Strange post to be writing so soon after yet another heartbreaking crush to my ego, esteem and confidence but trying really hard to change my way of thinking and stay positive, hopeful and realize that all of this emotional testing has to end soon. That there really is someone who is going to come along and be everything I want, need and deserve…the one who will make me see why Prince Charming had to go and pursue another happily ever after. Besides, this post was already in the works when I found out about the wedding…can’t let his life interrupt mine anymore than it already does…especially since our worlds no longer collide. No, I have not broken down yet but I am so close to the edge, readers. So close. I went off on the Little Indian Boy at work and he went to Feisty One for sympathy and comfort. She made me apologize. There were a few tears one night and again in a bathroom stall. Not a lot, not enough but something came out.
I listen to my friends tell me I deserve better, I dodged a bullet, I am so pretty, smart, blahblahblah. And I want to believe them but if I am so many incredible things…where is my fairytale ending? Where is my Knight, my Prince, my King? Loving how I am forgetting the fact that what I had with PC was a house of cards built on a foundation of lies from Day 1 (to me and about MG) and I never had a fair chance with the man. That his exit makes Him look like a GREAT guy and the disappointments began long before Christmas in Utah. I need distractions and a change of scenery, so am going to a company sponsored happy hour Friday evening and headed to Philadelphia on Saturday to see a movie with Oscar. Sometimes, you just need to see a movie and eat popcorn with a BFF. Add in that us emotional wrecks need to stick together, that Oscar and I are long overdue for a Meredith/Christina dance it out party and vent time on the sofa… voila…spending Saturday with my Wild Child.
So , on to the post. Soulmates….the epitome of happy romantic endings. A soulmate is defined as a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes and quite often, a romantic bond. Those of us who are single are hoping, wishing and searching for ours (fingers crossed we have not missed out on them) and the majority of those who are married/attached are in one of two camps: quite certain they have theirs or hoping they have theirs. I have been talking with some folks lately that swear they have their soulmate but when I hear the backstory…I really wonder.
Going to start with my Hangout Buddy. He has met a woman…in less than four weeks, they have slept together, he has taken her on vacation and he plans to move in with her. He says she is the one, I ask how does he know. He says she is pretty, smart and resourceful. I say so are most women…what makes this woman your One? He doesn’t know…and neither do I. Hangout Buddy embraces diversity, is laid back and completely spontaneous. The woman is slightly racist, controlling to the nth degree, jealous/insecure and does not have one spontaneous bone in her body. I told HB he was moving too fast and while he agrees….still going with his plan. Ready to see how this plays out.
Let’s move on to Mini-Me…she has had a boyfriend now for almost 9 years. This man…he is a crack addict, which should tell you all you need to know about the man. The years Mini-Me has spent with him have been filled with dishonesty, distrust and disappointments. He steals from her, he lies to her, he has taken her out and left her stuck with the bill, he is a no-show at social outings and events…but she says she loves him and this is who she is meant to be with. It is a vicious cycle…breakups, breakdowns, tears, promises, and reconciliations. Over and over and over. She has moved the man in (she did that about three years ago but is only now just admitting it) and has to hide her medications, purse and money before he gets in from bingeing. He tells her he isn’t using anymore…she believes him, but she knows. Just like we all know. This is just me, but I don’t think this is what soulmates do…I just don’t.
My last person is a dude from Craigslist. I posted a rant on CL one afternoon to release my anger and frustration upon all men, and this dude responded to me personally. He seemed nice enough and was more than ready to share his story…Craigslist, Land of the Lonely, Frustrated and Perverted. He is 50 years old and moved here to the DMV from Alabama. Sold his dream house he says he built himself, landed a job as a military contractor and came up North. His reason for the move? To be near his soulmate, but not TOO near…she still lives 100 miles away. According to him, he met her 23 years ago (sound familiar?), they had the most rewarding sex he ever had and then they were separated. They moved on and both married. Then dude posted the chick’s picture on Facebook last year and says she reached out. Now not sure what was said or what he heard, but he divorces his cancer stricken wife of 19 years to make this move to be 100 miles away from his “soulmate”. Oh, did I mention the soulmate is still married with three kids and has no intention of leaving her family? They meet every other Friday in a motel close to her for a few hours, then go their separate ways. He says she is not where he is commitment wise and that she has been abused the last 22 years and is just now realizing that fact. I’m just like….what? Then last weekend, she broke it off. He is devastated, alone and I am going to say….stupid. The woman never led him on, never sent mixed signals…he destroyed his marriage, left a sickly wife to fend for herself and uprooted his entire life…for a twice monthly booty call. Words fail me to explain my thoughts on this but soulmate doesn’t come to mind. Karma does though.
