts, there is no conversation during the day when I am sitting in my window and trying to ignore the ever growing stack of tickets on my desk. No, I get (at the max) five word texts when I am running for the bus to take me home, or when I am walking through my door or trying to cook dinner or when I just want to be left alone to see what I have done to implement the plan that day.

The Roach is cute and has lost a TON of weight, so I applaud and admire his hard work and dedication in that regard, but I don’t like him. He does not interest me…anything he types is followed by “lol”, he thinks there is nothing wrong with being buzzed everyday and has no idea how to fix himself, let alone me. He thinks we have so much in common and NO idea where he got that idea, other than a first date for us would probably be a 12 step meeting. And SO not looking to be rescued or repaired…I want to be left alone with my shutdown. As UTA put it: “Fuck you and fuck your white horse too.” But, I see the first mistake being made with these men who answer my ad being mine: I am the Chick Who Cares, but I think it is only common sense talking. With AFO, when we first met, he came over with a raging headache from not eating all day. I fed him a sandwich and gave him some aspirin. With PC, his assignment had ended the day before….I asked him was he sure he wanted to spend money on a sexual act. He has kids and probably needed groceries. With the Roach, he was drunk. No drinking and driving. To me, these are common sense things….to them….I CARE about them and their well being, when in fact, caring for AFO and PC came after the fact. And maybe it is wishful thinking but does being emotionally shutdown mean having to be a bitch? Does it mean I have to be all about what’s in it for me and screw common sense? Or maybe it is caring…at least about someone’s welfare. In any case, whatever it is, it is mistake #1 and I own that.

I know a few things about men: they already know they will be paying for the privilege of sleeping with a woman in one way or another…my way ensures they get the desired end result. I also know guys want a woman who is going to make them forget that they paid…and I provide that. My apartment is clean and they think I am pretty and sexy. I have great social skills and customer service is my life. I talk to them, I ask them questions about themselves, I compliment them, I make them feel we are the only two people in the world…I build a connection so it isn’t impersonal or mechanical. For the time we are together, I am the perfect girlfriend…and for guys who are lonely, damaged or have voids to fill…it’s heady stuff. Toss in I CARE (trust me, it’s common sense)….and the fact that I am lonely and starved for affection, attention and love….if we are both too stupid to realize that it is what it is, a train wreck is born. The key ingredients are I have to like the guy both before and after and he has to show interest afterwards. Not sure if it is the shutdown, the fact I am tired of stupid and lost causes or the fact that I just don’t like the Roach…but nothing will happen here. Hell, he just got a job so not sure how planned to keep up his end of the bargain had we met. He is lonely and damaged and seeking positive female attention. I have been there…he hasn’t. I have told him I am not his One, not even the Next One. He wants me to come for dinner. I tell him I am concentrating on finding a job and my health…this man has no idea what diabetes is. I mean…no clue at all. He is not only young, he is immature. And has a pantyhose fetish. He is going make me write an open letter to men and title it: I’m Not Crazy.

Okay, think I have caught you guys up on everything…well almost everything. Morning Person and I are still not speaking. Weekend Phone Friend is still MIA. The Facebook stalking has greatly decreased and I am finally accepting the fact that PC is stark raving mad and a psycho liar and it’s not me. He’s fading and I am not trying to hold on any longer. Not stopping the emotional shutdown though…I should have seen and heeded the signs. And now, you are officially all caught up. Going to go finish up paperwork for the interview tomorrow and fix some dinner. Check back soon for that open letter and new posts.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Preacher’s Wife and The Baby Daddy

Life sucks…pretty badly. The past 7 months have brought with them Dottie, the entire Prince Charming fiasco and now…the one thing that WAS a constant and kept me motivated and going…is gone. The job ends July 31st. I am so frustrated and out of steam…I have spent the evening screaming and crying, after holding it together all day long. Readers, I am so incredibly TIRED….tired of doing the right things, being a good person, of having hopes and expectations of anyone and anything only to be kicked in the teeth every freaking time. EVERY.TIME. I mean, am I the person who takes all the shit? Am I the one who can’t have a year of happiness without it being replaced by the same situations, over and over? Did I break a chain letter? I swear, I must have done something horrible 10,000 times because I seem to be the one reaping all kinds of fucked up Karma. It is to the point that if I had the courage, strength and no fear of death, I would just end it all. No more worries, anxiety, or heartache…just make sure to bury me in my black and ivory lace dress and don’t let the trannys and cross dressers have my fabulous wardrobe.

