One Nerve Left


Dear Readers, this is not a good time for me. … I am in the anger part of the healing process and everyone and everything is just pissing me off. Quite sure I am pissing them off also. Add Dottie being a bitch 85% of the time and it is a recipe for disaster. Not going to say I am in full blown depression mode, but I am bone tired all the time…sleep is my new BFF and I cannot get enough of it. I have fallen back into the chicken wing conspiracy and gained ten pounds. And what is embarrassing about the greasy wings is the delivery driver KNEW by my order I was once again heartbroken…the wild hair, puffy eyes and sweatpants may also have been a giveaway but when he handed me the bag of fried, greasy deliciousness, he said that things will get better. My frustration at being unable to do anything to PC, this feeling that he is getting away with totally fucking me over for no.reason.at.all is palatable. But everyone says that with retaliation, I am just hurting myself and if I give in to revenge, he wins. News flash….from where I sit, from where I feel…he has already won. Even my horoscope got in on the act: it told me that while I feel that I am unlucky and love is unfair, I am being primed to appreciate the gift of true love when it arrives. Guess what? At this rate, I won’t appreciate because I won’t recognize it. The trust issues are back in full force complete with barbed wire on both sides of my heart…I can’t get out, they can’t get in. There are potential Conversations that Never Happened…that or I need to write a song: Arguments Killed the Friendship.

In between bingeing on fried foods and turning into an angry hermit, I did manage to write the blog post for the tall women’s website. You can find that post here. I visited the dentist who has a $5,000 plan to give me a brand new smile/mouth…too bad he does not have the $5,000 or a barter system. Every tooth in my mouth needs something done to it…and I am looking at at least three extractions, full mouth debridement cleaning and root smoothing. He says on a scale of 1-4, my periodontal disease in now at a 5. Hey, I am above average in something. I talked with UTA, had arguments with Morning Person and Cuz, and had a long, long, long talk with Feisty One.

Yes, I have been here before, and in spite of my Day of Angry Crazy, I think I have handled this very well. But, it isn’t easier the second time around…in fact, this feels worse in some ways because this time…there was hope, there was trust, there was no clue, there was a man showing and expressing interest. The fact that the man had no communication with me the past four months did not lessen my feelings and make my need for closure go away. It does not explain why there was such fuckery and so many lies. And while I am not wallowing (as if you could tell by my writings, but trust me there’s not a lot), when it hits me…it hits me. It brings the wise words of UTA to life: “The reward of being loved is not worth the risk being hurt.” Feisty One got it….she did not try to buck me up, or reason with me, apply logic or go completely stupid with me. She worked with me, broke it down into little words and flash cards and gave me coping skills to help me make it to the other side of this bullshit.

The arguments: the one with Cuz…no one can handle his crazy when we are operating at 100%, so no way can we deal when we are anything less than that. We both should go retire to our corners until sanity and cooler heads prevail. With Morning Person, she says we both have points but here is where we both went wrong: we have both been here before in the same positions…I had no business calling folks up trying to start a fire and Morning Person should have extinguished it, even if it meant hanging up on me. Sometimes, you just need to leave a conversation…especially when one of the parties is riding her Crazy Train with no brakes. And phone calls need to be made soon…before she starts making them.

The situation: no one knew that this would happen. All anyone had to go on was PC’s story…and HE lied, from the beginning. This wedding/marriage was in full effect when he met me. He did not have a friend out west, he did not have a girlfriend…he had a fiancée. Maybe in the beginning, it really was none of my business but as time went on, as texting and phone calls became an all day, everyday thing, as control issues escalated and roleplay, compliments and promises became the norm…yeah, it was my business. Nothing I said or did would have stopped this from happening. This is his mess and while I look at it as his getting away clean with it…how clean is he really? He is about to inflict so much pain and hurt on MG because THIS…this is who he is. I don’t see it now but the hurt I am feeling now is a paper cut compared to what another woman is about to endure. No one is protecting him by talking sense into me about retaliation and revenge…on the other side of this is happiness, freedom and regained confidence and esteem…which will all be tainted if I give in to temporary crazy.

The coping skills: First, raise my standards…she has no idea what the hell I see in the man. Period. Especially now that his true colors have come out. I have been advised to stop tasting the rainbow. Second, when I think about him/the situation, stop spinning it negatively or as a victim. Instead of saying he left me, start saying he lied to me. Instead of saying he married her, start saying she has the headaches and disappointments now. Keep it in perspective…I was getting unhappy with PC and he could no longer keep the few things that did make me happy afloat. The man had no values or morals…he goes to church and is so religious, yet in the face of the truth, he lied even more and dismissed his fiancée. And he has no permanent job…yeah, quite the catch there. Women are lining up around the block for that. Stop blaming myself for his actions and for wanting it to work out…we all want love and someone special. He presented himself as the person who could offer me that…and it isn’t personal…I just happened to be the chick who caught his fancy. And don’t let my anger at him spill over to MG…no woman tells her fiancé to find a chick to fuck and fuck over before they begin life as husband and wife. Keep it in perspective.

So I am doing better after the talk but the emotional shutdown is still in effect. That’s not going anywhere…ever. I have deleted the letter I drafted to send to just everyfuckingbody ; I may not want that man to be happy (not now, not while it still feels as if it is at my expense) but I really do not want the innocent hurt…they already have someone in their lives to do that. Dottie has a doctor now and we like him…like the dentist with his plan for a brand new smile, this doctor has a plan to make me healthier and keep Dottie happier. Upgrade programs are about to kick off at work, I am making tentative plans to treat me to a movie this weekend and perhaps attend a high school alumni picnic and I have drafts for three posts in the work. Seems I have enough to keep me busy , occupied and keep the negative thoughts at bay. We’ll see. Just working on forgetting it enough to get over it. I will always remember enough so it doesn’t happen again.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

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