As for me, I am in two camps. On the one hand…I simply cannot go through this anymore. Period. The heartbreak, the inability to let go, the wondering, the questions, the sheer fuckery of what I have been through twice in three years with men I deemed worthy of trust and love…I quit. I can no longer be the chick who is unknowingly prepping men she loves and sees a future of some type with for women they love and actually do build a future with. I am tired of crying at night, alone with neuropathy while they are with others, being happy and not giving me second thoughts. Fuck better if it is even coming… if he ain’t got $100 bills to spend, keep it moving. No more falling for men. I will be alone and learn to love it. Until the day I die. It’s easier that way. PC ripped scabs off freshly healed wounds, inflicted more and poured salt over all of them. On the other hand, even though I seem to have taken up permanent residency in Broken Heart Hell, I do not want to give up on finding true love and my soulmate. Being in love, feeling loved (or at least cared about ), being able to trust someone? It is an incredible feeling, but I cannot deal with the letdowns and endings I seem to get and will never get used to.
For now, I am processing…there is nothing to hold on to or hold on for. I would say healing but I have not let go of the idealizations I held for PC. What I am going to do is shut down emotionally because right now, I cannot view this a save or a bullet dodged. I view this as yet another failure of me as a woman. I see this as me once again not being good enough, as being rejected and this is going to sound fucked up, but I also see it as a punishment for not staying in my lane…I am the good time girl, not a long term girlfriend, not a wife. I am the side chick, the fill in chick, the go to girl. And every time I try to show that man I find so special I can be all he needs…he shows me I can’t. I can’t keep on having my heart broken, so the best way to do that is to stop pursuing relationships, love, affection and caring…and stop it dead in its tracks when it pursues me. I don’t want to hear from men, especially those who have sooo much respect for women. I heard that from Him and PC…either I have dick and balls for real or they lied. At this point in time and for the foreseeable future, I am not opening up and no one is allowed entry into my heart…because if I get one more fucked up ending, there is going to be a murder-suicide in this town. For real.
Once, I used to think Him was it but one would actually TRUST their soulmate, right? There was no trust on my end and too much inadequacy on his end. Then I thought Prince Charming was it…he actually saw all of me and for awhile…he liked, cared for and wanted all of me. But your soulmate would not lie to you, right? But I believed (and to some extent still do believe) that this man was meant for me…he understood the crazy, he helped build the confidence and esteem…I forgave the lies and handed him the excuses for them. But, even if he had not disappeared off the face of the earth and married MG…I know deep down he isn’t my soulmate. He just gave me a taste what having one would be like. You know, I saw a movie once (long, long ago) and all I remember of the storyline was there was a couple…they were soulmates but there were so many obstacles…family, children, jobs. They met again by chance and both were divorced. The woman was scared to try and the man told her if she wanted him, if she wanted to be together…meet him at the bridge in the park at 8pm. And both showed up…except she was under the bridge and he was standing on it…and they never saw each other. That is going to be me and my soulmate.
Okay, wrapping up this post. I know I sound a little confused and a lot angry, bitter and jaded but in all truthfulness…..I am hurt, disappointed and fed up. I am so tired of having all the negative things I say about men being proven right in the end…after I am all entangled in emotions. And I am out of hope that there is one man whom I would find special to prove me wrong. I have a couple more blog posts to write over the weekend in addition to the trip to Philly…things are still getting on my nerves and I have been asked to contribute a post to a tall/BBW website with a strong internet presence. Flattered, honored and excited over that. So check back soon…I’ll be here.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!