So before folks start calling thinking I am making elaborate suicide plans…I’m not going to kill myself. But as I said in a long ago post…I see why folks do it. The tiredness is too much sometimes. Instead, I am making plans so I am not caught completely off guard, and I knew this was coming: anytime The Sherriff says there are no viable candidates when the two contractors already doing the job(s) are sitting right there…you kinda know the party is winding down. So I have submitted myself for two long term contracts, given the current agency my updated resume and reached out to a contact with yet another agency letting them know I am available. I have appointments with the dentist (even though he tried to kill me when he extracted the two back teeth) and with Dottie’s doctor before the insurance runs out. As much as I don’t want to, I plan to take my ass into work (almost) every day until the end of the month so the last two checks can be as full as possible. And of course, there is always unemployment…my old, old friend. We shall be meeting again. And here is where my plan(s) end…I will probably add to them as thoughts arise, but this is what chicks like me do…we put ice packs on the bruised areas where we were kicked and sucker punched, put our masks on and make plans.

Going to apologize right now because I am sure a lot of you are expecting some juicy, gossipy blog post given the title , but Preacher’s Wife and The Baby Daddy are two women…these ladies and I go a long way back. Back to the days of Married Man (The Baby Daddy called him Cat Daddy) and the Island. There is no sex or drama here to distract me from the realities of my life; rather, I am talking about these two ladies because right now…they have and exemplify what I need in my life right now. When I am out of steam and options and just cannot take it anymore, I tend to sit back although that kills my control issues. I sit back, I reflect and I observe who is in my circle for inspiration, and right now I need to be inspired to dig deep for faith, belief, determination and the strength to do the hard work. I need the inspiration to maybe take a leap of faith and go out on a limb and do something so unlike me until plans fall into place…and these two ladies have what I need to inspire me.

Preacher’s Wife…this lady (you cannot call her a chick, a girl or even a woman…in my opinion, she is a classy, sassy lady) from the very beginning put me on every prayer list in town and has lifted me up in prayer quite often. She knows my story, she sees the good in me, the hard work and efforts I exert towards the right and wrong in my life. I think I give her gray hairs but I make her laugh with my truthfulness and openness but for me…when I see the glow in her face, the peace in her eyes and the calm of her demeanor…I am so envious. Preacher’s Wife has an inner peace that comes from a faith and a belief so great and huge in her Higher Power, it cannot help but to show. She does not bother to sweat the small stuff or the bigger stuff…she places it where it belongs…out of her life and in the hands of the One she KNOWS (not just believes) will right the wrongs. She knows that rewards and justice are hers and I want that security so badly in my life. She has no expectations in anything or anyone other than God and herself…she knows that people will fail you and life will be unfair, so why be surprised? When I was dating Married Man, her question was always: what good do you see coming from this? When Him married BTH, she backed away because I was filled with hatred and venom, but she told me to let it go. Easier said than done but once I did…watch what happens. With PC, she told me that just because a man goes to church and prays does NOT make him a #manofGod. Preacher’s Wife is amazing…I am sure she has been hurt and disappointed (she is human and been in love) but one would never know. She tells me all the time I am beautiful, better is coming and no matter how happy I thought I was with PC…let it go and watch God work in my life….I will be even happier, and happier more than that. As soon as I start speaking to God again, I am going to make spiritual strengthening a priority.

The Baby Daddy…okay, we can call her a chick. Unless it is a girly day for her, the we call her pretty. This woman is funny, opinionated and incredibly strong. She has a Dottie too, and her Dottie kicks her ass…but instead of lamenting about it or running to the doctor to stay dependent on medication…she has taken control. In the heat and humidity that is this city in the summer..she is running, walking, jumping rope. She is exercising, she is eating fruits and salads, she is alcohol free and writes open letters to her Dottie to let it know she is going to KILL it. She refuses to let it run her life or stop her from enjoying what she wants. The Baby Daddy knows that life is short and she refuses to live it in pain (physical or emotional) and she is not spending any more time than necessary on folks who have proven themselves not worth the time, effort and tears. She thumbs her nose at society and speaks with her voice, not a voice or tone people think she should use. She works a 9-5 but has started a side business where she indulges her passion and her hard work, determination and belief in herself has her business making a name for itself. The Baby Daddy (you have to use the “the” as she is my only baby daddy) thinks I am great, funny and sexy and she is another one I envy. I want that belief in myself, I want to be able to vent and find the strength when there is none to dig deep and make one.more.push. I want to be enough for me…if someone comes along to complement me, fine but I don’t want to be completed any longer…I want to complete me. The Baby Daddy inspires me to do that, and she is also inspiring me to take this upcoming break in employment to sit down and FINALLY start writing that book. I have incomplete drafts everywhere, an interesting enough life (complete with WTF characters) and a blog…not sure what else I need or am waiting for.

