After reading my last blog entry (Soulmates), people are worried about me. I don’t think they need to. So this post is going to offer an explanation and reasons behind my recent decision to shut down emotionally. Friends and folks think I am both depressed and depressing, angry, hurt and that I am letting Prince Charming/Horny Toad snatch away my happiness. But this is not my first rodeo where I end up Facebook stalking and see men I loved and trusted in wedding photos where they are the grooms. I am told I can’t let two fools stop me from finding my One…third time’s the charm. But these are not the only two I have expressed interest in and thought it was returned…where something special and substantial was the goal…for both of us, or so I was led to believe. I am told that they were undeserving and unworthy of me…that I am better than that. That these are men not worth a second glance. Whatever. They are now married while I am STILL single. An unemployed woman who dresses like a hooker and a woman older than me by quite a few years who cannot speak or understand English are waking up this morning wives to these men, while all things great and wonderful me sits alone on a Saturday morning writing a blog post. No, I do not think I am looking at this the wrong way or downing myself.
As I write, my mind is weighing the pros and cons of killing PC/HT and the pros are winning. Prison won’t be so bad…my size and stature will serve me well there…everyone will want to be my friend because no one wants to mess with the giant amazon with anger management issues. Dottie will get meals, snacks and medications on a very regular basis. The Panel has already said they will make sure I get canteen and I will more than likely have a girlfriend…I just need her to be serving as much time as I would be, if not more. Don’t need the prison system breaking us up. But, I will not be killing anyone because I am looking at the entire picture this man and I painted and it is not only a why did he do it question…it is also why did I let him do it?
Yes, the man lied from the very beginning for reasons known only to God…when asked point blank why he was not truthful upfront or at any other given time when I was giving him the third degree…his response was “I dunno”. No, I did not have a fair chance and his cowardice only serves to prove that what I knew in January was the truth: I would never be able to trust him again. His abandonment during the medical emergency showed his insincerity and that I could not count on him. Period. The fact that he lied on and dismissed his now wife the way he did tells me she has no prize on her hands. But for all he did wrong…I did too. I was not looking for this, not expecting this and in the beginning…did not want this. But he pursued me, wooed me and I ignored my intuition that said he was too good to be true; I ignored the nagging I my gut that told me there HAD to be someone else…NO ONE does this much baseball all year long…high school baseball at that. I overlooked the voice in my head that told me there was a reason the ex wife got engaged and married so quickly after the divorce became final and it wasn’t that she was already seeing the guy. There were so many LITTLE things that I overlooked, ignored and brushed off…and I said it before: you HAVE to sweat the little things because if you don’t…they become BIG things that have you wondering where the hell to hide the body.
So yes, I AM hurt, angry and depressed…at both PC/HT and myself and this is why I am shutting down emotionally….I can’t trust men and I can’t trust myself. I cannot trust myself to do the right things for me because I don’t want to lose the happiness, the attention, the feeling of belonging. I get caught up in the lies they tell (before I realize they are lies), the sob stories of being misunderstood, the issues…and I ignore the truth when it comes out and justify the lies. Correct me if I am wrong but the entire latter half of this fiasco could have been avoided had I just heeded his lies and infidelity when I first found out about them. If I had stuck with the truth and my intuition…he still would have been the guy who led me on, lied and cheated but not a disrespectful coward. I added to the hurt my heart now feels and I delayed my healing process..for a guy who married someone else who in his words was an old friend and nothing to worry about and, also in his words… I was the only one and he was serious about us. For these reasons, I cannot take any more chances…not saying that the real Prince Charming isn’t out there for me, that the right guy is not going to come along…but I am getting too old to keep playing the games and to keep kissing the frogs. I can’t take any more chances on/with love…whoever the next guy is, his other/main chick is going to have find someone else to prime him to take her to the altar.
This does not mean I am going to become a recluse who never leaves the house…I plan to still live my life: go to work, occasional outings, day/weekend trips, maintaining friendships, sex (not freely though)….they are all still on the table. Happiness is still on the table…once the healing begins, happiness returns. I will just be doing all of this by myself. I no longer want someone to share my day with, I no longer wish to hold and be held, I don’t care to know anyone new or have them know me. The “dates” will supply what I need…for the hour or so I am with them I will get conversation, kisses, rubdowns, and sex of some type. Best part…I will get to go shopping afterwards and not worry do they like me, am I too fat, is there someone else. I don’t have to wonder what they see in me…they see sex in a super-sized packaged. I know what I am to them: tits, ass, mouth and an ear for the occasional vent/rant before doing the deed. No longer will I wonder why they didn’t at least have the balls to say goodbye…we said them at the door. If I want positive male attention, I will call up Chef or Cuz. If I want validation, I already have the men on my team (including The Sheriff) telling me I am young and pretty on demand and Captain America (The Hard Headed Tech calls him The Greatest American Hero) still comes around with shoulder rubs and puppy dog eyes. I will be fine.
I am told I am just out of steam and I will give love a chance again because of course, I will find someone else special…but since I seem to throw lessons learned out the window, I am going to hold onto the pain. Because the men I find special don’t find me special at all. I have said this one before too, and it is the truth: the men I fall for always end up hurting me when it is too late for me to stop it from happening. That’s my fault. They turn out to be crazy, flaky and cowards. That isn’t my fault. So I will heal, get better and protect myself and my heart. I was not kidding about a murder-suicide should I find myself in this position again. Going to plan my trip to Philly…Oscar and I are both broke so we are rescheduling the dance party and movies for two weeks from now. We are going to take the babies to see Transformers…we’ll watch two hours of Mark Wahlberg while the babies see robots. Also need to write a couple more posts, do laundry and my usual weekend routine. Trust me, I will be okay and fine. One day.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!