Slowly, Surely


This is not the blog post that is supposed to be here. I have drafts on soulmates and things getting on my nerves in the works but this needs to come out. Prince Charming has married the Mexican Girlfriend. They tied the knot June 14th. I am hurt, beyond disappointed (despite everything, I held a little piece of hope out that we would be able to reconcile and get it right again) but also strangely relieved. Every time I went Facebook stalking, I would be hoping that THIS was the time he really and truly broke my heart. That there would be a post or a picture that showed me that yes, a choice had been made and that our last conversation really was an argument that ended with me having a medical emergency. That his trip to California over Valentine’s Day weekend meant what I thought it meant, that no acknowledgment of the gift I sent really was complete douchebaggery and that he was not ignoring/avoiding me out of shame, guilt or anger…I simply ceased to exist for him. And the picture of PC and the MG did all of that.

I wanted to cry, and almost did but nothing came out of my eyes…even when I squeezed them really tight and thought of the happy times and the things he did right. I think I have had more than enough time to prepare for this moment: 4 months of zero contact and my intuition that told me that it really was that serious and the man was going to marry her. I just did not think it would be so soon. And lest we forget, after meeting up with her and the Mexi-Cali crew back at Christmas, PC simply was not the man I met, knew and fell for…oh, and the ridiculosity that was his going celibate while we were together..and not telling me. Yeah, everything was adding up to him being with someone NOT me, and the fact he told me himself that it was “pretty serious” between them (I had to drag it out of him but I had had enough lies) …right before telling me he and I could still have a relationship. Until talking/texting everyday became more than friendship. Yeah, no wonder I have no tears to shed….what started out with such promise and hope turned into sheer idiocy overnight.

The picture…I was speechless for a minute. All I could say was he has gotten fat (the shirt looked like it was choking his neck and the gray suit was ill fitting…tight in places and too big in others…he did have a fresh red rose in the top pocket though to go with his red tie), she is old or at least old looking…seriously, she looks at least 10 years older than me and every minute of it (with makeup on) and his hair looked like Hitler’s moustache. Really, he did something really funky with his hair that makes me think he is going bald or has an incredibly huge head. Her dress is very dated…Feisty One said the dress is at least 25 years old…it is a late 80s, early 90s style dress that she more than likely married her first husband in. (Not my words…I had no idea wedding dresses had eras) And they were sitting in these ornately carved, incredibly high back chairs with an ugly pattern on the fabric that looked like an Addams family special…the chairs were freaky looking. Call me racist if you must, but this wedding was either Mormon or Mexican..it was not a traditional American wedding. Artsy Craftsy said the chairs are freaky, PC looks creepy and MG looked sneaky. Feisty One said they looked like the King and Queen of a 1987 prom and New Mommy said it looked like they got his mail order bride request wrong. Buggy said the man now had a live in maid. Everyone says I have dodged a real bullet as the man looks as weird as he acts. I still think the man is attractive….not as handsome as when he was with me, but still attractive enough.

Yes, we were bashing…but it wasn’t to make me feel better. This is what we really saw when we looked at the picture. Remember, my Panel does not sugar coat…they don’t protect me from harsh realities. PC’s mom commented: “A King and his Queen. “ I was more like a cowardly whoremonger and an over the hill border jumper…but in spite of my pettiness and bitchiness…I think they look happy. Artsy Craftsy does not agree but going with Feisty One on this…if neither were happy, they would not have taken such a permanent step towards cementing the relationship. We all agree they do not look like a couple in love, but Morning Person said it best. What’s love got to do with it? For whatever reasons: green cards (the woman has changed her name completely…taking his last name is understandable but to go by your middle name now?), love, convenience…they did it and are now husband and wife. And I am once again, left with pieces of my heart in my hands. I wanted to speculate on the honeymoon but that was nipped in the bud: he is poor, there is no honeymoon and guess what? I definitely won’t heal any quicker thinking about their sex life. Point taken.

I wanted to fall into a pity party but Chef isn’t letting it happen…at least not tonight. He told me that I am lucky as hell and must be a cat with nine lives as I keep dodging bullets left and right. If I take my ego out of the equation, I am left looking at a man who is a liar and a cheater. Period. She will find out soon enough, so I am shelving UTA’s suggestion of being a spiteful bitch and telling MG who she has on her hands. But I am so tired of being the chick who preps the guys for the next chick…it’s a sucky job and I always see some other woman reaping the fruits of my labors. But part, if not all of that, is my fault. When I SEE, when I KNOW…I need to heed my intuition and the facts right in my face. And do I really want to spend the majority of my time left on earth with weak, cowardly, lying men? Men who think it is okay to string folks along, lead them on and then dump them without a backwards glance?

As I told a friend of mine when she said now I can move on…life has been moving me on slowly but surely. As much as one may want to stay stuck, you can’t. No, I am not dating but I am going out. Sometimes. I am working and trying to make professional moves beneficial to me and my immediate future. I am maintaining friendships, trying to manage Dottie, having sex and being a good person to people. The missing is fading and while I am putting walls and doors back up around my heart…I am not swearing off finding love again. But this time around..it isn’t going to be with a self serving man or a thought it was but it wasn’t love…I am not going to have to guess at his feelings for me. No, next time…we are in it together. I fall, you fall. No more of the constantly hurting me love..from him or myself. You know, this has the same ending as the Him fiasco (and at least Him did dig his one testicle out of his ass to tell me he was going to marry the BTH/BTGD) except some lessons have been learned.

I am not going to be screaming and chasing the man down…he made his choice. I can no longer hold onto what isn’t there…I thought because he came back once, he would do so again. I thought once he had a chance to think and remember that he found me beautiful, sexy and fun…that I was gainfully and steadily employed and had medical insurance…that I spoke English and did not have children to detract from our time together… I thought he would find me worthy. But I have it twisted….he is the one unworthy and should be proving himself to me. I should not have to dumb myself down to make him feel like a man…it is one thing to stroke an ego, another to create the ego for him to have. So, yeah…I am okay. A breakdown may be coming but for now…I’m good and his loss. I am putting the hope I had for PC and I away…better is coming and I will need it then. I still need my validation though…the Panel does not know it yet but they will be telling me I am younger, prettier and smarter than both PC and MG for at least a week. Hey, it’s a process…a steady, slow and sure process. And I am ready to fully embrace it. Again.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day! New posts are on the way!

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