So to these two ladies, I want to say THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for 10 years of behind the scenes friendship, support, encouragement and advice. Thank you for being living examples of how to live a life that is not mired in sadness and regret, for showing me a life filled with forgiveness and caring and proper prioritizing. Thank you both for being in my life and being my friend. You may now return to being pretty, kicking ass and #sheddingforthewedding.

Readers, as always…thank YOU for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Holiday Weekend

The holiday weekend is drawing to a close…it doesn’t seem fair. Seems as if work has been nonstop since the last holiday weekend (Memorial Day) and like horses chasing a carrot, we began the combination of chasing and counting down for 4th of July….and already it is time to head back to our respective plantations to countdown until Labor Day. In SEPTEMBER!! *sad face* Not sure about everyone else, but I feel cheated…a 3 day weekend involves Monday, NOT Friday. But, my holiday was decent, unrushed and fun. The Frogmore Stew/Low Country Boil was delicious and easy…only thing is it took longer to boil than the recipe suggested but that was fine. My gathering was small (Honeybee, Mini-Me and Downstairs Neighbor)…while I originally thought a smaller crowd would kind of suck (I was hoping this would be a mend fences type of deal), I mended fences with the ones who showed up and we had so much fun!

We wondered why I had the air conditioning on when the weather outdoors was so absolutely beautiful…yet when we cut off the air and opened the door…we immediately decided that air was best since we are all bigger, older and in various stages of menopause. We played Motown and Jill Scott, ate until we were stuffed (we literally backed away from the table) and played spades, which I have not done in forever. There was trash talking, laughter, jokes, sugar spikes from the Lemon Pie ice cream and triple berry pie, lamenting over being single followed immediately by how it isn’t so much being single but finding folks who actually want to get out and do stuff. Although, DC in summer is not the place you really want to get out and about….filled with tourists, an iffy public transport system, ridiculous parking and slightly elevated prices/fees…home alone with good books, cable and snacks may be best. Who knows? The grass is always greener, right?

So today’s post is a hodgepodge of things that occurred over the past few days that while not newsworthy are worth mentioning. I liken it to those episodes of your favorite shows where nothing much is going on but they are building up to some huge blockbuster storyline…I call them filler episodes. Unfortunately, since I write about my actual life and not for a hit TV show, no guarantees that there will be some huge dramatic confrontations or revelations following this post…odds are far more favorable that these will just be stories that you read. But, let’s start with work on Thursday where I apparently shot the Sherriff.

We were having a team meeting (these things are suckers of both time and energy as we have had the exact same meeting every.time since I have been there) and not sure if I told you readers this, but there are two entry level tech openings on my team. Of course, this does no good for the permanent team members, BUT the team has two contractors (myself and Uncle Ben) who would/could benefit from the perks of a permanent job , paid time off, paid holidays and better insurance coverage options. And when the jobs were first announced, we wasted NO TIME in giving management our resumes and cover letters and in applying online. We even sent management out acknowledgment emails…and we never got interviewed. So in the meeting, The Sherriff says that the positions are still open as there have been no viable candidates…well, there was one but he turned down the offer. Immediately, my hand shot up and I told him I applied online, I gave the proper paperwork and acknowledgement email to the proper people and I was never interviewed. Is there a reason why he says there are no viable candidates when the two contractors already on the team and already DOING THE JOB(S) are not considered viable candidates? Well, that visibly shook the Sherriff and he hemmed and hawed and said he never received our resumes. I could have argued that he KNEW we applied and could pull the resumes, but Feisty One cut me off as by this time my neck was doing the Black Girl Roll and impatience was infusing my tone. My team patted me on the back for standing up for myself and putting him on the spot, but for now…don’t be hurt if they keep a distance from me for a minute. Yeah, I may have Monday off anyway.

Also on Thursday, I called Morning Person. I was calling to see if she was still coming to the soiree Friday, and while I had misgivings about doing so, I am the type who sent her now married ex a present when he was in the first stages of coward mode and totally ignoring me. If I can do that for PC, I can damn sure invite my friend of 12 years to break bread. And we talked about things that had been going on since we stopped speaking. She was surprised the invite was still on the table, said she was under the weather but to save her a plate…she was coming. If not Friday, then definitely Saturday. And no more word from her…I call her house and get no answer. I call her cell and she sounds annoyed and rushed and says she will call back. Nothing. So I am going to give her plate away and stop calling. I am not playing this game anymore…chasing folks who can ignore me so easily. The emotional shutdown is in full effect all across the board. Busy Bee called Saturday morning to ask about the stew (I posted a pic of it on Facebook) and said she had some rare free time next week and suggested getting together for dinner. I told her sure. THEN she says to invite Morning Person. Yeah, suddenly I have no appetite and no time to meet. It is really sad that an argument caused by a man (that I was no longer even fucking) would break Morning Person and I apart, but maybe it was just one ex getting married too many. And while I may not have apologized, I did extend an olive branch. She chose to drop it on the ground, so there you go.

As I mentioned earlier, the gathering was small…not only did Morning Person bail, but so did Buggy and her son. I was hoping Buggy showed up for two reasons: I wanted her and Honeybee to at least be around each other (they had a huge falling out after 38 years of friendship) and was hoping to have all the company I was having over the weekend condensed to Friday. But she had a medical emergency …what can I do about that? And maybe it was for the best….Honeybee was in one of her every.little.detail. moods, I was having a period for the first time in 4 months and while Mini-Me and I have kissed and made up, she was busy trying to figure out how to take food home with no Tupperware. I ended up giving her a container. Oh, Honeybee finally revealed why she fell out with me and readers, I swear what I am about to write is the truth: Honeybee has been pissed at me for letting Buggy sit in what Honeybee refers to as “her chair”. I kid you not. Mind you, I am in a studio that has 2 chairs and 2 barstools and that pretty much everyone else sits in that chair when Honeybee is not over here. Hell, Mini-Me was sitting in it on Friday. I just looked at Honeybee and passed her more shrimp. I will be seeing Buggy on her usual visitation day: Sunday, and that is probably for the best.

Artsy Craftsy called me on her way home from vacation. I caught her up on everything she missed and told her I was still Facebook stalking, but it was no longer satisfying and getting a bit boring. Not sure what else I am looking for: PC has not acknowledged his marriage/wedding at all, MG still has the new name and prom picture up, he is still here, she is still there and…there is nothing. The deed is done and unless I am looking for news of a pregnancy (doubtful) or divorce (doubtful)…what am I looking for? I am no longer interested in the man, I no longer want him and caring is fading just like the missing faded away. It is more habit than anything now…giving all credit to the emotional shutdown. Artsy understood and suggested starting a new habit. And yes, I am younger, prettier and smarter than the two of them put together. Artsy was upset over the Morning Person incident but says to give it time…we were both hurt and we are both going through stuff unrelated to the argument. She then gave me bits and pieces of her vacation: she is broke for the rest of the year and does not want to go into work Monday. She needs a vacation from the vacation. I keep telling people that family vacations are overrated.

And this is all I have for now…going to put fresh linen on the bed, shower and do laundry. There are plans to do a spaghetti for dinner and get ready for a busy week …there may or may not be work and I am getting two teeth extracted as well as a cleaning when I go to the dentist, along with dinner with Reliable One. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

Lesson Recap

Time is slowly moving forward, life is going on and I have no choice but to join in. I have to say that Feisty One, Downstairs Neighbor, Buggy, Chef and myself all deserve huge pats on the back. It has been a fulltime job trying to keep me positively focused, out of trouble and possibly jail. The fact that this keeps Prince Charming alive is more a side effect than anything. More amazing is that we have done this with a skeleton crew as my Panel seems to be going through cutbacks. Morning Person and I are speaking again but I knew from her initial reaction to everything she was not the one to help with the PC fiasco. So we can discuss and talk about anything BUT that. Busy Bee is of course, busy. New Mommy, UTA and Artsy Craftsy are all on vacation. Girlfriend is being happily single and World Cupping, Cuz and Honeybee are in left field and no one knows when they will return, and Buddy is never one for relationship issues. Never.

So the five of us have been holding it down and there are bad days (I miss him, I hurt, I wonder why and wish I never found out about MG), okay days (I channel the anger and frustration in the proper direction towards the proper person and realize that it is a blessing that I found out) and good days (he doesn’t cross my mind, there is no missing, there is a slight bit of hope and purpose to my step and my day). Dottie is still cutting up despite being back on full dosage medications (I had to cut her meds in half for about a week waiting to get in to see the new doctor and she went complete apeshit) so getting blood sugar levels back under control is the #1 priority now. The emotional shutdown is in full effect so nothing is going on personally, not even responses to the ads (the ads can be due to the fact thatt it is a holiday week/weekend). Socially, having a small soiree (I love foreign words…makes things sound sexy, exotic and important) today for the single ladies…doing a Frogmore Stew/Low Country Boil and playing some Motown. We will discuss work, current events, bash men, play cards and get fat and happy. Not a perfect life but for now, it works for me.

Today’s blog post is a collection of statements and questions I have said, asked, learned and/or observed…not only from my time with Him and PC, but just from life in general and they are in no particular order. Don’t be surprised if you have heard them before. But, right now I need to see them and read them….I need to see the mistakes made, I need to learn the lesson. I need to remember that I am somebody worthy and deserving. So enjoy the post and everyone have a relaxed, safe and fun holiday weekend. Check back soon for more posts and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day! Happy 238th Birthday, America!!

Amazing to me how the one reason I have to hate you has completely overshadowed the 1,000 reasons I had to love you.

Every once in awhile the Universe surprises us by wrapping what we want and what we need in the same package.

I guess trust and love are in the same boat: until you can learn to do both with yourself, you cannot do either with another.

The commitment is more towards me changing to become the woman who no longer puts up with the stupidity versus the woman who justifies it.

One thing about trouble..no matter how long since you last met…it is so easy to find, and in its convenience lies its seduction. Love, happiness, money…one can work and search their entire lives and never find them…but trouble is always there. That is why so many of us get into it.

We don’t hurt the ones we love…we hurt the ones who love us.

Either you want to play games or you want a relationship….the two do not go together.

Being larger does not make me any more unattractive…just as being skinny/fit does not make anyone any more attractive. It is all in your personality and your character.

Stop giving all your attention to the tenth person who doesn’t get you and focus on the nine that do.

There are consequences to the truth, just like there are with lies.

Sometimes, instead of making your presence known, make your absence felt.

The lesser of two evils is still evil. Same with a necessary evil. Evil is evil.

The waiting is the hardest part.

How can I not be the one who makes him happy? Every day he said it, and maybe I did, but it was another woman who completed him.

When did I go from good woman to jump off, and how do I reverse it?

Chasing someone shows them you still care, you still want them, you want to work it out. It’s okay to chase but make sure it’s the right person for the right reasons.

I was told that letting man know I still care for/about him after it’s all over gives him the power. Do you think that’s news to him or to me? We both know he has the power, and there is no giving involved. He will always hold the power over me until I am ready to take it back and move on.

Men may not say things directly but they give clues. Him once told me he was not worth my tears. I told him to stop putting himself down. I would always tell Prince charming how amazing and wonderful he was. His response was always: “No. I’m not.” I told him he was to me. I didn’t listen when they told me the truth. IF there is a next time…I’m listening.

I have found that when I allow acceptance and reality in, words and actions only hurt the first time around …the subsequent times words and actions only disappoint. When I am wrapped in delusion and denial….they hurt every time as if it were the first time.

The most important person in my life is and always should be me when I get too tangled up in other people’s opinions and treatments of me.

Validation can be found in those who remain, not those who left.

I am not okay, I am not fine. I am being held together with tape and glue, and not even the good stuff. No duct tape and Elmer’s here…generic store brands all the way.

It always ends the same way: I drop my guards, raise my trust and get close to the guy. Then the guy gives me his crazy and his cowardice; the next chick gets the ring and the commitment. Forget the “always a bridesmaid, never a bride”….I am the freaking wedding planner.

The reward of being loved is not worth the risk of being hurt. (courtesy of UTA)

The storm always runs out of rain.

Better is coming.